is he talking complete bollock??

[DONTtouchMUMSfestiveJUICE]

friend is in a relationship.

seing the bloke for over 6 months. not surely exactly how long. cant remember.

while jumping in shower he decides to tell her he was previously married.. got divorced.. and divorced his kids so he has no responsibility to them.

says its none of her business and would never affect their future.

am i right when i'm telling her there is no way he can "divorce" his dc... and that the exw could claim maintenance in future if she wished?

and also the kids could come looking for him?

he says aparently neither could ever happen.

but refuses to give her any details at all. she doesn't even know proper ages, if they are born seperate or twins?

he says they were forced upon him makes her wonder if it was twins that came about by accident.

i'm saying he was married to exw.. they were probably planned for and then he abandonned them.

he says he's "changed" and no longer that person and if they were to be serious he wouldn't do the same as he did to exw... yet refuses to go see them and get access? surely if you were a different person and turned over a new life you would go try get access.

i'm also worried he has mental disorders.. there is the possibility he has restraining order of some sort... and not as he says "divorced".

anyone shed some light on this.

can you "divorce" your kids? she says he's adament.

I suppose it depends on how old the children are as to whether he can regain contact and as to whether it is wise. This is a seperate issue to maintenance though. He should be financially supporting his children whetherhe is in contact with them or not.

Anyman who can reject his children is not worth having. Nice guy!

Heh, I thought that's what you meant (and stop letting your friend's dilemma drag you away from your studies! says me, who used to be ever so focussed on her studies... not).

I wonder whether he really did try to kill himself, or whether he's making it all up for sympathy?

• Bruises her during sex, despite her telling him to stop

• Puts snake on her while she sleeps

• Admits to not caring about his kids enough to bother to see them, since his relationship with their mother turned sour

• Twists arguments to make her feel at fault to matter what.

• Refuses to discole info about himself

• Seems to be trying to force her into a more serious relationship quickly?

Anything else to add to this pitiful catalogue of shittiness?

The real question OP is why she feels like she has to put up with this, when she's got nothing to tie her to him. What do you think?

Have you shown her women's aid website WRT bruises etc? He's beating her up under cover of "rough sex" and i'm willing to bet it won't be long before he can't be bothered to even keep up the pretence any more and just starts hurting her at any time.

*disclose

I was legally adopted by my (step)dad when I was 6 my biological father had to sign away all responsibility for me, & subsequently had no contact at all with me & isn't legally my father at all. Is this what he means by that?

Regardless of that I would be thinking 'run for the hills' if it were me in that situation. Can't believe he just dropped it into conversation out of the blue like that! There are no words to describe him IMO!

Dear god.

It's not just about the ex-family thing, is it??!

Wrt to that: A friend of mine is married to a bloke who did this. He doesn't know where his (adult) ex-kids live, if they're married or anything. I don't much like him, and the 'invisible family' thing freaks me out. BUT she loves him, he loves her and they have a grown-up family of their own, in which he is properly involved. I assume the backstory is far more complex.

In your friend's case: she's with a man who not only glosses over his past (and seems ashamed of it) and is capable of deleting close relatives from his life, but also treats her with extreme cruelty - enjoys terrifying her, dismisses her own feelings and is sexually aroused by injuring her.

The big issue is why is she willing to accept this - but, before we get on to that, how to encourage her to get rid of this torturer before he gets her pregnant & breaks her legs (probably in that order)? I hope she reads Women's Aid - even better if she rings them for a chat.

You're a good friend.

linked her the womens aid thing. there's a fair few of them she can tick the box.. hopefully she'll ring them.

Snorbs, that "dating a loser" site was fascinating, and so encouraging to realise that there is a sensible way of detaching, which doesn't mean cutting off everything, risking violence as so on. I'm not saying freedom is not worth losing so much, but if it's possible to gain freedom without letting a jerk ruin everything, that's brilliant!

For those who haven't read it, the tip is to "bore" the abuser until s/he loses interest and is ready to become detached.

This has burnished my faith in life, as it is very dispiriting to know such injustice goes on.

This man uses the words 'it is none of your business'. That is the favourite saying of my controlling H - another one which he used all the time at the start of our relationship was whenever I asked him a question his answer would be 'that's a long story'. I was so naive back then I actually accepted it was just a long story and so that was okay. Needless to say, he always wanted me to be totally open and honest about everything with him - but of course it did not work the other way round. This man sounds horrible.