Have I a dysfunctional relationship?

[tinalane]

I am beginning to think so.

Do you agree? And how can I make this relationship functional again?

We have not been intimate for about four years now. DP has a stressful job & is probably mildly depressed some of the time.

DP refuses to cuddle anywhere. DP refuses to sit on 'my' sofa with me.

DP refuses to kiss normally, just pecks.

We live in DPs house, am grateful for that but whenever its discussed, DP says 'my house', not our home. Few years ago I got DP saying 'our' house, for a short while but Dp reverted again soon after without realising it. Dp had the house after their ex moved out & worked hard to keep it. I have moved 200 miles from where I grew up, if I moved out I would have nowhere to go.

Dp doesn't want children, never has, (although is ok with kids when we visit others). DP has NEVER asked me if I want them & I heard assuming I didn't when discussing with someone else.

Dp used to shout at me I was with the wrong person. I know that, but I want to work at it.

Dp once said to a friend that I wasn't their soul mate after a few drinks, I HEARD this but never said anything.

In some ways I get on better with DP's sister. We understand each other more, she would like another kid as well. At a party the other day (DP moved away when I sat next to DP), we were getting on great for some time, when DP's sister went to loo, DP moved the other chair!!

If I wear makeup, DP moans until I take it off. If I get a girly bag, or too girly things, DP moans.

We don't agree about politics, and I try to steer DP away from the mild racism that is normal round here. DP is not actually a racist or I wouldn't stay.

DP wants me to leave my church & go to a 'more normal' one.

I get cold, always was but also have medical reasons for it. When I go out dressed to be warm, DP moans until I take something off.

When we go out shopping together, DP refuses to walk at my pace & ends up in the distance. I can't walk fast, for breathing reasons, but Dp says they ust can't walk at my pace, which isn't that slow. Dp refuses to look in 'my' shops, but is happy for me to walk round 'theirs'.

Dp refuses to watch 'my' tv programmes saying they will go in other room if I insist.

If I try & talk about anything, DP is always busy watching tv, reading, doing this or that.

Whatever present I decide for anyone Dp always says is wrong.

Asked where I'd like to go on holiday whatever I say Dp disagrees again.

Dp won't watch a film with me, any film, as they get 'restless' feeling they have to stay there for hours, but Dp is happy to watch their own tv all night. I get told I read the wrong books.

Whatever I chose to wear for a night out it is wrong & I have to change again.

When house needs repairs I have to make all the arrangements & for weekends when I'm off, never for a weekday that Dp is off.

I think Dp has got into the habit of disagreeing with me.

Dp refuses to get married, is divorced, but said as they made a promise to God in church won't do it again. I know that Dp can't stand their ex though, so its not like that.

Dp has a kind heart & I know loves me, but does Dp love the real me or the idea of me?

Sometimes I feel Dp talks to me like a child, when I say so, I just get a row.

All that said we do have some laughs, and Dp is an nice person. Dp talks a lot & will always dominate any conversation, so much that people think I am quiet, until I talk to them alone, then I talk as much or more than Dp ever does. I have a quiet voice & people can't really hear me when Dp is talking.

Dp gets on fine with my mum, and I get on fine with Dp's family & friends. All these people are my friends too, I don't have many friends of my own, except from the church.

Dp does have a stressful job but is a bit paranoid about co-workers, but I have a stressful job too.

We don't argue that much, I had arguments all around me growing up & a bullying father, and I DON'T want any more as far as possible in my life.

I am NOT into SM, so don't enjoy being treated like this!!!

When I'm on my own at home, I feel its like a bath, like a relief for me. I love playing music a lot, but Dp objects.

Dp doesn't want another pet after the sadness of having their dog put down about 5 years ago who was very ill, despite reasurances etc. Dp won't have a cat that can look after themselves more.

All I want is a happy family in our home with pets & a nice garden as per standard dream!

I feel my life is going nowhere, things just run along at home without too many rows etc, but sometimes I feel if I wasn't alive any more would it make that much difference?

I do know Dp cares & when I was in hospital for a few days a few years ago, Dp was distraught & came in every day possible. I know Dp does love me.

I have lived with other people in the past, and when I left them I hurt myself more than them. i don't want this again, this time i want it to work, I never want to lose another bit of my heart again or there might not be any left.

