i've met someone else.

[icancook]

I have been with my partner for 4 years, we have a dd who is 3. Over the past 6 months at work i've become close to one of my collegues who i have known for 7 years. Cutting a long storey short we want to be together but i'm not sure how to do it /what i'm entitled to? My current partner has always said if i ever meet someone else then he would kick me out and make sure i loose our daughter. Can he do this? I do not want to loose my daughter for anything or anyone. I have talked to my mum about how i feel but she isnt very supportive and is set on ruining this other mans life (to be expected i suppose). I know what i have done to my partner is wrong but where do i go from here? Has anyone ever been in my situation as i often read about men meeting woman and not so much the other way around. Thank you.

Not done it with a child but I split from my partner because of someone else and had a joint mortgage. I ended up living with my ex for 10 months and it was really hard. It was the only option though. We both continued to pay the mortgage.

Understand your point Fab but perhaps the OP has considered the emotional aspects and it is the financial aspects which she needs advice on. Finances impact on people's decisions in leaving relationships - it's even worse when they cause people to stay in bad or abusive relationships (I know there is no suggestion that this is one just saying that it always has to be a consideration and often it is a consideration which people have to look to others for advice on).

A very good friend of mine was in the same position as your partner will be in if you go ahead and leave. They have a 3.5yo and it has really had a very bad impact her. They now share custody and are trying to keep things civil on both sides. The betrayal my friend feels is awful and he is distraught about how the custody will be split in the future etc. Their little girl is distraught every time she has to go to the other parent, has regressed in her development and seems to be very unhappy.

I'm sure I'm stating the obvious, but really make sure you have thought this through. Once you split your little family up thats it, you can't go back.

If you are unhappy with your partner anyway, then its probably a matter of time before you split up anyway and you could argue that it would be better whilst DC is small.

But if you are mostly content with partner but its just a case of the grass being greener on the other side then have the balls to stay committed to your family.

Sorry in advance, I know my post won't be popular.

There is, I presume, more of a back story than this, which for whatever reason you haven't chosen to share - but on the basis of what you have posted, I have to say I'm with Fab. You speak about your current partner as if he is something from last year's fashions that you're tired of. Do you have problems in your relationship? Have you tried to resolve these in any way? Or are you just bored with him?

How do you think he is going to feel? Not only losing you but also his daughter and - possibly - his home.

Think about your child and what she needs first, not what you fancy next.

I think some of you are pouring cold water on this relationship. Loads of people move out of one relationship into another without a break. Last week, Lady Antonia Fraser was profiled in The Times and it described how she left her DH and 6 kids and moved straight in with Harold Pinter as they had an affair- and stayed there for 35 -40 years as his wife!

I think a break might be ideal for some people but it all dpends on why the relationship has broken down- and some relationships are dead in the water long before anyone finds another person or has an affair.

It's what happens- lots of piousness on here.

I agree PP. Certainly was the case with me and we (me and new man) got married so even if you leave a relationship for someone else it can work.

Though it is really hard and imagine it's doubly so when there are children involved.

I don't think anyone is saying that the OP shouldn't move from one relationship to the other, I just think people are (rightly) expressing concern at the effect moving straight in with a new man might have on her child.

...and not only on the child! I can only imagine the reaction here if this story was the other way around. Imagine any woman here posting: "I've been with my DP for 4 years and we have a 3-year-old DD. I've just found out today that my DP has been having an affair and wants to move out with the OW and take our DD with him".

How great for your DP, OP, that he's going to learn not only that he's being cheated on, but also that he's going to lose her daughter, and that you're planning to have her live with the man he's been cheated on with. Hope you're proud of yourself.

It's nothing about being "morally pious". What the OP is planning to do to her DP and her DD is just monstrous. And yes, the only thing she seems worried about is "what is she entitled to". A kick on the arse, I would say. And a new partner who will do to her the same she's doing to her D?P. And a DD who will someday realize what she's done, and treat her accordingly. If I'm being judgmental, well, I do believe this thread needed a bit of it.

correction - "that he's going to lose HIS daughter"

"Some good advice given...would advise ending the affair until things sorted with seperation. Just complicates things.

If you and the other man are meant to be he will wait."

Absolutely, onadietcokebreak couldn't have said it better myself.

aurynne - You've actually said everything I wasn't feeling brave enough to.

Aurynne, I agree.

By PurplePeony
Last week, Lady Antonia Fraser was profiled in The Times and it described how she left her DH and 6 kids and moved straight in with Harold Pinter as they had an affair- and stayed there for 35 -40 years as his wife!

Is this meant as a justification for removing a child from the family home and taking her to live with another man? It's ok because some bloody aristocrat left her 6 kids for Harold Pinter?

