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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

is he talking complete bollock??

85 replies

DONTtouchMUMSfestiveJUICE · 11/01/2010 20:14

friend is in a relationship.

seing the bloke for over 6 months. not surely exactly how long. cant remember.

while jumping in shower he decides to tell her he was previously married.. got divorced.. and divorced his kids so he has no responsibility to them.

says its none of her business and would never affect their future.

am i right when i'm telling her there is no way he can "divorce" his dc... and that the exw could claim maintenance in future if she wished?

and also the kids could come looking for him?

he says aparently neither could ever happen.

but refuses to give her any details at all. she doesn't even know proper ages, if they are born seperate or twins?

he says they were forced upon him makes her wonder if it was twins that came about by accident.

i'm saying he was married to exw.. they were probably planned for and then he abandonned them.

he says he's "changed" and no longer that person and if they were to be serious he wouldn't do the same as he did to exw... yet refuses to go see them and get access? surely if you were a different person and turned over a new life you would go try get access.

i'm also worried he has mental disorders.. there is the possibility he has restraining order of some sort... and not as he says "divorced".

anyone shed some light on this.

can you "divorce" your kids? she says he's adament.

OP posts:

AngryFromManchester · 12/01/2010 09:18

I love the title aswell. Is he, erm, rather lop sided too?

geordieminx · 12/01/2010 09:18

Has she got any children?

Original poster

DONTtouchMUMSfestiveJUICE · 12/01/2010 09:23

this is what i was concerned of.

if he can persuade her he meant to say adopted instead of divorced he might talk her round . saying its not he doesn't want them, just he cant see them now.

he's currently in bad guy mode. refusing to talk to her about it and being a bit cruel... when he changes to nice guy he always seems to talk his way around it and change his story to sound believable.

we have a police friend who's long been in the force. and wouldn't under any circumstances look into him to see if he had any sort of past record.

wonder if there's any other way of finding out? could she apply for a disclosure? this would need his signature wouldn't it?

i doubt very much he allows her access to bank statements.

OP posts:

Original poster

DONTtouchMUMSfestiveJUICE · 12/01/2010 09:25

meant not long been in force.

and yes.. title is lop sided.. he's not enough of a man to have 2 bollocks

matt - do you know that from experience? or from legal point of view?

OP posts:

posieparker · 12/01/2010 09:26

I'm assuming she's googled him?

AngryFromManchester · 12/01/2010 09:28

I thought you could run CRB checks on new partners now if you had children? (well i am sure I saw something on the news)

MattSmithIsNotMyLoveSlave · 12/01/2010 09:35

Outdated legal point of view. When I was doing my law degree (gulp) twenty years ago the CSA had not long come in and one controversial aspect was that there had been some settlements negotiated in the 1980s where the non-resident parent handed over a large sum in return for not having any continuing financial responsibility (only worked for the rich where there was enough money sloshing around to do that) but then the CSA had come in and was legally able to just ignore the previous settlement and go after the non-resident parent for ongoing maintenance (in cases where the resident parent was on income support). I assume it got sorted out one way or the other (possibly by not making that kind of settlement any more) but I'm not involved with the law these days.

You could hire a private investigator, but that would cost quite a bit.

Original poster

DONTtouchMUMSfestiveJUICE · 12/01/2010 09:36

she doesn't have any children. which is a little bit of luck there's not children involved in this relationship.

i'd google him if i knew his last name.

he's the other weird thing. no one knows where he lives.. we finally found out the town he comes from (friend is hopeless with places/directions all she could tell was which county) recently after i pestered her for weeks about finding out. her parents mentionned to me this is worrying them aswell that they dont know this detail.

OP posts:

clam · 12/01/2010 09:44

Oh God, it gets worse!

AngryFromManchester · 12/01/2010 09:46

Matt, what has also happened is that there is a loophole between the old and the new scheme aswell! Overpayments on the old scheme can be closed and then completely ignored on the new scheme and no-one can do anything about it, despite the acknowledgement that it should not legally be allowed to happen

Original poster

DONTtouchMUMSfestiveJUICE · 12/01/2010 09:58

so... heard from her this morning.

he's admitted he hasn't "divorced" the children

as suspected... they can claim maintenance at any time, they can look for him at any time, he also aparently is able to locate them if he wants.

he chooses not to have anything to do with them.

and she's considering staying with him as he swears things are different and in same situation with my friend he would act differently .

bollock(still no 2nd bollock)

OP posts:

posieparker · 12/01/2010 10:12

Why would she want to stay with a man that has deserted his own flesh and blood?

Original poster

DONTtouchMUMSfestiveJUICE · 12/01/2010 10:18

because he says if the same thing happened with her he would fight to see dc.

currently trying to convince her that if he's a changed man and that were the case he should be requesting access to his existing dc before even concerning himself with thoughts of future dc.

