i've met someone else.

[icancook]

I have been with my partner for 4 years, we have a dd who is 3. Over the past 6 months at work i've become close to one of my collegues who i have known for 7 years. Cutting a long storey short we want to be together but i'm not sure how to do it /what i'm entitled to? My current partner has always said if i ever meet someone else then he would kick me out and make sure i loose our daughter. Can he do this? I do not want to loose my daughter for anything or anyone. I have talked to my mum about how i feel but she isnt very supportive and is set on ruining this other mans life (to be expected i suppose). I know what i have done to my partner is wrong but where do i go from here? Has anyone ever been in my situation as i often read about men meeting woman and not so much the other way around. Thank you.

Are you actually having an affair?

Move out and share residency. You're not going to lose your child just because you want to be with someone else - it's not in the childs interest. Obviously you can share residency with your partner.

You can find what you need to know at The CAB or on the internet
You have the same rights on leaving if you were leave for any other reason

I take it from your post that you're not married so I don't think it's very likely that you will lose your child. No-one can stop you from moving on with your life and it would be highly unusual to lose your child as a result. FWIW, I don't think your current partner's comments show a very caring attitude to your child.

no were not married. Guess i'm just scared. So if i was to move out of the home (joint mortgage) wouldnt that mean he had a better chance of gainng custody as he has the family home? As i'd prob have to stop at friends til i found my own place.

Is he the main carer? I suppose that is the only thing that will affect residency.

Yes i am having a affair, the feelings have been there for a while but the 'affair' has only just started, i dont want to have a affair it's not me which is why i want to leave my current partner asap.

No he's not the main carer. He works full time and i work part-time with regualr overtime as and when we need it.

Unless you can afford to rent and provide a stable home for your child I would stay where you are and try and get the agreement of your partner to split and put your home on the market.

Or rent somewhere solely for you and her but you must provide her with something more than a friends floor.

Do you have equity in the house?

If I thought my partner was going to be either violent or obstructive and refuse to sell or buy me out then I would move out, rent somewhere and forget the house.

What do you think he is likely to do?

If you are set on leaving your partner, then I think you need to tell him asap. If you both own the house, then perhaps he may be able to buy you out? He can't 'take' your child from you, but you do need to make sure that your child has a decent place to live. It's in your childs best interests to have regular contact with both parents.

I'm not sure what his initial reaction will be. Possibly he will either not want the house and just walk out and leave it all to me, which my new partner said he will support me with. The other reaction (which seems likely) is to kick me out/refuse to leave.

I dont think i can afford to get my own place on my own but could with my new partner which he has offered to do but would this effect custody etc?

Sorry, didn't realise it was joint mortgage. Think you should follow Laurie's advice...

Well he is bound to be angry and his reaction will emulate that. I think your new partner is being rather presumptious with regards to the house tbh and a fling is a bit different to living together. Dont you think it would be better to live on your own first and take things slowly? If not for your own sake, your childs

Some good advice given...would advise ending the affair until things sorted with seperation. Just complicates things.

If you and the other man are meant to be he will wait.

No, moving in with new partner will not affect residency or contact - you need to get your head round the fact that you may not see your child half the week as she will be with your ex.

If possible continue paying your half of the mortgage to the mortgage company and tell them you are doing it and that you have split up. You are jointly liable for the mortgage so if he decides not to pay and it gets repossessed then you are screwed. Any chance he is in a financial job so that bad credit will really affect him?

I agree with Angry. Might be unwise to go straight from living with this man into living with the new man.

Dont move in with the other man because its the easier option. You need to take it slowly if only for your childs sake.

Yes, from a relationship point of view and not a monetary point of view you are bonkers to be moving directly from one relationship to another - give yourself some breathing space and live on your own. This relationship didn't work out so take some time to work out why and how you can make your new relationship last (if you want it to).

Do you not think it would be confusing for your dd if you move out of the home with your partner and straight into another home with you new man ??

If you leave then at least have it as just you and your dd for now.

Also you have been together 4 years with current partner yet your child is 3 so I assume you fell pregnant within first year of relationship. As you know having a baby puts pressure on a relationship and changes what you can and cant do.

If you are determined to have new relationship take it easy, date, enjoy time with friends. Dont jump from the frying pan into the fire.

What you should do is stop the affair for now. End things with your current partner and sort out what you are going to do re the house etc. If this other guy loves you he will wait. If your current partner discovers your affair he will make life more difficult for you than otherwise (and who can blame him).

Do the decent thing. When you have sorted yourself out then you can see where things go with the OM.

And for God's sake don't be daft and move the new man in straight away. You may think now that each other is "the one" but real life may change that - as you have already discovered once.

Get some independance for yourself and you will be in a much better position.

I agree, don't move straight in with the other man. It's not fair on your DD for one thing.

What mrsb says.

sorry what I was trying to say is for a relationship to work it needs strong foundations before you move with each other.

How sad that your post is all about what you are entitled to than how your child will cope with being taken away from daily contact with her daddy.