'But We Took You to Stately Homes'...a thread for adult children of abusive families

[therealsmithfield]

Welcome to the Stately Homes Thread.

This is a long running thread which was originally started up by 'pages' see original thread here

So this thread originates from that thread and has become a safe haven for Adult children of abusive families.

One thing you will never hear on this thread is that your abuse or experience was not that bad. You will never have your feelings minimised the way they were when you were a child, or now that you are an adult. To coin the phrase of a much respected past poster Ally90;

'Nobody can judge how sad your childhood made you, even if you wrote a novel on it, only you know that. I can well imagine any of us saying some of the seemingly trivial things our parents/siblings did to us to many of our real life acquaintances and them not understanding why we were upset/angry/hurt etc. And that is why this thread is here. It's a safe place to vent our true feelings, validate our childhood/lifetime experiences of being hurt/angry etc by our parent?s behaviour and to get support for dealing with family in the here and now.'

Most new posters generally start off their posts by saying; but it wasn't that bad for me or my experience wasn't as awful as x,y or z's.

Some on here have been emotional abused and/or physically abused. Some are not sure what category (there doesnt have to be any) they fall into.

NONE of that matters. What matters is how 'YOU' felt growing how 'YOU' feel now and a chance to talk about how and why those childhood experiences and/or current parental contact has left you feeling damaged falling apart from the inside out and stumbling around trying to find your sense of self worth.

You might also find the following links and information useful if you have come this far and are still not sure wether you belong here or not.

'Toxic Parents' by Susan Forward

I started with this book and found it really useful.

Here are some excerpts;.

"Once you get going, most toxic parents will counterattack. After all, if they had the capacity to listen, to hear, to be reasonable, to respect you feelings, and to promote your independence, they wouldn't be toxic parents. They will probably perceive your words as treacherous personal assaults. They will tend to fall back on the same tactics and defenses that they have always used, only more so.

Remember, the important thing is not their reaction but your response. If you can stand fast in the face of your parents' fury, accusations, threats and guilt-peddling, you will experience your finest hour.

Here are some typical parental reactions to confrontation:

"It never happened". Parents who have used denial to avoid their own feelings of inadequacy or anxiety will undoubtedly us it during confrontation to promote their version of reality. They'll insist that your allegations never happened, or that you're exaggerating. They won't remember, or they will accuse you of lying.

YOUR RESPONSE: Just because you don't remember, doesn't mean it didn't happen".

"It was your fault." Toxic parents are almost never willing to accept responsibility for their destructive behavior. Instead, they will blame you. They will say that you were bad, or that you were difficult. They will claim that they did the best that they could but that you always created problems for them. They will say that you drove them crazy. They will offer as proof the fact that everybody in the family knew what a problem you were. They will offer up a laundry list of your alleged offenses against them.

YOUR RESPONSE: "You can keep trying to make this my fault, but I'm not going to accept the responsibility for what you did to me when I was a child".

"I said I was sorry what more do you want?" Some parents may acknowledge a few of the things that you say but be unwilling to do anything about it.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate your apology, but that is just a beginning. If you're truly sorry, you'll work through this with me to make a better relationship."

"We did the best we could." Some parents will remind you of how tough they had it while you were growing up and how hard they struggled. They will say such things as "You'll never understand what I was going through," or "I did the best I could". This particular style of response will often stir up a lot of sympathy and compassion for your parents. This is understandable, but it makes it difficult for you to remain focused on what you need to say in your confrontation. The temptation is for you once again to put their needs ahead of your own. It is important that you be able to acknowledge their difficulties without invalidating your own.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I understand that you had a hard time, and I'm sure that you didn't hurt me on purpose, but I need you to understand that the way you dealt with your problems really did hurt me"

"Look what we did for you." Many parents will attempt to counter your assertions by recalling the wonderful times you had as a child and the loving moments you and they shared. By focusing on the good things, they can avoid looking at the darker side of their behavior. Parents will typically remind you of gifts they gave you, places they took you, sacrifices they made for you, and thoughtful things they did. They will say things like, "this is the thanks we get," or "nothing was ever enough for you."

YOUR RESPONSE: I appreciate those things very much, but they didn't make up for ....

