Divorce support thread, anyone interested?

[tiredoftherain]

For me it was a very short time indeed between me posting about H being an arse and finding myself actually navigating a divorce situation. I often hit dilemmas where I'm clueless about what to do ,or how to behave and would love to chat with anyone going through similar.

This can be for anyone contemplating divorce, going through it, or on the other side of it. Anyone want to (reluctantly I'm sure!) join me?

I haven't had a chance to read through everyone's yet because Im soo tired but Im filing for my divorce as soon as the solicitors opens in the New Year. Hubby left me April '08 and I am going to get the bugger on his adultery, especially as he has just given my sons toys to his new girlfriends little boy!! bastard!! anyway, any help would be great.

Ta x

Happy New Year to all the divorcees to be in 2010!!! This thread has gone quiet as I guess we all get our next steps underway.

I just wanted to update you on some good news - I was at the end of my tether a few days ago as H won't go (we were stuck in house together cos of the snow!), I've no money and although he pays mortgage and bills wouldn't pay for anything else. Our oil for heating is about to run out and I just didn't have 400 odd pounds for a refill.

Having seen my solicitor on Jan 4th as previously mentioned, my divorce is now underway. My solicitor had suggested I ring tax credits initially to see how much I might be entitled to in due course. So I did and found out (to my amazement) that if you are getting divorced and living separate lives - even if you are both under the same roof, you are entitled to single tax credits backdated 3 months. (if applicable).

I teafully explained my situation and they have been my salvation. You can't pull a fast one on them but if you are honest they are very helpful. So I will be able to buy central heating for my children if my xtb won't!

Has anyone been following the effects of divorce on GMTV series? My H recorded the one that said that 1 in 3 children consider suicide after their parents divorce..... so finances aside, feeling like a pile of poo at the moment!

Hope everyone else is ok x

That's good news, Violet. I only get £10.78 a week because of my income but since my ex doesn't give me anything, it helps! I haven't been on here lately as I am STILL waiting to move house. My offer was accepted on Sept 4th and we haven't exchanged contracts yet

I spoke to a divorce lawyer just before Christmas, she told me not to wait until I have moved out to register a charge on the matrimonial home, so that has now been done. She was confident that a financial settlement will see my £150k mortgage paid off and some maintenance for me too.

Can't start the process yet, as I can't get my head round it until we are actually living separately. I have hidden the letter that came from the Land Registry to tell my ex about the charge, he can have that when I walk out the door for the last time! Hopefully that will be in 2-3 weeks. Christmas was a real strain and this week he has been away on business so I have been much more relaxed.

January is apparently peak period for divorce and separation, so maybe there will be lots of new people joining us here!

Hello again. Well, my H has finally moved out (in a teenage sort of way - still keeping most of his stuff here and using this as his address) But he's not here most of the time and we told the kids last weekend. They took it incredibly well and DS1 said "cool, 2 houses"!

The week has been okay, but I do keep getting angry about the situation - his dumping of responsibilites at the earliest possible moment, his meanness with money, leaving me worrying (like you violet) about heating costs etc, while he is pissing about acting like a born again bachelor. A

nyway, I suppose that's part of the highs and lows of divorce... I think we have come to a basic financial agreement, but do feel anxious about it and feel maybe I should go for more as it's my one shot and I have very limited earning potential at this stage.

Good luck yo everyone this year.

What reason can I give the court for delaying in applying for decree absolute?, anyone? Unreasonable behaviour was reason for, ex threatened to kill me if I divorced him, been separated for 1yr, court asks for affidavit saying why the delay in applying. I fall apart ever so often. Child contact's thru a supported contact centre. Shall appreciate any advice.

I don't understand the question. You are delaying the application? Why is that? Is it because he said he'd kill you? What is the deadline?

violet - thankyou!

I applied for it last week but got the impression it would start from when I made the call, I'll have to phone them back and see if it can be backdated, could really do with the money at the moment.

