This wasn't a normal reaction, was it?

[WastedYouth]

On monday, DH had a laptop delivered. He was on it from 2pm until 8pm "setting it up" he completely and utterly ignored me this entire time. Wouldn't even answer me if I spoke to him.

I let it go.

Tuesday however was another day off. Now, he always tells me that he doesn't want me "going out" on his days off as that should be our time together ... but on Tuesday he arranged to go and see his dad (armed with the laptop)

I let it go.

He gets back in around lunch time. Outside, the trees and ground were covered in snow and it looked beautiful. I'm a keen photographer so obviously wanted to go out somewhere nice ... I asked DH where he wanted to spend the afternoon ...

His excuses for not going out included:

"It's too icey"
"it's too cold"
"We don't have enough time"
"We're running low on petrol"

He then engrosses himself in making a cake. Ignoring me completely everytime I try and strike up conversation.

He then announced:

"oh, just remembered, can't go out anyway, I'm having some laptop accessories delivered"

So, feeling a bit fed up, bored and lonely I text my friend to see if I could pop around for an hour ... I then went upstairs to get ready.

DH followed me and asked what I was doing. I said "Just popping out for an hour"

Then, this happened:

him: "What?? where too???"
me: "Friends house"
him: "what friend??"
me: "Mel"
him: "Why?"
me: "because I'm bored and I want some company!"
him: "oh! that's nice, you going out on my day off, thanks very much"
me: "You've been out!! and it's not as if you're talking to me or even acknowledging that I exist at the moment!"
him: "I've been busy!"
me: "Playing on a laptop?"
him: "well, I've finished with that now ... I'll talk to you now, I have nothing else to do"
me: "oh!! thanks!! lovely"
him: "I didn't mean it like that, don't twist my words"
me: "look, I'll only be an hour or so"
him: "but I thought you wanted US to go out?"
me: "I did! but you said we can't!"
him: "I'll get the parcel delivered next door ... come on, where shall we go?"
me: "no, I've already arranged something now"
him: "oh! so you're telling me you've arranged this in the past 5 minutes?? yeah right! there is something not quite right here, you never wanted to go out with me originally did you?? you had this planned all along!"
me: "It's no bloody conspiracy!! I just want to go out for an hour!"
him: "So come out with me"

Anyway ... this went on and on, he then offered to "drop me off and pick me up" from Mels ... obviously not believing that I was actually going there and he then blurted out "OH, And I won't be happy if you come back stinking of smoke either!!"

I know the answer to this already I suppose, but this isn't a normal reaction to a wife popping to a friend's for an hour is it??

It came as a huge surprise to a lot of people as I appear to the outside world to be a very strong person and hardly anyone could believe I would allow myself to be treated like that.

I wish I'd known about MN when the marriage was breaking down. Would have helped a lot I think.

where'd the OP go then?

Wouldn't be surprised to hear her lovely H has banned her from the computer because it's giving her ideas

Me too, Badinfluence. A wonderful friend put me onto Mumsnet when my marriage was clearly on its way out. I had already made the decision that it must end, but was feeling guilty still, and terribly worried that the DCs wouldn't forgive me. At about the same time my DB sent me a checklist of emotionally abusive behaviours. Between the two of these invaluable sources of information I felt like a wave of light had broken over me. Although I'd known something was badly wrong, I didn't realise it was so... so typical. It really is like there is an abusers' manual or some kind of course you can go on, How To Keep Your Partner In Their Place. Once you see it for what it truly is, it loses quite a lot of its power, thank goodness.

Oh, and the DCs have forgiven me .

jealous possesive and insecure. what a drag!

I'm here thumbwich!

I am reading the thread but have to go out so will reply on here later.

Thanks for the replies btw x

I read through this thread and have just realised that my exH was just like this. He came over to other people as really easy-going, bit of a laugh, very sociable etc.

He worked shifts and I was on my own way more often than not, so I decided to do an OU course. This, of course, caused ructions as it meant me studying on the odd weekend when he was at home. I wasn't allowed to study then, I was told that I could only study when he was on his shift.

