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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Please talk to me

53 replies

SparrowFflamau · 08/01/2010 21:42

DH has just admitted that he isn't happy, hasn't been for a long time and doesn't know if he wants to stay with me

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MerlinsBeard · 08/01/2010 21:47

DId he say why he is unhappy? as in what way?

Original poster

SparrowFflamau · 08/01/2010 21:50

We have been having issues with me being jealous of his friend. After a long night I said that I needed him to fit me in too, that she obv made him happy, and should he just leave.

He said it isn't her (which I believe), he hasn't been happy for a long time "since getting depressed". Can't seem to give a reason why. I asked if it was depression causing unhappy or the other way round, he doesn't know. He says he will try pills, but in a way that said "but I don't think it will make a difference".

He is the only man I have ever loved.

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Pancakeflipper · 08/01/2010 21:52

Is it a shock to you? Have you been feeling concerned or is it a bolt out of the blue.

Can you get him to talk to you? I know it's impossible but don't panic and beg him, change everything to suit him. It's about 2 people .... But he needs to open up to you.

MerlinsBeard · 08/01/2010 21:53

How do you know he said it as "they won't make a difference"?

What do YOU want?

Am really shit at relationship advice Shoulders a candles i can do (candles have been lit since b4 xmas and i didn't know why)

Original poster

SparrowFflamau · 08/01/2010 21:54

Things haven't been right for a while, but I have had 9 months of pregnancy and antenatal depression, so have been in a bit of a fuzz myself.

He said that, and then went silent again and isn't saying any more.

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Original poster

SparrowFflamau · 08/01/2010 21:54

It was just the look on his face tbh

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Original poster

SparrowFflamau · 08/01/2010 21:55

I want him to be happy.

But I want him to be happy with me.

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MerlinsBeard · 08/01/2010 21:57

WHen you are in the depression fog, you can't see very far

shonaspurtle · 08/01/2010 21:58

Dh did this to me a few years ago now (8 years come to think of it). We split up for a short while because of it.

It was all down to depression/circumstances and after that was dealt with we got back together. The break actually let dh see how he felt about us and how important that was - was pre marriage/ds though so was much less impact.

I don't think he can really see clearly or feel clearly what he wants if he's depressed. Hopefully treating that will lift the fog and he'll see what he'd be losing.

Original poster

SparrowFflamau · 08/01/2010 21:59

what if he isn't depressed and he just doesn't love me any more?

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Pancakeflipper · 08/01/2010 22:00

Sometimes a statement like that can be a kickstart to improving a relationship. Sounds like it's been a tough time for you both of late and your relationship has suffered. BUT that doesn't mean to quit - it's a starting point to stop it drifting and work on it. Relationships need investing in.

Try to chat to him - if not tonight arrange a time to sit and talk.

Original poster

SparrowFflamau · 08/01/2010 22:00

i'm frightened

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shonaspurtle · 08/01/2010 22:03

It is frightening. It's like having the world pulled out from under you.

It can be a positive thing to come out and say "I'm not happy". Better things can come of it.

I'm sorry that you're going through this though .

MerlinsBeard · 08/01/2010 22:04

YOu have both been thru a lot recently. Not sure whether i can say on here so won't. Add to that AD (which i don't think has gone away x) and a 3rd child. The whole dynamic of your family has changed.

Can you do this in tiny steps together? First one being to go get him some AD's?

ABitOfPizzazz · 08/01/2010 22:06

Is this a long-standing friend of his, Sparrow?

Sorry you're having trouble

Original poster

SparrowFflamau · 08/01/2010 22:08

No, she is new. I do believe that there is nothing going on, but I also think she has made him realise that he can be happy.

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Boys2mam · 08/01/2010 22:08

The only way to know if this is the case sparrow is by talking talking talking with him.

My DS was 4 wks old when my H made this announcement and at the time it seemed like an attention seeking statement.

He is still with his "attention seeking statement" and they are due to marry in August.

I'm sorry of that is ridiculously alarmist but its my experience

Fluffydreamer · 08/01/2010 22:11

Sorry to hear you are having an awful time, hopefully things will work out how you want and you will work through it. But if not scary as it seems you will be ok .

MerlinsBeard · 08/01/2010 22:14

What made you jealous of her? (innocent question, please don't jump on me)

jellybean86 · 08/01/2010 23:10

Sparrow this could be me writing this post aswell. Im 33 weeks and my LO's dad did this to me 3 weeks ago. Its so hard especially now he has come running back saying sorry etc etc but he doesnt seem to be making much effort.
Im very jealous of his ex shag he is still 'friends' with, and he doesnt understand i the slightest. He doesnt understand the reasons why i dont like it that their 'friend's

I really feel for you. PM me if you nice a chat with someone who is going through the same
xx

tiredoftherain · 08/01/2010 23:22

Same here, a year on we're getting divorced. Confront it head on, get Relate sorted asap. Be very very wary of his "friend". It is such a common way of starting an affair, particularly where depression is involved, someone comes along and makes them feel "alive" again. The next thing, they've crossed a line from friendship into something more.

You need to either involve yourself in their friendship or ask him to restrict time spent with her. Sorry to sound alarmist too but it's easy to speak with the benefit of hindsight and I think a few of us have been through something similar. At the time I had 2 little ones and it felt too much to face. I totally understand how horrible it is, but please get support, please talk to him and deal with it now. Hopefully you will come through this and it will make you stronger.

mustrunmore · 09/01/2010 08:47

Flame, so sorry I didnt get your text last night ( was already curled up with a book) x x x

Original poster

SparrowFflamau · 09/01/2010 10:15

MoM - I have never been able to trust with any females, so it wasn't specific alarms, just me iyswim.

We talked more last night. He doesn't know if he still loves me. He did when we got married (2005), he wasn't sure when I got pregnant with DD2 (2009), but when exactly in that 4 year gap it happened I don't know, I couldn't bring myself to ask any more.

I don't know what is happening. He doesn't know what is happening. He didn't seem aware there was a difference between depression and just being unhappy, so we don't know if he is depressed.

I feel a lot of it is down to years of me being hell. (Not in a he is blaming me way). I used to be me. I lost me a long time ago and became a mum blob. I don't know me or like me and I haven't for a very long time. If I feel like that, he must too.

That isn't a reason to quit I know, we all change. I have changed beyond all recognition of the woman I was.

I'm so tired and numb.

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NomDePlume · 09/01/2010 10:35

oh flame , sounds like it's all going a bit pear shaped with you at the min. It sounds like you both have a lot of emotional issues at the mo and when you are both suffering from depression, perhaps making such big decisions is not the best thing.

I hope you can both get some help and find your way through this.

Original poster

SparrowFflamau · 09/01/2010 11:21

Well this is going to help with weight loss. Not holding down food...

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