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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

i want out of this :-(

53 replies

lailajane · 13/01/2010 21:42

i havent been on mumsnet for well over a year, but recently i have had lots of issues that made me think - i know where i can get some good advice!

i dont quite know where to start. me and dh got married when i was 19 and i now realise that was far too young. anyway, we have been married 8 years and have 2 daughters aged 4 and 2. everything was going fine until he decided mountain climbing was his new hobby. i love the fact that he has a hobby and goes off to do his own thing but in my opinion he has become selfish. last year he was away for 2 weeks in majorca climbing, the year before that 2 weeks in france, and he has just said to me i need to book easter off work and also 2 weeks in august so i can have the kids whilst he goes away climbing again. we had a massive row in oct 09 because i'd had enough. he'd been away for 17 weekends out of 21 and it was as though him being away every weekend is normal to the kids and i dont think thats fair. even after the birth of our second child, when i had post natal depression and also 4 puppies to deal with from our dogs is when he went away to france for 2 weeks!!! i have never forgiven him for that. the row escalated and he tried to strangle me. he has never been violent before and hasnt since but it still scares me. in 3 years i have never met the lads he goes climbing with (they are from his work) and on both abroad holidays there are no photos of any one other than my husband. i think i have come to the point where i just dont know if i love him any more because i dont understand how someone can be so selfish. i even wonder at times if the kids would see more of him if we divorced. i'm sorry to ramble on but i just needed a place to get it all out and be able to ask for advice!!! xx

OP posts:
WingedVictory · 13/01/2010 22:02

When did he take up mountain climbing?

TequilaMockinBird · 13/01/2010 22:03

That sounds awful Laila .

I'm not very good at relationship advice I'm afraid, but bumping this for others to see

SleighGirl · 13/01/2010 22:05

Are you sure he is actually going climbing with the lads for all of those weekends and holidays?

ChickensLoveMarmite · 13/01/2010 22:08

The whole situation sounds like it's out of control So, I suppose the first thing to ask yourself is, what do you want? Do you want out of this relationship? If you don't, then you really need to think long and hard about where this is going. However heated an argument gets, a loving husband does not try to strangle his wife in to submission.

BooHooo · 13/01/2010 22:17

You poor poor thing. I have no advice just wanted to say you must be feeling rotten and I'm not surprised.

poshsinglemum · 13/01/2010 22:27

My ex was a mountaineer and was always off climbing. It's a very selfish hobby and it's addictive.

You both need to have a very long chat about this.

ZZMum · 14/01/2010 10:11

I think the most worrying line here is the "he tried to strangle me" - think his hobby is the least of your issues.. you are being abused.. surely that must be reason enough to get out?

motherlovebone · 14/01/2010 14:04

The title of your post says a lot.
That you are sad and want out.

Like ZZ says, you are being abused.

Will he leave or will you have to force him / leave yourself?

NicknameTaken · 14/01/2010 14:07

He tried to strangle you. Leave. Seriously. There is no way back from that. No talking, no compromise. It's recognized as one of the most dangerous and serious types of domestic violence.

Kiwinyc · 14/01/2010 14:49

Its easy to say 'just leave' and if it happened only once in the heat of the moment and its uncharacteristic of his behaviour in general then you can decide to overlook this behaviour.

But i agree that you need to have a long chat about this hobby, because your DH is being very selfish and unsupportive and you quite feel he should be making you and his children a higher priority in his life.

On the one hand, you've let him get away with it for a long time and been much more tolerant that most other people would have been. (I would have put my foot down at all those weekends away) Its going to be hard to persuade him that you've had enough but i think you need to decide what your limit is, halve it, and then negotiate a compromise that requires him to limit the amount of time he's away and some time when you get a break as well.

And make it clear that this is affecting your relationship and your feelings for him.

mathanxiety · 14/01/2010 15:49

He tried to strangle you, so please, no more talking or wondering if he is really just out climbing mountains when he's away -- he is putting distance between you and him, emotionally and physically. He has already left the relationship on so many levels.

If you do think it's worth a shot, or if you can't allow yourself to think of bringing it all to a screeching halt without giving him a chance to redeem himself, take out the calendar and mark the times you will be away from home while he will be at home with the children. It should be equal to the number of weeks he is away. You could tell him you will be going away to your friends or your parents or wherever. Watch his reaction. Then make plans.

AnyFucker · 14/01/2010 19:58

he is not climbing mountains...not those of a hilly kind anyway

but it doesn't matter

next time he puts his hands around your neck, he will very likely kill you

leave, or get him to leave, any way you can

kiwi...look, do you feel attempted strangulation is an overlookable offence??. I don't think the police would take that approach, tbh

FabIsGoingToBeFabIn2010 · 14/01/2010 20:01

Seems to me he wants to live the single life while having someone to wash his socks and shag him when he wants.

Are you sure he is not off with another woman?

The fact he nearly killed you is just too much and I would be out of there.

