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Original poster

I know this is shocking....

57 replies

hughug · 01/07/2005 11:47

I had a termination without telling my husband or ANYBODY else for that matter.

I know he would desperately want me to keep the baby, but i couldn't cope mentally, and that's a fact. So I didn't tell him because i know it would have really hurt him. It wasn't easy, believe me, i just put it at the back of my mind, and try not to think about it, but i know it is horrific. What do you think?

OP posts:
morningpaper · 01/07/2005 12:41

Hughug: I would really recommend that you look for a sympathetic counsellor. This isn't the kind of thing that someone does when they have 'everything they need' and a 'very loving DH'. I hope you can work things through.

QueenFlounce · 01/07/2005 12:42

Hughug - Morningpaper is right.

Original poster
hughug · 01/07/2005 12:48

Well, not everything is black and white, having material things does not mean you are fit to have a child. But, please, do not thik QF and MP that i don't want to hear what you want to say. I don't want a pat on the back, i want to hear your opinions.

OP posts:
ninah · 01/07/2005 12:54

I disagree mp. I think you can disagree totally with a loving partner about whether to have another child, and you can have a complete aversion to it despite material circumstances. Given that hh has taken this decision I think she has been quite brave to spare her family the pain of it. I'm not a great advocate of counselling, personally, but it might be worth exploring if you need someone in rl to talk with hh.

Marina · 01/07/2005 12:57

"very loving dh" does not also exclude "very needy dh" or "very ineffectual dh", for example .
Material comfort and a doting spouse still don't necessarily add up to all the support you need when pregnant and dealing with a young baby all over again.
Hughug, I hope it is helping you lots to discuss the matter here.

QueenFlounce · 01/07/2005 12:58

Hughug - "Everything you need" includes your emotional needs too.... I think MP was trying to say that if you had nothing lacking in your life then you would probably not have felt like you couldn't cope with another baby. You say you feel like you are not suceeding in certain aspects of parenting. That surely indicates that you most certainly don't have everything you need (other than material belongings).

morningpaper · 01/07/2005 13:05

I agree ninah that you can disagree with your partner about whether to have another child. But it is a far cry from disagreeing with him to making that decision unilaterally. That suggests to me that there are more underlying problems than those that are being aired here.

If the poster had said "I've just cashed in our mortgage and pensions to pay for something I want and not told DH" I don't think we would say "Well that was your decision to make." Not a great analogy I know and I don't mean to be flippant at all but the decision that hughug has made is far more significant than that and I don't think can be brushed aside so lightly.

ninah · 01/07/2005 13:12

Of course it would be better for all to be able to discuss this. But if hh knows her dp would not accept a termination, and she cannot accept a pregnancy, there's no room for compromise.
The reality is that a termination is ultimately a woman's decision, for purely biological reasons. I wish hh could have involved her dp but I think I understand why she could not

morningpaper · 01/07/2005 13:14

I know it's not popular and I don't mean to offend, but I don't think that it is purely a woman's decision to make, when she is in a supportive and loving marriage. I also don't think that there is 'no room for compromise' in this kind of relationship.

Just my opinion. As I say, I don't want to offend HH and I hope you can come to terms with it and that things work out for you and your family.

Original poster
hughug · 01/07/2005 13:17

Exactly QF, i do have all the material things, but not the spiritual ones. And yes MP, of course there are more underlying problems.

OP posts:
ninah · 01/07/2005 13:19

so sorry hughug
do hope you find a way to feel happier

QueenFlounce · 01/07/2005 13:21

MP - I agree with you. I know my DH would be devastated if I wanted to have an abortion (strangely we spoke about this last week!). I have quite stern views on abortion and I really have a tough time understanding a few incidences that I've heard recently of married women terminating pregnancies that were not mutually unwanted. I want to understand, but I don't know if I can...... having thankfully never been in that situation. Perhaps I shouldn't add anymore!

QueenFlounce · 01/07/2005 13:23

HH - I really hope you can sort out the problems in your life that led you to this decision.

morningpaper · 01/07/2005 13:25

Yes good luck Hughug x

Original poster
hughug · 01/07/2005 13:25

The issue here: When i was at the clinic, feeling utterly miserable, i was looking at the other vast ammount of women who were there for the same purpose as me.

Where they all single?
Where they all homeless and broke?

It was awful, terminating a pregnancy is absolutely horrible, if you think about...but i try not to.

But the feeling and knowing that despite the points above, i am not capable or suited to have another baby, made me go through with it.

It was a no win situation.

OP posts:
edam · 01/07/2005 13:26

That's your right hughug. Sad that you didn't have your dh's support, but it's your body, your choice. Not horrific at all.
FWIW someone very close to me had an abortion that none of her family know about. I'm one of (I think) only two people who knows. It was the right decision for her and she's never regretted it for a moment - says she just feels relieved when she thinks about it as pregnancy would have had all sorts of negative consequences and been a disaster.
If you are troubled by the abortion yourself, might be an idea to speak to a real counsellor - someone independent, not one of the pro-life people masquerading as counsellors. But only if you feel the need to talk about it, not because you have to in any way. You made the right decision at that time, for you and your family.

edam · 01/07/2005 13:28

oh, and don't feel obliged to tell your dh - some secrets should remain secrets IYKWIM.

Original poster
hughug · 01/07/2005 13:30

Thank you everyone. QF, i must say, you really do know what you are talking about, and it seems to me you have a good ability to read in between the lines.

It's true, if this other issues hadn't been going on in my life, things would most probably had turned out differently, i'm sure of it. If, if if if

OP posts:
QueenFlounce · 01/07/2005 13:35

HH - Would you want another baby in the future if the problems were sorted? Or have you made the final decision not to have anymore children?
Again I'd say counselling either way.

Original poster
hughug · 01/07/2005 13:40

That's the thing QF, after what i've done, who am i to say "This one no" "This one yes". I do feel like a nazi. I would just feel too guilty, to enjoy another pregnancy, to caress and whisper sweet things at another bump. IYKWIM

OP posts:
QueenFlounce · 01/07/2005 13:41

Counselling would help with that wouldn't it?

Original poster
hughug · 01/07/2005 13:41

NO darling, it wouldn't take it away. No, i don't think i could

OP posts:
starlover · 01/07/2005 13:42

oh hughug... don't feel like that. you did what you did because it was the right thing at the time. the right thing for you, and for your family.
that doesn't mean you can't have another baby.

i had a termination a few years ago. i KNEW that it wasn't the right time for me and that things would have been awful if i had gone through ewith the pregnancy.
I now have a beautiful 5 month old son.

I often think of the other baby, and yes, sometimes i feel guilty. but at the time it was the right decision... and who knows where i'd be now if i had had the baby.

you have to do what is right for you at the time, and you can't let is affect what happens in the future

starlover · 01/07/2005 13:43

hughug... no, counselling wouldn't take it away.

but it would help you to come to terms with what has happened. to deal with the guilt you are feeling

QueenFlounce · 01/07/2005 13:44

It must still be very recent and raw for you. I hope you never have to face that decision again.

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