i've met someone else.

[icancook]

I have been with my partner for 4 years, we have a dd who is 3. Over the past 6 months at work i've become close to one of my collegues who i have known for 7 years. Cutting a long storey short we want to be together but i'm not sure how to do it /what i'm entitled to? My current partner has always said if i ever meet someone else then he would kick me out and make sure i loose our daughter. Can he do this? I do not want to loose my daughter for anything or anyone. I have talked to my mum about how i feel but she isnt very supportive and is set on ruining this other mans life (to be expected i suppose). I know what i have done to my partner is wrong but where do i go from here? Has anyone ever been in my situation as i often read about men meeting woman and not so much the other way around. Thank you.

Umm no one called her a bad mother?? IMO (and mine only), what she is doing is terribly hurtful to all involved (especially if the OM has a family too), and the fall out will be tremendous!!

I just dont get it, if you dont want to be with someone, why dont you leave them first before jumping into bed with someone else!

And trust me I have been there, in a horribly unhappy marriage, my solution was not to find someone else/better!

Of course she is entitled to leave an unhappy relationship.
It was the possibility of moving straight in with the OM that I felt was selfish.

So Morris, if your husband told you tomorrow he was leaving and taking your child to live with another woman, you would throw up your hands and say 'that's life' ?

And it never fails to amaze me how Morris (and others) cannot acknowledge how much infidelity skews a situation like this, in ever single direction.

I don't get any sense that the OP was "desperately unhappy" before OM turned up - presumably she might have left beforehand if that were the case? Therefore her decisions might be skewed, blinded as she might well be to what the OM will really be like as a partner.

Her DP's reactions to her leaving (with his DD) are going to be much more severe and painful if he feels he's lost her to someone else - and with the knowledge that she has been deceiving him for months.

The DD's separation anxiety (from her Daddy) is going to be skewed by her child-like realisation that there is another "Daddy figure".

All of this is a vastly different set of circumstances to someone coming on here saying they've been unhappy for years and wants to leave. Infidelity always skews things.

Don't be disingenuous Macdoodle. You can see very clearly that the implication on a lot of these posts is that the op is somehow lacking as a mother - simply because she wants to leave the childs father.

I wouldn't wish to minimise the pain that infidelity causes. I'm sorry for anyone who has to go through that. But nobody asks for these things to happen. Nobody sets out to deliberately hurt their families.

I'm surprised by how often on mumsnet I see posters express the attitude that women must stay in their relationships come what may. No matter if you don't love him, fancy him, are really unhappy e.c.t, you must grit your teeth and bear it, because family unity is a million times more important than your needs and feelings could ever be.

I just really strongly disagree with that.

Problem is that in the first flush of a relationship you are not really thinking sensibly, or with your head. You have no idea what the new person is really like, just an idealised version of them you have built from the little you are discovering, bit by bit. Dumping a child right in the middle of this and expecting them to lump it is a bit rich, especially when they have to witness the hurt of the other parent.

Makeyerown There was nothing in the Op about the strength of the first relationship or it's problems. The replies are based solely on the information given, which clearly set out op's intention to leave her dp and take her daughter directly to live with another man.

I have yet to read a post on mn advocating staying in a relationship at any cost. I am at a loss to understand how posters could be described as pious for suggesting jumping head first into another live in relationship may have a negative effect on the child. That's just common sense, surely.

Once children are involved, any decisions should be made with caution. The first flush of love and lust can cloud judgement and lead to lack of consideration for the feelings of those involved.

Makeyerown - crap!!! I am not disingenious I am as straight talking as they come!!
I would never ever advocate staying in an unhappy relationship for whatever reason!
What I dont advocate is cheating/betrayal/hurt/confusion and upset!!
For everyone including the DC, WTF why do people "wait for something better" before they leave!

If you are unhappy or in an abusive relationship, then try and fix it or leave, or stay (as I did for many many years), but why oh why fuck around, it really only causes hurt and makes things a thousand times worse!

It doesnt make her a bad mother, it makes her a bad person

I also said on one of my posts that I felt it would be better for op to live independently first. I'm not advocating that anyone jump into anything.

But I do feel that any poster who admits to infidelity on mumsnet tends to get a lot of judgemental responses. Falling in love with someone else is not a crime.

And I also stand by my comment that lots of posters seem to feel that women must weather their relationships - however miserable, dull or draining they are. I have seen many threads where the op is clearly deeply unhappy in her marriage, wants to leave, and asks for support to cement her choice, only to be advised to go to relate, try 'date' nights, jesus, I even saw one woman advised to just 'do' sex even though she didn't want to because apparently then she would want to?!!

But look, I'm hijacking the ops thread which was not my intention.

Sorry Icancook. I wish you all the best.

And you are not a 'bad person' just because you want to live with another man.

I think you're wrong, but there we are, I find on MN the opposite, we are very quick to tell women to leave!

Oh and that was Bonsoir who told someone to "just have sex she might like it", just ignore her, the rest of us do

in my moral compass, lying, cheating and sleeping with someone behind your partners back, does indeed make you a bad person!

So, you want to make a go with the new man. Why dont you want to make a go with your partner? Your childs father?

It would probably be less of an upheaval if you just left. Go rent somewhere. Have your daughter on the weekends.

Going from one relationship to another with a small child in tow, seem terribly immature.

How does your new boyfriend like your child? Do they get on?

At the end of the day, adults can do what they like, as long as they are prepared to cope with the consequences. But there is a child here.

If the marriage is bad, then end it and sort out everything else first - residence, finances, emotions - before even THINKING about starting another relationship.

If the other guy is the ONE, he will wait. Moving straight in just so you have somewhere to go is a crap reason to live with someone. Your poor dd is going to be sad enough about a break up without a new "daddy" being thrust at her. Think of HER first.

Nobody thinks those things are O.K.

But doing a bad thing doesn't make you a bad person, full stop.

Everyone has done something or things that they're not proud of.

Let he who is without sin and all that....

Thank u, to be honest i expected alot (well i expected all) of the posts to be negative towards me, as i havent really gone into much detail. If i didnt have dd involved then maybe i would approach things differntly. I havent left yet as i am giving this some thought, i wouldnt say i am a bad person,what i have done to my partner is wrong and i do think about his reaction / how it will affect him and his relationship with dd. The moment it became an affair which wasnt planned but i suppose affairs arent planned are they? Was the moment i decided that i had to do something (end the affair of leave my partner).I dont think there is any future with me and my partner as i would not of done this in the first place if there was. I am scared of him yes but i am not in a violent relationship.

Why are you scared of him Icancook?

A relationship doesn't have to be violent to be abusive.

Affairs rarely happens out of the blue, and they are rarely planned.

This is your wake up call.

You can do two things after you have cooled it off with your lover. And cool it off you must, for yourself, your partner and your child. If new man is meant to be, he will wait, and if he does not wait, he was not meant to be. It is pretty straight forward!

a) I use this time to see what is wrong in your relationship, try and work with your partner and find out if it can get better. Talk to him about what makes you unhappy with him.

b) You decide to end it with your partner, you sort out the split, the financial affairs, and you move ON alone. Either by staying in the house, or by moving to different accommodation. If new man was meant to be, he will wait for you.

What you must NOT do, is to rush head over heals out of one relationship and into the next. You could do this if there were no children involved, but there IS a child in this situation and how you behave now will affect the child. This is why you need to do things properly and with care and over time, because you dont want your child to be upset, and act up, and have troubles.

Think FIRST of your child, next about yourself.
And this is why I advice you to break it up with your lover, and try to focus on your relationship with your childs father. If it can be salvaged, then try, if it cant, move on with dignity!