Portofino · 14/01/2010 20:03

I am with AF on this one!

SmallShips · 14/01/2010 20:09

Of course you "want out of it", who wouldn't. You stay at home looking after the DC whilst he fucks off climbing for weeks at a time and when you do eventually see him he tries to strangles you.

OP for you and your children's sake you need to get out of there. Apart from abuse what are you getting out of staying?

Lulumama · 14/01/2010 20:20

he's not there for you, he is leaving you to cope on your own, while he holidays, he tells you when to take your time off work, not so that you can have a nice time together, but so he can piss off and do what he watns

and, by the way, he strangled you!>!

i would suggest calling womens' aid and finding a way to leave or get him to leave while you still can

Original poster
lailajane · 14/01/2010 20:57

thanks everyone. its really hard to explain but i know what you are all saying is things i know myself, i just needed to hear it from others i think. we live in a council house, but luckily it is my house because he couldnt be bothered to come sign the tenancy with me so it is in my name only. i think i have been trying to make it work for the kids sake. they absolutely adore him and are such daddys girls. and he is a good father. i remember thinking to myself a few weeks ago that i could put up with all this until they are older then i could end it. that i could just carry on and pretend i am happy for their sake so we are a family unit. i felt that would i look back on my life and think that i ruined our family unit just for my happiness.

OP posts:
FabIsGoingToBeFabIn2010 · 14/01/2010 20:58

Don't stay in a relationship you are planning on leaving. You should be with someone because you want to be with them forever and believe you will be.

SmallShips · 14/01/2010 21:08

A man who tries to strangle the Mother of his children is not a good Father laila, nor is one who would rather fuck off for weeks at a time climbing instead of spending time with them when their Mother has PND. He's out for himself.

Why is your happiness less important than his?

AnyFucker · 14/01/2010 21:15

good father ?

you are deluded

a good father does not attack the mother of his children

does not bully her, and fuck up her self-respect so much that she is willing to put up with this shit because he is "a good father"

does not spend so much of his free time away from the family, shagging God knows who

I reckon he has a long-term relationship with someone else, sorry

look at the relationship threads on here, there is noooo way ever that anyone will agree that you should stay in this abusive relationship for the sake of the kids

unless you are happy for them to grow up with some sort of sick idea of how a loving relationship works so that they go and eventually find one just like yours for themselves....

bloodyright · 14/01/2010 21:24

Strangling is definitely not good, are there degrees of strangulation? Did he strangle you to the point you had bruise marks on your neck and couldn't breathe? Or did he just kind of put his hands round your neck while you were arguing.

If he got you to the point that you couldn't breathe, then get all the advice you can before getting him out of your home. You have to get him out of your home surely to god. You can't take the chance that it might be a one-off. That's like saying he sliced me with a knife but it was just a one-off - FFS - once is enough when it comes to endangering your life.

I know that mountaineering can be very very addictive, its all the pure adrenelin and testosterone I think. Its also a certain character that gets into it, usually very intense people. Very difficult to maintain a relationship when your intense on mountain climbing, it takes over your life if your taking it seriously. As a partner you either have to accept the back seat or you move on. Believe it or not there are some partners who accept it but I think they are usually fully aware of the "hobby" before they get too involved.

He sounds like a terrible father - there is no doubt your children will be affected by your leaving him. Probably all in a positive way.

And don't look at it like you are leaving him - he has left you, he has made it clear he does not wish to continue in your relationship in any acceptable way - it is him that has made the situation unbearable - NOT you - you have been too bloody nice.

Original poster
lailajane · 14/01/2010 22:12

bloodyright - we were arguing and he just snapped and put his hands round a squeezed tight and let go. it wasnt long enough for me not to be able to breathe. it just scared me the look in his eyes was just pure hate, i can still see it now.

OP posts:
Original poster
lailajane · 14/01/2010 22:13

and i was left with bruising

OP posts:
Kiwinyc · 14/01/2010 22:23

Anyfucker - OP gave no details about this 'strangling' until now. Are you qualified to advise on what Police procedure would be for a first time alledged incident?

Laila - Anything that leaves bruising was clearly violent. He's having his cake and eating it. You need to stand up for yourself and make plans to remove him from your life. Unfortunately you and your children are not one of his priorities and unless you want to give him the chance to show you how important you are to him, (which it doesn't sound like he deserves) you will have to accept that he doesn't care about you and give yourself the opportunity to find someone else that does. He's gotten away with this behaviour because you've let him, don't let him continue to walk over you.

AnyFucker · 14/01/2010 22:29

ah kiwi, so now you think "strangling" is "not ok" and have changed your stance...

in my world, any placing of hands around neck is assault, potentially fatal, certainly to make anyone fear for their life, so is never excusable nor workable-through

I am sorry you think I jumped on you, but I don't get where you would draw the line between "harmless" strangling and dangerous violence

in my eyes, a line is crossed and it doesn't fucking matter what the difference is any more