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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Dh not coping with ds1

65 replies

Snowfun · 05/01/2010 21:34

Where do I start? I have had problems with dh and his anger management issues for a while. He can be a loving caring husband and father to my 2 ds. He also gets incredibly stressed over things and just loses it.

THings came to a head about a week before Christmas. He came in from work and I had just out the dc to bed. I admit I was tired and I was sitting down on the settee despite the fact that not all the toys had been put away. He put the shopping that he had bought on his way home from work down in the middle of the room and went ballistic that I had sat down despite me not finishing tidying. Anyway I am ashamed to say I snapped and picked up the milk carton that he had left in the living room and threw it across the room. He went crazy and threw it at my face. I had milkon my face and hair and he was still going crazy. I dialed 999 at that point and as soon as I did it regreted it but it was too late. Police came and told my dh to spend the night away so things could calm down. He stayed round him mums which was terrible as they constantly rang. His mum had a go at me for ringing the police and she continued to ring the next morning!

Anyway he came home the next day and he said it was a wake up call and he would change. However he still keeps getting stressed and my ds1 aged 4 is picking up on things. He has started getting aggressive and hitting kicking even biting me when he thing aren't going his way. I have tried talking to him time out but nothing works. Dh just can't cope with it and when he gets like that he shouts aggressively and has smacked him which makes him worse.

My ds thinks the absolute world of his dad they both do. That morning when he wasn't there I told him he was working early when they asked after him and they talked about him constantly I felt so guilty. He wanted to see the boys before going to work but I thought it best not to as it would confuse them. Next thing I know his mum rang to ask why won't I let him see the boys.

I have tried to explainn to dh that its his aggressive and angry manner that is making ds aggressive and he won't accept he said that he ought to behave himself and he needs to be told. I can't see a way forward this.

OP posts:

Squitten · 05/01/2010 21:48

You're absolutely correct - your DS is absolutely learning how to behave from his father and what a crappy example!

I can't believe that the fact that you hadn't tidied all the toys away resulted in the police being called - you must realise that that's completely insane! Is he usually a control freak about what you do??

He needs anger management help immediately and it may take an ultimatum from you to make him get it

BrahmsThirdRacket · 05/01/2010 21:50

Well, it's abuse really isn't it? Mental and physical. To my mind, going ballistic just because you sat down before tidying up is just awful behaviour.

Is he your DCs actual father? It's the way you say 'my DS' instead of 'our DS' or just 'DS', it's very significant imo.

I don't know what to suggest to make it better. It sounds like he is just made that way. I wouldn't put up with it. Have you considered leaving him?

hbfac · 05/01/2010 21:50

Sorry - hope someone better will be along in a minute.

I, personally, might find out about anger management courses for your dh. Quickly.

This is seriously not OK behaviour.

And don't fell bad about 'phoning the police. I'm guessing you were scared. Well ... . It's hard to equate the person he was that night with the person he is when he is behaving better. But they are the same person, HE was that person, and what would have happened if you hadn't 'phoned the police?

I am worried that things escalated that quickly.

I think you could do with talking to someone.

SolidGoldBloodyJanuaryUrgh · 05/01/2010 21:53

He is abusive. He thinks it's OK to shout at both you and the DC and to hit you, because he is a Man and you are only a woman and the DSs are only children, so you don't matter as much as he does. And the most telling thing is that he doesn't see anything wrong with his behaviour.

hbfac · 05/01/2010 21:53

Actually, I am thinking this sounds as though it is violent outbreaks with a background of abuse.

It also sounds as though it's escalating.

I really do think you should talk to someone from a DV organisation.

Original poster

Snowfun · 05/01/2010 21:55

Yes he is very controling although since that that day that has changed completely. He used to alter whether he came in the back or front door and not ring when he was on way home (he works different hours every day) to "catch me out"! That has stopped aswell. Its just how he deals with the boys that hasn't changed.

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hbfac · 05/01/2010 21:59

You calling the police shocked him. Soemone else, with more authority, stepped in and told him to stop.

He's switched to your boys.

He'll probably escalate with the dc and switch back to you at some point.

He likes control. He can't cope with non-control. He doesn't have an "off" switch when it comes to taking out his anger on others. Others who can't stop him.

He needs to be told to stop. He needs to stop. Do talk to someone specialised in this. And he needs anger management.

Original poster

Snowfun · 05/01/2010 22:04

I rang my parents that night in a dreadful state. When I told them what had happened my mum said "stupid stupid woman they could take your children" My parents came round straight away and my mum stayed the night. My dad said of all the things you have done in your life that has to be the stupidest!" Although having said that they were furious with h just annoyed about the police part.

My mum seems to think that i need to take responsiblity to make everything as streefree as possible to stop him from getting stressed and I've got to take my responsibility in this. Things like doing quiet things that involve toys after tea like tv so I have less to tidy up and tidying up as I go etc. Yes they are both our children btw.

OP posts:

Original poster

Snowfun · 05/01/2010 22:09

Should have been things that don't involve toys! He is working tonight but has just rung and asked is the house nice and tidy it is as it happens!