Likewise when we were doing up the house. I had to stay in and decorate while he was on shift, but when he was off for a couple of days, he went off and played golf.

Needless to say, my marriage didn't quite make the 2 year mark!

My X is seen as a great guy by the vast majority of people, I lost a few 'friends' during my divorce because they couldn't see why I would want to leave him.

Lemonylemon, sounds like you got out at the right time, before kids muddied the water. I too had ructions when I decided to do a correspondence course (just to keep my brain ticking over when I was a SAHM). I had to do it all when he wasn't around, it 'wasn't important' enough to do when he was in the house and I was neglecting him if I did.

Yes, it's quite a thing to be told that what you want to do is "not important". I wasn't allowed to buy a car as it was a waste of money - but it was very, very rare that I could use "the" car as he used it for work.

Badinfluence it's a good thing I got out before kids - but a bad thing that I got into another relationship with someone who had the same attitude and I was just too naive to see it. Lemon Zest is the product of that relationship.

I did a Masters degree through the OU, took a lot of flack for that, although I have always worked full time and it was related to my job. I thought he would understand, since he did his MBA when the children were tiny. In fact, when DD2 was 7 months old, he finished his MBA, but he had spent so little time with her that she cried whenever he held her or tried to feed her. She is 10 now and still very clingy to me!

Ok I'm back now ...

It is very difficult to make sense of because as has already been pointed out - to everyone else they seem lovely!

My mum will often say "isn't he nice, makes the dinner, takes you out, picks you up, does all the shopping ... "

and I'm thinking "yeah, because I'm not ALLOWED to do anything by myself! its not that I don't want too"

---

Yesterday he came home in a bit of a mood. He'd driven in the snow/ice ... got home and the bins were blocking the drive-way so he had to get out to move them ... had a go at me for not cleaning the rabbits out ... started making dinner whilst complaining loudly that he had so much to do when he got in from work because everything was left to him (bare in mind he'd told me before he went to work that I was not to make dinner as he wanted to do it). He then went back out in the snow for a prescription, they didn't have it in stock so by time we got to bed, he was in a stinking mood! He demonstrated this by refusing to put his arm around me as he was "Tired" (he's done this for the past 3 nights, I've no idea why). So I said "fair enough" and started to go to sleep. But no ... because I had said it was time to sleep, that changed everything. He started asking me to give him a 'hand job' as we can't have intercourse at the moment. I refused and said I was tired. He persisted, even forcing my arm down there at one point! I said "I thought you were tired??" and he replied "I was, but I'm not now ... why are you in a mood?"

I wasn't in a mood!! he'd been in a mood since he got home from work! he then got all narky with me because I wouldn't do it.

Anyway, regarding the take-away thing, he does that too. If I fancy Chinese, he'll fancy Indian. If I fancy Indian, he'll want Chinese. If I say "I don't care, I'd eat either ... " he won't want Chinese OR Indian ... he'll suddenly develop a craving for Pizza because he knows I don't like it!!

So silly! Can't be bothered with the babyishness of it. I'm just going to see how things go I think.

Wow, there are lots of people on here with similar experiences. Shame.

lemonylemon - I know what you mean about the studying. My ex always said it wasn't 'real work', not like what he did. He managed to convince people he was being very supportive and lovely, but it would always be by saying things like, 'LittleRedDragon is really worried about her university applications; it's tough to think she might not get in'. He somehow always managed to act as if I was quite dim and overreaching (but that he was being supportive of this over-ambition).

Quite a lot of people still don't understand why I left him.

Whoops, wastedyouth, cross-posted. Sorry! Glad to see you back, sorry he's still being a dick..

The cake thing was his way of communicating to you that you will be happy/ get something from him only on his terms and if he wants it that way. The hand job incident shows he has crossed a line into treating you like some sort of creature who exists only for him. His not allowing you to go out and do shopping, etc., tells you that he doesn't really see you as a separate person and has no basic respect for you or your rights.

There was a great thread on here about narcissistic personality disorder, with fantastic links posted by many contributors, among them this one, but there were a good few others.

