Dh not coping with ds1

[Snowfun]

Where do I start? I have had problems with dh and his anger management issues for a while. He can be a loving caring husband and father to my 2 ds. He also gets incredibly stressed over things and just loses it.

THings came to a head about a week before Christmas. He came in from work and I had just out the dc to bed. I admit I was tired and I was sitting down on the settee despite the fact that not all the toys had been put away. He put the shopping that he had bought on his way home from work down in the middle of the room and went ballistic that I had sat down despite me not finishing tidying. Anyway I am ashamed to say I snapped and picked up the milk carton that he had left in the living room and threw it across the room. He went crazy and threw it at my face. I had milkon my face and hair and he was still going crazy. I dialed 999 at that point and as soon as I did it regreted it but it was too late. Police came and told my dh to spend the night away so things could calm down. He stayed round him mums which was terrible as they constantly rang. His mum had a go at me for ringing the police and she continued to ring the next morning!

Anyway he came home the next day and he said it was a wake up call and he would change. However he still keeps getting stressed and my ds1 aged 4 is picking up on things. He has started getting aggressive and hitting kicking even biting me when he thing aren't going his way. I have tried talking to him time out but nothing works. Dh just can't cope with it and when he gets like that he shouts aggressively and has smacked him which makes him worse.

My ds thinks the absolute world of his dad they both do. That morning when he wasn't there I told him he was working early when they asked after him and they talked about him constantly I felt so guilty. He wanted to see the boys before going to work but I thought it best not to as it would confuse them. Next thing I know his mum rang to ask why won't I let him see the boys.

I have tried to explainn to dh that its his aggressive and angry manner that is making ds aggressive and he won't accept he said that he ought to behave himself and he needs to be told. I can't see a way forward this.

Shit, you belong to a religion that's taught you women are inferior to men and should just put up with abuse as well. You poor girl, and your poor DC.

DOn't bother approaching representatives of the fuckwitted superstition you were reared in, they willtell you to 'submit to the will our our imaginary friend, and modify your own behaviour'. Getting away from that will do you good. Abuse unfortunately thrives in these 'tightly-knit' churches, because they are always founded by men who think women are objects and who vigorously reinforce that idea by supporting and protecting abusers.

Paul commands men to love their wives as Christ loves the church.

He's broken his wedding vows AND scripture, snow.... don't listen to your pastor / vicar / elders - they don't KNOW what he's like. You do.

oops, meant to add if you'd like to chat further off the boards my email is freedom 6606 at hotmail dot com (no gaps) - I've been where you are. I was in a church too ... I left my ex and divorced (well, he got his papers in first) - I've not been struck down by His wrath yet!

Thanks everyone for your support. He is actually going away with the ta's at the weekend for 2 weeks. Its a course in a barracks not a camp and said he might pop home for a couple of hours some nights to see us. Officially they are meant to be staying there for the duration but the barracks in "only" 30 miles away. When I said I don't think that would be a good idea as it would confuse the kids if he turned up at bed time for a few hours some days and not others he said he wants to see the kids and joked if my boyfiend would be coming round and if that was my reason for not wanting him home!

Also today was an absolute nightmare getting ds1 to preschool. So much so that I asked his keyworker if he'd been ok at preschool this week and she said he had. Anyway I mentioned ds1s aggressive phrase and she said that we should give him zero attention when he behaves litke that we should totally ignore him and give him lots of attention for good behaviour. I mentioned it dh and he agreed he would try it so I'll just have to see.

As dh has been working lates and not been here at teatime there has been no aggression or stress at all and he has eaten so well. Bedtimes even baths have been so much more relaxed and stressfree. If the next 2 weeks are like this then I will know where the stress etc in our family comes from!

Oh and ds1 has been a totally different boy this week. Dh has works afternoons till midnight this week so bearing in mind preschool he has hardly seen his dad. The aggression has just gone even dinners and bathtimes and bedtimes have improved no end. Left this morning for his two week course.

you don't need 2 weeks, I think

DS is already a calmer, happier, secure boy with h being absent for a few hours....

This is the end of the first week of dh's 2 weeks away. He has insisted on visiting every other day to visit the dc. He says he'll be round at 530-6 but hasn't arrived until 645 earliest each time and then wonders why they have trouble settling down at their normal bedtime at 7ish as they are obviously excited about seeing him. He stays for a short while to have tea and watch tv and then goes back.

Ds1s behaviour has improved no end. Apart from Monday the hitting me has almost totally gone! On monday he was misbehaving when mil happened to ring. Later when the dc were in bed she rang back and said ds1 was naughty earlier wasn't he is it because he daddy isn't around this week? I wish I'd had the guts to tell her the truth but I didn't.

Anyway the house does have a much calmer stressfree atmosphere even my mum comented on that today. But I still cannot summon the courage to leave this my home and step in the unknown. Where would I go? I don't feel I could put my boys through this. I have rung womens aid but I hung up and what would I say? THis isn't strictly speaking dv is it as apart from the one incident nothing physical has happened. Anyway I don't know why I've posted this but I want this atmosphere to stay the same as it is now but I just don't know where to go from here!

Oh and I have no idea why he wanted them to go bed at the normal time when he hadn't seen them for a couple of days and came back to visit them but he did!

I have a feeling that there is a higher incidence of DV among men who are in things like the TA: all that willy-waving, pig-headed male superiority coupled with basic inadequacy (a lot TA members have, at some level, an awareness or belief that they are too stupid/useless/unfit/mental to be in the real army so they become kind of squaddier-than-thou and very tiresome).

its still dv isn't it?

well,it was.....he's gone for now...what does that tell you?

Its not really dv if I rang womens aid I'd be taking them away from helping a woman whho was really in trouble also what on earth would I say? If I left h he would have parental contact when he would spend quite possibly whole days alone with them something which I have always ensured does not happen as I am always there. Oh I don't know I suppose I am just hoping things will be different when he gets home. He rang tonight and said he love me and misses me!

Have tried ringing again tonight and hung up!
Will it show on my sky phone bill?

I don't know, snow

it is dv though

there are loads of strands - financial, sexual, physical, mental and emotional off the top of my head, so don't for a minute think you deserve less help than "a battered wife"

i've been in 2 hostels escaping my dv reltionship...

many other women were in there too,but i can't remember anyone having bruises/physical marks and scars from their ex's....we all had our own stories,and alot were similiar to yours. so stop thinking you need to be battered to be helped,its not the case.