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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

should I tell dh.... or not?

22 replies

shouldItell · 01/07/2005 17:23

ok heres the thing
been with dh 6 yrs married for 5.
have 2 gorgeous dds

b4 dh i had a very brief but intense thing completely mad but fab. we had a real connection and recently have been in touch (last couple of months) with ex fling thru text. neither my dh or his dp know. I must stress that it is completely innocent and i am totally commited to dh and couldnt contemplate life without him. we are 110% in love. the same goes for him and his dp. dont really know why we never told dp and dh, just never got round to it i guess. his dp knows about his relationship with me b4 they were together, my dh doesnt.

anyway today he inadvertantly sent a text to his dp instead of me! understandably she is a bit cross and at the last count was on her way home to pick her belongings up! ouch!

so the question is.... do i tell my dh about all this?

OP posts:

Yorkiegirl · 01/07/2005 17:25

Message withdrawn

starlover · 01/07/2005 17:25

well... if it completely innocent then why haven't you told him already?

I personally would tell my DH. If he finds out at some point in the future he may (understandably) be suspicious as to why you didn't tell him, as well as hurt that this was going on behind his back

paolosgirl · 01/07/2005 17:27

Having been in something similar (and I'll say no more), do not tell your dh at the moment. If it's all innocent, it will blow over (or it may not - they may have other issues, and for her this could maybe be the excuse she was looking for IYKWIM) - and if you go telling your DH, it just makes more problems for you when there aren't any.
You may want to think VERY seriously about where you go from here though....

Satine · 01/07/2005 17:29

Oooh, that's such a tricky one. Firstly if your contact was so innocent then why didn't you tell your respective partners? Please don't think I'm judging, blimey not in the least but I think it might be relevant to what you do next. I think you should tell your dh because if dp takes it into her head to tell him (and she sounds angry enough to do it) it will be far worse and your dh will think that there must be something more going on because you didn't tell him yourself. But the fact that you have only told him becasue you've had to might make him suspicious. No easy answer, sadly.

emmatmg · 01/07/2005 17:30

I agree with starlover, if it's so innocent adn you are committed to your Dh why is it still a secret and but more importantly why start it in the first place?

Sorry to be blunt but it will all end in tears.

fairyfly · 01/07/2005 17:32

What was the text to make her want to leave????

nutcracker · 01/07/2005 17:42

I agree that it would be better to tell him but in your situation I probably wouldn't tell him either.

I have been emailing an old flame from school. Nothing has or will happen and so I don't see the point of telling dp, because no matter how much i were to stress that there was nothing in it, he would still think there was.

ggglimpopo · 01/07/2005 17:44

Message withdrawn

starlover · 01/07/2005 17:45

however tempting it is to keep it secret (and yes, i would probably lean towards that as well)... you can't guarantee that he won't find out.

And if he does, and it's been going on for ages he is really, really going to wonder why you didn't say anything.

If my DP did this and I found out I would think something was going on.

kama · 01/07/2005 17:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

shouldItell · 01/07/2005 17:48

i promise it is innocent, we live about 200 miles apart, like i said dont know why i didnt tell dh, his dp was lft by her dh for another woman, (i only found that out today)

the text was something along the lines of 'maybe i should leave you alone so you can get things sorted out'
i was moaning that he always texts in the most awkward moments, i.e when feeding dd at the checkout at asda etc!

there is no way she can contact dh as he doesnt even know my home no or exactly where i live any more, the same is true for me.

i feel like if i tell dh and nothing comes of it then i might have caused trouble for nothing, if i dont tell him and something comes of it then he'll have a right to be upset, suspicious etc.

OP posts:

mrspink27 · 01/07/2005 17:49

i think you should wait and see

starlover · 01/07/2005 17:49

well, it's up to you.
why don't you just say something like

"i had a text from xxx" the other night"

and see what he says...

starlover · 01/07/2005 17:51

fwiw, i believe you that it's innocent... i think everyone here does...

BUT just see try and see it from your DH's point of view. If he found out further down the line, be it from you, your ex or your ex's partner...

you can't guarantee that he will not find out. So surely the best thing to do is tell him?

cupcakes · 01/07/2005 18:29

I think if you do decide to tell him you should do so as casually as possible, like starlover suggests. Any earnest 'confession'/ 'serious chat' from you would probably make him suspect that you regard it as a more serious thing than it is.

hellomama · 01/07/2005 18:47

I recently had a similar dilemma - my ex-boyf contacted me via email. We had had a very passionate relationship when we were together and he was the only other man i have ever loved apart from DH. we ended on very bad terms and i hadn't heard from him until the recent email. It stirred up a lot of different emotions - should I email back? Should I tell DH? In the end I did email back, but I also told DH all about it and offered to show him any emails that passed between ex-bf and I. Luckily DH and I are very secure in our relationship and he wasn't bothered about it. But I'm glad I told him because it would have felt sinister otherwise and I'm sure I would have felt guilty about it.

At the end of the day, if your relationship and the ensuing contact with this man really is genuinely innocent, and you have a good relationship with your DH, then you shouldn't have any reason NOT to tell him.

Original poster

shouldItell · 03/07/2005 12:11

having a nightmare weekend.

have had no news from ex b-f. we generally dont text over the w/e anyway.

just hoping everything is ok with him.

the suspense is torture!

have decided to say nothing to dh and if all this blows over will casually mention texts in a week or so.

OP posts:

madmarchhare · 03/07/2005 12:16

Dont tell him. Whats the point of possibly upsetting him when its totally innocent. If Xs DP cannot contact you to strire things up then leave well alone. If you say you love DH, DDs etc then do not text X anymore.

morningpaper · 03/07/2005 12:24

If he's been sending you texts, how come your DH doesn't know? Or do you only text when your DH isn't around?

beetroot · 03/07/2005 12:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

jabberwocky · 03/07/2005 13:04

Personally, I would just drop the whole thing and not tell dh. If you are sure there is no way ex or his dp can contact him and you are not doing it anymore he shouldn't find out and you can leave well enough alone.

WideWebWitch · 03/07/2005 13:12

Yes, tell him. If there's nothing going on though you shuld have done in the first place. But telling him now is better than not at all imo.

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