Please talk to me

[SparrowFflamau]

DH has just admitted that he isn't happy, hasn't been for a long time and doesn't know if he wants to stay with me

I've been with him since I was 18. He is the only man I have ever loved. Being a single parent doesn't scare me - I have seen my mum do it. Not waking up next to him for the rest of my life does scare me.

I'm sorry, I know I'm rambling, that we aren't at that stage yet. I just need to pour it out.

We can't talk with the children around (and tbh I'm not too sure what new there is to say yet), so I guess this evening will be a long one again. Going to see my friend this afternoon. No idea if I will tell her.

I don't know your story my love, but it appears that others on this thread do, so I'm going to come at this just from what you've said here.

Are you aware that a lot of people engaging in an affair (or about to) re-write history? Pretend (as part of the justification needed) that "things haven't been right for a while..."
In fairness, my DH didn't do this - but he did spend the 10 months of friendship with OW to distance himself and "create" a problem.

Others spend that time convincing themselves that in truth, they fell out of love with their partners a long time ago, that they can't really be happy if they are engaging in an inappropriate friendship etc. etc.

As Tired said, so many people follow this script, convincing themselves that their marriage is worth doing this to. I think the biggest clue is the presence of the "friend" and the message I want to give to you is that if this friend is not a friend of your marriage, they should not be a friend to him at all. This is what you should be telling him. You'll no doubt get the "I can be friends with whoever I want" line, but if you do, point out there are consequences to that.

Don't be passive while this is going on. Make it your business to find out more about this woman. My instincts are screaming out at me that he is not being honest with either you - or even himself. He might think his feelings changed for you first and he then met this friend. The truth, I suspect is that it was the other way round. He met this friend and then his feelings changed for you.

Most of all, if what he's telling you doesn't sound right, trust your instincts and don't let him re-write history.

I have met her a lot, she has been round etc, she has been talking about her problems with her boyfriend.

Things haven't been right for a long time, I felt that too, but when I tried asking what was wrong he would just say "nothing" and that would be it. I know from my side of things that that part of the tale is right.

I have no idea if she has any interest in him, but I do think that he has met someone who doesn't treat him like crap, and I think we have left it too late to save us.

Do you think it's possible that your H has been touched by her problems and sees himself as a "rescuer" to a "damsel in distress"?

Do you have any instincts about what she might feel for your DH - really? And what he might feel for her?

If you know her, how would you feel about talking to her?

She is fairly new to the area, so hasn't got many friends round here. He has always gotten on better with women, and yes, generally tries to "help".

Over the past few years his group of friends have drifted away (we kept spawning children whilst they were free and single), and it has been the two of us - me with depression and self loathing. He has gradually gotten more and more withdrawn. He hates his job too, so both home and work suck.

I think genuine depression could be in play here, but at the same time, I don't know that he wants to save us.

I guess we have 9 months to work it out (need to move house then).

Also meant to say, try to pinpoint when things started "not feeling right" and cross-match this with when the friend came on the scene.

What she feels for DH - I think just a friend. She is a laddy type girl from what I can tell (facebook stalking etc ), and I don't think she sees that there would be a problem with the friendship.

What he sees in her? She is carefree and happy. She is me when we met.

I don't think I can talk to her - it will end up looking like a whole "back off my man" situation and we have been there and done that when we first met , I have never forgiven myself.

That is the other issue. I don't trust anyone. I have spent our whole relationship convinced he will leave me/want someone else. I spend my time convinced my friends are only tolerating me as they don't have the heart to tell me to sod off. He sees it as me not trusting him rather than me not trusting in general. How do you live 10 years with that without building up resentment?

The friend has only been since about Sept. Things weren't right before deciding on DD2. I remember us talking about when to try for another one, and whether or not we should have another iyswim.

Okay, there are loads of other issues in play here. You are right - it would make a person very resentful if they had to live without trust. It's also very difficult living with someone who self-loathes and is depressed themselves. It puzzles me therefore - if you've both been acutely aware that you were having problems - why when you asked what was wrong, he said "nothing".

It could be that this woman is just a friend, but what I will tell you is that when someone feels "stuck" in a horrible job - and home is no relief either - they are much more vulnerable to the attentions of someone else. If he also relates well to women and is a sucker for damsels in distress, the combination can be deadly. His internal dialogue might be "I can't help Sparrow, I can't affect my job, but new female friend needs me (I like to be needed) and what's more, respects me (that's nice) and I can help her. That feels nice too!" Does any of this resonate?

yup, pretty much everything i'm thinking tbh.

I would say a mix of fear, and that he has rarely opened up about feelings. He said that night that he didn't know what was wrong, just that something was - hence "nothing"

Sparrow, sorry if I'm asking you to repeat stuff from another thread. What are you doing about your depression?

I'm going to the Dr on Monday. I normally get a grace period of 12 months after having a baby where I am ok. Not this time though I can still breastfeed on certain ads can't I?

Yes, you can. Talk to the doctor. See if you can get some practical counselling, too, or do some online.

You've been depressed before, so both you and DH must be aware of what strategies work for you. I feel very much for the shock/horror/terror you experience when your spouse says they're thinking of quitting. But I'm going to ask you try and switch your point of view for a bit.

You know how horrid it is to live with a depressed partner - and, yes, the partner has a duty to bear with it & try to help. He's been doing that for a long time, plus his own life isn't exactly a bundle of laughs atm. I feel sorry for both of you!

Can you try looking at this as a cry for help? That is, address his sadness & frustration. Tell him you know how hard it is for him, and you love everything he does to try & help you along. Tell him you're going to STOP being depressed coz you want to get back the couple you were before, only better.
See if you can get him to go to the doc with you!

