Husband and I having a trial seperation in the New Year ......

[sadperson123]

Hi I found out in October that my H had spent a night in a hotel with another woman (He says he didn't stay all night with her and that she was only a colleague) and we have been at a stalemate since then. He has refused to talk about it at all or explain anything apart from the colleague part,and not admitted to anything.

We argued a lot and I said I would move out with our DS. He eventually (After lots of tears from me and shouting from both of us) agreed for him to move out and for us to have a trial seperation for 6 months in Jan.

The only problem is that he doesn't seem to be trying at all ! We have had a fairly OK Christmas because I haven't made any demands on him to spend time as a family or wanted any attention etc, so all has been calm.

I was wondering if other people had been through this and if it had worked out, and how you told your children. I am absolutely dreading telling our DS, who is very sensitive at the best of times, so I have no idea how he will cope with this, as he adores his Dad.

I was also wondering if anyone had managed to live together for the sake of the children, but lived seperate lives ?

we have slept seperately for a long while now due to his snoring so have lived seperate....ish anyway ?

Hi sadperson, I am sorry. I went through something similar last year, with an equally frustrating lack of info from H. She was also a colleague. 6 months on we're getting divorced and they're together afaik. There was no way round this, it had to play itself out (and tbh he was an idiot for many other reasons anyway)

You are absolutely doing the right thing to be getting on to this now. I really wish I had done earlier. Would he consider counselling at all? From my experience, I couldn't live in a loveless marriage for the dc's. It would have done so much damage to me to try (and did in the year I put up with it)

I really recommend a book called Not Just Friends, available from Amazon. If you do both decide to try and make this work, I imagine it would be really helpful.

We told our children together using a script that we had agreed. A bit awkward as XP has been involved with OW for some time but wasn't prepared to tell the DCs about that. I felt that, although it was awful, best they get they find out about that too at that time rather than drip feeding them info. Wanted to tell them the bare minimum re: OW in a factual rather than a blaming way but as XP would only accept that if I told them rather than him ( surely his news not mine?) we still haven't told them about that.

I too was concerned about how the DCs would take the news, especially as one of the DCs is extremely sensitive. In the end, it hasn't been too bad with the DCs though and the sensitive DC is a little better than before (tbh XH's behaviour over the last year has been pretty cr** so actually nowadays it's mostly just great not to have to put up with his poor behaviour and the house is much more fun).

Separate lives? Don't think I could do that.

I have a very similar thread going on right now, sadperson. I'm sorry you're suffering.

Thanks for all your replies - just wish I had the answer.

H has also told me that he is going to move in with one of my BF's H who are also seperating in Jan. My DS and my friends DS are also BF's at school - what a mess !

I just think that it's going to turn into a "woman hating zone" and a "boys house", and I have told H that if he moves there then we will defo end up divorced. He just said that he was only moving out because I had forced him to, and that I wasn't allowed an opinion on where he lives.

I explained that I was worried about other children knowing where he was living and seeing him and telling DS at school, but he just thinks that I am saying all of this to annoy him and make life difficult - but I am thinking of DS.

he says that he doesn't want to end the marriage but them makes no effort at all.(sad)

Oh yes also meant to say that he wants us to tell DS that he is only moving out to help my BF H cook - WTF !

How confused will that make him as he will think that his Daddy would rather live with someone else to help them cook that his own Son !!!

When I said that I thought this was wrong he went mad saying that I was complicating it and making it more than it was.

Is this me !!!

What do you expect to achieve from a trial seperation? Surely if you aren't managing to talk about this problem now you certainly wont be able to when your apart. I personally don't agree in trial seperations, you are distancing yourselves even further and when he leaves you will be seperating....no trial about it.

30 years ago my mum told me that her and my dad were having a trial separation for 6 months, for years after that I thought that they would eventually get back together, they never did. Sounds so stupid as an adult but as a kid u hold onto these small hopes. Dont tell DS it is only temporary if u think it wont be.

My DH has now moved out and the kids are suppering but at least they are not living with a false hope as I did for my childhood.

Good luck

suffering

had a few too many beers here!

I'd say you need to talk not move out.
what are you hoping to achieve by the separation?

Is a one night stand/fling worth ending your marriage over? Are you just seeking revenge by asking him to go- or suggesting the separation?

Better to discuss what is wrong in it and try to work together on rebuilding it. Given that you have lived what seems to be a loveless marriage for so long, is it any wonder he looked elsewhere?

Hi All

Thanks for your replies, I agree that a trial seperation probably isn't the answer - when I asked my H to move out I was still in the hurt/angry phase and just needed some space to think, but that was back in October and I have now calmed down, but it seems that my H thinks that is still what I want.

