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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

is he talking complete bollock??

85 replies

DONTtouchMUMSfestiveJUICE · 11/01/2010 20:14

friend is in a relationship.

seing the bloke for over 6 months. not surely exactly how long. cant remember.

while jumping in shower he decides to tell her he was previously married.. got divorced.. and divorced his kids so he has no responsibility to them.

says its none of her business and would never affect their future.

am i right when i'm telling her there is no way he can "divorce" his dc... and that the exw could claim maintenance in future if she wished?

and also the kids could come looking for him?

he says aparently neither could ever happen.

but refuses to give her any details at all. she doesn't even know proper ages, if they are born seperate or twins?

he says they were forced upon him makes her wonder if it was twins that came about by accident.

i'm saying he was married to exw.. they were probably planned for and then he abandonned them.

he says he's "changed" and no longer that person and if they were to be serious he wouldn't do the same as he did to exw... yet refuses to go see them and get access? surely if you were a different person and turned over a new life you would go try get access.

i'm also worried he has mental disorders.. there is the possibility he has restraining order of some sort... and not as he says "divorced".

anyone shed some light on this.

can you "divorce" your kids? she says he's adament.

OP posts:
Original poster
DONTtouchMUMSfestiveJUICE · 11/01/2010 21:12

janos - yeah when he's in his "niceguy" mode, he's mr perfect (another red flag), she's quite smitten by how nice he can be.

she wont tell anyone else. as he has her feeling its no ones business but his. not even hers.

OP posts:
Janos · 11/01/2010 21:15

Yeah they all have a nice side. Unfortunately

thesouthsbelle · 11/01/2010 21:16

HE DID WHAT!!!!!

seriously that's not normal behaviour.

WingedVictory · 11/01/2010 21:35

Oh, dear.

He sounds horrible. Even wanting to make it sound nonchalant, that he has "divorced" his children and so on.... why would you want someone to think you had done that? Why not just say they had died? Therefore no questions from the new GF, and lots of sympathy for being nice guy (if somewhat passive in this scenario).

Sorry to be brutal (it would be a terrible lie to tell), but the divorcing children sounds like a more terrible truth about the way he sees them. Ugh. Very nasty, such a cruel way to talk about "one's own flesh and blood" (no cliche to those of us who love our DCs).

slummymummy36 · 11/01/2010 21:49

He sounds a real catch!!

dollius · 11/01/2010 22:19

Of course you can't divorce your children! That would ignore all their rights!
Please convince your friend to ditch this loser.

caramelwaffle · 12/01/2010 01:22

DTMFjuice - To answer your question: yes he IS talking bollocks.

If your friend does not separate from this man, her life will be ruined, one way or another.

piprabbit · 12/01/2010 01:35

I'd suspect that he had done something so horrible that he had been excluded from the life of his ExW and children - possibly enforced by law.

I wouldn't touch him with a barge pole - unless he could quickly come up with a very reasonable explanation for his weirdness.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 12/01/2010 07:12

Your friend needs to ditch this man of hers asap - this had so many red flags pinned all over it.

No you cannot divorce your children and he is still financially responsible for them.

Presumably your friend is stuck in deluded mode but perhaps the scales will fall from her eyes one day (but then again perhaps only after her own life has been ruined). I sincerely hope that she does not have any children herself because her current man is no decent role model for them to follow.

Pheebe · 12/01/2010 07:59

Agree with piprabbit. He's either done something illegal and has been excluded from the family or he's lying about the whole thing. Either way she should run a mile and if it were my friend I would be telling her that in no uncertain terms (but then I'm a northener and we're not renowned for our tact )

Original poster
DONTtouchMUMSfestiveJUICE · 12/01/2010 08:22

pheebe - i'm scottish... it takes great restraint not to shake her and tell her to get rid of him... and even greater restraint not to kick him in the bollocks everytime i see him

trying to talk her through it in her own mind and see if she can see for herself he's a complete twunt. as it seems to be only way she will be able to leave him for good.

but it's difficult.. everytime she seems to have got it sorted and realise he's lying... he'll contact with another twist of the story, and rather than ignore she gets sucked into another text arguement with him, where inevitably she ends up feeling its her who is in the wrong and her head becomes all jumbled again back to square 1.