A few years ago I did fall in love with someone at a distance. We met once in reality & it felt so right, so good, we didn't 'do' anything, but we felt so much more compatible, music loving etc. One day I was given the ultimatum by them, but I felt I was being used as a ticket away from their relationship & something wasn't quite right. Perhaps it was & we would have been happy every after, maybe I took a wrong turn. This person broke up with me & eventually found someone else & did leave where they where, but contacted me later to say I was always the one etc, which I think was probably true. In any case I didn't want to smash up my life again. Yes, i am 100% sure Dp knew nothing about it, I am positive about that, and it was just about all by phone & text anyway. If it didn't work out with that person, an affair with nobody else would ever work either & I don't want an affair anyway, I want this relationship to work.

What can I do to repair all this? I have tried talking & Dp would refuse to go to a councellor, I am positive.

I'm a happy little soul left to myself & an optimist, but sometimes Dp's mood drags me down.

Erm, I think the answer is startlingly obvious. I think you know the answer yourself. You get nothing from the relationship and are not making each other happy. So why the hell are you together? There is not one single reason why you should be with each other from what you've described.

Please find happiness with someone else, and get yourself a PROPER relationship, not this "habit" because that's all it is.

"I know dp loves me", does he? Whatever gives you that impression? I cant find one single thing in your post that shows he values you as anything more than an irritating paying lodger. "I'm a happy little soul", bless you that you are so blinded by his obvious dislike of you.

You are banging your head against a brick wall in your determination to make this work.

A fresh start would help - in a new house. Not HIS house but a house you choose TOGETHER and pay for TOGETHER.

Really, you need to look down the list you have written here and tick off those points you can live with, then start to work out how to change those points you are not prepared to tolerate.

Honest opinion, you're buggered. So much of your story is never going to change. He is the way he is.

I've a feeling that your definition of love might be warped as well. He demonstrates love in some very odd ways!

I hope you find the place you're looking for.

Oh, what a dreadfully sad post Tina.

He stops you from being yourself, and shows every sign of not loving you - neither as you truly are, nor the version of you he's made

I understand the fear of making big changes, and I understand your loyalty. But I think you should call it a day on this one. There's nothing to fix, it's a write-off.

I'm sorry.

can you really see yourself being happy and growing old with this man??

theres no future for you here...time to move on....let him find his 'soul mate'!!

What's the point in being with him? He doesn't really seem that arsed about anything, including you. Find someone that loves you, life's too short.

Oh dear.

This isn't a relationship.

Your DP doesn't love you or care about you and you can't repair this and shouldn't even try!!!!!

You can't change a person or make them like you. For goodness sake have some self-respect and leave.

He doesn't love you.

I promise you. He doesn't.

"do I have a dysfunctional relationship?"

It sounds to me like you don't have a relationship at all. I don't say it lightly, in fact I hardly ever do, but you really need to move on!

If you stay in this relationship you will completely loose your heart, and your life as well.

Doodlez & ItsGraceAgain, you have nearly made me cry.

Al of you thank you so much for your support.

There's so many other things like Dp often has a bad day at work, I listen & support, but when I have a bad day I feel I can't talk about it cos either Dp had a good one & I don't want to spoil it, or Dp had a bad one & I don't want to make it worse.

I don't want to give the impression that I'm miserable every day & walk around depressed, its not really like that, my normal day I'm just in a neutral mood. (Although for the thread about best part of 2009 I couldn't think of anything).

As I said we do have some laughs & we've shared a lot & I do know Dp cares, perhaps I've not posted the caring things enough. There have been them, Dp does most of the cooking, pays more bills, makes arrangements & other things to help us both.

Its just I want this relationship to improve somehow. Dp does ask my opinion from time to time, perhaps more recently.

We are both a bit crazy & a few months ago I said its lucky we're together cos I'm the only one who would really understand them, but I got 'don't be too sure'.

When we go out we do hold hands though, and friends agree Dp really does love me.I think its more a behaviour thing.

I just wanted to think it all out & find ways to improve things.

Thanks!

oh God tina you re in serious denial.

This is not a reltionship. It doesn't matter what his good points are, your list of the bad points is more than enough for you to leave.