He has never ever been a good commincator and over the last 4/5 years think have got even worse - I'm a very sensitive (and probably high maintenance type of person) who needs to talk talk talk, and he just is a typical man who doeasn't. We have always had a bumpy relationship, but we used to always make up, but over the last year we have definitely had more bad times than good.

I have spent the whole of this years talking/begging him to like/love me and he has said some very hurtful things to me - eg: none of my friends really like me they just put up with me - he doesn't know if he loves me or likes me (This was after I suggested we went out on our own for an evening as DS was with his MIL). I have ended up on antidepressants and seeing a counsellor (Not all H fault as my Mum is also very ill, but I have had no support from him !)

I asked him initially to move out - and us to really talk and him to tell me what he wants - I don't blame him for the OW as things have been very strained between us for a long time, but I do blame him for letting me try and try all year to make him love me when he was obviously getting his pleasure and enjoyment from someone else.

I am also angry that he is preapred to let our family be torn apart, by not wanting to talk to me and to tell me the truth (But to be honest I'm not sure he knows how to tell the truth any more !)

He has agreed to go to relate but we are on a waiting list and whilst we are waiting he still wont talk (But TBH I have given up trying now!) He told a good friend of mine how much he still loved me the other week, whilst we were at a children's panto, but them still went out afterwards with another guy rather than coming home with me to talk to me.

The sort of things I want are for us to learn to laugh together again - have a meal in with a bottle of wine every now and then - have family meals when he's not at work, and not for me and DS to eat whilst he is at the pub - for him to care about me and be protective towards me etc etc - am I asking too much - sometimes I feel I am.

He isn't a bad person but maybe we've just grown too far apart to get it back, as we were once so happy.

Ho hum makes me feel so sad that we have to tell our DS, and for my marriage to be in such a mess and for me to be a failure.

I'm missing the bit where you are a failure. You can't FORCE him to love and cherish you or, for that matter, to be faithful to you. Of course you're not perfect, nobody is. But it sounds like you've been doing everything you can for your marriage, while he, not to put too fine a point upon it, hasn't. It takes two to tango, and he ain't dancin'. Please try to feel a bit better about yourself.

don't give up- he sound as confused and hurt as you do.

Give him a big hug, get a bottle out and both agree to start again. And keep your relate appt.

We are having some 'time out' inthe new year after 6 months of Relate counselling. I don't actually think my marriage will work out, but I feel that I have tried other things before that step. And it will just give me time to listen to my doubts before closing all the doors. I definately recommend Relate. Won't guarantee to keep couples together but does help you work out what you want and give you the support you need at this traumatic time. I'm going to keep going to talk about my doubts and fears. Mostly now I'm worried about how my (older) children will react, financial and practical implications etc. It's scary!! I'm in my 40s and have never lived alone. But it's my decision and for the best.

Hi All/Serenity

I know exaclty how you feel - I'm 39 - have been with H for 11 years, prior to that I was single for a lot of my 20's - but it's simpler then isn't it ?

I just can't cope with what it will do to my little boy - he is such a sensitive sole and is only 6 1/2 - what's even worse for me is that exaclty the same thing happened to me - my parents seperated when I was the same age - which is one of the reasons I am so desperate for it not to happen.

Part of me thinks that things will improve when he's not here - but I can't get over the fact that it will hurt DS beyond belief. We do argue but not loudly and very very rarely in front of our DS - which is why it will come as more of a shock to him that to a child who's parents scream at each other all of the time...... I think !

We are on the waiting list for relate and I will chase them up in the new year - I wonder if having intensive relate sessions (eg every week) for a short period of time whilst still living together and then making a decision at the end of it would work better than a trial seperation ????

How have you found relate ? have you both been able to talk whilst there ? I am worried that my H will say what is expected of him at relate but then not put any promises into action. We did go when DS was 18mths old and he promised the world but didn't come good on any of it.

It's all just such a mess isn't it ?

My H also thinks that he can come home every night until DS goes to bed and then will drive up to his rented "boys" house - when I said that was hardly a trial seperation he wasn't impressed and said it was his house and he could come and go as he pleased !!!

He has been a lot better over Xmas - helping out and clearing up etc, but I haven't asked him to do any family stuff or tried to get him to talk etc. I just keep thinking that I can't go on without any love or affection for the rest of my life - and he seems to be at the point when he wont give it (Probably due to the other woman - which he still denies there is !!!)

Relate has been really good, though painful. A safe environment to discuss properly without flying off the handle or running from or avoiding issues. I went expecting to be challenged and having to compromise. However a lot of stuff was brought to light. Suggestions of what to do were given, but unfortunately my H didn't/couldn't take the advice given. You can't do anything about that but it does help you make your mind up as to what to do. I was very surprised to realise through the sessions that things hadn't been quite right for years and that with a busy life, kids work etc we hadn't really developed our relationship. I think it helped me to understand what was missing.