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hbfac · 05/01/2010 22:11

And ... that's not helpful.

I think some parents (and this is giving them huge benefit of the doubt) can't bear to think how vulnerable their daughters are, so go completely like this.

Talk to someone who knows about this sort of thing - I think mn-ers generally recommend Women's Aid, who can talk to you.

'Phone them when he's out of the house. First opportunity.

hbfac · 05/01/2010 22:12

Reply was to post at 22:04.

Original poster

Snowfun · 05/01/2010 22:23

I don't know. Calling womens aid seems abit extreme. Nothing like that incident has happened since. Although he does still ring alot. Its just how he copes with family life that worries me. Like if ds1 refuses to eat it becomes a trigger when he shouts at ds and says you will eat it but he refuses and then it escalates into a situation when the hitting etc from ds1 starts again. When I said to ds1 you must not hit its very very naughty I don't hit you so you mustnt hit me he said but daddy does though

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GypsyMoth · 05/01/2010 22:27

call womens aid.....

your ds is suffering abuse and its affecting him. get him out of this. its not acceptable,and he's only 4,can you imagine how your dh will be coping with him once he's 7,10 and a opinionated teenager??

BrahmsThirdRacket · 05/01/2010 22:30

Don't you feel like he's trying to control you. Ringing and asking if the house is tidy - wtf?

Your parents were totally wrong

hbfac · 05/01/2010 22:36

It's not extreme. It's sensible.

Seriously, they are experts and will give you lots of advice about how to stop this escalating. How to stop it, full stop.

Who else can give you that advice? You know it's not going to be your parents or his.

Original poster

Snowfun · 05/01/2010 22:37

When I look at them in their bed and cot sleeping soundly in their lovely bedroom with their toys in their rooms I think how could I take themm away from it. I don't work at the mo as I'm a sahm so how would I manage? Also the boys think the world of their dad everythings daddy this and that. He's been very good with the boys today. No incidents at all. Ds1 was at preschool and had a good day. He did start a bit of hitting at bath time after h had gone to work but I ended bathtime immediately and it didn't escalate. When h rings when they are up they fight over the phone. If I left dh would still be entitled to see the boys and this time it would be without me being there to intervene etc wouldn't it?

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SolidGoldBloodyJanuaryUrgh · 05/01/2010 22:40

Oh love, your parents have brought you up to believe that it's a woman's job to placate and obey a man, haven't they? Does your dad bully your mum like this? Your H is a shit and his behaviour is TOTALLY UNACCEPTABLE. he is not your boss, nor your owner, and you are not a disobedient pet he's entitled to control like this.
He needs a good kick in the cock, not anger management. Anger management is not great for abusers, it tends to teach them subtler and nastier ways of abusing their partners and children. Do have a chat with Women's Aid - remember, they will not compel you to do anything you don't want to do, they won't be shocked and they will be able to give you good practical advice and lots of support.

GypsyMoth · 05/01/2010 22:41

well you can insist on supervised contact if necessary,but thats not an immediate worry is it?

you're walking on eggshells,trying to guage his mood and pre-empt him losing it aren't you?? this is classic abusive behaviour...really,i've been there,i know. call womens aid,ask them...they can advise you.

Alambil · 05/01/2010 22:48

do you want DS treating you like your husband does?

do you want DS treating his girlfriends and wife like your husband does?

"he said but daddy does though" is a tragic state of affairs - abuse or not, THAT needs chaanging and the only way that changes is with massive, massive shifts in the family structure.

Does he yell and throw things at his boss when he puts pressure on him?

No?

Well, then it ain't about the stress - it's about control and terrorising his family. He CAN control his anger. He CHOOSES to treat you like this.

hbfac · 05/01/2010 22:51

'Phoning Women's Aid is a small step - don't let worrying about the big stuff put you off doing a small thing.

[SGB - Is that true? That's disturbing.]

WhatNoLunchBreak · 05/01/2010 22:54

Sweetheart, how can we stress this enough to you? This. Is. Abuse.

The fact that your parents are colluding in this - even if they misguidedly believe that they have everyone's best interests at heart - shows that you are caught in a terrible cycle that is, by design, going to make you question yourself every step of the way.

Trust your intuition. Don't trust your fears. Don't worry about what will happen if you start to act on your intuition: life has a way of supporting you, if you would only start supporting yourself.

Thinking of you, and wishing you strength and clarity.

Alambil · 05/01/2010 22:54

why is that disturbing?

hbfac · 05/01/2010 22:57

[Lewisfan - don't want to hi-jack but someone in RL has just sent their dh on an anger management course. I thought it sounded like a good idea. (Hence suggesting it here.) Now, I'm wondering ...]

hbfac · 05/01/2010 22:58

[Lewisfan - I didn't suggest it to her to RL friend! Am feeling bad for suggesting it here now.]

Original poster

Snowfun · 05/01/2010 22:59

Why are you wondering about anger management courses? Wouldn't that be a good idea?

OP posts:

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