"How can you do this to me?" Some parents act like martyrs. They'll collapse into tears, wring their hands, and express shock and disbelief at your "cruelty". They will act as if your confrontation has victimized them. They will accuse you of hurting them, or disappointing them. They will complain that they don't need this, they have enough problems. They will tell you that they are not strong enough or healthy enough to take this, that the heartache will kill them. Some of their sadness will, of course, be genuine. It is sad for parents to face their own shortcomings, to realize that they have caused their children significant pain. But their sadness can also be manipulative and controlling. It is their way of using guilt to try to make you back down from the confrontation.

YOUR RESPONSE: I'm sorry you're upset. I'm sorry you're hurt. But I'm not willing to give up on this. I've been hurting for a long time, too."

Helpful Websites

Alice Miller

Personality Disorders definition

follow up to pages first thread

Im sure the other posters will be along shortly to add anything they feel I have left out grin. I personally dont claim to be sorted but I will say my head has become a helluva lot straighter since I started posting here. You will recieve a lot of wisdom but above all else the insights and advice given will 'always' be delivered with warmth and support.

Happy Posting (smithfield posting as therealsmithfield)

Grace you "wonder how much of that fury has been diverted from justified anger at your parents?". Heh heh, damned if I know, I have no idea what is the real me and what is latent anger at them or me projecting all over the place. I think I have a heightened sense of injustice and a wish that people could just let each other be. I think that is informed by my childhood.

For what it's worth, I did in RL encounter all those attitudes re mothers/women when working in the legal profession, from men and from women. Perhaps it's just part and parcel of that profession and the people who work in it.

Sal don't feel guilty. I would love to do what you do, combine paid work and motherhood, and manage to put up with the shitty attitudes on both fronts. I just don't have the self confidence to do it.

Grace when I read that conversation you had with your mum about her leaving you overnight it reminded me of my mum in the way that she said she was worried even though she had left you, and trying to shift all blame to your father. My mother actually talks about situations where my sisters and I came to harm and shows real anger towards my stepfather for what happened, even though she was equally responsible for it. Do you think this is a way of avoiding feeling any guilt or do they really not realise they were responsible for the harm in any way?

I have been trying to keep up with this thread and it has really helped me to realise what has happened to me, which is good in a way but also quite painful. I feel so guilty for not speaking to my mum. I feel terrified she will try to kill herself (she has tried on many occasions).

I am really angry that she has caused rifts between me and my siblings, my sister has been so distant with me lately, we haven't spoken for a couple of months. None of my family speak to me now. Another sister defends my mother as a "brilliant mum" despite the fact she was hit and force-fed catfood as a child.

startingtoheal my mum regularly picked us up from school with our clothes packed in the car. She would say we were leaving, we would drive around for half an hour and go home to the abusive stepdad.

Sorry dont have much time today to post but wanted to very quickly post to you queen.

Your post really struck a chord with me because this is exactly what I experienced with my family.
My brothers passive aggressive digs about me having NC with both my parents...so standing up for them in a way and yet not wanting to hear anything about why I had gone NC or more importantly he made it clear he did not care less about my feelings. Despite the fact that prior to going NC and in the beginnings he would complain to me constantly about mothers behaviour.
When I went NC with my mum, in a final phonecall between us she said/had rung me to say that if I didnt want to have a relationship with her that was fine but she had a right to see her GC's. That I was wicked for doing what I was doing but not once did she ask why. Never. I'm sure she constructs the reasoning to herself and to others and that construction will quite probably cast me as the devil incarnate.
I also think that she was at the time full of rage that she was no longer able to control me using her hideous emotional abuse.
After more than two years I know longer care what she thinks.
It was so very painful at first though because I finally had to face up to the fact they really and truly do not see me and the certainly dont give a shit about my feelings. I could not longer hide from the tuth or pretend.
Gosh this is long winded but I wanted you to know that you are bound to feel down and upset by your sisters response. Its not about what she did say, but what she hasn't.
She has diminished you but made herself to look like the injured party. Like saying 'yes anyway moving on we dont really mind about not seeing you anyway, but about your daughter....'
I would not let these people anywhere near my daughter, but I know the decision is yours. I just wanted you do know you are not overdramatising or overplaying any of this.
This is real. Its abuse, and you are 100% entitled to make it stop.
Please keep posting and stay strong.x

My mum was genuinely angry and/or upset when dad beat us up & humiliated me, gladitsover. Her belief system, though, involves glorious unconditional love between husband & wife ... and she is capable of immense self-deception to maintain it (that's how dad got total control over her). So, yes: part of her knows I'm right, and does feel bad about it; the other part simply cannot accept that her life with him was torment, and clings to the woolly fantasy. The fantasy part needs to believe her worrying was enough; that it's proof of a good mother.

