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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

classic case of too much too soon - should I walk?

93 replies

nomoreeggs · 09/01/2010 13:23

I've been dating a guy for just over 3 months. From day 1 after our first date, which I really enjoyed, it was a text saying "I'm so into you". Followed shortly after by a present of a satnav, a rabbit (not a live one) a trip to Vegas, loads of meals, hotels and beautiful flowery text after flowery text about how he'd never felt this way before etc etc. He was even wanting to book holidays 6 months hence.

I got diamonds for Christmas and we're going on an all expenses paid trip to Dubai next week. Only I found out yesterday, that he'd booked me on the trip after a few telephone conversations and BEFORE HE EVEN MET ME (he was going on his own originally).
I do love his company and he seems kind and genuine but he's recently separated and has very complex childcare arrangements and is not on great terms with his nearly ex. And the other night I became very tired and emotional on him because I'd had a difficult day and wouldn't let him go to sleep as I was upset and wanting to talk. Selfish of me I guess but not a hangable offence. Anyway he totally rebuffed me and the next morning things were very frosty indeed.

And now, because of this, he's told me "he didn't know the person I was the other night" and is scared and doesn't know what to do other than run away. He's gone off radar and won't respond to texts/calls so I've given up. Obviously I'm not going away with him next week. Does this sound like a typical man getting in too deep too quick and then doing an about-turn because he can't handle a real relationship with the ups and downs? Seems like it to me - I was emotional but that's a part of me and he told me he loved me unconditionally. I should leave him be, right? Not try and explain to him how I think relationships should work and that it's all been going too fast for us and we could try slowing down? It all takes up so much energy and I haven't got any to spare....ps he's 50 and I'm 52, we both have kids at home.

OP posts:

SqueezyIsStartinAResolution · 09/01/2010 13:29

Slooooooowwwwwww down. 3 months is a short time. Sounds as if it has moved FAR too quickly from day one.

If I'm being honest, diamonds and stuff, yes it's a lot but if he can afford grand gestures, then some people are just like that, although yes, it is a bit much. I find it more weird that you kept him up all night because you felt emotional.....why was that, what was wrong?

Original poster

nomoreeggs · 09/01/2010 13:36

It wasn't really to do with him, I'd been reminded of something horrid which happened during my divorce and I was tired and upset and just wanted him to hold me. He's always VERY affectionate and when he just rolled over and went to sleep it made it worse. I know I should have left it.

What concerns me though is how he's run away because of this one sole incident between us - the rest of the time it's been glorious. I tried to explain what triggered it and it was a one-off but if he can't deal with this, how's that unconditional love? How can I rely on him if things get tough in the future?

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 09/01/2010 13:36

oh dear, take this as a big red flag

let him be, do not contact him and when he caves and contacts you (which he will) just calmly tell him you don't think this is going to work and call it a day

he sounds like he could well develop nicely into a controlling twat

give him his diamonds back

and ask your self why you felt it appropriate to have a mini breakdown ("tired and emotional"...wtf is that ? What on earth was so important to talk about all night after only 3 months together ?)

honestly, you are not a good combination so let it die a death

thesteelfairy · 09/01/2010 13:39

AnyFucker, I love your insightful, no nonsense relationship advice.

Agree wholeheartedly with AF, OP and in fact nearly all of her posts ever, even though they do sometimes make for uncomfortable reading.

BitOfFun · 09/01/2010 13:44

Erm, let me highlight this bit for you:

"...is not on great terms with his nearly ex"

You are the other woman, love. And mistresses get diamonds, holidays and the chance to bend over regularly- NOT emotional weeping conversations in the middle of the night. Sounds like you have just misunderstood the contract to me.

thesteelfairy · 09/01/2010 13:46

Oh and nomoreeggs, if you feel that your "mini breakdown" was out of character for yourself then consider that idea that you might you be reacting to HIS intensity. Don't want to put the blame on the bloke every single time but I found myself acting greatly out of character when with my selfish, EA and unbelievably controlling exh. This could just be the beginning of that kind of thing.

FabIsGoingToBeFabIn2010 · 09/01/2010 13:50

What AF said.

Delete his contact details. It is over.

Take it slower next time.

Original poster

nomoreeggs · 09/01/2010 13:53

No BoF, I meant STB ex - the divorce is going through and I've met all his kids, mum etc and briefly met the ex-missus, no grey area there. AF, thanks, I know I should have had more restraint - I suppose I wanted his reassurance and I have issues around that which I've been trying to deal with all my life. The more he ignored me, the more emotional I became, although I wasn't agressive in the least.

And I thought, since this was a loving relationship and he "loves me unconditionally" and "wants to be there for me through thick and thin" I could try and explain my triggers and how I wanted him to know so he understood me better. I was feeling very down that day because it was the anniversary of something horrible which happened around my divorce - I couldn't explain it to him properly and it all came out wrong. I know I wasn't very grown-up but I'm perplexed that this one thing would make a man who was so much in love run away. But I am also a bit freaked about him being so very full-on from the start - the two things together ring alarm bells for me.

