i want out of this :-(

[lailajane]

i havent been on mumsnet for well over a year, but recently i have had lots of issues that made me think - i know where i can get some good advice!

i dont quite know where to start. me and dh got married when i was 19 and i now realise that was far too young. anyway, we have been married 8 years and have 2 daughters aged 4 and 2. everything was going fine until he decided mountain climbing was his new hobby. i love the fact that he has a hobby and goes off to do his own thing but in my opinion he has become selfish. last year he was away for 2 weeks in majorca climbing, the year before that 2 weeks in france, and he has just said to me i need to book easter off work and also 2 weeks in august so i can have the kids whilst he goes away climbing again. we had a massive row in oct 09 because i'd had enough. he'd been away for 17 weekends out of 21 and it was as though him being away every weekend is normal to the kids and i dont think thats fair. even after the birth of our second child, when i had post natal depression and also 4 puppies to deal with from our dogs is when he went away to france for 2 weeks!!! i have never forgiven him for that. the row escalated and he tried to strangle me. he has never been violent before and hasnt since but it still scares me. in 3 years i have never met the lads he goes climbing with (they are from his work) and on both abroad holidays there are no photos of any one other than my husband. i think i have come to the point where i just dont know if i love him any more because i dont understand how someone can be so selfish. i even wonder at times if the kids would see more of him if we divorced. i'm sorry to ramble on but i just needed a place to get it all out and be able to ask for advice!!! xx

AF - No, i see that you see everything in black in white and I'm glad I don't live in 'your world' because it appears to only contain a lot of swearing where everyone and everything is either potentially dangerous and violent or is dangerous and violent. [hmmm]

I always thought i was cynical but you are so quick to damn (not just talking about in this thread) you actually sound damaged yourself.

Strangling your wife is not acceptable in any situation, no matter how it is done. (Consensual sex stuff aside).

Kiwi, agree that sometimes people on here scream abuse, where a bit of foot putting down might solve the problem, but I don't think this is one.

of those threads, I should add.

i also think that to gloss over something like this means that no notice is being taken of the OPs feelings. she posted this for a reason. she knows its wrong and she is unhappy.

and the police would certainly not play down an incident like this, i am one. any allegation of assault and we would have to act. we have to take 'positive action' against domestic violence.

I am sorry, and you are not going to like this.

Every other weekend? Are you sure he is not with a woman whose children go to her ex every other weekend, leaving her free?

No photos?

Never met the lads?

I am sorry OP but that stinks

And as for strangling you, that is unforgiveable.

You need to have an open and frank discussion with your DH. NOW.

'He tried to strangle you. Leave. Seriously. There is no way back from that. No talking, no compromise. It's recognized as one of the most dangerous and serious types of domestic violence. '

This.

Chats? He's a climber. People who do that a lot, and I know because I used to climb every spare moment I got for 9 years before having kids, have a lot of strength in their hands, arms and back.

He could have killed you, by accident, even.

Seriously, end of.

My ex h is a mountaineer and amazing rock and ice climber.

He realises his hobby is selfish, so he had a vasectomy without ever having any children and married another childfree by choice outdoor person.

That's what a decent person does.

Ring the council tomorrow. If he is not on the tenancy agreement, it's most likely you can pack his things and kick him out.

But doublecheck.

Oh, and call the police if he gets nasty. Do NOT let him in to 'talk', because he'll be angry, and this time, he might unwittingly squeeze a little harder than he thought he could.

I personally would worry about the outcome of an open and frank discussion, bearing in mind what has happened when the OP has previously expressed displeasure.

OP, please, please ring Women's Aid and ask their advice.

'I always thought i was cynical but you are so quick to damn (not just talking about in this thread) you actually sound damaged yourself.'

That's a pretty sick thing to say, IMO, considering the OP said in her OP that he had tried to strangle her.

In.her.OP.

kiwi, whatever you think of my motivations, you will see you are a lone voice on this thread

and if you think any kind of strangling is ok, you are the damaged one

if you would like to drag any other stuff that I have posted up, I suggest you do it separately from this thread, because that would be sooooo far from helpful for this particular OP

I am not one to jump up and down and shout abuse, in fact, I usually like to jump up and down and shout that it might not be.

But, a man strangling you with a look of hatred in his eyes and leaving bruises is pretty scary.

I don't actually understand how you managed to overlook it.

In itself the strangling is bad. But along with his selfish response to family life and his lack of concern for you or your happiness. LailaJane, it sounds just awful, and thankfully it sounds like you know what you have to do.

I really hope you find all the strength and support to get this dangerous eejit out of your life for good.

To figure out whether the mountain climbing is a cover - Has he bought loads of mountain climbing equipment and does he obsess about it the rest of his spare time?

and yes, I damn any person, man or woman, who puts their hands around another's neck with the intention to terrorize and hurt

how is that ok ?

Yes! Climbing is an extremely expensive hobby, mountaineering and ice climbing even more so.

He would have had to have spent thousands if he's doing it at that level.

There is NO way one of his mates has all the gear unless he's a millionnaire and even then, it wouldn't work because you don't usually climb with the same person every single time.

Climbing's a great way to meet people in that respect.

But we spent an absolute bomb on gear alone.

It also wears out, ropes especially, and gear can often enough get damaged or lost, particularly in mountaineering.

Most real climbers who also mountaineer and ice climb have about 5 or 6 different sets of shoes or boots: mountaineering boots (more flexible sole, but plastic), heavy backpacking boots for long approaches with heavy packs in non-winter, ice climbing boots (VERY stiff, inflexible sole), climbing shoes for sport climbing, climbing shoes for long routes, approach shoes for walk-off descents, etc.

