Cross Dressing

[killingme]

Ok, I found a selection of clothes in DH's car, bloody crap clothes. My first though was that he was having an affair but it turns out they were his, he wanted to try them, outfits, shoes, tights, wig and make up. Things haven't been great for a while and we haven't been sleeping together. He rejects my advances. I confronted him and he swears he hasn't worn them or done anything. I went mental, I just felt so hurt that he's been pushing me away and I thought there was something wrong with me. I have told him I want him to leave after christmas, we have everyone visiting and he doesn't want to ruin things for everyone. I am trying so hard not to be off or nasty and be as normal as I can for the kids but he's just being awful, hardly speaks to me, snaps at the kids and the atmospheare is unbareable
I just want him to go. Please give me some super mum powers and get me through the next couple of weeks

Of course, I am just trying to mitigate for all the pervs out there who find themselves struggling with their sexualities and having a partner who cannot accomodate them. Honestly, this is much much more common than you think, I see marriages fall by the wayside all the time because of these issues. I just think it could have been helpful for a frank discussion to have taken place between these people with a therapist. I agree he should not impose himself on her but it is interesting isn't it that he had withdrawn from her sexually which makes me think he too was in a terrible quandry about what was happening. As for people on this thread saying they would shout it from the rooftops etc and tell his family - I fail to see how this helps anyone apart from shifting the 'blame' - it doesn't make it any less sad for this family.

Well done KillingMe . I'm glad, you've done what worked for you and are feeling so much happier.

I'm sure all the nasty sex stuff was just the tip of the iceberg in the OP's life tbh , Congratulations on getting rid of him.

Enlighten us then Tarty - what is the difference between a man struggling with his sexual predilictions and a vile sexual bully who gets off on abusing an unenthusiastic partner, to put it mildly?

I'm not averse to a bit of (mild in comparison) BDSM myself btw. I do have the utmost respect from and trust of my husband though, he would never do anything I would find distasteful and vice versa.

Killingme doesn't mention that he was violent to her outside of this realm which makes me think that it is a purely sexual thing - we do not know that he got off on it, she said herself she went along with it, we assume men know these things but if you keep going along with it how can he know. He also withdrew from her sexually, if he so got off on hurting her and her hating it then surely he would have carried on. There are very very few people and certainly none I know on the scene who enjoy real non consentual sex. If this was the case, I think his man would be out raping etc. I really do think this is a case of porr comminication and not of someone being a bad person.

And pleased for you that you have a trusting loving thing going on. I too have the trust thing going on but i have been in a situation in which that hasn't been so, it was horrible it made me feel horrible and it made me act really oddly to my partner because I felt wrong, like I was living someone elses life.

Like I said before there is a massive personal crisis and contradiction for those who have really sexually dominant/submissive personas but are still loving partners and parents. It is just not that black and white.

ok, so violence in the bedroom, when it is not consensual, is OK tarty ?

as long as he doesn't punch her when they aren't having sex

he was a violent bully, don't try to dress it up (see what I did there...) as anything else

this relationship foundered because of "communication issues"...jeez, what planet are you on

so you are into BDSM...good for you. It doesn't make you any better at understanding human relationships, you know

Tarty, the OP 'went along with' his sexual bullying because he ground her down until she did. He wouldn't let her say no, he kept on at her until she complied. Hardly a 'lack of communication' that can be fixed with a chat to a therapist.

"Killingme doesn't mention that he was violent to her outside of this realm which makes me think that it is a purely sexual thing" - i disagree tartyhighheels. the fact that she was bullied until she submitted suggests the abuse was not restricted to the bedroom (so to speak). sexual violence is not always about sex: FACT.
rape is not always about sex, it's often about control (control of a person's body, actions, emotions etc) and/or degradation.
OP's ex has shown utter disrespect to her, and has continued that disrespect by bullying her into sexual acts that she had stated she did not want to do.
a man who has behaved in a sexually violent way towards an unwilling woman cannot surely be deemed safe?
whatever your sexual preferences please stop justifying the fact that OP has been repeatedly degraded and bullied, enough to the extent that she felt scared and hurt enough to leave her marriage.

I am not making any claim to understand human relationships any better than anyone else. I am saying what I think about it, just as you all have.

and I loved what you did with the 'dress it up'!

I am just saying that I have seen this so many times being part of the BDSM thing and I find it interesting that the cross dressing or rather the dishonesty around all that was the straw that broke the camels back and not the 'sexual violence'. That element of the relationship seemed to be tolerated much better than the cross dressing and talking to someone else about it.

Do you really not think this is also about communicating? Him not communicating his desires (although he talked about his sexual fantasies he didn't disclose the cross dressing) and her not telling him how bad those practices made her feel, she did say she went along with it for a long time.

And for the record no, it is not ok for anyone to be violent to anyone, I myself have been in this situation and I am not condoning it.

I just think this is all a bit simplified to call him a sexual bully. There were two people in this and both should have been straight with one another. It might not have saved things, ultimately they are clearly sexually mismatched. I think this is a sad tale for everyone, particularly their children and it would have been helpful for them all to have had some specialist help.

My reading of what this lady was saying was that it was the deception and sexual rejection that tipped it for her - I can see that his sulking and cajoling is bullying but what this lady talks about is the rejection and dishonesty being the deal breakers.

tarty, you are allowed your opinion, of course

but I stand by my original comment that you did not read the thread properly

the cross dressing was the straw that broke the camel's back for this lady

it gave her the courage to finally see her relationship was never going to work, because it was all on his terms

I actually think you coming along with your opinion at this point, when she has finished it (I, for one, am extremely glad she did) is unhelpful

she obviously vacillated for a long time because he had done such a number on her, she accepted awful degradations against her preferences

if the cross dressing was the thing that tipped her over, so be it, but you are trying to say that because she "put up" with the sexual stuff that it wasn't OK for her to see the CD as a deal-breaker

I say good for her, whatever it took her to get out is fine by me

I think you are confusing consensual BDSM with sexual attack, tbh, it really is black and white in this case

Be strong assert what you want accept nothing other than that. perhaps go to Relate I'm sure they will have encountered this before. Thinking of you hope something is resolved.

dark ????

Jesus

I think the cross dressing is a minor issue here. I do think though that if you are into cross dressing you should let your partner know, otherwise it's just lying to your partner and that's no partnership.
If my husband said he could only get aroused if wearing women's clothes that would probably end our relationship. I don't want to have sex with someone dressed as a woman. If I wanted a woman I'd have the real thing. men dressed as women just look silly and silly for me isn't sexy.
This guy sounds generally horrible though as well as cross dressing.

this relationship is finished

any advice is now null and void

OP, well done