Op, end your affair and prioritise sorting out your financial and emotional situation with your current partner.
How are you planning to explain to your 3yo that she will be living with a new man she has not yet met? Shockingly selfish, imo.

i wasnt posting to see what i'm entitled to money wise, i was more concerned about having a roof over mine and dd's head.The possibility of moving in with OM was more of a finiacial reason, i.e rather than living with a friend in there spare bedroom etc it would allow us to live in a house of our own. I appriciate all ur advice good and bad, i'm trying not to look at this through rose tinted glasses at all so the negatives are important to me too. The om has met my dd as we've been friends for 7 years before "the affair" so she doesnt see him as a stranger as such. I just wish there was a easy way out but i know there isnt.

"The possibility of moving in with OM was more of a finiacial reason, i.e rather than living with a friend in there spare bedroom etc it would allow us to live in a house of our own."

That's the worst possible reason for leaving and moving in with OM.

What exactly are you trying to escape?

The moment it became an affair me n om discussed where we went from here as we both didn't want t carry on cheating and wanted to give us a go properly. I was worried about living arrangements 4 me and dd and custody etc.

I see where you're coming from, I think. It's inconceivably hard to tell your DP you've met someone you love more. Even worse with DCs.

Still, I agree it would a massive error to do the whole thing in one fell swoop. Being close friends with someone isn't that much of a clue as to how it'll be when you're together full-time, with a family and all the everyday crap that goes on in any life. If you want to give yourselves the best chance of making it work, you really need to do it as 'normally' as possible - which would mean having your own place for a while, him staying over a few nights and all that.

Blurting out "I'm in love with Fred, I'm taking DC to live with him, goodbye!" is never going to get the best possible response. It is, honestly, better to hit DP with the bad news - you're out of love & there is someone else - grit your teeth for a few weeks while you sort out some practicalities, then start having a relationship with your guy.

I do wish you luck

Practically, it took me a huge amount of courage to say the words to my ex. To tell him I didn't want to be with him anymore. I didn't tell him about OM (though he found out later) but like you, OP, I wouldn't have been able to carry on an affair and not finish things with the ex.

You just have to do it. Exactly as ItsGraceAgain says.

thank u

I agree about the piousness.

What I don't get is this.

Any woman who asks for advice about ending a relationship becuase she isn't happy in it any more but is worried about upsetting the kids if they split will be told almost unanimously that she should leave her DH, the kids will be fine, it's better that than stay in an unhappy relationship, what kind of role model are you showing them etc etc.

But when anybody wants to leave a relationship and also be with somebody else, the reaction is often well that's terrible, how can you take the kids away from their daddy, you will screw them up for life, don't do it, it's selfish etc.

Relationships for life are rare these days. Most people will split from a long term partner at least once. It's just a fact of life, and if handled sensitively etc the kids should come out unscathed.

Of course OP should be single for a while first but she has met this guy now, and has a relationship with him.

It just isn't as cut and dried as many have suggested.

IF you want to have the discussion with your DP (and lets face it , it will be nasty)I think the focus needs to be on

you dont want to take his daughter away from him
whatever happens you want to arrange it so that you share custody , and that you are close enough to make this possible
Give him time to think about whether he sells/moves/stays
Dont make it look like you are taking away his girl
accept the fact that YOU will see less of your daughter now, this might be tough
I also agree best not to move straight in with new DP

You need to do what you need to do, but as you effectively ripping his life up, try and be sensitive raher than focus on "what you are entitled to", its hard, good luck

I agree with aurynne, and more, I think you'll want to move on in a few years from this bloke as well. I guess at least you'll know "what you're entitled to" next time. You haven't got willingness or the ability to commit yourself and work through issues. And you haven't expressed one word of empathy what your partner must be going through.

uugh you sound charming and immature and selfish yuk yuk yuk!!!!
Bloody hell, if a man was posting this, he would hung, drawn, quartered and crucified, and rightly so IMO!
So why different, except this woman is going to take his child away as well, foul!!!!!

You havent actually explained why you want to leave, or what is wrong with the marriage, partnership!
Is he abusive, unsupportive, are you unhappy, unloved, and my advice as always would be the same, leave, move get away, but just jumping into bed/realtionship/house with someelse is foul!

So self centred (as all people men and women who have affairs tend to be), all about you, very little concern for your DD and none not a sinlgle iota for your P!
Is the OM married too??

The attacks on the op are getting a bit personal in my opinion.

Falling in love with someone else is not a crime.

If your partner makes threats to 'kick you out and make sure you lose your daughter' if you meet someone else then that is also abusive.

I would agree though that it might be an idea to live independently for a while before rushing in with a new man - but I realise that life does not always follow the 'right' path.

You are not a bad mother just because you decide to leave your childs father - for gods sake some of you!

You can't help your feelings. You can help what you do about them.