Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Cross Dressing

65 replies

killingme · 21/12/2009 14:28

Ok, I found a selection of clothes in DH's car, bloody crap clothes. My first though was that he was having an affair but it turns out they were his, he wanted to try them, outfits, shoes, tights, wig and make up. Things haven't been great for a while and we haven't been sleeping together. He rejects my advances. I confronted him and he swears he hasn't worn them or done anything. I went mental, I just felt so hurt that he's been pushing me away and I thought there was something wrong with me. I have told him I want him to leave after christmas, we have everyone visiting and he doesn't want to ruin things for everyone. I am trying so hard not to be off or nasty and be as normal as I can for the kids but he's just being awful, hardly speaks to me, snaps at the kids and the atmospheare is unbareable
I just want him to go. Please give me some super mum powers and get me through the next couple of weeks

OP posts:
loopylou6 · 21/12/2009 14:35

Do you think he is gay? Or at least confused about his sexuality?

loopylou6 · 21/12/2009 14:37

Also, is he happy to leave? or did he just except you asking him to leave?

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 21/12/2009 14:39

is cross dressing really such an absolute dealbreaker for you, killingme ?

tbh, I would be more concerned (at this point in time) with the way he is treating you

BigBadMummy · 21/12/2009 14:40

Loopylou cross dressing is rarely linked to sexuality.

Killingme, is this first time he has ever done this? Surprising it has been suppressed for all these years and only now reared its head. Men dont generally decide to become transvestites.

I know you are in shock killingme, and probably want to kill him but it doesnt have to be the end of your relationship if you love him.

He has been confused and not sure how to deal with his feelings, or how to tell you how he feels. He is going to need support or maybe now he just thinks actually he doesnt want to do it in reality. It was the fantasy of doing it that turned him on.

I think you two really need to sit down and talk.

Has he joined any online communities to voice these feelings?

Where did he get the clothes?

Why now?

Etc etc.

Original poster
killingme · 21/12/2009 14:40

No, I think he's into some weired sex stuff. Most of it I can handle but this has just knocked me for 6. He always told me all the freaky stuff that went on in his head (sex wise) but he just seems to be getting more and more odd about it. I think I am so hurt that he hid it, he had instructions on how to do his make up from a girl at work!! He can talk to them but not me. He's made me feel so crap for the last year, I used to be confident but his rejections have really knocked me. Now I find out why. Am I wrong kicking him out?

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 21/12/2009 14:43

google beaumont society....i know they are good with this stuff

cross dressing doesn't mean he's gay,but does he usually react this way if you argue?
taking it out on the kids is unacceptable,and he shouldn't be around if this is how he's going to be....not for christmas

loopylou6 · 21/12/2009 14:44

Bigbadmummy, I know that x dressing mostly does not equal gay, I asked because the OP says he does not want sex with her, now that to me would ring sexuality alarm bells.

GypsyMoth · 21/12/2009 14:45

i'd be wondering what else he's hiding in that case!!

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 21/12/2009 14:45

killingme, no-one can tell you if you are wrong

we don't know you, and him

there will be a lot of history here

I guess you need to have some space to think about it

maybe if you helped him come to terms with this part of him, your relationship would actually become stronger, I have heard this can happen

it doesn't mean he doesn't fancy women (think Eddie Izzard, who I fancy...)

it may explain his withdrwal from you i recent times

however, there probably isn't a future for your relationship if you know this is something you could never live with

Original poster
killingme · 21/12/2009 14:47

If he had said he wanted to try it I would have laughed but probably got him some stuff and done his make up for him. It's the sneaking around and discussing it with someone at work thats really got me, if everything had been perfect apart from this no I wouldn't have asked him to leave. I had thought he was having an affair and when I confronted him he just laughed and said I was being silly. He's made me feel so low and could have just told me about it, to be honest I would have done anything to save us but, when I found all the stuff and realised what it was for it clicked that he'd let me feel insecure and crap for a year when he could have just told me it wasn't me and that he was just into cross dressing. I have always gone along with everything he wanted in the sex department even if I didn't like it, and most of it I didn't.

OP posts:
AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 21/12/2009 14:48

oh dear

loopylou6 · 21/12/2009 14:51

Do you think you are strong enough to stick to him leaving? It sounds like you are very unhappy within the marriage, so I think its for the best if he leaves.

Original poster
killingme · 21/12/2009 14:52

I just want to cry, why did he have to hide it, I can't tell anyone whats going on or why things are so bad, I want to run away, wish I hadn't found the stuff. I know I will be made out to be the bad guy for making him leave because he knows I wont tell anyone the truth. Everyone arrives for christmas in the morning and I am expected to put on the happy family show, all I can think about is how to get out and escape.

OP posts:
jasper · 21/12/2009 14:52

sounds like he was afraid to tell you in case you went mental and threatened to chuck him out.....

Original poster
killingme · 21/12/2009 14:54

I didn't chuck him out over the other freaky shit he wanted to do.

OP posts:
AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 21/12/2009 14:54

if things have been so bad between you, then your friends/family will have noticed

who cares what people think ?

if you are not happy, and are unable to move forward with this, you shouldn't be painted as a bad guy

marriages break up all the time

why not yours ?

GypsyMoth · 21/12/2009 15:00

what freaky things?

Original poster
killingme · 21/12/2009 15:04

I have been tied up, gagged, pissed on, hit, it is all about what turns him on, I sometimes wonder if he cares who he's doing it to. He is always looking at porn on the net and it does seem to be getting more and more strange and perverse. He does this openly in the living room so I can see what he is looking at, obviously the kids are not around when he does it, but he's glued to it for hours and hours.

OP posts:
Malificence · 21/12/2009 15:16

It does sound like you are just another "prop" for his fetishes tbh.

Does he know that you didn't like the things he was asking you to do?

If he didn't, then it was up to you to put a stop to it and stop the pretense, if he did then you know what that makes him.

Asking you to do stuff you are not happy about is abuse, simple as that, especially when it's him in the dominant role.

Have you ever refused his demands? If so, what was the outcome?

Original poster
killingme · 21/12/2009 15:25

He knows I don't want to do things, but he goes on and on until i give in, or he ignores me until i feel so bad for not doing things that I give in. God getting it out feels good, I have had all this swimming around in my head and not told anyone. I can't do it anymore, I would rather just be on my own, he can't make me feel like crap if he isn't here.

OP posts:
AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 21/12/2009 15:31

oh dear, if this is for real I think you should split up with this nasty piece of work

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 21/12/2009 15:34

he is using you as a sexual punchbag

even in your OP I was concerned about the way he appeared to treat you

get out love, and get out now

it sounds like he will escalate this sexual abuse he is putting you through, he sounds awful

forget the cross-dressing, honestly that is the least of your worries (although if you want to hold onto that as your catalyst to finish it, go right ahead...)

many crossdressers are mild-mannered, thoroughly pleasant people

he is not

get him out

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 21/12/2009 15:35

and I would do it now and fuck Xmas

Original poster
killingme · 21/12/2009 15:40

This is for real, I know that this isn't how its ment to be, I have been trying so hard to make it all ok and keep my family happy and together. I think I have just run out of the energy to keep this up. He will be going after christmas, If he decides not to I will. I am not doing this anymore.

OP posts:
lilibet · 21/12/2009 15:43

So sorry you are going through this, how old are your dc's?

Just wondering if you can make him go now rather than put up with him any longer, I understnad you now wnating to spoil christmas for them but dependant on their ages you may be able to tell them something.