Or else, how can she live with herself?
For me personally, I am not out to tear my mum's identity to pieces. I needed to have the conversations - and, basically, get the admission "I wasn't a very good mother". It took years and I have been relatively gentle with her. The fact that she then retreated back into LaLaLand is neither here nor there for me. It's her survival mechanism, crap as it is; not my job to wreck that.

Dealing with the fallout of her poor choices is my chosen project. The majority of 'adult children' choose to go with the fantasy. Personally, I think we are the braver & saner ones, and I think our courage can benefit our siblings & the next generations. But I do not feel I have the right to destroy others' world-views: all I can do is ask them to acknowledge mine, as I acknowledge theirs.

I am thinking about offering to write Mum's life story for her - I may need to butt out of Stately Homes while I consider my real motivations for this.
I'm still reading though!

xxx to you all

I reckon parents act like you are making a fuss about nothing because 1. they don't want to do anything about what you've said (eg it would have felt uncomfortable for my mum to confront her dad about sexually abusing me) and 2. they want to keep up a belief/pretence that they are running a perfect family and they are perfect parents.

I wonder if in the past, women felt they had to do what men said and had less choice, and that is why they can see things as being a male abusers fault but not theirs for knowing about it and not stopping it. They didn't feel they had the power to stop it because it was ingrained in them that men were in charge (well I know my mum's dad intimidated her into behaving the way he wanted and she goes along with all my dad's plans unquestioningly whether she wants to or not).

I can feel some sympathy but it doesn't make it ok, and I feel the disgust and contempt and anger at her weakness more strongly than the sympathy. Like my therapist used to say, "These things might explain the behaviour but they do not excuse it". I can see that it would have been hard for her to do what she should have done to protect me from her dad and my brother, and that I would probably find it hard in her place, but I feel strongly that if you are going to choose to be a parent then you have to find the strength to do what you have to do to look after your children. If she found it hard, how hard did she think the situation must have been for a child?

That's the thing though isn't it, these mothers are not thinking of anyone else but themselves. In my mum's case, I don't think she has NPD or anything like that. I think she has lots of fear (instilled into her during her childhood) which contributes to her being too weak to do anything about anything. She is also closed off to other people to some extent because she never felt love and affection and bonding from others as a child. It can make people 'all out for themselves' in a 'look out for number one because nobody else is going to' kind of way. I think a lot of 'inadequate' mothers' emotional health was very damaged in their own pasts and they didn't do what was necessary to get better.

Again, I can sympathise a bit, that in my parents' generation 'talking therapies' were not 'fashionable' and people's 'way' was to keep a stiff upper lip. There weren't so many opportunities to get help eg they didn't have MN! But no, the sympathy doesn't eclipse all the anger and contempt I feel. I have worked incredibly hard to work out my issues so that I can be the mother I want to be to my children. I have fought through the denial and running away and done things I've found really hard (the therapy, the letters to relatives, things I've said to relatives, boundaries I have created). Because my children are important to me and important enough for me to put the effort in and do things I find difficult to make their lives better. (Just self congratulating myself for being better than her and reassuring myself that I'm less likely to let the same things happen to my children.)

I didn't feel very important to my mothers - one giving me up for adoption and one being too weak to stop me being abused. So I didn't feel very important full stop for a long time. But I now see that their judgement (or expression (lack of) of how important I was) is not necessarily sound, or the same as the world's judgement, or what my own judgement should be.

And, I wanted to add to what others said to you Grace. What your parents did is shocking. I think it is good to get lots of people's reactions of shock to what they did and to feel it yourself, because lots of people who were brought up with bad treatment normalized it in their minds in order to cope with the shock. This must help the child at the time but as an adult it hinders you from processing the feelings. It is easier to see how shocking other people's stories are more than your own. This might not apply to you anymore, I don't know, as you sound like you've worked on it for a long time and you don't seem like you are in denial, you seem like one of the more 'sorted' ones?

Grace that is very brave of you. Its a tough one though isnt it. Whilst I can see it may help you understand your mother you will only be getting her side which may not reflect the truth of the situation. How will she react to it, would she see it as you letting her back into her life? I think for me I dont want to give mine any excuses for her behaviour. Maybe that will come given time but I am not ready for it yet. However you are further down the path......

I haven't comented on your ahocking post yet as I am struggling to get my head around just how both parents could do that to their children. It just leaves me cold. Of course you are not to blame if you did leave your siblings to go to school, after all what example did you have?

