Husband and I having a trial seperation in the New Year ......

[sadperson123]

Hi I found out in October that my H had spent a night in a hotel with another woman (He says he didn't stay all night with her and that she was only a colleague) and we have been at a stalemate since then. He has refused to talk about it at all or explain anything apart from the colleague part,and not admitted to anything.

We argued a lot and I said I would move out with our DS. He eventually (After lots of tears from me and shouting from both of us) agreed for him to move out and for us to have a trial seperation for 6 months in Jan.

The only problem is that he doesn't seem to be trying at all ! We have had a fairly OK Christmas because I haven't made any demands on him to spend time as a family or wanted any attention etc, so all has been calm.

I was wondering if other people had been through this and if it had worked out, and how you told your children. I am absolutely dreading telling our DS, who is very sensitive at the best of times, so I have no idea how he will cope with this, as he adores his Dad.

I was also wondering if anyone had managed to live together for the sake of the children, but lived seperate lives ?

we have slept seperately for a long while now due to his snoring so have lived seperate....ish anyway ?

sad, I completely know how hard this is. Although it's really really tough now, I think you will soon feel better, and in time there is no way you'd ever want him back.

You mention that your H might be a bit tricky with money. If you can, you should sort some practicalities asap and preferably before he goes. Find any documents you can around the house relating to finances - bills, pension docs, payslips etc and photocopy the lot. Seal them up and give them to a friend, or hide them in a very good place. Make sure you have online banking details for all joint accounts so you can keep an eye on them. Make sure you have some cash available to you which isn't in a joint account, so you can use it if you need to.

Apply for a credit card in your name (if you haven't already.) I had no idea how much I'd disadvantaged my position by not having my own cards, just joint ones.

Keep talking to friends or family, or all of us on here. Feel free to CAT me if you like, I'll happily chat to you on email.

Most importantly, take care of yourself. Be honest with your ds, but keep it simple. He doesn't need to be involved in the complexities of it all, just to understand that Daddy's going to his new house on Sunday.

Thanks everyone.

Tired: I don't know how to CAT someone (bit of a MN simpleton !) would you be able to tell me how ???

Life got even more rubbish last night (If that was possible).

My StepMum rang me up yesterday and started talking to me about my H facebook account, I was completely confused as I didn't know he had one. She told me that he asked asked my Dad to be his friend (Why I don't know) and he had accepted, been onto his acc, and there were some photographs of H with DS. He also had 4 friends and one of them was a very attractive girl. She has some photographs, and one of them was of her in Cornwall with a wetsuit on and she was sure that it was H car behind.

I was so shocked (Don't know why really) so we tried to go on but he had de-friended them, so I found another way of going on, and most of the photographs had dissapeared, but one was left and I and saw it was the same woman who had been to our house and played on the Wii with DS whilst I was out one day.

My H had gone out one night and said he would be home at 9pm, came in at 4am we had an almighty row - he said he had been with his friend and girlfriend and that he had gone back to his friends house. Someone had stolen his battery out of his car key (hmmm) so the girlfriend had popped round to bring it back and stayed and played with Oliver for 2 1/2 hrs.

The same woman (Well think she's about 27) came to a party at our house with her boyfriend (!!!!) and my H ignored me all night.

When I looked at the photograph more closely I thought that I recognised the wetsuit, so me and my BF went through all my photographs last night, and lo and behold it was MINE.... !

So not only had he told me that it was a works trip to Cornwall (I don't think she works for my H firm), but she was wearing my bloody wetsuit.

I can't belive this betrayal, although you all did say more would come out.

I just don't know how to cope with seeing him tonight, and I'm supposed to be on two family trips with him at the weekend - both with his family !!!

I have also tried to log into his facebook acc too many times this morning, and it has locked me out, so he will know when he logs on!

What can I say - it never rains.

You all keep me going though, I couldn't log on to MN last night and was frantic. Have got fab friends in RL though, but it's great to hear another person's perspective who doesn't know me and isn't involved.

HELP !!!!!

Sadperson, I am so sorry to hear about the latest news.

Ok, he has betrayed you in the most terrible way, her in your wetsuit, how despicable.

So now it is time for damage limitation for you. Dry your tears and get angry, because it is now time to look out for yourself and your little one.

As Tiredofthe rain said, make photocopies of wage slips, bank accounts, saving accounts, pension, mortgage statement, car documents, insurance policies, life insurance etc. Get in touch with your family and make a clean break up plan, where do you want to live etc, what about finances.

Go and see a solicitor to see exactly what you are entitled to. Play the sad little wife for as long as you can because he is going to play dirty so do not raise any of his suspicions.

Again, I am really sorry to hear about the news but you have to look out for yourself and your little one because I don't think your H is going to do it for you.

Hi Dutch

Thanks for your message. Great advice.

I did go and see a solicitor a while back when the hotel room incident occured, and they did write to him and ask him about going to mediation, that is when he agreed to go to relate. I do need to get another one, as my original solicitor was quite young and nice, I need old mean and vengeful now - lol ! does anyone have any suggestions ???

I have already moved some payslips and am in the process of downloading statements etc, whilst I still have access to the accounts.

I am definitely not going to tell him I know this information, and I am going to go along with it all until Sunday.

I think if I tell him what I know he will refuse to move out, as he only agreed to it if we were going to try and make the marriage works (WTF !).

Feel a lot more angry today - intermingled with absolute tears and devastation.

My life and my wonderful DS's life will never be the same again, because the family life just wasn't enough !!

I am hoping that I can stay in the house until it is either sold or he has bought me out, and I am going to go and look and some houses next week.

God - this is supposed to be getting better not worse.

Oh God... why do these things also play out in such a bloody cliched way? So many similarities, you wouldn't believe.. I think all morals go out of the window when someone else becomes involved.

So so sorry, but Dutch's advice is spot on -and at least you are starting to learn who you're dealing with. That was quite empowering for me, and made me realise that I totally needed to look out for myself and the dc's.

I would bet that this trial separation is a way for him to "try before he buys" with the single life. If it isn't what he expects he has the option of returning home, if he likes what he finds I don't think you'd see him for dust. So selfish and cowardly but sadly very typical.

The CAT thing means you can email me privately if you like - I think if you click on the contact poster button by this post it should take you to it. Alternatively you need to change your settings to allow posters to contact you. I'm a few months further on in the same process, and am happy to pass on any useful advice I've received, legal and otherwise!!

I really hope you're ok today. Use the anger to move things on. This mess is HIS doing and not yours!!!

Is the wetsuit girl the same one as the hotel one btw??

Hi Sad

What a twunt. When I realised that XH was lying though his teeth a switch flicked inside me and I went from upset and anxious to much tougher. You may well do the same. I had tried for so long to make it work, whilst he had lied and cheated and consistently told me that I was causing issues by getting overly anxious (yeah well perhaps trying living with someone who buys a webcam, moves into the spare bedroom and locks the door)!

Just focus on yourself and your DC now. You've done nothing wrong and will come through it sucessfully. Your H however, well it's up to him isn't it

sad, hope you're ok and getting some support. This sounds rotten for you. You'll get through it.