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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

classic case of too much too soon - should I walk?

93 replies

nomoreeggs · 09/01/2010 13:23

I've been dating a guy for just over 3 months. From day 1 after our first date, which I really enjoyed, it was a text saying "I'm so into you". Followed shortly after by a present of a satnav, a rabbit (not a live one) a trip to Vegas, loads of meals, hotels and beautiful flowery text after flowery text about how he'd never felt this way before etc etc. He was even wanting to book holidays 6 months hence.

I got diamonds for Christmas and we're going on an all expenses paid trip to Dubai next week. Only I found out yesterday, that he'd booked me on the trip after a few telephone conversations and BEFORE HE EVEN MET ME (he was going on his own originally).
I do love his company and he seems kind and genuine but he's recently separated and has very complex childcare arrangements and is not on great terms with his nearly ex. And the other night I became very tired and emotional on him because I'd had a difficult day and wouldn't let him go to sleep as I was upset and wanting to talk. Selfish of me I guess but not a hangable offence. Anyway he totally rebuffed me and the next morning things were very frosty indeed.

And now, because of this, he's told me "he didn't know the person I was the other night" and is scared and doesn't know what to do other than run away. He's gone off radar and won't respond to texts/calls so I've given up. Obviously I'm not going away with him next week. Does this sound like a typical man getting in too deep too quick and then doing an about-turn because he can't handle a real relationship with the ups and downs? Seems like it to me - I was emotional but that's a part of me and he told me he loved me unconditionally. I should leave him be, right? Not try and explain to him how I think relationships should work and that it's all been going too fast for us and we could try slowing down? It all takes up so much energy and I haven't got any to spare....ps he's 50 and I'm 52, we both have kids at home.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 10/01/2010 15:46

possible, purple, of course

but not likely

this is a man in his 50's I believe

if he hasn't "found his feet" and learned what is/is not inappropriate behaviour by now, I would be thinking he never will

and I certainly would not be "helping" to steer him through it, either

I would be finding somone else who does not behave like a teenage nobber

purplepeony · 10/01/2010 16:06

AF- you are rather harsh i think.

The other way to look at this is that he may not have had much experience in dating and is newly single.

The other issue is that for the over 50s thre is not a huge pool of available men so if the OP thinks this might have potential, she maybe ought to stick with it a bit longer.

Where I do agree with you is that she may not want to be his guinea pig whilst he learns how to treat women- but that's her decision.

I feel sorry for him as he sounds like a big playful puppy who hasn't learned to rein in his enthusiasm and his rather rose-coloured ideas of a relationship.

I think he's worth a bit more of non-exclusive time.

dearprudence · 10/01/2010 17:30

Lots of people meet and fall deeply in love very quickly. I totally buy into whirlwind romances, love at first sight and all that.

But sometimes these relationships fail, because there might be things that you don't yet know about one another.

It sounds to me like this man is only interested in you while you're meeting his idea of what a girlfriend should be. As soon as you fell outside that - just once - he's done a disappearing act.

Me, I'd run a mile.

Pikelit · 10/01/2010 17:39

There are times when I wish the word "love" had never been invented. It doesn't mean "never having to say sorry", or "I'll chuck love into things just often enough to keep you hanging on"!! I don't "love" lightly but when I do, I mean it.

GetOrfMoiLand · 10/01/2010 17:57

Sorry, I think the fact he was shelling out so much money so soon would have triggered loud alarm bells. It is not normal for a bloke you barely know to buy expensive things like a satnav, diamonds, trips to Vegas, 'all expense paid' hols to Dubai, as well as shelling out for meals and hotels. Presmuably he paid for the lot. I would have not accepted the expensive presents, and would feel that it smacked of being 'bought' and would feel beholden to him.

This kind of behaviour is not normal imo. The first three months should be smal but thoughftul gifts, going dutch on meals etc. Not this kind of wining and dining a la Mills & Boon.

I would give the diamonds back and run for the hills.

MadameOvary · 10/01/2010 18:28

What Getorf said. Strongly feel that all these expensive presents are a form of drama in themselves, and would in all likelihood be used against you should you not behave as he would like.
"After all I've done for you"
"Did all those gifts not prove how much I love you" etc etc.

I wouldn't want to keep anything either. This man sounds like he has no boundaries, and may try to use these expensive presents as a way of keeping in touch with you. Asking for them back for example...

Worse case scenario but worth bearing in mind.

MadameOvary · 10/01/2010 18:31

And as usual Anyfucker has it spot on.
"He sounds like he could well develop nicely into a controlling twat"

SO many of us have been there, we know the signs!

AnyFucker · 10/01/2010 19:19

ok, my 14 yo dd just has her first bf

she will not let him pay for anything for her(they went to the cinema today and she insisted on buying her own ticket)

a couple of weeks ago they went bowling, they paid half each for the games

he wanted to buy her a gift at Xmas

she hadn't known him long and couldn't really afford (or daren't ask her mum, me) to reciprocate, so she said no, I don't want anything, thanks

this bloke (and sorry, you too OP if you go along with these grandiose present-buying extravaganzas...) is showing less maturity than my dd

I probably sound smug (and you may flame me at your leisure...), but I think the contrast here says rather a lot

bloodyright · 10/01/2010 20:05

A bit smug AF but so you should be - your 14 year old sounds excellent.

