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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Emotional Rollercoaster

72 replies

memorylane · 15/01/2010 19:36

I I really have no idea why, BUT, I recently googled my ex H (divorced 30 years ago), and sent a brief message. He responded and we have been sending regular emails for about a month now. Mostly playing catch up with our lives, etc and him being very nice and apologising for letting me down and how he had always regretted it and beaten himself up etc. How I was such a lovely person so on and so forth. From the start he told me he had taken steps to leave his wife (of 30yrs) and would be selling his house in the new year. We exchanged more emails after xmas whereby he told me he had told his wife he wanted out and she was hurt but accepting. Anyway, there was nothing to this on my part other than huge curiosity and him just talking nicely to me etc. Yesterday he said he was scared and when I asked him why he said he was fighting to urge to come and see me. I freaked out and asked him not to, to not do anything that would or could ruin my life and he said he wrote that to get a reaction from me to see if I was a bunny boiler or not, that I obviously wasn't and passed the test. He did suggest we chat on the phone as it would be easier and quicker than emailing and suggested I get a payasyougo sim. Well I did get one and I do feel deceptive towards DH as he has known none of this but I figured I was not cheating exactly I was just being nosey.

I got an email today from my X to say his wife had found some of our emails on the computer and was hurt, He said our communication had to stop or it could be destructive us both and please do not contact him again. I phoned him before I read the email and he spoke briefly to me and asked me not to contact him again, his wife was standing beside him and he asked me would I speak to her. I did and I told her it was purely innocent (my emails are proof of that) and I promised not to get in touch again.

Phew, that was a real rollercoaster ride for a few weeks, unfortunately I was rather enjoying it and I am suprised by how sad I feel now. Had to talk to someone so I hope you guys don't mind me posting here.

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memorylane · 16/01/2010 16:12

I think you are right but as i promised his wife I would not contact again then I have to keep my end of the bargain. XH also asked me not to contact him but this was when wife was watching him send final email and having telephone conversation, so who knows, but I dont think he will get in touch again

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jeminthecellar · 16/01/2010 16:24

To be honest, you protest that your interest is 'innocent', but it isn't really...even at the start you knew it was 'wrong' because that's why you were secretive...

It sounds like-on one hand- you are trying to deny to yourself and indeed minimise what you have done..but then we all do that...actually(also) it sounds like you are sorting out how you feel about the whole thing honestly and that is totally commendable.

Life...bloody difficult innit?

Anyway, it seems to have ended.. in a messy way, I feel sorry foe his wife, and I think he has played you a bit.

So how do you feel about the whole thing now?

jeminthecellar · 16/01/2010 16:25

Also, I forgot the original point I was going to make- it is often easy to hark back to an earlier time, when we were younger, etc..to invoke those feelings etc that we had back then...tis why so many sad middle aged men look up old girlfriends on Friends Reunited etc...

blinder · 16/01/2010 16:26

I'll correct 'slightly obsessive interest'... there was no need for the qualification.

memorylane · 21/01/2010 09:08

He did get back in touch via email and has now phoned me and basically told me his life story. How he saw our breakup etc and how sorry he was. It has churned up feelings for me, not towards him, no not at all, but to be told how it really was saddens me that it needed needed to have been that way. Anyway, fast forward 30years and I have a totally different life to the one I would have had with him, different in every way. I need to not talk on the phone again and put an end to this, I do however find some comfort talking to him and I don't want to.

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Anniegetyourgun · 21/01/2010 09:20

Oi, oi! He promised his wife he wouldn't get in touch with you again, then he emailed and phoned? The more I hear about this chap the less I like him.

He may well be sorry for how things turned out all those years ago, but now he's had the chance to say so, the most helpful thing he can do is BUTT OUT of your life. The interest may well be flattering but it is the wrong sort of interest.

alypaly · 21/01/2010 09:29

sorry ,but this smacks of wanting cake and eating it. Deal with your own marriage and dont communicate with him otherwise its other peoples lives that will be wrecked

memorylane · 21/01/2010 09:30

Yes, agreed. He is and was already splitting from his wife before I sought him out, suppose it makes no difference to this loyalty to her. I feel stupid and so cross with myself because it has just opened old wounds for me which took a good few years to get over. Sadly, the divorce at such a young age left me rrling and with zero confidence, I do believe it shaped the futre of my life, I am not much different now and have always felt worthless. Sadly my DH doesn't and never has helped me feel any better. I have allowed it all and now I am wallowing in sadness and self pity I suppose.

