Cross Dressing

[killingme]

Ok, I found a selection of clothes in DH's car, bloody crap clothes. My first though was that he was having an affair but it turns out they were his, he wanted to try them, outfits, shoes, tights, wig and make up. Things haven't been great for a while and we haven't been sleeping together. He rejects my advances. I confronted him and he swears he hasn't worn them or done anything. I went mental, I just felt so hurt that he's been pushing me away and I thought there was something wrong with me. I have told him I want him to leave after christmas, we have everyone visiting and he doesn't want to ruin things for everyone. I am trying so hard not to be off or nasty and be as normal as I can for the kids but he's just being awful, hardly speaks to me, snaps at the kids and the atmospheare is unbareable
I just want him to go. Please give me some super mum powers and get me through the next couple of weeks

ignore my "for real" comment, silly of me

killingme, I am so sorry, but you really do need to escape this kind of treatment

please let us know how you are getting on

and don't take any crap from him/friends/family for "splitting up the family"

he is doing that

tbh, I would tell the truth when peole ask you, no-one should be someone else's sexual punchbag

I have a feeling this is going to turn very nasty for you, and you need some support in real life

stop protecting him

I really feel for the turmoil you must be going through.

TBH this is about a lot more than cross dressing.

I hope you are ok and can get through Christmas...it's a tough time of year. Keep writing on here to get support- there are so many lovely posters.

My brother knows things haven't been great, he is away until new year but gave me his keys and told me to go there if I need to. The children are 3 and 10, I will put on the christmas show, but if anything kicks off I will walk. Feeling stronger now I have posted it all, I am not putting up with that crap from him, he's f*d it up not me. Just hope this strength lasts a few days.

The x-dressing wouldn't be a problem for me - but all the other crap would! Get out...

You've put up with things that you (sexually) do not like; he's worn you down and you have let him do it.

That's not a relationship of equals; that's abuse.

When all is said and done, Christmas is just another bloody date. If it happened on the 21st January 2010; would you be feeling any different to how you feel now ?

Any man that wanted to piss on me, punch me during sex; if that wasn't what I wanted, would be permanently carrying his nuts around his ears.

Kick him out now. No day will be a good day. Christmas and playing Happy Families will be a charade. Tell the truth; if only to yourself.

There will be other Christmases, but you will hate this one the most if you pretend. Ask yourself; "What's the point ? "

47double chins would you like to come for christmas? His brother arrives in the morning and his mum wednesday so he'll be all sweetness and light once they arrive, If he isn't I will tell his Royal Marine brother just what he's been up to. I can do christmas, I know i am getting out so can deal with it.

Look at this in the same way as any other case of domestic violence - he's hurting you and bullying you into doing what he wants and it's not acceptable on any level.

Get rid of him, why have a miserable "pretend" Xmas, worrying about holding it together when you can boot him out now and concentrate on having a relaxed Xmas without him?

Let him find an equally deviant partner who will willingly submit to him - he probably gets off on knowing you don't like it though, he probably doesn't want a willing partner if he's got such a sadistic streak.

Yes he must be aware that you have struggled with the type of sex he seems to demand from you.
If it's not consensual, it shouldn't happen.
He has abused you

Killingme; thanks for the invite, but I really can't.
I'm stitching back together my own relationship (my Husband doesn't have sex with me).
Since I posted my dilemma on here; I've been forced to reassess my own relationship; and I've come to the conclusion that I'm a ball breaking bitch; and I think it's 85% my fault.... Useful but sobering: but I'm working on it.

I wouldn't work on something that can't be fixed; and my feeling is that your partner is in that category.

I would tell the brother and Mother exactly why you are ditching the relationship. Get the conversation out of the way early (matter of fact details).

Explain why he's been chucked out but can visit the house/them during the day/over Xmas.

If his brother wants to beat him up; that's down to him; you can't take responsibility for that.

Your relationship is abusive. You have submitted to this abuse, so you need to re-build yourself.

Do not protect your partner from the consequences of his actions.

They're his; and his alone.

Bloody hell OP you are being sexually abused. He sounds like a vile, vile man, you keep strong and get him out of your house.

hey, just wanted to add my twopenneth, fwiw. id not protect him, and id not accept any of the blame for his fetishes being the end of the relationship. kinky sex is one thing if its consensual but it sounds more like he uses you to get his kicks. he sounds extremely selfish.

my sister was in a DV situation, and she never told any of his family, why i'll never know because of course she ended up being the baddy that split the marriage, even though he was having an affair and punched her in the mouth.

none of it is your shame. id not give him chance to play happy families, and id not give him chance to talk you round. id ask him to leave before you change your mind, at least then you can think it through with a clear head. it sounds pretty much like youve realised what you want. id not want his idea of a relationship either. good on you.

good luck.

your twopeneth is worth a fortune vicar....

I totally agree

he isn't going to start playing nasty when it sinks in he is set to lose his victim

I would spill my fucking guts all over town...

The things you have described, killingme, are all part of degredation games in BDSM. Perfectly fine if acted out between two willing partners, but quite frankly rude and bullying if one is not into it.

He may think what he is doing is fine and healthy, but hes a sexual bully and you
definately need to get rid.

It sounds like you're being quite strong about all of this--good for you!

WHile people on the BDSM scene do all sorts of odd things, they do them with cosenting partners, and most people who are into BDSM have just as much contempt for abusers as everyone else does. You might find it helpful to have a chat with Women's Aid about getting rid of this unpleasant man.