It is tough, Sal, and thanks for understanding

SAHM, I'm not sure how to explain myself ... so, sorry if this comes out weird! I've been meditating more lately. I'm aware that the (ahem) love-shaped hole in my middle - which I have variously tried to plug with drugs, drinks, cigarettes, shallow friends, exciting adventures & unsuitable partners - is directly linked to the baby episode. I only found out about it last year. My usual visualisations aren't working with it, probably because I have absolutely no conscious memory of it. I will get to this, and feel it will be a humungous step forward for me. However, anger won't fix it. Not to say I feel no anger ... but what I need to work on, here, is love.

[Butts out again, slightly embarrassed]

Don't be embarrassed Grace, your writing makes sense!

I recognise the 'gap in the soul' thing, it's something I used to write about on here a lot. It sounds like you feel this more than you feel anger about it.

It's really good that you recognise that excessive behaviours which were unhelpful to you long term were a subconscious way to try to fill the gap. I used to do things I wished I didn't do and found it much easier to stop once I understood this.

You said about not remembering bad things that happened when you were a baby. Some people think we shouldn't be affected by it if we have no memory of it and yet we still feel haunted by it. It's how I've felt about being adopted. My therapist used to get his plastic brain out and go on about how some things we don't remember consciously but the primitive part of our brain holds a memory of the emotions and how our body felt which can be triggered by little things (and bigger things) that remind your brain of the events eg a smell or sound or anything. Or your body can just hold onto the feeling even if you don't know what it is about. You don't remember but your body does.

He said that this "heart shaped hole" or gap or whatever you want to call it is common for people who have been adopted and people who didn't bond with their parents properly. He has talked to loads of people like this who describe a similar thing.

grace I dont think there should be any presriptive emotion, everyone is individual after all.
For my part I have gone through a whole range of emotions wrt my mother.
Currently i feel 'nothing' (still get the occasional flash of anger when a memory rears its ugly head). the fact I feel nothing at times makes me sad. It's then I think what a waste, what a terrible shame.
I also agree trying wrt trying to change their perspectives....it's futile. Quite damaging to keep trying, and I know because for many years I did try. I still have he bruises on my head .
But I see now it wasnt my job to 'make her see the light, or change her view'. That was about my needs I just thought if she might then suddenly she would be able to love me . Accepting I cant make that happen is healthier for me.
I too relate to the 'hole'and yes I tried to fill it with drugs, booze, men (bad ones), smoking. You name it I tried it and I never did things by half. I'd drink til I couldnt remember, to the point of life threatening risk. I never quite got the fact that another taquila slammer wasnt going to fill it either. I just wanted to escape from the damned emptiness inside.
Its still there the 'hole' and I've only just realised I have to fill it with my own self acceptance, self love. Tis the only way now. I've realised only very recently that
I can only become self accepting if I start to honor myself...honor my true feelings about things. Become the real smithfield if you like.
its an uphill slog.

About the life story, now that's an interesting concept. Do you think you would find a level of carthasis by writing it? Do you feel you could find yourself through writing about her? I could see that could work you know, may even be healing.
My only worry would be the amount of time you would then need to spend with your mum to do this? Or would you be doing it on your own.
It's just if you've needed rescuing twice from your mum Im not sure more time together would be beneficial?
These are just my thoughts - feel free to ignore them

No, no, I value the feedback
I'm worried about upping the level of involvement with mum again, so soon after I've re-detached. I'm telling myself it'll only be an hour a day - could be done over the phone - but what I don't know is how much it would trigger me (and whether that would be a bad thing?) It's really good to know you think it's worth considering, thanks! Needs more thought ...

How did things go for you today?

therealsmithfield thank you so much for your post earlier today, it really meant a lot. Part of me was so relieved that my sister didn't call me all names under the sun and part of me just thought, no you are not getting my daughter to populate your sunday supplement lifestyle.

It was only when I read your post that I was able to verbalise that I am hurt and upset that she is so disinterested in me as a person that she doesn't even want to know why I've gone NC. I offered to tell her, but she genuinely doesn't want to know.

So my Dad is visiting her and her three kids next week (6, 4, and 2 years old). He will be sleeping in a room next to the two older girls whilst my sister and her husband sleep downstairs. My therapist who I saw today talked about the risks to them and I know he's right. I just called the NSPCC helpline and they also said that they are at risk.

