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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I know this is shocking....

57 replies

hughug · 01/07/2005 11:47

I had a termination without telling my husband or ANYBODY else for that matter.

I know he would desperately want me to keep the baby, but i couldn't cope mentally, and that's a fact. So I didn't tell him because i know it would have really hurt him. It wasn't easy, believe me, i just put it at the back of my mind, and try not to think about it, but i know it is horrific. What do you think?

OP posts:

teeavee · 01/07/2005 11:49

Horrific it is not. It was your decision. I believe that the woman should always have the last word on matters such as this.
You had the right to take this decision in the manner that was best for you.

MamaMaiasaura · 01/07/2005 11:50

Did you get counselling? Why couldnt you cope? The reason I am asking is because it seems you need to talk it through and were you given that opportunity before having the abortion? Really really hope you are ok. Have you told anyone in family or friends. Quite concerned you may be isolated.

Original poster

hughug · 01/07/2005 11:53

Counselling was a 5 min chat with a woman at the clinic, really, what does she know?

NOBODY knows, friends or family. Why would i do this? they would think, when i have everything i need to offer a baby? Also very loving DH

OP posts:

Blu · 01/07/2005 11:54

hughug - I feel very sad that your relationship couldn't have encompassed sharing this, and you must feel quite lonely, having taken such a step by yourself, but if your partner would in no way have supported YOUR decision, and it would have ended or badly damaged your relationship, then you were / are in a no-win situation. I am not shocked, and I don't think you did wrong - but I do hope you can get some support, and take care of yourself.

Enid · 01/07/2005 11:56

I think you may need a bit of prof help to come to terms with your decision, not the termination but your decision to keep it a secret. Hope you can move on from it and I'd love to think you end up confiding in your dh. Good luck.

starlover · 01/07/2005 11:56

hughug... you have not done an horrific thing!

you have done what was right for you, and for your family. if you couldn't cope with a baby then everyone would have suffered... not only you.

it does sound as though you are not dealing very well with it though. it is possible to have further counselling if you talk to your GP

Blu · 01/07/2005 11:57

If you were sure about your own decision, I see no need to put yourself under pressure from people who would not have helped you.

Blu · 01/07/2005 11:57

Yes, Enid has put it much better than me - that is what I meant.

Marina · 01/07/2005 11:58

Agree with others, not horrific, but if you want to hold onto keeping it private in RL I think it would help you to get some further counselling/a chance to talk through your feelings.
Take care hughug and please do not be hard on yourself.

MamaMaiasaura · 01/07/2005 11:59

5 min chat at clinic did she know your full situation? Sounds like it was more a tick the box exercise for her. Did you go via gp? did he/she help at all. I havent personally gone through this but are there support networks available if you really cant talk to friends or family?

Btw I am in no way judging your decision as I believe in most cases that as a woman it is your choice. I really think tho that you need some support for someone to properly spend time with you cos I sense there is a lot more to this. Hope I am not out of line.

QueenFlounce · 01/07/2005 12:00

I'm curious as to why you posted it on here? Is it to feel like you've finally told someone? Or is it because you want people to tell you that it's all ok?

I find it deeply sad and quite upsetting.

MamaMaiasaura · 01/07/2005 12:01

posts crossed

Caligula · 01/07/2005 12:03

It's not at all horrific, you made the right decision for you and telling your DH about it may well have led to terrible trauma in your relationship if he didn't feel the same about it.

Don't be hard on yourself - you haven't done anything bad, let alone horrific.

QueenFlounce · 01/07/2005 12:07

Sorry... to go against the general consensus, I think that its was a decision that your DH should have been involved in. The baby was as much his. I understand that the decision ultimately lies with the woman, her body etc etc..... but I feel it's a secret that will almost inevitable be revealed at some point. And how hurt will he be then?

QueenFlounce · 01/07/2005 12:09

I'm not trying to hurt feelings here... but your post clearly asks "What do you think?"...so I'm just trying to be as honest as poss.

ninah · 01/07/2005 12:13

If you were sure you could not have the baby I think you have done absolutely the right thing, including keeping it to yourself

NomDePlume · 01/07/2005 12:13

QF, I agree with you in principle, but don't know how i would deal with it if I were in the exact situation.

compo · 01/07/2005 12:16

feel the same as ndp. I know if my dh found out he would never forgive me making such a decision on my own but I really don't see why anyone should find out if you can manage not to tell anyone (I'm hopeless at keeping secrets)

QueenFlounce · 01/07/2005 12:17

NDP - True. I've never been there.

Listmaker · 01/07/2005 12:18

I'm afraid I tend to agree with QF too. Much as I'd like to say what the others are it's just not what I feel. Why couldn't you cope? Do you have other kids? And I don't think you shouldn't have told your dh. I know it's done and I don't want to heap the guilt on you but I find abortion in a marriage hard to handle.

Having said all that I want you to come to terms with this and live a happy life as there would be no point beating yourself over something that is done. Maybe it would be best kept a secret to avoid destroying other's lives but you might want to think about counselling as others have said. It's a big thing to get to grips with and could haunt you in years to come.

Caligula · 01/07/2005 12:19

I think in an ideal world everyone would be in favour of couples taking big decisions together.

But in the real world, where a decision is made by one party in which the other party may have had consultation powers, but no decision making powers, the man involved may have such strong feelings of anger, resentment and hurt if a termination takes place without his genuine agreement, that it can smash a marriage apart.

That's not a risk most women would take and I don't blame them. And it sounds as though hughug may have been in a situation where she would have had to take an enormous decision with which her DH disagreed, which may have put her marriage on the line.

I don't blame her or anyone else not putting themself in that situation.

starlover · 01/07/2005 12:20

at the end of the day though, regardless of whether or not anyone else would have done it differently, it IS done now...

hughug, i really think you would benefit from some form of counselling

Dahlia · 01/07/2005 12:20

Hughug, I'm sorry you've had to go through such an awful experience on your own, but I think you're very brave, and I think you've done the right thing, from what you say. And, although it may sound trite - what he doesn't know won't hurt him. It won't serve any purpose to tell him, and if you think you've made the right decision having a termination, and you are ok dealing with it yourself, then so be it. But if it really starts to play on your mind, then you should try and talk to someone in RL about it, and get some sort of closure. Hope you are ok, take care.

QueenFlounce · 01/07/2005 12:36

Why did you do it Hughug? Just curious..... there must have been something awful in your life to make you reach the conclusion that ending the pregnancy was better than having a baby.

Original poster

hughug · 01/07/2005 12:40

Queenflounce, in answer to your questions: Yes, i posted in here for both reasons, I wanted to tell someone (only understandable) and i wanted to know what people thought.

My DH is the softest man in the world, so soft in fact, that he can be a bit childish. He would have said "Oh, another baby, how cute!" I know this is very nice, but the one bringing up the children is me, and at times i think i am letting them down. They are doing very well at school, and so on, but there are other aspects of motherhood in which i am not succeeding very well. I felt like this for a long time, therefore, having another baby was a big NO for me.
As for my husband, I just want him to carry on being happy. True, it is some secret to keep, but this is is not a story book, it's my family life, and I want the members of this family to be protected from this "decision".

OP posts:

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