OP posts:

Original poster

nomoreeggs · 09/01/2010 13:56

Cross-posted SF - yes, his intensity and the way things are going so fast has made me feel uneasy I suppose. So when he turned his back on me in what was really quite an unkind way, something felt really wrong. Where was the man I knew? That's how if felt.
But of course, how can you know someone after 3 months.

And thanks everyone, this is really helping me - it's DD's 10th today and I need to be on form for her.

OP posts:

BitOfFun · 09/01/2010 13:57

Then he is rebounding so noisily he is bouncing off every available surface. Sorry if I sound harsh, but as you seem to be realising, this was never going to be a goer. It's a shame you've been hurt though, it's a real bummer

Pikelit · 09/01/2010 14:03

I don't think he is ready for another, serious relationship regardless of all the material stuff thrown in your direction. He clearly thinks that he can buy a sustainable relationship without needing to invest emotional capital. Alarm bells ring with me too.

But are you sure that you aren't also carrying emotional baggage that needs to be put to rest? Only no matter how supportive a new partner (and I don't think this chap is), relationships are far healthier if they don't depend on overly regular re-hashings of an unshared past.

AnyFucker · 09/01/2010 14:04

ooh thanks steelfairy < here is your tenner >

nomoreeggs, you are completely right that "full-on-start+withdrawal of affection at first sticky bit=massive alarm bells"

end it, stick to your guns and chalk it up to experience (and a lucky escape)

you sound like a nice lady who deserves some happiness

take it slower next time, don't believe the hype

tbh, I must be pretty monotonous (and probably rather dull to some on here) because I consistently advise that too much soon mostly leads to disaster

BitOfFun · 09/01/2010 14:05

Somebody say something?

Mamazon · 09/01/2010 14:10

thought you were on a self imposed ban AF

he is in lovr with being in a relationship, not you.

jog him on and take things at your own pace.

and remember that saying - if it walks like a duck, and it quacks like a duck the chances are...its a duck!

trust your instincts

AnyFucker · 09/01/2010 14:11

yes, BOF, I know you had a "whirlwind romance" and you slept with him even before you met him and all that jazz

you, and a couple of others on here, are the exception to the rule, IMO

mankymummymoo · 09/01/2010 14:11

You can't love someone unconditionally that you only met three months ago surely?

BitOfFun · 09/01/2010 14:12

In general, you are quite right, Anyfucker

MadameOvary · 09/01/2010 14:12

Yep, let him go and count your blessings.
And think of it as a very lucky escape.

Original poster

nomoreeggs · 09/01/2010 14:14

AF, that an utterly brilliant summation of the facts! I think I'm nice but I never seem to get it right. And Pikelit, your words are very wise too - he thought he could "buy" me but he hasn't got the energy/inclination for anything that involves true emotional support. Although he bleated on about how reliable he was from day 1.

The one before this was a flake too! What's wrong with me - you'd think at my age I would have learnt! I'm collecting some nice diamonds along the way though, the last one brought me an engagement ring. Take me to a nunnery.....

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 09/01/2010 14:15

and, I know I sound like a right boring sod, that although I kinda knew DH was the one, I waited rather a long time before I placed all my emotional eggs in that particular basket

he had to prove himself first (not by buying stuff, or proclamations of "soulmate status" almost immediately) but just by consistently reliable and trustworthy behaviour

I test-drived a fair few fucking frogs before getting to that point, though

AnyFucker · 09/01/2010 14:17

I know I banned meself mamazon, bUt I just can't stay away...

I managed 24 hours!

PollyTechnique · 09/01/2010 14:25

Sounds like you've come to the end of a rather enjoyable honeymoon period.

All relationships hit the "warts'n'all" phase when you decide if you like them enough to make a go of it.

TBH, whatever the circumstances, any guy going through a divorce has a lot of emotional stuff going on, working out what his life is going to look like in the aftermath.

Can you cool off and explain that a bit of space is needed while he gets himself emotionally through to the otherside of leaving a relationship?

Original poster

nomoreeggs · 09/01/2010 15:11

Going to the pictures now to see Alvin and the Chipmunks, the Squeakuel so that should take my mind off it. Feel sad and a bit sick but thank you ladies.

OP posts:

BalloonSlayer · 09/01/2010 15:14

Actually the real alarm bells were ringing for me when I read that he gave you a dead rabbit .

It wasn't a boiled one, was it?

ItsGraceAgain · 09/01/2010 15:22

The only thing I disagree with, above, is about giving back the diamonds. Nah, let him make his own mistakes!
Enjoy being single, nomoreeggs And try to get your head around the fact there is no unconditional love between adults. That's for children. You're having sex so you must be a grown-up now!!

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