I'm going to have to tell her aren't I? How do I tell my sister (who clearly doesn't want to know) that my Dad sexually abused me and is now coming to spend time with her daughters who are about the same age as when he started with me. I have no idea how to start the conversation.

Queen, that's hideous. I wonder if the knowledge is already squirming just under your sister's conscious level; hence why she feels supportive to you but unable to discuss? Very worrying.

First of all, I'd like to tell you that I rang the NSPCC regarding my sister's kids, a few years back. It wasn't the same issue as yours but the NSPCC adviser said the children should be taken to a place of safety if the situation couldn't be stabilised. I forwarded her email to my sister - who was none too pleased. She did, however, take on board that the problem was serious (which she hadn't fully grasped before) and didn't speak to me for a few months. All OK now.

If you can't express your genuine concern to your sister, how about telling your BIL? Ideally, I guess, you'd try to break it to them both at once.

Your sister might find it very upsetting, and she might "shoot the messenger." Then again, she might not. If your warning results in a change to the sleeping arrangements - job done; the rest can come out in the wash.

I do wish you well with this. It's a really awful predicament for you

Umm, suggestion?
"I know you're not keen to talk about it, sis, but Dad interefered with me sexually from the age of 6-14. I'm worried about him sleeping next to your girls when he visits. I thought you should know. Will you promise me to discuss with BIL? Sorry. Ring me back when you're ready to talk."

(don't know if I got the age right)

queen- I'm going to have to tell her aren't I?

yes Im afraid you are going to have to tell her . But you know deep down you are duty bound to do this.
It will be hard, and the response/fallout will more than likely be very painful for you.
She may not/ probably wont accept the truth, and you cant make her accept it.
But you still have to tell her.
Grace is right it is a dreadful situation.
I have to ask...is there any chance your sister may have been abused too?
Has she had contact with your dad in recent years. Im thinking about her children again when I ask this.
Personally I would write a letter or email to your sister. I wouldnt risk telling her verbally. She cant argue with written contents and then it is there in black and white for her to see and absorb.
You can post it here first if you like (but I respect you may not want to) Im just saying if you need back up/support you will find it here.
Ultimately your duty is firstly to protect yourself and do everything within your control to protect your sisters children. That is 'all' you can do.

grace Just wanted to say...it is done. I am free (well after working my notice I will be). I am very happy. I feel as though someone has just taken their foot off of my head. It was clearly the right decision.
Now the writing thing...hmmm. I do think writing his hugely therapeutic. Hugely. It has helped me no end.
But what are your thoughts? What does your deepest instincts say?
Id love to know what your thought process was when you thought about this initially.

I've read it all; and I recognise everything.

Please can I work through it with you ?

Hello, BloomingFlowers
Where would you like to start?

Smithfield - love the "foot off the head" depiction! Mind if I borrow it?

Not sure about the life story thing. Mum has said, in the past, she'd like to do it but I haven't raised it recently. She may have changed her mind/forgotten about it. What I'm asking myself is whether I hope to gain some 'ownership' of her story by writing it ... and whether that's a bad thing?

We are a journalling family, so it's not as if her record of the past 80 years will be gone when she is. There's no coherent history, though - and there are significant holes in her past; she seems to make things up to fill them. Talking it all through with her would almost certainly bring forth new material - but might it be traumatic for her? I can't see it being traumatic for me, except in terms of getting irritated!

Hmm. Perhaps I should start by asking her if she still fancies it.

OK, I'll e-mail my sister tomorrow. I've got to do it and the knowledge is doing my head in. But when it's done, it's done.

First draft, comments please:

Sis

Thanks for accepting my decision not to see Dad. I am also very clear that I do not want DD to have any contact with him whatsoever.

You and I both know that neither of our parents treated us well and that what we experienced would now be classed as neglect and verbal, emotional and physical abuse.

However, Dad went much further with me and did some truly appalling things. It started when I was not much older than DD is now. I do not trust him around her.

Please can you and BIL think about whether you are happy for him to be around your children. He did it with me and nobody stopped it, it's not a risk I want to take with any of our children.

Please let me know what you decide to do. I'm here if you want to talk.

Sis

I think it's good. Your courage comes through, while being emotionally neutral.

Is there a more definite way to say "think about whether you are happy for him to be around your children"? We know what you mean, but will she when it's what she's most afraid of hearing?

Hello all, have been logging on and trying to read whilst stranded abroad for over 2 weeks, but have been unable to post due to some problem with the PC i was using.