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alypaly · 21/01/2010 09:31

i have had the ex ,that did what you two wee doing and it destroyed our relationship. If you want attention ,dont go after a married man.

Anniegetyourgun · 21/01/2010 10:08

Actually, don't go after that one even when he's divorced, even supposing you end your own marriage. He's deeply dodgy. He wrecked your self esteem once and 30 years of wallowing in guilt about it will have more likely made him a bit peculiar. Not to mention his unethical behaviour right now. "Run away, run away!"

HappyWoman · 21/01/2010 10:26

well i think it could be innocent and yet you could still feel guilty.

I googled a guy i had a massive crush on - have never dared contact him but i am curious about his life.

I probably would tell my h - but i am too honest sometimes. But i could also see myself having my own little 'secret'.

The fact that you feel guilty and bad now is because a part of you does know that it is wrong - even though you know you would not do anything about it.
Just imagine if your h was doing the same as you?

You can do this and work on the marriage you have.

Good luck

memorylane · 21/01/2010 11:03

Yes I agree, he is phoning me today and I am going to say we should not be in touch anymore. It will be hard, I cant deny I have felt flattered but its not fair to my family and they are the people I need to concentrate on.

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WhenwillIfeelnormal · 21/01/2010 11:05

Memory Lane - I think if you re-read your posts, you might see how conflicted, contradictory and in denial you are about all this. As you are in a bad place at the moment in terms of your sense of self, it is to be expected though.

It seems highly unlikely to me that his marriage is ending - did his wife confirm this?
Regardless of their situation, he is treating her with contempt - and I see her reminding you that their 30-year marriage has lasted for a reason, as her understandable resistance to his attempts to re-write history. She probably knws only too well that he has been saying their marriage was a rebound thing, done out of duty because of pregnancy, which cannot explain why he is still there when their youngest child is 26. He is voting with his feet - and they are firmly ensconced in the marital home.

Old flames are indeed the most dangerous, because they evoke in us memories of a time when we were young, carefree and when life seemed full of possibility. Your exH is idealising to an extent and is feeding his (and your) "long-lost love" fantasy. Yes, he may have felt vaguely guilty about hurting you years ago - and he may have wondered "what if?" - and in fairness to him, this may have stirred up some uncomfortable feelings in him, probably not necessarily related to the past, but more because you represent an opportunity for him to be unfaithful.

That's where my sympathy for him ends though. Setting you a trap to see if you were a "bunny boiler"? Do you really think that kind, emotionally intelligent men do things like this? If his marriage had ended, what would it have mattered if you had been invested enough emotionally to pursue a meeting with him?

He promised his wife he wouldn't contact you again and he's broken that. He is portraying her as an angry Mum who supervises his interactions, thereby shirking responsibility for his actions. She sounds like a decent woman tbh - and I feel sorry for her.

As for why this happened, it's pretty obvious isn't it? You are at a cross-roads in your marriage, going through the menopause (from your "window" thread) and your husband has moved out of the marital bed. It's not surprising in the least that this has happened now, but you must know it's not the answer. Your ex never was the answer.

You don't say much here about what is going on in your marriage or how feelings are communicated, or indeed whether you want your marriage to continue. If you do want a better relationship with your H, it seems to me that you are delivering clues and hints to him (leaving the window open, despite his discomfort) without telling him directly how bad things really are. He in turn is leaving bigger clues for you, by exiting the marital bed rather than trying to reach a compromise about the room temperature. What seems to be missing is an honest conversation about what's really going on here.

If you want your marriage to work, I do believe in telling him what has been happening here with the exH. Given that you two seem to communicate so indirectly, it could be that something as incontrovertible as your actions with the exH might be the sort of wake-up call your H would respond to, rather than passive-aggressive attempts to express your discontent with one another.

HappyWoman · 21/01/2010 11:13

why dont you just not answer the phone?

You have agreed not to contact him again so wont be doing anything wrong so need not feel guilty about that in the least.
He will soon get the message.

I did have something similar happen to me a few years ago - an old friend contacted me via friends-reunited - we chatted (with my h knowledge) it was only when he suggested we meet up and that he did not believe me that my h knew about him. I just stopped responding to his emails. I admit i enjoyed the attention but as soon as he suggested sneaking about behind my h back i saw him a different light altogether.

alypaly · 21/01/2010 11:17

if your ex marriage was ending, why was his wife stood next to him whilst he was on the phone pleading yours and his innocence. She sounds thoroughly decent.

