Husband and I having a trial seperation in the New Year ......

[sadperson123]

Hi I found out in October that my H had spent a night in a hotel with another woman (He says he didn't stay all night with her and that she was only a colleague) and we have been at a stalemate since then. He has refused to talk about it at all or explain anything apart from the colleague part,and not admitted to anything.

We argued a lot and I said I would move out with our DS. He eventually (After lots of tears from me and shouting from both of us) agreed for him to move out and for us to have a trial seperation for 6 months in Jan.

The only problem is that he doesn't seem to be trying at all ! We have had a fairly OK Christmas because I haven't made any demands on him to spend time as a family or wanted any attention etc, so all has been calm.

I was wondering if other people had been through this and if it had worked out, and how you told your children. I am absolutely dreading telling our DS, who is very sensitive at the best of times, so I have no idea how he will cope with this, as he adores his Dad.

I was also wondering if anyone had managed to live together for the sake of the children, but lived seperate lives ?

we have slept seperately for a long while now due to his snoring so have lived seperate....ish anyway ?

Hi All

I have had a conversation with my H this morning, and asked him in a very calm nice way when he is planning on moving out - I was dreading it as the last time I tried to talk to him I had a barrage of abuse for about an hour of so.

This time however he was very reasonable and has said that we will tell our DS at the weekend and he will move out over the next week.

I am in such a state - glad because it will give us the space we desperately need, but terrified of telling our DS, who has only told me this week that he hopes Daddy and I never split up (He said this because two of his friends at school, their parents have recently seperated).

We are planning on telling him on Saturday. Has anyone any advice of how to tell him and what reaction to expect ?

I was planning on saying that we love him very much and that this isn't his fault, that he will still see his Daddy etc etc, but just don't know how he will react ?

HELP - am dreading it !!

Hi, all sad I know but glad that you've agreed when he's going as it will all start to get better I'm sure, once he goes.

Would just suggest sitting down and telling him together as clearly and kindly as possible. And make sure that you both agree what you're going to say. If you google for some suggestions, you'll find some useful stuff on the web to help I think.

In terms of reactions, I was greeted with silence and then the DCs went out with their friends quietly. I think they realised things were not ok before but didn't expect a split.

TBH, you may well find it goes better than you expect (although I know it's a horrible horrible thing to have to do).

I am quite spooked by your post of 31st Dec. You honestly could be married to my soon to be XH. With him, I realised he couldn't respect me in the role of SAHM, no matter how hard I worked. I was also told I'd changed, didn't understand him etc etc.

With this sort of person I don't think it's easy to change their mindset. I left, and am glad I did so before he whittled away my self esteem.

3 months on he is now openly with the OW. She is a manager where he works and he's had a hand in advancing her career..!

And if it's a comfort, the dc's seem remarkably unaffected so far. I really hope you can work this out.

Thanks so much for your replies - I think my self esteem went such a long time ago.

As I said when we first met I was fiesty - a career woman who wasn't really interested in having children, and had my own money so if H said he didn't want me to do something or didn't like something I generally went ahead and did it anyhow (like buying the car I wanted, furniture I liked etc).

But now I am like a shadow of my former self, I don't really go out - I am quiet when we are out - I rarely let myself go - very rarely drink as I am to scacred that if I do I will either get angry - or generally (Which is more common) I cry !!!

On NY eve - I made my DS stay by my side for the 12 O clock celebrations(maybe infairly - but not in a needy way on a "Stay here for the countdown"), and when everyone started to sing "Auld Lang syne" I went to the toilet and cried as it was soo sad. DS said when I got back that I had missed the song and that he wanted me and H to sing the song again for me - I mean is that a sign that he knows how sad I am ??? I don't know.

My H is also so very sad - He is so angry whenever I talk to him as though he blames me for his unhappiness - maybe it is me - I doubt myself so much these days.

He isn't a bad person - he doesn't scream and shout at me in front of our DS, but he is very cold and unresponsive towards me - but maybe I've made him that way as for the last few years I tend to shy away from him. I remember NYE 2008 - when the toast came round for NY day I said to him "Why don't you like me" I mean that was over 12months ago.