OP posts:

Anniegetyourgun · 12/01/2010 10:21

It continues to follow the pattern you've identified: first the grouchiness where he won't discuss it, then the nice guy act where he comes up with a rational explanation - when he's had time to think one up?

Unfortunately, not only is he a textbook example of The Future Abuser, she is a textbook Deluded Victim. Just hope she sees the light sooner rather than later.

SolidGoldBloodyJanuaryUrgh · 12/01/2010 10:22

Sorry but your friend is a drip and an idiot if she can't see how dangerous this man is. She's getting off on the drama of being the 'only one' who understands this shitbag and having all her friends running around worrying about her.

(FWIW, it's possible that a nice man could have agreed to his DC being adopted by his XW's new H/P because it was thought to be the best thing at the time, particularly if the now-nice man had those DC very young and was a bit of an immature twunt at the time - a mate of mine fathered a son when he was about 15, and has only recently been able to get back in contact and is now building a good relationship with his 11-year-old - but a nice man would not speak about it in that way, he would be regretful if resigned to it).

2010aQuintessentialOdyssey · 12/01/2010 10:23

If he really was a changed man, he would want to see the children he already has.

Tell your friend that she is a super twunk and a mega numpty. And she should get her head out of the sand and maybe enrol in some self appreciation classes. Surely she is better than this? She does not have to settle for such a scumbag?

2010aQuintessentialOdyssey · 12/01/2010 10:25

SGBjanuaryURgh said it so much better than me.
Idiot is more apt than twunk and numpty (I was trying to be nice)

Snorbs · 12/01/2010 10:44

Could you print out a copy of the Warning Signs You're Dating a Loser and hand it to her?

Original poster

DONTtouchMUMSfestiveJUICE · 12/01/2010 10:53

snorbs. already showed her all that kind of stuff and the red flags lists very early on as it was obvious so early on.

SGB - she's not getting off on the drama to be fair. she's given up discussing it with others.well... definately for this issue anyway... at resent since i'm the only one who's being told what he's up to... what do you suggest? i walk away and just leave her to it...

think i'd rather run around worrying about her and checking out if she's ok when she disappears occasionally. would never forgive myself if something really horrible happened and hadn't bothered checking she was ok. even if this is her just enjoying drama.

OP posts:

AngryFromManchester · 12/01/2010 11:04

is he very young? I think SGB has a point in that it may have been a traumatic time in his life and he felt it was best for the children not to be involved (if their relationship was constantly turbulent or whatever) He may feel ashamed of his behaviour and regret it. But we do not know this as he has given your friend sporadic information adn she does not even know where he lives, so none of it bodes well does it? But your friend is being silly really. You cannot have a relationship with someone ona deep and meaningful level if you do not know anything about them or their past. Unless he is just a fuckbuddy

Original poster

DONTtouchMUMSfestiveJUICE · 12/01/2010 11:15

he was young at the time.

he had committed suicide twice when the dc were young.and was taking illegal drugs ,etc.

but does this excuse him from never making contact now?... someone who had changed there was would look for access.. not just write it off as a bad time in their life and claim to be "changed".... yet not doing anything about it.

sgb - there's a huge difference in your friend.. he's actually looking to see him ds.

friends twunty boyf still wants nothing to do with them even though he's "changed"

he still has the same mental issues now as he had then, he will always have these mental issues... yet refuses his medication.

she knows where he lives as at his house every week. but she doesn't know to give anyone details for emergency iykwim.

OP posts:

Anniegetyourgun · 12/01/2010 11:21

"he had committed suicide twice when the dc were young"

Would you like to rephrase that a little?

Jade4 · 12/01/2010 11:23

I would tell your friend to finish this relationship. Not a nice person and sounds like got a personality disorder.

Has he got no thoughts for his kids whether they were unplanned or planned by his x those kids emotional needs to known their father loves them is important for them.

He is a a selfish person and if your friend thinks he will change - tell her to wake up!

He is pulling the wool over her eyes and tell her to get out before she gets hurt.

Lies, lies, lies things don't add up.

Jade4 · 12/01/2010 11:29

also if he has tired to committ suicide twice before when dc were younger ..........alarm bells he is unstable for anyone.

Please try and tell her this is not a relationship to continue let alone rescue him. He needs to help himself and she needs to stop being a mum to him.

Get her to read a book "Woman who love too much" by Robin Norwood.

Original poster

DONTtouchMUMSfestiveJUICE · 12/01/2010 11:29

annie - he attempted suicide twice.

sorry, trying to mn, while 2 toddlers jumping all over me and supposed to be studying

OP posts:

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