Have I a dysfunctional relationship?

[tinalane]

I am beginning to think so.

Do you agree? And how can I make this relationship functional again?

We have not been intimate for about four years now. DP has a stressful job & is probably mildly depressed some of the time.

DP refuses to cuddle anywhere. DP refuses to sit on 'my' sofa with me.

DP refuses to kiss normally, just pecks.

We live in DPs house, am grateful for that but whenever its discussed, DP says 'my house', not our home. Few years ago I got DP saying 'our' house, for a short while but Dp reverted again soon after without realising it. Dp had the house after their ex moved out & worked hard to keep it. I have moved 200 miles from where I grew up, if I moved out I would have nowhere to go.

Dp doesn't want children, never has, (although is ok with kids when we visit others). DP has NEVER asked me if I want them & I heard assuming I didn't when discussing with someone else.

Dp used to shout at me I was with the wrong person. I know that, but I want to work at it.

Dp once said to a friend that I wasn't their soul mate after a few drinks, I HEARD this but never said anything.

In some ways I get on better with DP's sister. We understand each other more, she would like another kid as well. At a party the other day (DP moved away when I sat next to DP), we were getting on great for some time, when DP's sister went to loo, DP moved the other chair!!

If I wear makeup, DP moans until I take it off. If I get a girly bag, or too girly things, DP moans.

We don't agree about politics, and I try to steer DP away from the mild racism that is normal round here. DP is not actually a racist or I wouldn't stay.

DP wants me to leave my church & go to a 'more normal' one.

I get cold, always was but also have medical reasons for it. When I go out dressed to be warm, DP moans until I take something off.

When we go out shopping together, DP refuses to walk at my pace & ends up in the distance. I can't walk fast, for breathing reasons, but Dp says they ust can't walk at my pace, which isn't that slow. Dp refuses to look in 'my' shops, but is happy for me to walk round 'theirs'.

Dp refuses to watch 'my' tv programmes saying they will go in other room if I insist.

If I try & talk about anything, DP is always busy watching tv, reading, doing this or that.

Whatever present I decide for anyone Dp always says is wrong.

Asked where I'd like to go on holiday whatever I say Dp disagrees again.

Dp won't watch a film with me, any film, as they get 'restless' feeling they have to stay there for hours, but Dp is happy to watch their own tv all night. I get told I read the wrong books.

Whatever I chose to wear for a night out it is wrong & I have to change again.

When house needs repairs I have to make all the arrangements & for weekends when I'm off, never for a weekday that Dp is off.

I think Dp has got into the habit of disagreeing with me.

Dp refuses to get married, is divorced, but said as they made a promise to God in church won't do it again. I know that Dp can't stand their ex though, so its not like that.

Dp has a kind heart & I know loves me, but does Dp love the real me or the idea of me?

Sometimes I feel Dp talks to me like a child, when I say so, I just get a row.

All that said we do have some laughs, and Dp is an nice person. Dp talks a lot & will always dominate any conversation, so much that people think I am quiet, until I talk to them alone, then I talk as much or more than Dp ever does. I have a quiet voice & people can't really hear me when Dp is talking.

Dp gets on fine with my mum, and I get on fine with Dp's family & friends. All these people are my friends too, I don't have many friends of my own, except from the church.

Dp does have a stressful job but is a bit paranoid about co-workers, but I have a stressful job too.

We don't argue that much, I had arguments all around me growing up & a bullying father, and I DON'T want any more as far as possible in my life.

I am NOT into SM, so don't enjoy being treated like this!!!

When I'm on my own at home, I feel its like a bath, like a relief for me. I love playing music a lot, but Dp objects.

Dp doesn't want another pet after the sadness of having their dog put down about 5 years ago who was very ill, despite reasurances etc. Dp won't have a cat that can look after themselves more.

All I want is a happy family in our home with pets & a nice garden as per standard dream!

I feel my life is going nowhere, things just run along at home without too many rows etc, but sometimes I feel if I wasn't alive any more would it make that much difference?

I do know Dp cares & when I was in hospital for a few days a few years ago, Dp was distraught & came in every day possible. I know Dp does love me.