Then my BF reminded me that I was saying to her that when DS was 10months old I was trying to get H to have a night out just the two of us as things weren't great - it says it all really. I feel as thought for the last few years all of the effort has been from me, but nothing in return, and now just anger.

I hope the break will make him decide what he wants and give me some space to try and be happy.

Tired: Are you much happier now ? I read a lot of your posts as you were so very sad a while ago ? how are the children when they have seen your H ? Do you have tears when he drops them off ? Have you managed to remain on good terms with your ExH ? How old are you DC ?

Ifyourehappy: Thanks for the advice I will go and google it now. I think our DS will be very distressed as he was crying about his BF's parents seperating the other night. Maybe like you say though he has seen and heard more than I imagine ?

Thanks for your support it really means a great deal.

Sad, I really feel for you. It's as difficult for you right now as it's going to be. A few months on, I feel a mixture of emotions - sad that the family unit isn't going to stay together, it's never what I'd have wished for, I feel angry that he dared treat me that way ( I bet you will too when you look back in a few months time) and also some relief and optimism for the future.

Relationships shouldn't be like that, with you not even liking one another. Moving on is the best thing you can do, and although I'm sure your ds will be very upset initially, he will come to accept it and one day appreciate that you are better off parenting separately.

The emotional distancing is very common when men are involved in affairs apparently. It's all part of the justification process. Be prepared that more might come out yet. It definitely sounds suspicious about the unaccounted spend on Xmas presents - his reaction to you asking was also cruel. Is there any way you can find out more about the other woman involved? I felt empowered by learning more about her.

Hi

Just ended up having yet another row with H (thought this reasonable person would dissapear !). H came home tonight after being away and I asked if we could discuss how we would tell DS tomorrow, about him leaving.

He said he wanted to tell him on Sunday, I said that I thought Saturday would be a better day as it gave DS time to adjust to the news before going back to school on Monday.

I suggested that we could tell him in the morning, and I thought he could maybe take him up to see his new house whilst I was visiting my Mum in hospital (I thought it would give H and DS time to chat on their own and for DS to ask his Daddy any questions). H totally disagreed (Just because I had suggested it I think !).

I said that I had been out and bought him a new quilt, he looked at me like crap and said "Oh well I've been and bought my own" so I said "Oh I'll take it back then" to which he just looked at me like dirt again.

He then started to have another go at me - swearing etc about him wanting to be in his fxxkin house for a morning before I ruined it etc. I started to cry and said that I couldn't cope with him having another go at me and left the room, and went and sat in the other lounge.

I started to cry and just couldn't stop, but then went back in as we couldn't talk about it in the morning as DS would be around.

He again started having a go - saying that I was only thinking of myself and that I only wanted to tell DS in the morning as that suited me and my plans for the day. I tried to say the reason why and that it would give us the rest of the weekend to support DS. He wouldn't have it at all (The look of hate in his eyes was horrible).

I cried again which made him more annoyed with me, eventually I said "I was going to tell DS in the morning" (Silly of me !) and he said that if I did he would tell DS why he was going (What that he had spent a night in a hotel with another woman ?).

So he has now stormed off to bed without agreeing what we say or giving me a date when he will go.

Sometimes when he is reasonable I think "how can I do this to DS" then when he is like this I just want to run away.

Sorry for the rant - any thoughts of how to react and what to do, would be massively appreciated.

Oh dear, it sounds really difficult. Stay as strong as you can, try not to cry in front of him as it gives him the power. Tell your ds tomorrow afternoon if you have to, but I totally understand why you want to give him time before you return to school. Be really strong in front of him, I can't think your H would tell him too many details, it really wouldn't be appropriate and hopefully he'd have the sense to realise that.

For later on, I read a book on divorce which really helped me - it said that as soon as you separate, you should consider your relationship to be business only. Don't buy him anything, don't discuss anything personal, purely the children or finances.

It's so very difficult to start with, but does get easier over time. I've been doing this a few weeks and it's helped me cope. I no longer ask about OW at all, I wouldn't trust H's response to be true, and knowing details won't help me heal. We only talk about the children. It's so strange, after a years of marriage, but this is the way it needs to be, and it makes it much easier to cope. Thinking of you, let us know how you get on.

Thank you so much Tired - I need someone to tell me it's going to be OK at the moment as I didn't sleep at all last night and am now really struggling to hold it together.