Stop enjoying the attention and be faithful to your own husband and stop teasing

alypaly · 21/01/2010 11:21

BTW if it is innnocent on your part....why title it an 'emotional rollercoaster'....

memorylane · 21/01/2010 11:26

Whenwillifeelnormal - thankyou. I totally agree with your post and I am glad you wrote it. I cannot agree with your last paragraph as much as I want to. There is NO WAY in the world my DH would accept/understand. He would no doubt believe me to be totally untrustworthy and it would distance him more so than he already is and that would be the best case scenario. I would like to tell him and hope for a wakeup call but I am too scared to try it.

I have thought I would not take the telephone call but I feel that I want to tell him myself that this is the end of the road.

Just to clarify, he has said, more than once, it would not be a good idea to meet up as he thinks it could go further. I think he is dreaming, I have no desire to rekindle any romantic relationship with someone who hurt me so much 30 years ago. Worrying, he has checked out my DH via the internet, I don't like that at all. Maybe it was just curiosity I don't know as I would have told him anything he asked anyway, we didn't get that far into a conversation about me and my life but I have to say I am a bit scared. He has assurred me he will never do anything to intercept my current life

OP posts:
WhenwillIfeelnormal · 21/01/2010 11:29

How do you know he has checked out your DH?

memorylane · 21/01/2010 11:31

alypaly, his wife was beside him when he was on the phone because since he has spoken to her prior to xmas about a divorce, she then went on and found some emails between me and XH. She put 2 and 2 together and made 5 and assumed he wanted out because of me. I know, I know, it doesn't quite sound plausible. FWIW, he told me in his earliest email he was divorcing her before I mentioned anything of my life to him. Also I have always said I am happily married so I have not said anything to let him think there could be something with me.

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memorylane · 21/01/2010 11:31

He told me on the phone 2 days ago when he explained his 'life story'.

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memorylane · 21/01/2010 11:38

alypaly I callled it emotional rollercoster because he poured his heart out to me which was totally unexpected. I didnt really even expect a really and thought no more of it until he responded. I guess it opened my old wounds too as it did his. We were both young

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WhenwillIfeelnormal · 21/01/2010 11:39

Thanks for clarifying Memory, but you haven't always told him you were "happily married" have you? You said in an earlier post that your marriage was "not perfect, but not that bad", resulting in exH offering a "shoulder that you could always cry on". That's pretty far removed from saying you're happily married - this is what I mean about your denial.

I'm also not sure what you mean by your H being distant in the face of a revelation, being the "best case scenario". Do you mean that potentially, it could be much worse than this, or what would be your best-case scenario?

What do you want from your life and your marriage?

alypaly · 21/01/2010 11:39

i have no doubt in my mind that she was stood beside him to hear her husband say that there was nothing in it..... if it was all over and they were splitting up before xmas and before she found the emails, why would she want to be bothered with a conversation between you and your ex.

I think you are being told one thing by your ex when she is around and he is hoping to rekindle what you had and and you are just adding fuel to the fire. End it ....no phone calls....
If it is innocent...tell your husband and come clean and stop going down memory lane. You are potentially going to hurt other people who dont deserve it.

memorylane · 21/01/2010 11:48

Whenwillifeelnormal, point taken, I did say that didn't I. I want my marriage to be the best but DH has been emtionally distanced from me for a long long time and is quite self-sufficient enough that his work occupys much of his time. We are not intimate anymore and I need that from him. Despite many talks on my part nothing seems to change, although if DH was that unhappy maybe he would not be here. I don't want my DH to know or even think he cannot trust me, he can and that is why I am ending any further talks with XH today.

Alypaly, I have asked myself the same things re his wife. I am told that he discussed other reasons for thier breakdown of marriage but since seeing the emails she concluded that maybe the 'other reasons' were untrue and actually 'I' was the reason if that makes sense. Whatever, irt is for them to resolve and not really my business. I think I have been a fool, and he has been flattered.

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HappyWoman · 21/01/2010 11:55

I also think you are justifying having another conversation to 'end it' This is classic when a cheater is found out (not that i am calling you a cheat in any way). However you want to tell him - actions speak louder than words and he will soon get the message.

If this man so wants he will cause trouble for you anyway - it is very easy to check out and find all sorts of details about someone with the internet.
Have you though that he may well 'cause trouble' anyway just to keep what is going on now? He already holds this power over you and maybe some of the emotions you are feeling are because of that. Do you feel that you need to take control of this and so take his calls?