Anyway, am back now, and am going to try and catch up on all the posts I missed.

Was worried the thread would reach it's limit whilst I was away and I wouldn't be able to find the new one

queen. I think you are very brave and hope you realise how courageous you are being .
I think the email is great. Especially leaving the door open for your sis to talk if she needs to.
I would echo what grace said. As hard as it is, you do perhaps need to spell out what your father did to you? So there is no room for confusion on their (your sis and bil's) part.

exotic hello there, hope you had a good break despite being stranded.

I sent the e-mail to my sister, clarifying that the truly appalling things my Dad did were of a sexual nature.

I don't feel brave, I feel sick as a dog. I'm now going to wait for the sky to fall in.

Well an important couple of days here

My grandfather and his wife came to visit - the one I only met for the first time last year and who had been cut out of my life by my adoptive parents

I hadn't even mentioned my suspicions about being sexually abused when he told me that my adoptive father had tried to get my biological mother into bed with him when she was only 17 and he was in his early thirties. My grandmother had been angry with him briefly but then bought his stories about how my mother took it the wrong way and he was only having a joke.

It fits in with my Grandmother's narcissism - she would have been incensed that he had shown interest in her daughter. Maybe this is what prompted her to start an affair with him and leave my grandfather? Narcissistic mothers do compete with their daughters for male attention.

They then told me that my mother would tell them she didn't like the way he looked at me

I now my grandfather is very bitter about what happened and he definately wants to get back at them. If he had told me this whilst knowing that I think he did abuse me, I might have been suspicious that he was lying (although I have no reason to believe he is a lier). When he told me I started shaking and was very upset. I have these troubling memories which have been haunting me - but still nothing concrete in my mind.

It all fits in with my experiences of them. I am also coming more to the realisation of how damaged and twisted my grandmother is. I have sort of excused her a bit believing she has also been abused and manipulated by him. But she could be just as cold, verbally cruel and neglectful. She was torn between wanting her daughters to be successful so that she could bask in reflected glory and not wanting them to trump her in any way. She really is screwed up.

I realise that whilst they revelled in my successes at school and university, they did very little to get me there. I was clothed and fed, I had a home to come home to. But they never helped me with homework, read to me or took any interest in what I was learning. I am so glad that I had enough intelligence and good schooling/teachers/friends to get me through.

I could have reached so much more potential with proper parental love and backing and the mask of denial is slipping away. I really do have a lot to grieve about, I accept that now and feel the pain.

My mother was left, abandoned and neglected in awful psychiatric wards and institutions whilst I was used as a front to cover their outrageous indecencies. My grandfather's wife would visit her, and her hair would be lank and greasy, her nails dirty and uncut. Where was her mother? She had ran 200 miles away with me to sweep it all under a very putrid and festering carpet.

They moved about the time of when my memories of possible sexual molestation happened. It does make me wonder it really does. I remember calling my adoptive father a pervert, my memory being it was a joke or a word I had picked up somewhwere. He would laugh it off at first and then turn on me with anger 'don't say that people might believe you'. They were overly prudish about sex and yet innapropiate as well.

It has all hit me like a ton of bricks and I am so glad to have you guys here. Exotic good to hear from you and I have missed your posts.

Ironically I have an appointment with a psychiatrist tomorrow because of my little breakdown a few weeks back. I have been fine since just taking day by day and processing the truth - my truth to be exact. I am beginning to let go of the need for external validation. I don't need a psychiatrist/drugs. I just need to work this through and feel everything, process it and move on. I need them out of my life or at least at a long arms length with many boundaries in place to protect myself (I doubt I will ever see him again).

I will go though because my community mental health team has links to group therapy work looking at assertiveness and self esteem. I would like to try this alongside my usual one-to-one therapy

queen You will feel 'sick as a dog' you will feel 'like the sky is about to fall in' but under the circumstances this is normal. When I stood up to my mum, I wanted to crawl under the duvet and curl up into feotal position. I am forty years of age
But, this is also precisely what makes you so very brave.
Confronting all these shitty feelings which surface the minute you stand up against the abuse. After all, you've been trained from a very young age to feel overwhelming fear for going against any of these people, that's how is works. It has to work this way so as to keep themselves safe and keep you/the abused in a position of weakness.
Be kind to yourself (and that's an order ) Journal your emotions, run a warm bath, get some rest....breath deeply.
It will all be fine, you've just got a few tough weeks ahead. You will come out the other side stronger.
Remember they cant hurt you anymore, not really.