Am I doing the right thing ??? Maybe my H is so angry towards me because he feels I am making him move out, and that I am cold towards him etc.

But when I ask him questions about the "Colleague" he just goes mad and wont talk about it - Was your H like this - eg: not admitting anything, saying you were over reacting and just saying they were friends ? Did your H want to move out - as mine definitely doesn't want to ?

My H also is always hiding his phone - but maybe he is doing that to annoy me, as he does that quite a lot of the time, as though I am some small child who needs to be taught a lesson.

I think time apart will really do us good, and combined with relate we can then decide if we can carry on.

He seems a bit calmer today, but he always is when DS is around - just cold and uncommunicative.

I can hear ms Darling DS playing in the lounge on his laptop and I just want to weep for him.

Why when we are single do we make such rubbish choices about the men we are with, as years down the line we are hurting the people we care about the most when we realise this was a mistake.

He is not angry because you are doing anything wrong. He is angry because HE is doing something wrong and guilt hurts. He has therefore to blame you. If he liked and respected you he would be a Bad Man to have a bit on the side. As he does not want to be a Bad Man, you have therefore to be unworthy of liking or respect. He is treating you like a piece of dirt for his own reasons, and nothing you can do at this time is going to bring him round. However you are NOT a piece of dirt. (Whether he is, is another question.) You are a human being with rights and feelings that he wants to trample all over. And your DS is another human being with rights and feelings that his horrible behaviour is trampling all over.

If you must cry, hon, cry with fury at what he is daring to do to you and DC. And then dry your eyes and start finding out what your legal rights are. It will really help you negotiate the next phase of your relationship if you are strong and well informed. Appealing to his conscience is currently unproductive as he is determinedly not listening to it. This may change, as you hope, when he's had a taste of living apart - and sees what it will cost him to make it permanent. Depends how serious it is with the "only a colleague", I guess.

SadPerson - keep going, you will be ok

I had deja vu when reading your last post as EVERYTHING matched my situation.

Cold and uncommunicative, refusing to answer questions about OW (suddenly this person seemed to have "rights" not afforded to me?), saying I was overreacting, etc.

I think that, like me, once you have told DS and he has gone, at least part of you will feel elated (I say "at least part", for me I was on a real high for some time and the part of my stomach that had felt cr** for so long felt good again ).

Sad, yes. Yes you are absolutely doing the right thing. Once you're at the cold and uncommunicative stage, you need to act before living like this starts to chip away all of your self esteem. It's a really brave thing you're doing. See it through.

And yes again to the refusal to share details. Once I'd read a book called "Not just friends" which is a brilliant book about infidelity, I realised that we had no chance of rebuilding trust if H wouldn't tell me what had happened. It's the only way you can get through it and move on. I found the continual lies and denial infuriating.

In the end H didn't really resist leaving the house, but he tried to stay for several weeks, and even wanted to share our bed until I almost literally booted him out. I think he'd have been happy carrying on a dual life until I made it clear I wasn't having it. I realised I'd been running a bit of a hotel for him at home, we have a large comfortable house where he had his washing done, meals made etc - what incentive would he have to leave?

I hope it goes as well as it can do today. Will check back later and see how you're getting on.

Yes, I'd forgotten that permanent feeling of nervous tension in my stomach. Almost gone now.. !

And I've never seen anyone as proficient at guarding their phone as H. It was glued to him at all times. Months on, turns out loads of family and friends had clocked this and registered it as dodgy behaviour but not said anything to me..!

Thank you all so so much.

I went to see my Mum in hospital at luchtime and rang a friend on the way, and just cried and cried and cried - felt like a total failure that I as ruining my DS's life, that he would forever be confused and feel abondoned etc etc. Then had a chat with my Mum, who has enough of her own problems, she has a broken neck which has resulted in her being paralysed from the shoulders down, and now pneumonia, which she is luckily recovering from. My Mum was a bit more scathing (Having been through it herself many years ago) and said I shouldn't feel sorry for him, that he wont ever change etc. Not really helpful (but probably true), so again I cried. Felt sick all the way home knowing we would have to tell DS.