WastedYouth

Abusers are more often than not very plausible to those in the outside world so am not really surprosed that your Mum thinks he is nice. It is only behind closed doors that their true nature emerges and their abuse is insidious in its onset. They can hide their true nature if they are controlling for a long time but in the end it always emerges.

re your comments as well:-

"So silly! Can't be bothered with the babyishness of it. I'm just going to see how things go I think"

This is far more serious than you perhaps realise, this goes far beyond you thinking of this as babyish. Do not underestimate his cruelty. Controlling behaviour is abusive behaviour. If you want to see how things go (and I don;t think you should actually hang around now any longer than absolutely necessary) you will over time see his control escalate (as it has already done). These men do not let go of their victim easily. His ex wife's comments of him were indeed telling.

You need to read "Why does he do that?" written by Lundy Bancroft.

Controlling men are often angry men as well.

They are bottomless pits of anger and insecurity and feelings of entitlement, WastedYouth. You will never be able to fill the abyss; the behaviour always escalates, as does the effect on you as your self respect slowly retreats in the face of the remorseless attacks.

Oh OP tha hand job thing is total shit - not asking personal questions but worth having a think yourself about whether he is "dominating" in physical ways usually, either during sex or day to day. As MA says, you're not a real person with rights and worth to him. So sorry.

Please think very carefully about what people here are saying, WastedYouth. That gilded cage is bad enough, but scratch the gilt and you'll find it's barbed wire underneath.

OMG I rarely say this but please get out of there. He is an abuser and will get worse.

What about his family dymanics and background, what do you know?

Do you have children?

How would he react if you laughed off his comments and demands? If you act overly cheerful and as if he's just being silly, like a toddler.

Might just confuse the hell out of him & make him unable to react.

Your mother - next time she says it, tell her that he won't allow you to do whatever it is. She may not beleive you to begin with, but keep telling her.

But, that said, I'm with the majority of other posters, he's controlling you. Start making plans (even just in your own head) to get out.

I was giving your DH the benefit of the doubt on the other thread - please ignore all my suggestions of talking to him, it's very very unlikely to work. I would start gathering information which might be of use to you if/when you do decide to leave him.

Good luck. It is hard to leave a man like this, but so so worth it. Even with the problems of explaining to people, even the hard work of looking after DS totally alone (I basically was anyway, but still, it is harder), even though I am no longer financially supported and showered with gifts and "kind acts", it's worth it to be able to do what I want and not answer to anybody - ie, live an adult life! Thinking back, I had less freedom living with him than I had when I lived with my mum as a teenager, which is totally wrong!

You are a strong person and you can leave if you want to

seabright how will he react if she just laughs it off? She will get away with it, but he will come up with a more insidious form of abuse. Again, I know from experience.

In the early days, my ex used to just have a complete paddy when he was hungry and I couldn't provide a fully cooked meal there and then (he would never have a piece of toast or an apple because he 'didn't want to spoil his appetite'). It was so ludicrous that I did keep standing up to him on this and after about a year or so, he did stopped. But started with much worse things.

In the days before I left, partly because I was beyond caring, I stood up to him a couple of times just to avoid yet another argument. I got away with it, but was very scared. it's hard to describe the constant fear you're living in. You often don't realise you're scared, let alone why.

Yeah...um

OP, you need to leave this controlling excuse of a man.

And if you don't, you won't have my sympathy. You have to choose your own life, and if you stay with him you choose to be controlled, manipulated, emotionally blackmailed and have a miserable life. Please don;t choose that option.

Wasted start telling your mum, other close family and friends, what he is really like, just in a matter of fact way. It will be much easier to leave if you don;t pretend to everyone that your marriage is perfect and this twat of a man is perfect

Please find the strength to leave. Otherwise you might as well change your name to WaastedLife, because that's what you will be.

Yes, it would be interesting to hear what your RL friends & family have to say if you ask them whether or not the various incidents you have described here are normal - perhaps getting a visible reaction from them might impact more than the words on the screen here as well.