I'm getting really fed up of him saying things to the children, involving them in telling me what I should be doing to let him home again etc, and then occasionally I overhear him on the phone asking leading questions about mummy and then making those commiserating type sounds. I am a really good mum, well at least I hope I am - I certainly try, but this is really starting to confuse and upset dc.

Does anyone else have this problem? And how do you deal with it?

Happy new year everyone! Not much to report at the moment, solicitor's gone quiet, guess the decree nisi must be imminent and then comes the fun of starting to negotiate on finances.

Right now I'm stuck in at home with 2 small dc's who've been off school for weeks on end, while H is hundreds of miles away with OW enjoying a romantic weekend in the snow. It sucks really. He seems to think that now we're separated he really can do whatever he likes, and tells me so with a smug look on his face. Apparently his whereabouts are really "none of my business" anymore. I don't want to know the details, but do need to know something in case of emergency (he has a tendency to switch his mobile off so he's totally uncontactable, has done this for years) It's such vile, callous behaviour and although she's welcome to him, it still stings.

On the plus side, I'm planning the next stages now, a move, new schools for the dc's etc. It seems monumental right now, and like you leftorright, I do feel angry about it all but need to keep the momentum up so I can move towards my new life.

Hope everyone else is ok, I really need to get on to this tax credit business. No idea where to start..

Hi everyone. I just had the delight of H's first weekend visit. He couldn't take them as he was working on Sat so just visited and stayed here sat night. It was like the houseguest from hell. Impatient with the kids, really drunk in the evening so hungover on Sun etc. It was unsettling for all of us and didn't help with my anger issues! Also have asked him to commit to one night a week (as well as alternate w/ends) and he won't as the 50min drive each way "hardly seems worth it"!!! I said, well it does to the children. He's such a lazy arse and also likes to be uncontactable and therefore unaccountable.

Keepingsmiling so far we have not got into that sort of problem but unfortunately I think you have to try and set them straight without slagging of the XP. If they are telling them lies you need to correct them and otherwise just reassure them that these things are between the adults, not them. Easier said than done, I know!

Anyway, the minute he'd gone I felt a lot calmer, and like you tiredoftherain, I want to get moving onward, making plans etc. Have you tried the tax credits website (google it)? It's very informative and will give you an idea of what you could get.

Well, have a productive week!

ps have you all applied for healthy start vouchers and free school meals?! Every little helps....

Agingoth, how did you get on over Christmas? Your rather uncomfortable little menage popped into my head from time to time. Not an easy time for anyone on this thread, probably.

Ex had my two-year old DD for Christmas week and nearly drove me crazy by not answering the phone - I ended up going round with a policewoman to pick up DD (couldn't arrange handover with him as he wouldn't answer phone). Things okay since then.

Hi Anniegetyourgun, cheers for responding!
He agreed to sign divorce papers on condition that we continued to live together, changed his mind when decree nissi was granted, said he'd kill me, then he phoned around about killing himself and I ran away with our kid then. I should have applied for decree absolute 2months ago, main reason is that he threatened to kill me if I divorced him. Been 1yr apart.

I'd just tell the court that, arundell.

Thanks, NICKNAMETAKEN, I'll include that point in my affidavit. Your name's cool

To Anyone who is in trouble re-domestic violence, financial issues, just go as you are to citizens advice b. and especially to women's aid, social groups also very useful, pour your heart out. Refuge, social services, the police, friends and family, there are lots of people who care to make life happy, who will wish you well and help you as much as possible. Remember life goes on and the addage life's what you make isn't totally wrong.

I'm so far behind you guys - I'm the one who'se initiated the divorce on grounds of unreasonable behavour (EA) and thought I could do it calmly and without malice because thats generally how I try and deal with life. But I seem to be turning into this angry, bitter manhater!!!