I was engaged to my first ever sexual partner; for ten years.

After some time; he wanted to engage in anal sex. I tried it once. I didn't like it.

Having tried it once; he wanted it more. I didn't. It became an "issue" that I couldn't live with..didn't like the way his sexuality was going

I called off my wedding; five weeks before the day.
By that time the whole family were arriving; Australia, Canada, Ethiopia; Thailand; S. Africa they'd all bought tickets for my wedding and they were all arriving.

It must rank amongst the hardest things I've ever done in my life.

I called it all off. All hell broke loose.

My Mother booked us into a "bijou hotel" for 5 days.

I came out knowing that I couldn't marry him.

I told my Dad. He said "Don't worry about it; we all make mistakes..... just learn by it; I'll deal with your Mum and all the relatives arriving.

And He did. I'd got 900 for my wedding (that wasn't); they went ahead with the party. I was ask'd to attend. When I walked in (not a bride; no man); I was clapped in.

So many Women came up to me and congratulated me. So many Women said that they had wished that they had done the same.

What I'm saying to you is that it will be "shit" to walk away ( with dignity); but it's by no means the end.

What your OH is doing at the moment is making you feel worthless and just a sex object/toy.
Now I felt like that and I walked away; I was shit scared to do so. I had a marriage pending; a shared house/loads of mutual debt.
BUT I DID IT; and so can you.

Being scared of your future is no way to live.

Well done 47, and don't you have a fab dad?!

OP, I think you are right to keep going for another few days, it will be easier for you and the DCs after all the fuss of Christmas has died down.

The best of luck to you.

Actually, anyone truly into the BDSM scene will only have more contempt for him than most, purely because they know how great a difference there is between a fetish-based relationship and the abuse your husband has been doling out.

It is the one hard and fast rule: everything, everything must be absolutely done with mutual consent and respect. Nothing about your husbands behaviour comes anywhere close to that. To ask you do these things with him is one thing, to bully you as he has is another. He'd find himself a pariah extremely quickly.

For that alone, get rid.

If you can stand to put a brave face on it till after Christmas, so be it. But make it perfectly clear to him the next time he opens his mouth that your relationship is in serious trouble. I, too, would have been pissed off about him lying, but I could have understood that - if it hadn't been accompanied by all the other stuff. It is that, that is the deal breaker here, not the cross dressing.

Just wanted to update you all. I stuck to my guns and he has moved out. I did tell his brother nearly everything and he didn't kick the crap out of him but took my side and has been really supportive. I couldn't bring myself to tell his mum so she hates me but thats nothing new.
Feeling a little nervous about the future but I know I did the right thing. When he left it felt like a great weight had been lifted, kids seem happier and lots of laughing in my house this week. I know I have done the right thing. Thank you all so much for your support. xx

oh, how wonderful

< applauds >

Well done OP. It is really great to read updates like this and I wish you all the best for the future without this horrible bully of a man.

Well done,you've been really brave.

killingme congratulations and good luck! Your future, and your Dcs, will be safer. And happier.

47doublechins what an amazing story! (about your non-wedding) I wish you luck in your current situation.

Love this thread

I would like to provide a different point of view. I am very sorry your marriage has broken down.

I am involved in the fetish and BDSM scene really quite a lot and only just found this post because it was bumped by your update. I do have a lot of knowledge and experience in this area and all these women baying for your husbands removal I think maybe do not.

Your husbands compulsion to cross dress has likely been in his life as long as he can remember, it is an overwhelming thing for those men who experience it and cannot be denied. With regards to his obvious sexual dominance, I suspect he tried it out on you in the hope you would be able to accept some of it rather than be unfaithful to you. I don't think your husband is a horrible bully of a man, I think he lacked the knowledge and community to explore these fetishes safely. He did not know how else to express himself so it came out like this. Many men would have not talked to you about their sexual desires and would have gone elsewhere for gratification.

I can completely understand why he would keep the cross dressing from you, the first reply to your post was questioning his sexuality..... probably the most common reaction. Clearly, you two are sexually mismatched and I think his rejection of you recently was more about him feeling that his sexuality and the way he wanted to express it was not something you wanted. Trust me when I tell you, the amount of nice civilised men I meet that have the unusual sexual tastes is amazing. I see this sort of reaction in men who are both compelled to be dominant and those who desire to be submissive.

There is a massive contradiction between loving someone and wanting to hurt/humiliate them sexually or be hurt or humiliated. Most people wrestle with this sort of stuff for years before they find a haven in a BDSM community and find others like themselves and grow to accept themselves for what they are.

Please be clear, I am not blaming you in anyway. I know for you the hardest part was the lack of honesty as well as the (as you saw it) dodgy sex stuff. But I do think that there is a confusion here with someone who has an interesting sexual predilection and someone who is a bad husband and a bully. I agree of course it should have been discussed and consentual but I wonder if he just had no other way to express himself. If you just went along with it it would have been hard for him to guage what was right and wrong.

I am not meaning to sound negative towards you and pleased you feel better but the way I am sexually does not make me a bad person, wife or Mother it makes me unique and thankfully, after many years of trying, I have a relationship with someone who knows that. Perhaps a trip to a sex therapist who was kink friendly could have helped to put things in perspective for you both. It just seems very sad to me that a family has broken up because of a lack of communication.

tarty...have you actually read the whole thread ?