classic case of too much too soon - should I walk?

[nomoreeggs]

I've been dating a guy for just over 3 months. From day 1 after our first date, which I really enjoyed, it was a text saying "I'm so into you". Followed shortly after by a present of a satnav, a rabbit (not a live one) a trip to Vegas, loads of meals, hotels and beautiful flowery text after flowery text about how he'd never felt this way before etc etc. He was even wanting to book holidays 6 months hence.

I got diamonds for Christmas and we're going on an all expenses paid trip to Dubai next week. Only I found out yesterday, that he'd booked me on the trip after a few telephone conversations and BEFORE HE EVEN MET ME (he was going on his own originally).
I do love his company and he seems kind and genuine but he's recently separated and has very complex childcare arrangements and is not on great terms with his nearly ex. And the other night I became very tired and emotional on him because I'd had a difficult day and wouldn't let him go to sleep as I was upset and wanting to talk. Selfish of me I guess but not a hangable offence. Anyway he totally rebuffed me and the next morning things were very frosty indeed.

And now, because of this, he's told me "he didn't know the person I was the other night" and is scared and doesn't know what to do other than run away. He's gone off radar and won't respond to texts/calls so I've given up. Obviously I'm not going away with him next week. Does this sound like a typical man getting in too deep too quick and then doing an about-turn because he can't handle a real relationship with the ups and downs? Seems like it to me - I was emotional but that's a part of me and he told me he loved me unconditionally. I should leave him be, right? Not try and explain to him how I think relationships should work and that it's all been going too fast for us and we could try slowing down? It all takes up so much energy and I haven't got any to spare....ps he's 50 and I'm 52, we both have kids at home.

hmmmm. It seems like you have found your way forward for now but I like to throw in my tuppence worth as well...

It does rather sound as though he has a fairytale ideal of how this relationship was going to pan out - and then you went and spoilt it all by being a real human being with real feelings that might actually need some emotional support, rather than just chucking money at them. If you have to keep up the "fairytale princess" behaviour, you will be exhausted and very lonely after a while.

I don't, however, agree that it is weird that you have met his family within 3m - but I am biased, perhaps, by the fact that my ex-fiancé introduced his new woman to his family 3 WEEKS after telling me the wedding was off and leaving me for her. Now see, I think 3 weeks is too soon (and bloody rude) but they are still together 14years later, so he must have known what he was about.

OP - best of luck with this but do be careful. Lots of good comments on this thread such as "in love with the idea of being in love" and "you are incidental to this relationship". I think it is worrying that when you were a bit needy he went running for this hills and when you cooled off a bit he came back. But your head seems screwed on.

I'd also say that when you are in a relationship planning trips to Dubai, Florida etc, you are so busy focussing on those events that you are not focussing on the relationship or getting to know the other person. My previous marriage ran very much like this - one big event to the next so that we did not have to face up to the death of the "relationship" for years so I think you are wise to put event like that on hold. You can be sure that he is not in love with the idea of sweeping you off your feet and making grand gestures. Also you can be sure that you appreciate him rather than feeling you owe him something in return for the holidays/diamonds etc. (btw kudos to your daughter AF, I wish I had done that a few times when I was in my teens).

Again though, despite the warnings, good luck, OP When I read your post and you mentioned Las Vegas, diamonds etc, I thought for a horrible moment that you were talking about an ex of mine. Very similar scenario and we imploded after 3 months. On the other hand, my DH was a whirlwind, engaged 3 months after meeting and married after 7 months and I could not be happier. It goes all ways and takes all sorts, I know

How nice that you've found happiness after a whirlwind Aussie, but I know I must be careful.

And next time I feel tired and emotional AF, I'll just put a sock in it (as my dear old dad would say).

next time you are feeling tired and emotional, come on MN and we will give you a good kicking

You bet! Likely to be early hours of the morning though

Something about your post has just rung a bell...was he the one who booked you into one hotel room on your first date?

Wow, there's no hiding place here! Yes lucky, but it was the second date!