OP posts:
Original poster
DONTtouchMUMSfestiveJUICE · 12/01/2010 08:22

attila - good phrase "before he ruins her life too"

OP posts:
ArcticFox · 12/01/2010 08:30

Not defending this guy at all, BUT he could have agreed a divorce settlement with his ex where in return for a lump settlement she agreed to be responsible financially for the children.

Therefore that part of the story could be true.

LoveBeingAMummy · 12/01/2010 08:35

I'm wondering why he has mentioned this now. Something must have happened to have made him mention it, it may be just that he has bumped inot someone who knows all this and knows your friend or even that his wife has got inot contact (for money?) whatever the reason I think something will come to light soon.

Anniegetyourgun · 12/01/2010 08:37

OK, maybe we are all paranoid harpies and/or misled by the OP's emotive phrasing - let us hope so, for Juicy's friend's sake, but it really doesn't seem promising. Obviously the divorcing kids thing is the ten-foot-high red flag, but the snake thing is also more than odd, it sounds seriously off the planet. Not that I'm worried about snakes m'self (if XH had put a snake in my bed I would have assumed it was a well-meant but misguided present) but...

LoveBeingAMummy · 12/01/2010 08:40

We also need to rememebr that he has probably put his own spin on this, by that I mean saying it was his choice. I know it sounds strange but there are men who would rather say i choose not to see rather than I'm not allowed.

posieparker · 12/01/2010 08:45

I would wonder what he'd done wrong to 'divorce' everyone. Makes me think he's been abusive in some way to make such distance between himself and his past. Perhaps he was violent or worse?

The snake thing is a psycho.

2010aQuintessentialOdyssey · 12/01/2010 08:46

To be honest, I would not worry about the kids trying to contact their father in the future, nor about the financial aspect, I would be more concerned with WHAT HE HAS DONE TO HIS FAMILY that has made his ex sign him out of their lives for good in this manner.

I cannot understand a man who speaks about his own flesh and blood in this manner, and tries to reassure her friend that he is well shot of his kids, they wont bother them in the future. It is the most horrid thing for a father to ever say about his own children....

I doubt you can rescue your friend from this man, she is a grown woman, she either has the sense to stay clear of a man who is obviously not normal, or she hasnt. Just make sure you are there for her when it goes belly up. Dont let him block you out of her life. Be vigilant if they ever have children, and dont hesitate to call social services if there is any sign of abuse... (I dont mean to be a drama queen)

Original poster
DONTtouchMUMSfestiveJUICE · 12/01/2010 08:55

artic fox - is that possible? thats what i really need answer to.

annie - there is far more to this story than just the snake that concerns me about the relationship. which i dont really want to post as going to show her this thread

my "emotive phrasing"... is because of what i already know about him.

however... there is one other issue i'd like you wise mners to give her your opinion on.

he's very rough during sex.

bruises/marks which she has shown me.

it would take a great deal of force to cause these.

although she admits to enjoying rough sex. she has mentionned to him that he is too rough and he's hurting her. he hasn't stopped. he claims he just gets "so carried away".. from enjoying himself that he "doesn't realise".. he's injuring her.

to me.. this is his way of bullying her using the cover that it is a sex act.

OP posts:
Anniegetyourgun · 12/01/2010 08:59

I didn't mean to disbelieve you, Juicy - I was doing the devil's advocate thing.

Er, is there anything at all this man does that isn't red flag territory? No wonder you're desperately worried about your friend. This WILL turn nasty, there's no question about it.

clam · 12/01/2010 09:03

No, no, no, no, no!

Please support her in getting out. Now.

Original poster
DONTtouchMUMSfestiveJUICE · 12/01/2010 09:13

even his nice guy acts are red flag territory.

going completely overboard... think they'd been going out a month(maybe 6 weeks).. when he bought her a pet.. a very odd pet.

OP posts:
AngryFromManchester · 12/01/2010 09:16

unless the children have been adopted then they are still his legal responsibility and that includes paying maintenance (are you sure he isn't though? unless she has seen his wage slips he may well be)

posieparker · 12/01/2010 09:16

I would ask my friend to ask a friendly police officer if she should be concerned, I wonder if this man has a criminal record.

MattSmithIsNotMyLoveSlave · 12/01/2010 09:18

He could have agreed a settlement where he paid over a lump sum and then didn't have to pay additional maintenance (although in the past that didn't necessarily stop the CSA coming after you). Or he could have given up his parental responsibility and the children could have been adopted by a new husband of the mother.

But thinking that saying "I walked away from my own children and have no interest in them" makes him more of a catch is strange.

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