I believe in whirlwind romances and falling in love in a very short time, 3 months seems about right, but UNCONDITIONAL LOVE?!?!? at his age? how very very wierd.

It all sounds like emotional blackmail and control. I would not be spending anymore time on it, but then, the whole thing would have freaked me out - the rabbit and the expensive presents, talk about pressure.

Plus, I mean, it was him who went off radar, so in a mean spirited juvenile way, I would want to out-off-radar him, if you know what I mean. Especially if I knew it was over.

He really sounds like an eejit.

GetOrfMoiLand · 10/01/2010 20:09

Your dd has got it spot on anyfucker.

I think the OP by accepting all this silliness and extravagance as now positioned herself in a certain way in this relationship - in the blokes eyes by accepting all these gifts she is somehow subservient to him, and certainly not entitled to keep him awake with her emotional demands.

Bollocks to this, I personally like a bit of equality in a relationship.

AnyFucker · 10/01/2010 21:48

I know twas smug bloodyright

I am not usually guilty of smuggery on here, but couldn't resist

btw br, I have seen some of your other posts, and you are spot-on

thanks getorf, she is also a right royal pain-in-the-arse

bloodyright · 10/01/2010 23:39

I consider that the highest praise AF

SolidGoldBloodyJanuaryUrgh · 11/01/2010 00:18

Don't walk.
RUN! He's a knobber.

hambler · 11/01/2010 00:22

OP it's your call.
You alone know the whole picture.
Don't be talked out of a relationship by a bunch of strangers on the internet if you want to give it a go.

skidoodle · 11/01/2010 06:25

He paid for you to go to Dubai before he met you?

Right there, that's your problem encapsulated in one terrifying gesture

You are incidental to this "relationship"

bin him

no big discussions, just end it

GetOrfMoiLand · 11/01/2010 07:32

"Right there, that's your problem encapsulated in one terrifying gesture" PMSL

LoveBeingAMummy · 11/01/2010 07:46

Thought i'd posted this on sat, it seems like he has got an idea of who you are before he meet you in the flesh and then when you were upset and saying things that didn't fit into this he has come out with he doesn't know who you are.

He is very full on and tbh I don't know if i could have accepted the gifts he gave you so early on. For example was the rabbit a welcome gift?

going off the radar over something so everyday really should get you worried about he would cope with something big that was upseting you.

nomoreeggs · 11/01/2010 09:39

We've decided to keep seeing eachother but I've told him it's got to slow down. We've put all our plans on hold and are going to take it one day at a time. For eg he wanted our families to go to Florida in the summer and I've told him I can't commit to it. And now I'm very wary. Any further sign of weird behaviour and I'm orf.

I do feel he has potential and is not a complete loon but am not going to put all my non-existent eggs in one basket! I am very glad this happened as I felt as if I was on a runaway train and now I've got off. Because of distance we only have every other weekend together and one night during the week and that's the way I like it. Thanks everyone.

OP posts:
SolidGoldBloodyJanuaryUrgh · 11/01/2010 10:08

Well you know him better than online strangers. But there are certain fairly classic knobber tendencies on display here - the expensive presents, the desperation to be 'in love' without a clue who you actually are. Good luck. But remember it's OK to bin someone and walk away without looking back, if that someone is being a twat.

cheerfulvicky · 11/01/2010 10:26

He sounds a bit bipolar to me - talk about mood swings and yo-yoing around!

I agree with AF (tis alright, you can pay me later as well) on this one. Also skidoodle when she says:
"He paid for you to go to Dubai before he met you?

Right there, that's your problem encapsulated in one terrifying gesture

You are incidental to this "relationship"

bin him

no big discussions, just end it "

Nuff said, surely? However it's your call. I think he sounds like a psycho to be honest, and men like that now make my blood run cold. I have met one of them. He turned out to have mental and emotional issues - I wasn't important in myself, just what I represented. I don't think he really cared what I was like. He just needed a woman to behave like a mental case towards. I'm still sort of friends with him and have watched him repeat the same cycle endlessly with different women. It really is quite something to observe - when you are safely out of it.

nomoreeggs · 11/01/2010 11:38

I think psycho's a bit harsh...I didn't mention this before because I didn't think it was relevant. Despite being successful, positive, attractive etc, he has a major physical disability. I feel perhaps that when he met me he couldn't believe his luck (not blowing own trumpet of course) and
was anxious to drive it forward.

Not excusing him in any way though, don't feel sorry for him at all and will be watching him like a hawk.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 11/01/2010 12:09

ok, nomoreeggs, as said you know him better than us

take this as a warning though, won't you

remember also, in the light of your last post, that someone who is more into you than you are into them will simply get on your tits after a while

what did he say when you said things were moving too fast ?

sparkybint · 11/01/2010 12:24

Hi AF. He said he appreciated it but that it had just felt natural to him because we'd connected so strongly. Immature I know but I think he'll be able to respect my wishes. If he doesn't, then I'll move on. I do know that relationships where they're way more into you than you are them don't work. Don't quite feel it's like that, yet....

sparkybint · 11/01/2010 12:25

and yes, I name-changed

AnyFucker · 11/01/2010 12:33

ohhhhhh, I know you < narrows eyes >

well, best of luck anyway, it seems like you have your head screwed on better about it now

and I expect you will keep the "tired and emotional" outbursts to a minimum too

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