I could have been blown down with a feather the other day when my sol said he'd like to go for Mediation. (He would NEVER discuss any of our problems - they were all just mine. end of.)

I reluctantly and suspicially agreed then last night I overheard him talking to his Mum on the phone saying he liked his sol because he was crafty and "I don't want mediation" but we need to do it blah blah...

He twists and turns more times than a viper..

I wouldn't change a thing, but I hate this phase.

I do hope one day we too can have a laugh and a joke on the doorstep like we used to... but right now he's planning an 8 week trip to far east (work) and I'm hoping he gets leprosy and doesn't come home!!!!

Am I terrible?!!

Arundell I love your optimism about help - our CAB is rubbish (ever since they lost funding for the DA advisor) and I work for Social Services so can't talk here!!!!!

Violet, you remember when that plane to or from Brazil fell out of the sky a few months back? Oh, how I wished my ex had been on it! You are not alone in wishing your ex ill, just don't tell anyone in RL and don't do anything about it

Good news for me today - we are ready to exchange contracts, yippee! Just waiting for vendors to agree dates, they said they want to complete this month, so why has it already taken them three days to think about this without making a decision. I want to go round there tomorrow and ring the doorbell and ask 'When are you moving out then?'!!

Hi all, very new to the site, glad i've found you though as am feeling really alone. Found out june 09 that H having affair. He said he was leaving our marriage but wanted to carry on affair and still live in same house & not get divorce. We have DS5 & DD3.5. I filed for divorce sept 09 & forced him to move out. Since then, things have become extremely nasty because of the finances. His verbal attacks are incredibly vicious. I cant imagine what my future will be like. When will all this s**t end? As i said, i feel very alone right now....

welcome, anyonethere. It is horrid but MN has been a great support to me, and source of advice. You've done a brave thing in getting him to leave. Keep going and we'll help if we can.

Just read what you said re mediation. My H also suspiciously suggested it, despite saying all along he wanted us to sort out finances between ourselves. After months of messing me around, my sol is pushing for his form E. Will it go against me, my refusal to go to mediation?

anyone there - I had a long chat with my sol about this - I'm very nervous about repercussions once we're out of mediation but on weighing things up it could be a good thing.

a) I think its very rare that couples can work it out FAIRLY amongst themselves. I for one, do not want my stbx telling me HOW this is going to be done etc...

b) If we can reach an agreement 'amicably' then it'll save in court costs and more importantly for me; it'll be over sooner rather than later.

c) You can meet the mediator first for an initial discussion to see whether its appropriate and safe to do this...

I know he has a hidden agenda, thats just who he is but my sol assured me that a) it looks good to make the effort whatever their motives and b) if you're not comfortable after one meeting you can call time and revert back to doing it through the courts.

Very interested to hear your thoughts tho as I haven't been able to get much feedback on this.

Don't be alone, there's lots of support herex

Hi violet. Am waiting for call back from sol to discuss. Things just turned even more nasty, if thats possible. The only thing we managed to agree on, contact arrangements, he's gone back on cos it doesnt suit him anymore. Cue more threats of legal action against me...

anyonethere, what a tough time for you. Stand your ground and get what your children, and you, deserve.

More bad news from me - despite being ready to exchange contracts, and the vendors desire to move by the end of the month (ie Fri 29th) we haven't actually done either. They thought as they were almost ready to exchange on their own purchase, we might as well do it all together. Since they are moving into a rented house, they don't NEED to wait til their purchase goes through. Had a long talk with the estate agent yesterday, agreed a deadline of exchange Fri 5th and completion Fri 12th Feb. If this doesn't happen, I will withdraw my offer and I really mean it! Can't bear to stay here while I look for another property, so will rent for six months instead. Hopefully the ultimatum will make the vendors see sense and it won't come to that.

It seems minor compared to some of the things others are going through, but after more than a year of being separated and living together I really want that phase of my life to be over. I am fed up of waiting for the future to become the present