We did some intensive sessions at the beginning, then some a little bit further apart in order to work on agreed things, and recently some sessions alone which have been really helpful too. I think without it my head would be still spinning in circles (well more than it does now!) It has also give time and effort to work on a relationship I've been in for well over half my life. Despite wanting to walk months ago, I'm glad to have gone through this process. Otherwise I may always have had doubts. I'd definately do it if I were you. Isn't there more than one Relate counsellor in your area? Ring them and say you are desperate!!!!!

I've never seen a trial separation result in anything other than a permanent break in the end. But it may be that this is the right outcome for you.

I'd definitely advice counselling though. My dp found that it quietly confirmed his certainty about the end of his marriage. His ex had, of course, hoped it would send him back to the marital home! Years later (I was nothing to do with their break-up, incidentally) they both say that it was enormously beneficial to talk to someone who didn't, personally, care (iyswim) and who could offer the chance for all discussions to break free from the inevitable vicious circle that resulted from every one-to-one talk.

Don't rule any practical arrangements out either. If your DS is comforted by seeing his father every night, let him visit but the main thing to avoid is your son associating conflict with contact. Don't assume that any children unconnected with the family will be the slightest bit interest in where your husband might live though, let alone discuss it negatively with your son at school.

PS. Counselling would assist your problems with self-esteem too. Only you are taking far too much responsibility for your husband's behaviour.

If you are having a trial seperation, you have to enter into it with clear ideas about what has to change, or happen in order for it to work again.

I did this with my ex-H and once he had moved out and shown he was not interested in changing any behaviour, or talking about what had gone wrong I phoned a divorce lawyer.

We both sat down with the DCs (3 under 10) and told them that mummy and daddy still adored them but didnt love each other anymore.

We are now both married to other people and the kids seem remarkably unaffected by it all. We have worked very very hard to stay amicable, and keep all conversations civil. Hard work but well worth it.

Hi All

Thanks again for your messages - it really makes me feel I am not alone when you all take time to reply.

Serenity - I will take your advice and call them tomorrow and ask for an urgent appointment. Did your H agree to things whilst at relate and then not change at all ?? This is what I think my H will do, as he's very clever and can manipulate situations (Making him sounds horrible - he's not just very good at making everything my fault !). Are you still going for a trial seperation in the NY ? how old are your children ? sorry all these questions.

Pikelit - thanks for your reply - I realise that a trial seperation is probably the road the divorce, and I keep changing my mind every day - so today I was thinking "I can't it to our DS and the relationship we once had" but then go on to check our bank out, and find that he has spent a large sum of money in a shop where he gave me gifts to the value of £25 but has spent £130 - he doesn't buy anyone else in the family as I do all the buying - so who the hell is it for ? he is also still hiding his phone (Well keeping it from me )so then I'm back to this has to end - soooo confused !

Big Bad - your reply has given me some hope - as I have this fear that I am going to ruin my DS's life - was there anyone else involved ? my H just WONT talk to me about anything ever, and because things are calm at the mo - I'm too scared to bring it up as it may cause a row and then a bad atmosphere for DS - I wish wish wish he would just tell me what he wants - I think what I want from him he can't give (Eg: the affection, lots of love and attention - putting me and our DS before his pub friends - being happy when out on family trips - caring about me even when I'm being ridiculous - listening to me without getting all control freaky on me and telling me what to do etc). I may sound like a selfish person, wanting lots of attention but I am very sensitive and insecure (And always have been even before we met) I think some of it was due to my Dad leaving when I was younger (Another reason why I'm so worried about my DS).

I know the saying if I'm OK he will be OK but is that true ???

He wont even tell me when he's going so that I can make plans. He is a total ostrich - but then again HE always had been like that. I think I want him to be something he isn't able to be....!

Really sad as I think in his own warped way he does still love me..! but then that makes me sound like a feeble doormat as I'm sure he is still in touch with the OW.

sadperson123 my situation is different to yours in that my children are actually all grown up, the youngest is in late teens. However, they are very upset that things are going wrong for us. As young adults they sometimes see the world through rose coloured spectacles. They can be rather judgmental in that they see things in black and white. They still see us as thier parents rather than as just human beings. I think it was their growing up after the whirlwind of parenting that made me realise that things weren't right for us as a couple. Too busy to notice myself any earlier!
I just wanted to respond earlier to tell you how worthwhile Relate is. We are going for trial separation in NY. My H is incapable of change. Huge part of our problem! Relate will help you, I'm sure, to come to the right decision for you and to come to terms with what is happening and to rebuild your life with or without your H.

Keep posting! It's not an easy journey we are on!

Hi

I don't think it matters what age children are - they still find parents seperating really difficult.

I have attempted to talk to my H tonight with disasterous consequences.