But hey, it's your choise, if you would rather be in this dysfunctional relationship than single stay. But you will never truly be happy.

Oh dear.

I am sure it is hurting you so much to read all those posts.

How long have you been together?

It is pretty obvious that your DP does not behave lovingly towards you. Whether he would say he loves you is different. he may be incapabale of loving anyone inthe accepted sense of the word.

The fact that you moved 200 miles from "home" ( assuming you mean parents) is no excuse. I am also 250 miles from "home" but have been for over 30 years and made a life for myself, as have countless other people.

Do you work? can you support yourself on your income? Do you contribute to the finances in your home now?

This man appears to be a controlling, selfish bully.

You have got to leave and I wish you strength to do so.

How old are you- you sound very young. Is this real? it sounds incredible.

This is our 10th year together,and of course in the beginning it was different.

There are good things too, if I say anything about about work, Dp jumps in & insults work for me, tells me I should find a job elsewhere etc.

Its just, we don't seem as compatible as a normal couple. Perhaps it's because Dp had a messy breakup with their ex a few years ago & is now 'proudly independent', and I can understand why. But I'm different from their ex.

Dp was brought up by GrandParents, and have never been very close to mother, (closer these days), went to a single sex school, nearly joined the RAF etc & is quite 'manly' in some ways. I think perhaps he never really learned how to be part of a partnership properly.

I feel Dp is vulnerable & a bit insecure, even my mum spotted this, & has to compensate all the time.

Dp is a sweet person inside, its just his way to bluster a bit to cover up insecurities.

I don't think you're having a dysfunctional relationship; I don't think you're having a relationship at all. You're just sharing a house, which you have no stake in, make none of the decisions, constantly moderating your behaviour while "DP" pleases themselves. Whatever way you cut it, you are more likely to lose yourself by staying in this facade of a relationship than by getting out of it and maybe meeting someone nice, as you sort-of did before.

Assuming there is ongoing love because the other party once showed concern about your health a few years ago is clutching at straws, to say the least.

Excuse us for assuming your partner to be male, by the way. Your name suggests you are female and it is kind of fair to assume that children wouldn't be an issue in a same-sex relationship. Irrelevant really. The point is it's a bad setup and it makes you unhappy. If I understand rightly, you don't have children or pets to stay for, only the dead horse you are flogging. Save yourself and get out!

Sounds like you are a lodger not a partner. I not sure that he is a controlling,selfish bully just someone who cannt be arsed.

Dammit, cross posted with about 10 posts

PP I am over 40.
Yes this is real.

Do you ever have the feeling you've just put all your moans into one post?

If you saw us you probably wouldn't think most of what I'd put other than I don't speak that much when we're together with others.

We seem happy & normal enough.

It's just I've been thinking about this for a long time.

Going round the shops for example you see couples walking together looking at things instead of trying to find their partner who runs through supermarkets.

Perhaps I am trying to help someone who doesn't have some couple skills.

But I Do love Dp, and as I said we do have some nice & happy times together. Sometimes I want more support & maybe even a cuddle. I wan to make this work, not to walk out of any more relationships.

Yes these posts are making me sad but I'm glad that people are answering me.

Tina- are you for real?
Get a grip for God's sake!
Every line you have written says that this man is a complete prick. Then you go on to try to excuse his behaviour when anyone criticses him. You are seriously deluded.

Is this really what you think you deserve?

I think you should get yourself off for psychotherapy/counselling asap because if this is a question that you need to post on MN and cannot see the true situation yourself, you have serious problems. Sorry.

Stop making excuses for him. Who cares what his past was like or why he is the way he is, he still doesn't love you and you shouldn't be with him.

We both do little things that show we love each other, things that show we care, not just for show, but in reality.

Maybe we are in love but just incompatible at the same time.

I agree with purple. For god's sake get a grip woman.

You don't actually love this man either, you are just dependant on him. Sounds to me like you don't love yourself either, anyone who truly loved themselves wouldn't waste their time with a partner like this.

Love isn't about the little tihngs that keep you dependant on wich other. Love is about the bigger picture. You obviously have no idea.

I'm sorry I didn't want to make people cross with me.

I know I could find someone who treats me better & is more compatible with me.

I just wanted to think things through & find a way to make things better together.