I have lived with other people in the past, and when I left them I hurt myself more than them. i don't want this again, this time i want it to work, I never want to lose another bit of my heart again or there might not be any left.

A few years ago I did fall in love with someone at a distance. We met once in reality & it felt so right, so good, we didn't 'do' anything, but we felt so much more compatible, music loving etc. One day I was given the ultimatum by them, but I felt I was being used as a ticket away from their relationship & something wasn't quite right. Perhaps it was & we would have been happy every after, maybe I took a wrong turn. This person broke up with me & eventually found someone else & did leave where they where, but contacted me later to say I was always the one etc, which I think was probably true. In any case I didn't want to smash up my life again. Yes, i am 100% sure Dp knew nothing about it, I am positive about that, and it was just about all by phone & text anyway. If it didn't work out with that person, an affair with nobody else would ever work either & I don't want an affair anyway, I want this relationship to work.

What can I do to repair all this? I have tried talking & Dp would refuse to go to a councellor, I am positive.

I'm a happy little soul left to myself & an optimist, but sometimes Dp's mood drags me down.

what might be an interesting exercise would be for you to write a list like the one you did in your first post, but written from his perspective - it may make you think a little more clearly about your relationship and whether any parts of it are positive and healthy ie whether there is anything that you wish to work for.

surely the biggest thing that will galvanise you to move on is the fact that you want children(do you?) and he clearly doesnt - that would be the biggest regret of your life looking back, so that should be the thing that gets you moving.

you also really do need to speak to a good friend who can help you see things clearly, as your confidence levels sound below zero and this will be affecting the way you view the relationship. good luck.

Thank you annatw9, warthog & everyone else.

I did leave a partner many years ago because I wanted children. It was a major change in my life, since then I STILL haven't had any & I don't now see any prospect of it. I'll have to share everyone else's then give them back

Things haven't changed much for some time, but reading other threads on here made me think again so I started my own.

As to speaking to a good friend, I do. My speaking to all of you is one way of doing this, I do see you as friends. I do talk to other friends, but not all that I've posted at once, just things as they happen like normal.

I have probably overstated things but what I've put really has happened. Now I feel sorry for Dp as I'm sure its not as bad as I've painted it.

I still appreciate ideas though!

Tina said-What was your dad like?
He was an emotional bully.
How did he treat you? How did he treat your mum?
Very dominating, now he's a changed man after they split up many years ago.

Sounds like you are with a carbon copy of your dad.

Can't you see it? Nothing anyone can say here can give you any tips to help you, IMO. The rot is too deep and your partner does not appear to want to make it better- just you. You seem unassertive, meek, clingy, lacking in self-esteem, and deluded.

Please go and seek therapy.

And if this a gay/lesbian relationship, at least have the guts to say so here. Are you Out in RL?

Well you're fixed in your mind that you want to work at. Bit pointless if your DP doesn't though. I won't work if only one of you is trying.

Does your DP want to work at it and make the relationship more healthy and balanced? Coz right now Lady, it is NOT blanced. It's very one sided (going off what you've said) and that isn't healthy.

what a strange thread

tina, why are you so coy about what gender everyone in this set-up is ?

did you think you would be judged for being in a same-sex relationship?

if you did, you are mistaken

you are much more likely to get 's when you speak in riddles like you have done all through this thread

Doodlez said your partner does not appear to want to make it better- just you. You seem unassertive, meek, clingy, lacking in self-esteem, and deluded.

I wonder about this. Perhaps things are ok really & I'm imagining it & just a bit down today. I think things will seem a lot better when I'm back at work & also in the spring.

I don't sound very nice do I?

I do stand up for myself, always have, its just I don't like arguments.

Of course we only have the one side of it here, and you're only posting about the things that bother you, otherwise why post? But from what you've said, it sounds like DP is having it all their way and you give in on absolutely everything. Does DP actually know you are unhappy? If you have tried to explain but got nowhere, the next thing I'd suggest is couple counselling. Maybe you will actually get a word in edgeways with a referee!