I asked him if he had been in contact with he OW and if he bought her a present for Christmas - he just sneered at me then laughed and then started a tirade of abuse.

He was furious that I had been thro his bank account (It's our joint acc on the same internet site as well) and told me that he was going to change all of the passwords, demanded some savings we have back, and was furious that I would dare to question him on his spending.

He then told me that I was a was a stuck up bitch - I lived and sponged off him and that I didn't appreciate anything he did for me - I then (Probably stupidly) said did he expect me to kiss his feet every night - which sent him mad and he stomped off saying I was stupid and compared me to anyone he didn't like (eg: My brother/step mother etc etc).

He also said that I had changed from when he met me - as when we met I had a good career and that I understood what he went thro at work - I said that unless he talked to me I couldn't. He then went on to say that I took everything for granted - eg: house etc, and I said that I couldn't work at the moment - as I wanted to be there for our DS - during the week and holidays, to which he said he would give up work and then he could do the same..! I gave up my career as I really struggled with childcare once our DS went to school, as my H was never supportive - he expetced me to have a good job as long as it didn't interferre with his life of mean that he had to do any of the childcare. Then last April I did go back to work P/T but had to give up after 4 weeks as my Mum has a really bad accident and I was travelling 1 1/2 hrs each way to go and see her, she now has pneumonia and is in hospital nearer but is very poorly so I am seeing her every day. I asked him how he expected me to work with all this on my plate - and he said "There's always a drama with you".

I ended up hysterical with him shouting at me and me saying that he couldn't make me feel any worse or crap about myself than I already did - I had to scream at him to shut up in the end as I was starting to have a panic attack.

I also tried to ask him when he would move out and if we could agree to tell our DS together, to which he said he couldn't think about date as every time he did he felt really ill - so I asked him to tell me when he had decided and he said he would.

What a disaster - and tomorrow night we are out with the neighbours so I have got to try and put a brave face on....!

When we have rows like this I just want to run away.

I kept asking him why he hadn't tried - and he said I was a really difficult person to like and love, and I said why wont you have a meal with me - and he said he didn't want to ...!

I think I may have my answer

Thanks for all your kind replies - I really do appreciate them.

Sorry the message is so long - I needed to rant and I can't ring a friend up as he will hear me.

You rant away lovely!! That's Ok!! We are listening!!!

He seems pretty defensive. You have every right to look at statements for joint accounts!

You are not sponging, you are parenting your child!!! It's a worthwhile, fulfilling full time job and bloody hard work!!!

Does he expect that you will sit there and just take it when he calls you a 'stuck up bitch'? Of course you will react! It's human. And your reaction could have been a lot worse btw.

Sounds like you have such a lot on your plate with your mum too!!! That can't be easy physically or emotionally!! He should be kissing your feet if anything!!!! He should be showing more empathy for your situation! His reference to you being overly dramatic and his rage seem a bit narcissistic to me!

I have to say that I find having to 'keep up an appearance' very difficult atm too!!! And certainly identify with wanting to run away! Have wanted to do that many times over the years.

How many other people like and love you? I can assure you, you are worthy of love!!

If I were you I'd probably book Relate and keep discussions for then. It takes time that way though! But worth it!

Take care of yourself sweetie. Be kind to youself. Don't believe any put downs!!!

Hi Serenity

How are things - did you have a good NY ?

Things between my H and I have calmed down again, but only because I again haven't made any demands on his time etc - he is being OK with us all and we managed a day in the house together yesterday with no problem.

When is your H due to leave ? how did you manage to pin him down to a date ? my H refuses to tell me when he is going - I think it's because he is hoping I will change my mind and everything can go back to normal (Well as normal as a dysfunctional relationship can be !)

I am dreading it if we do split up permanently as he is sooo obsessed with money it will all be really nasty.

I keep changing my mind all of the time, not for me but for my DS who is still clueless as to what is going on.

Ho hum - happy New Year and all that.

Take care

bump- any news?

Hiya, it will be a happy new year because our reactions to life are within our control! We create our own happiness it does not come from an outside source. Think of this as an adventure! As you can tell I'm in pretty positive mood. I have made peace with the idea of seperation being the right thing for us. I don't hate H, far from it, he is an ok bloke. But we are so different! Incompatible. And he frustrates the hell out of me! I don't hate him but have lost respect for him. It's hard on here to tell your story incase you are recognised. And normally I wouldn't care what people thought but I haven't told my kids yet or other significant people. So I need to be careful with the detail.

No fixed date yet. A lot of family discussion and a lot if practical and financial stuff to sort first! But it's all moving forward slowly, even just in that I have time to come to terms with it in my own head!

Don't rush decisions. Don't close doors too quickly. listen to your doubts. You will recognise the right answer eventually and feel at peace with it.

Create your own HappybNew Year!!!

Take Care xxx