We have just sat down and told DS, and he looked shocked and sad (his face flushed). My H said that he was going for a little while (good) then said that he would be back all of the time, evening etc(Not so good) and then when DS asked how long he would be gone for he said "Oh not long" (really not fair), but I couldn't say anything as we would have disagreed in front of DS.

That said he has taken it quite well, and DS and H have gone off to buy a bed to put in the new house, so DS is quite excited at the mo. DS asked H when he was going, and he replied soon (God I could murder him - DS needs clarity and facts, not wishy washy comments).

I will again try and ask H tonight when he plans to leave, but no doubt it will end in a row....!

Thanks so much for all your support - I don't think, when it's late at night and I can't ring RL people I would have got through the last few weeks/months without you MN's.

I'm sure it's the start of a long hard slog, but at least the day's ahead cannot get any worse than today (but maybe I'm kidding myself) - I feel emotionally totally drained and have a horrible headache, but hey ho one hurdle down and all that.

Hi sad, well done, it must have been hard. I think you do need to give your ds as much concrete info as you can for his sake. Now you've told him about the new house, your H needs to go asap. As for coming back, do you really think that will happen? If not, try not to promise your ds anything at this stage. (I know you realise that, it sounds like your H is being an idiot there..)

It is hard, it's horribly, agonisingly hard. I had a headache for months, I felt like I had no energy at all. I am starting to feel better now though (and I say that even though today has been a tough day!), and you will too.

Hope your mum makes a good recovery btw, sounds awful for her.

Hi

Gosh tired I think I have got the same headache as you - I also feel lethargic with a total lack of energy and enthusiam for anything - I used to be quite hyper and always on the go - but lately I struggle just to get DS up and to school in the mornings !

I saw a friend earlier today, and ended up in tears saying that I feel a total failure and maybe all the problems were my fault. I just think that H really doesn't want to go and if the OP was serious then surely he would be desperate to go ????? maybe I am kidding myself !

DS has gone to bed fine - he did ask if I would stay when he goes to Daddy's new house to which I said no - he then looked a bit sad and I said "Do you still want to go and stay" to which he said "Yes as Daddy has bought him a big teddy bear" so I suppose it went a lot better than it could have done.

Still feel really weird and have asked H when he is going to go as we need to tell DS. He said that he was planning on going some point next week, and he wasn't going to take much stuff with him !!!!

So the days/weeks go on - will I ever feel normal again ?

Tired: you give me hope that these feelings will pass - I hope some miracle will happen and that my H - admits to the whole lot - apologises and makes massive changes to his behaviour so that we can move on from here - alas I don't think it will happen - leopards and spots and all that !

Thanks again for your replies - they along with RL friends are keeping me sane..... ish

Try to move your life on rather than wait for the miracle, I spent a year feeling the same, expecting him to come to his senses, but he never did. Even now he's told his best friend that we simply "grew apart." No mention of OW, funnily enough..

I think if you haven't, you probably do need to go and see a solicitor, just to find out where you stand. I know it's scary, but the more control you can take at this stage, the stronger you'll be long term.

You will definitely get through this and feel better, but to deal with it you have to experience all the stages, and that isn't pleasant I'm afraid. I'm only just now at the point where there are more ok bits than not, to start with it was horrible. I can start to see how in future it could be heaps better, and being rid of the eggshells feeling is wonderful tbh.

Counselling has helped immensely. I don't blame myself any more, and can see how silly and selfish H is.

Hi how have things been today?

Hi

Things not too bad - still can't get away from the feeling like I am a total failure - but am hoping that will pass with time.

I have told my DS's teacher this morning, which was awful and I cried (How embarassing). She was really good and said that children adapt really well and that as long as things are amicable he should cope OK. She has said that she will have a chat with him today as I am so worried about him being such a sensitive little person.

Yesterday my MIL phoned and asked where DS and H were (They were at the new house making a bed for DS). This was the second time she had called and asked about them (She also called on Sat) so I ended up telling her, and he reply was "Well I hope you're both proud of yourselves" made me feel awful - I tried to talk reasonably with her - as I understand where all her frustration comes from as H wont talk to her at all about anything so the only person she can talk to/take it out on is me. She ended up bursting into tears (Which is probably the first time I have ever heard her do that in 11 years) and put the phone down.

I felt dreadful, tried to call H but he didn't answer, waited 10mins then called her back and she apologised but was really really sad for our DS.