< sharp intake of breath >

Sorry! Just all clicked suddenly

I think that it's all symptomatic of the same thing, he does sound like he's been constantly pushing the relationship forward at high speed from day one, but very much on his own terms, he wasn't particularly concerned with your feelings when he booked that room (IIRC) and another time you show you have feelings he backs off. At the very least he's not empathic in the slightest!

You sound like you're well on top of it though, and happy to keep reigning him in when he gets ahead of himself. Hope it all works out for you!

I remember the previous posts now that you mentioned disabled.

Do you think he is simply over-compensating for his disability?

I can see how it might be something he does- to try to woo and impress.

Have you ever told him that you like him and that all the money and diamonds in the world don't matter as long as he treats you well.

He sounds very insecure IMO.

Oh my lord, I remember your previous posts now. Blimey!! So, we all thought it was a bit presumptuous with regards to the hotel room, but you were happy to give him another chance. And now, we all think he's being very presumptuous with the Dubai/diamonds etc etc but you're prepared to give him another chance.

Where would you draw the line with him? If I was you, I would be painfully aware that I was TRYING to treat him fairly and normally in light of his physical disability, and I think that might dull my receptors to any twuntishness on his part. Because I would be so busy trying to be reasonable and considerate, I mean. A bit like when someone has a chip on their shoulder about something, and so everyone else ends up tiptoeing round the issue, trying to over compensate and ending up getting into a real mess.
Err, or that could just be me

Good luck SB, I have a feeling you'll need it with this one...

Dump and run. Undying love? Diamonds? Dubai? This is way too full-on. You are now on a pedestal but you will sooner or later be crushed underfoot.

You can't start a new relationship with the same person. This is as good as it's going to get. Think you're confused now? Get used to it. Hate trying to guess his mood? Plenty of that ahead. Guess My Mood Without Me Talking is the favourite game of this kind of man. Contemplating the possibility that you're too needy and you need to tread carefully to maintain his equilibrium? This will get really exhausting after a while.

He was really happy to have you because you have no boundaries, nomoreeggs/sparkybint or whoever you are. It's nothing to do with his disability (the disability you can see is not the real disability here).

ah - i remember the hotel incident VERY well. how did that go in the end?

so he's still taking liberties?

sounds to me like he's trying to buy you. and also has put you on a pedestal.

my instincts on this say end it. but it's your instincts that count.

I don't mind fast moving relationships, but don't like feeling I'm being bought and am wary of blokes showering me with gifts etc (although few have tried, probably because I have a prefer introverted Scots).
I can understand his point of view re the just wanting to go to sleep though. When I'm tired I just want to go to sleep, last thing I want is an emotional conversation when my brain's not working properly. Had you had too much to drink or something? Sounds like the sort of thing drunks do.
If bloke starts going on about something late at night I just say I'm tired and can we talk about it tomorrow.
If he then got tearful and stroppy I'd think he was a right selfish drama queen.
Save important converstaions for when you are both awake and in the right frame of mind.

Hi 2Rebecca, point taken but it was his reaction tne next day that confused me.
But all this had made me very unsure of him
and wondering if we're compatible.

True, he seems to have been melodramatic in his reaction. If it had been me I'd just have said that I can't cope with emptional conversations late at night when I'm tired and that if this is something you like doing then we need to discuss it because it will cause problems in our relationship unless we find a way of dealing with it.
The only people I love unconditionally are my kids, I suspect even if their actions made me dislike them I'd always love them. My love for no man is unconditional, he was talking rubbish when he said his love for you was.
I don't think adults should love each other unconditionally, we should behave caringly to each other in a way to deserve love.

It's all melodramatic, not just his reaction the next day. What's more dramatic than a declaration of unconditional love? Lavish gifts of diamonds? A trip to Dubai? It's all drama, as is the suddenness, the speed... Someone so into drama (and the complicated visitation with the children and the relationship with the stbxW also fall into this category) is rarely that into you as you -- you're probably playing some role he has assigned to you without telling you.