You see, you ask what YOU can do to "repair all this", but by the sound of it you're the only one who is interested in improving things. You would BOTH have to want to work at it for things to get better. Your partner won't cuddle you, won't wait for you, won't listen to you. How can you make someone do these things? You can't, unless they actually care that it bothers you. Holding hands in public is nice - I don't think there's enough of it in the world tbh! - but if you can't sit together at the end of the evening when there's no-one else to witness it, it doesn't mean a whole lot. It's like DP has put a mark on you, "this is my property". That isn't love. As for making you sit on your own at a family party - moves away from you, then moves sister's chair away from you as well - what is that all about!

All in all, I really can't help thinking that the deep closeness you feel is all on your side. If this isn't the case, something has to break through that hard shell because it is so unfair on you. But really, from where we're sitting, it looks like a pretty hard nut to crack, if indeed it isn't just as hard on the inside.

Tina- are you a troll?

Sorry. But this is just a really weird thread.

Can't you see the contradiction in your last post- I do stand up for myself.

Err...in what ways do you do that Tina?

And you still haven't answered the questions about being out/gay- not that you need to, but why the secrecy? Do you think you will be judged?

ps Actually you do sound nice. But still deluded! To a certain extent you're projecting your own niceness onto what sounds like a rather grim, self-centred partner. Bless you. I do hope you can work it out.

Tinalane wrote:- "Doodlez said:- your partner does not appear to want to make it better- just you. You seem unassertive, meek, clingy, lacking in self-esteem, and deluded."

Erm, no, no, that's not what I said. Not even close.

Summat amiss here

pp, I am sooo with you

Doolez- she misquoted- It was me who said that PP.

oh thanks WFYIIA .

Anniegetyourgun you are perceptive & put things in a nice way.

You have given me some good things to think about. The closeness isn't only on my side, but I think Dp struggles to show it.

If anyone thinks I am trolling then sorry, please ignore this thread if its bothering you.

Thanks for the good advice, you have given me some food for thought.

"Summat amiss here" said Doodlez

TROLL...

Sorry Doodlez, it was purplepeony.

I'm getting so many replies here I must have got mixed up.

I am reading them all though & appreciate all the replies.

Thanks everyone.

I would say that you cannot repair this already dysfunctional and controlling relationship; it is already dead and the writing has been on the wall for a long time.
Your partner has and continues to show controlling behaviour towards you. Controlling behaviour by its very nature is abusive behaviour.

What you wrote about your Dad was very telling; you learnt a lot of damaging lessons from these people which has now been transferred into your adult relationships. You're with a carbon copy of your Dad.

This relationship is unsustainable. You cannot act as someone's rescuer and or saviour in a relationship and something tells me you want to save this person. The short answer to that is you cannot save someone who does not want to be saved.

You will never be truly happy within this dysfunctional relationship - love your own self for a change. Your self esteem and worth have taken a big battering at the hands of this other person.

mtf ?

male to female ?

bloody hell, more riddles

Tina, all that is bothering me is your lack of openness about your sexuality, and your inability to take a reality check on your situation.

The fact that other relationships have failed and taken a bit of your heart, as you say, is no reason to stay in a relationship that is not working. This is not the last chance saloon. You will meet other people.

Has your partner given you any indication at all that she is unhappy , or wants to work on making it better? Why are you taking all the responsibility for it?

Maybe it would help if you made a list of

1. all the loving things she has done today/this week.
2. all the loving things you have done.
3. all her good points that make youlove her.
4. all the reasons why you want to be with her (apart from this rather airy fairy "I want to be happy with pets and have a nice garden" lark.)

Write it all down.

Tina's profile says she lives with her GF.

I think the OP is a man.

U se of flowery language and rather romantic ideals that are typically male/gay male or transgender.

Thank you for the recent posts that have had some very good advice.

I appreciate it.

Hi tina

Okay, I'm calling it. I don't think you're looking for answers, even if you sincerely believe you are. You're caught in a game, and anyone who makes suggestions is an unwitting player.

The gain? To keep on whipping yourself to shreds for the choices you're making. It's self-punishment and shame by proxy.

Please get counselling. This is a lose-lose-lose situation.