H came back and I asked him to call her which he did, and all he said was that he hadn't been happy for 3 years, and that he didn't want her to tell all her friends (How weird is he !!)

So we're on another day. DS keeps asking lots of questions, and said before school today "I have one good thing and one bad thing to tell everyone at school today" when I asked what he said "Well the good thing is I have a new teddy bear and the bad thing is Daddy is leaving" had no idea how to respond. I just said to him that he could talk to either H or I about anything that was bothering him and that we wouldn't get cross.......!

He then asked how long 6 months was in days and weeks. I think that I need to manage his expectation about H coming back in 6 months, but am not sure if it's too soon to start talking to him about it. What a mess.

I just hope hope hope it will start to get easier as I am quite ratty with DS at the mo, and want home to be a happy place again for him.

Thanks so much for all your support - it's so good to get other people's perspective and speak to people that have been through it.

Just hope I don't damage my DS.

6 months is a long time in a child's terms, you have lots of time to take advice on how to broach it. I'd steer the conversation away if he starts talking about it. Don't ever agree that Daddy will be back at a certain point.

I cried at school too. Very embarrassing but it turned out ds' teacher and headteacher had been through the same thing. They were lovely.

You aren't responsible for your MIL's reaction (also going through that one!!!) she will be shocked and upset if she had no inkling. Hopefully she will come round in time, if she doesn't, do you have good support anyway?

I just keep saying to my DS that - Daddy and are going to try but that whatever happens, we both love him more than anything in the whole world and that it isn't anything to do with him and that he can always talk to us.

Very early days and I really hope that H can stay to that agenda to.

I have great support - I have a set of fantastic friends who listen to me go on and on and on and on about it. I was saying to a very dear friend this morning that I must be getting so broing as it's all I seem to talk about - to the point that I don't know what I talked about before this all happened.

My friend is also going through the same thing and I said that we needed to try and get "Us" back and some identity rather than a shell of what we were like.

Were you like that for a while ???? are you much happier now ?

My Mum is in hospital so I am finding that quite hard, as I am very very close to my Mum and she used to help out with DS an awful lot. But I can still talk to her and she has a very wise (if a little angry with H) head on her shoulders, so I should count myself lucky that I still have her around.

My MIL will calm down, she is so very upset, and is 75 so it's all a bit much for her - I do get a bit annoyed that I am her punch bag when anything goes wrong as H will NOT talk to her about anything.

Thanks again for the replies, I am going to re-read the whole thread later and find out the book you suggested and go out tomorrow to buy it.

Glad you're ok! I got the book off Amazon - it's by Shirley P Glass and is called Not Just Friends. I'm sure it was another MN recommendation, I seem to have a shelf full of them!!

I still do feel a bit shell-like, it's only really been a matter of weeks. What I can tell you though, is that although initially it hurts like hell, I was actually driving home from school run today, and felt a burst of euphoria that I'm free from him, and all the rubbish that went with a relationship where the other person is just not being straight with you. It's liberating.

I never ever would have imagined this could happen to me, nobody in my family has ever divorced and I knew nothing about the whole process, but the thought of a miserable existence with him was more frightening than being on my own.

I think you have to go through the lows to get back to the highs, and that just takes time. I can't believe H is already in a proper relationship with OW, surely it's crazy not to spend any time on your own after a 12 year relationship? I find that quite hard to get my head round still, and there is an awful lot to sort out, but I'm just taking it day by day. It definitely helps if you have good friends, I've also been really blessed this way, and you certainly find out who they are when this kind of thing happens.

Sad, can I echo Tired's advice about Not Just Friends? It is absolutely brilliant - it will hurt a bit reading it when you see what you've been going through, but it will help you understand his behaviour and in fact everything that has been happening to you in recent times. Like you, I suspect that OW still looms large, but men like your H (and Tired's) cannot and will not take responsibility for their behaviour, so they prefer to direct blame in just about every other direction.

Telling his Mum he "hasn't been happy for 3 years" is typical - and I suspect, utter bollocks. More likely, everything was just fine, until OW turned up on the scene and he did a good job convincing himself that the marriage was in trouble and so he had some justification for doing what he did.