Ropes. If you have double ropes you usually buy one and your mate buys another because they cost a load.

I won't even go into ice tools v. mountaineering ice ace, types of crampons, ice screws, or trad v. sport rock climbing gear.

And they train, train, train.

Many climbers I knew used to be addicts of one sort, and they swapped whatever addiction it was they had for exercise.

Running, lifting weights, Pilates or yoga for core strength, on top of climbing.

expat, I think I fancy you

Any, my SIL stayed with her ex partner after he strangled her in a similar fashion.

Then he tried to run over her and she wound up in hospital with a fractured skull, punctured lungs and a number of broken bones.

Only that time, the procurator fiscal filed charges against him itself and SS made it abundantly clear to her that if she went back with him or even hung round him overmuch, she would lose their kids.

Three years later, she realises that she was too young when they got together and she stayed because she was young and didn't know better.

Thankfully, she's alive to have learned this.

Strangling is strangling is strangling. End of. And this is the police view too. They don't consider strangling any kind of alleged first incident. I ended things after my ex tried strangling me. I know that look you mentioned, LailaJane; I will never forget it.

Your family unit is basically you and your DCs as things stand, and though it will take a lot of hard swallowing, go to womens aid and get their help in ending this, for your DCs' sake if not for yours.

So to sum up, OP -

Your daughters never see him on the weekends, and they think that's normal, and he'd rather be away than spend time with them. And this has been going on since his younger daughter was a newborn, if not before.
He'd also rather be away climbing than spend time with you, his wife, either on weekends or holidays. And when you had PPD and a newborn and a toddler.
He is spending a fortune on climbing gear and overseas holidays while you rent a council house. Does he care about your future at all? Want to own a place some day, for the kids? Want some security and some savings? No?
And oh yeah, he TRIED TO STRANGLE YOU.

He's not around to spend time with you and your daughters. He can't be contributing much financially with a hobby like that. I'm going to guess you don't have a lot of sex. And you can't express your views for fear that he'll kill you.

This is already a broken marriage, Laila. I'm really sorry, but it is. I'm having trouble seeing how you or your daughters would be worse off without him. You've got to leave.

Firstly you need to take some advice from a support group for domestic violence. If this man is having an affair (or maybe he really is climbing) taking away the security of his home and children could cause him to really explode. You need to get out of this because stranging is strangling.

Just make his exit as planned and as safe as possible, you need to have informed the Police and you need physical support in your home with you when you do this. Please also make sure your locks are changed immediately because I found this to be a problem.

I really do speak from experience. My Ex. and I had the polite 'oh its all over' chat (mainly his choice too) and bumbled on for a while, he was in fact already in another relationship but when it came time to leave the violence really escalated, one of these episodes was in front of my then 4 year old daughter and she is still very scared of him. He was absolutely terrifying to both me and the children and 4 years on, it is still a mess. What I didn't realise, and I know that this sounds silly now, is that I was experiencing domestic abuse. This happened in all sorts of ways, emotional financial etc but I just carried on because i didn't want my children to lose their Father. Sadly, his actions meant that he just threw them away anyway.

Your husband, whether he is having an affair or is obsessed with his hobby, is away from his family a lot. His priorities are not with you and the children and they should be. Like most others here I agree in a sense it is already over but please please please make sure you have suppport for the exit strategy because this is a dangerous time for you and your children. Once someone has crossed the line in a violent way the route to the next attack is an easier one. He did it once and got away with it so please do not provide an opportunity for him to do it again.

Actually, the beauty part about it all, Laila, is that, as you are the tenant, you don't have to go anywhere at all.

You can kick him out.

You can go on living as you are now, without having to row, or be strangled or stressed out about him.

You might even consider having the locks changed the next time he goes off mountaineering or whatever it is that he does? Then when he comes back, have support for yourself in the house, and have him served by an officer of the court right there with a protection order, barring order, or something to persuade him that he can no longer go anywhere near you.

thanks everyone. please dont all start arguing, everyone is trying to help in their own ways and i am taking onboard what everyone is saying. i know the strangling thing was wrong but i find it hard to do anything about it because his brother is very violent towards my sister in law so in comparison it seems not half as bad as what some people go through. i do think he is climbing when he goes away, he has a lot of expensive equipment etc, i just wonder who it is that he is going climbing with. i also find it a bit incomprehensible (is that a word lol) that 5 of the guys from his work can all get the same amount of time off work together when its not that big a company. its just really hard to pluck up the courage to tell him its over because i am scared of how he will react and what he will do. i'm shaking just thinking about it :-(

Women's Aid! Honestly! They will help you on a practical level - and we are all here for support.

i have just looked at their website. seems very informative. i'll try and phone when he's not around (shouldnt be too hard to find a time!) i'm so glad i posted on here now.

It's a really bad sign that his brother is violent, not a consolation to you because you somehow got the better brother. They learned their violent ways at their parents' knees probably, and will very likely not change.

The strangling thing is exactly why you must call an end to this -- it is also in practical terms what is making you so afraid of doing what must be done. You need help from Women's Aid because they are there for women who are afraid of how their Hs will react, and who are shaking just thinking about it. xxxxxxxxxxxx

I hate to add this, but I will anyhow.

The climbing world, where I was at least, was rife with affairs and shagging around.

It was not hard to 'do the circuit' and excepting the most committed and married, most weren't adverse to an affair. Lots of honed bodies, lots of time spent talking during routes/on approaches/in tents (especially during storms), etc.

Being in close quarters in harrowing situations, as can happen on trips, lust could get intense.

At least the tenancy is in your own name.

That is a major coup because you won't have to move.