While I don't know what you're doing to combat the PND, the standard things like joining a dance class, going running (indoors in this weather, heh) do help. Doing girly stuff helps, too. Yes, you have a small baby & DCs, but you REALLY need to start treating yourself like the precious creature you are.

This will reinforce your own health & personality, and be beneficial whatever happens in your marriage.

Sorry, I would have liked to make this longer but hopefully others will step in

Don't know the answer to that one but your GP will know. Get your health sorted first of all, you need to be thinking as clearly as you can to deal with all of this. Difficult to say whether your H is also depressed or just down because of the circumstances. It doesn't sound as though you've had it easy, but he needs to know he'll be heading down a very difficult path if he lets your marriage go.

What you're saying sounds so achingly familiar. I do still think you have time to act though, my H was too far involved with an OW for it to be retrievable (although for many other reasons, that was for the best anyway!) By the point I found out about OW, H had convinced himself that we should have never got married in the first place as we were all wrong for each other. It was as if more than 8 years of generally happy times had been completely overwritten in the space of a year.

It is a very familiar script, listen to whenwillI, she gives great advice on this. I highly recommend a book called "Not just Friends" - will look up who it's by, which goes into great detail about how to protect your marriage against affairs. Get yourself a copy if you can, it's brilliant.

yes, thre are definitely ADs you can take when BF

the thing is, both of you seemm to have long term problems with depression, yours might be pregnancy related , but you've spent a lot of the last few years pregnant

you cannot make each other happy ,that has to come from inside, if you are both stuck in a cycle fo self loathing and depression, then you cannot find the tools to fix a marraige.

you hae to fix yourselves, and perhaps the marraige will be fixed too

you need to make time to talk

even if you don't want to hear the answers IFYSWIM

Here's a bit of sensible stuff about breastfeeding on ADs (might be helpful when you see Dr)
pharmacology.suite101.com/article.cfm/breastfeeding_and_antidepressants

You posts are very witty, Sparrow. How long since you & DH watched a DVD that made you both fall around laffing?

Flame, so sorry to hear about this, so sad for you.

Having kids, changing role, being pregnant, bfing, looking physically different to ourselves and others etc can all take a huge toll on the very strongest of relationships and it is easy to lose yourselves and one another along the way. I think what Lulumama said about needing to fix yourselves first is very wise.

Being January (new Years resolutions and all that) I have been thinking recently that I must make the effort to do some things for myself this year before I become immersed in being a mother, wife and person at work and forget who I am! I think it is an inevitability of having a family to some degree.

Have you thought about going to Relate or similar (not easy with a young baby I know)? DH and I went (pre kids) and it took a while but we found that we understood ourselves and one another much better than we had previously. That was in 2004/5 and I still think back to the things it taught me to help manage myself and my relationship all the time.

Will be thinking of you.

Thank you for all your replies. I have been thinking a lot this afternoon (went and cried on a mate). We're sitting down to talk tonight (he doesn't know this yet). As I see it, we have about 6 months to work out what the f*ck we're doing. In that time I need to get fixed (going to GP on Monday for meds - they are happy to give them to me as they know I know myself iyswim). I am going to see if he will go too, but obv I cannot force drugs on him.

In this 6 months we need to connect again - yes, laugh at dvds. He needs to start talking to me, telling me when things are wrong etc - I can spot when I have been a bitch after the event, but not during , if he said Stop, you're being a cow, then it would help. I also need him to tell me honestly how he feels about the friend, which I think with how talking last night went, he will - tbh I think that he does feel something for her, but I don't know about the rest of you - I have had various crushes throughout the marriage, he has never noticed another woman - if this is a crush rather than falling madly in love we can work through it. I may well regret poking that hornet's nest, but I will not rest not knowing.

I feel slightly more positive. He seems happier since I have gotten home and is actually chatting (this morning was awkward silence... I think sex was a bad move (last night, post talking and tears... tmi I know!).

Right, off to collect DD1. Thank you so much for everything you are saying. This post was pretty much a brain dump rather than a reply, but I have taken in everything you have said.

Bloody hell Flame, I so hope things work out. I think you are right to fight for it, and to ask him to do the same.

On the ADs while BFing, yes you can. I'm BFing DS and have been on Sertraline since last May. It is the only one and expensive, but it is what you need.

One good thing to come out of all this - I know just how much I love him.

Oh bugger flame. You don't want to take relationship advice from me when my own relationship is so shit, but you can have a cuddle in my ample norks instead. (.)(.)

lol @ the norks. Yours are particularly snugglesome.

We had a brief Talk. (Not a lot to say really - we did all the important stuff last night).

Yes, we are trying hard for the next 6 months. He says it goes in phases where we seem right, then seem broken again (most likely they coincide with my sanity ). Prob if I had made the same announcement 6 months ago it would have turned out differently.

Anyway. I am getting meds. I don't honestly think he needs them. We are making more of an effort to be together. He is going to tell me when I am being a bitch (he looked and asked how I would react to that mid-flow ), so I need to learn to be nice. We can see it being a hard week.

The friend. Oddly enough, me being insane untrusting jealous woman. I believe him 100%. He says that there is absolutely no attraction there. Ok, I may be gullible, but considering my stomach has been in knots about this woman for weeks, that part of the conversation made it completely settle.

So, I guess it is just taking each day at a time.

How long before this horrible awkwardness fades though?

Glad you've made a start Flame.

Can't answer the question about the awkwardness except to say that it will.

I don't know if you will find this useful but one 'tool' our counsellor gave us was to give each other time to say what they needed to say, uninterrupted. So, once a week I got to talk for a minute about how I was feeling and DH just listened without comment and then he got to do the same. That was it. Just a chance to say what you think and feel without having someone else's opinion inflicted on it.

The talking thing sounds good.

I woke up this morning and had forgotten. Then it hit me.