He will no doubt blame you to all and sundry for "kicking him out" and then lo and behold, will pretend that by some stroke of fortune, he met OW and she restored his belief in womankind. It's a well-worn script and one you should be ready for. I hope MIL is under no illusions that the small matter of him being unfaithful had the most impact on the marriage break-up.

You are working wonders with your DS - don't doubt yourself. His little mind will try to see the silver lining (the new teddy bear, a new house to visit) and you should encourage this. He of course doesn't need to know the finer details at this stage, but you can of course be as honest as you can at the prospect of you working things through, which you are.

Counselling won't work while he is still in denial about this other relationship - he is metaphorically hiding another woman under the bed. It might help of course if you can get a third party (a counsellor) to see through this absurd script and put him on the spot. My feeling is that he will deny, deny until you've got proof. While you've still got the chance, can you get any - it will help with your resolve and could prove useful later on if divorce really does beckon.

Hi All

My H has now agreed to move out on Sunday evening (After DS has gone to bed). He is away tomorrow night with work (Or so he says) then is going to come home Friday, put DS to bed and then go out, then stay at home Sat and leave properly Sunday.

It all sounds very complicated and I'm not sure how to explain it to DS. I did ask my H last night how he was planning on moving his clothes out, and he replied that he will do this Friday and Sunday night when DS is asleep. I just hope that DS doesn't get up and have to witness this. It would be so much easier for him to do it when DS is at school, but when I suggested this my H said "Well you want me out quicker than I had planned so this is the only solution". So I suppose at least he is going. DS is struggling to sleep at the moment, he didn't go to bed until 9.15pm the other night(He is usually in bed at 7.30pm), and had a list of complaints from tummy ache to his chest hurting and he really cried. Then last night he woke up at 4am and got into bed with me - he said he's had a nightmare but I don't know - is this all normal things that they can go through ? Do you think it will be worse when DH has gone ?

I went to see my counsellor today, and I don't know how others feel, but it makes me feel so drained/tired and thoroughly depressed when I have been there. Does anyone else feel the same ?

I know they are there to make you question yourself, and look inwards and try and change some behavours, but today I just couldn't cope and sat and sobbed and sobbed. He said that I need to change my strategy with H and should ask him "what his thoughts are on X - or how he feels about Y" rather than saying, "we need a plan on how you see DS". I suppose he's right but I am going to struggle with this as my H, generally just shurgs or walks away when I ask him anything.

To top it off I then went to see my lovely Mum who has again taken a turn for the worse, and is back on oxygen and really ill.

I just feel at the mo, that it's all too much for me, I don't want to talk to people as I'm sure my friends must be getting fed up with it - I don't have any energy to go out - I know the saying with DS that "If I'm alright, he will be alright" but how do I find the strength to be OK when I feel as though I could just give up.

My counsellor today said that this is as bad as it will get - well I'm not sure as if my H and I do finally seperate, he will be so awful over money and splitting of assets (He called me a scrounging bitxh in a row the other night) that it makes me scared to think about 2010.

Sorry to be so depressing and moaning on - I look at my Mum and think I should give myself a kick up the backside as she has real problems.

SadPerson.

I split up with my XP last year and I can honestly say I am so much happier. My little one is absolutely fine, in fact we have so much more fun together as her mummy is much happier.

In my opinion, you're flogging a dead horse here, he simply does not want to work on your relationship.

My advice? Get counselling to work on yourself, get some AD's, a fab haircut and go out and have fun. It may help to get your H to see you in a different light but you need to do this for yourself.

Ooh and we don't get fed-up with your 'moaning' on here, see it as an outlet whilst going through a very difficult time.

I'd echo Dutchy's thoughts really.

I really think that you will feel much better when he's gone and I think that, whilst DS will be sad, ultimately he will feel better too. You're both in limbo at the moment waiting for something horrible to happen and that's not a nice place to be.

I think what when H has gone you'll get some useful space for yourself and that you and DS will be a great team. It will be good for you to have much less time with H.

On the counselling front, it may just be that you need to go through feeling awful with the counsellor to come out of the other end. Equally, if you feel it's not working for you don't be afraid to try a different counsellor.

Look after yourself and your DH and keep talking with us . And, at times like this, treat yourself to whatever you like - just do what makes you feel happiest.