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Original poster

Divorce support thread, anyone interested?

99 replies

tiredoftherain · 20/12/2009 19:47

For me it was a very short time indeed between me posting about H being an arse and finding myself actually navigating a divorce situation. I often hit dilemmas where I'm clueless about what to do ,or how to behave and would love to chat with anyone going through similar.

This can be for anyone contemplating divorce, going through it, or on the other side of it. Anyone want to (reluctantly I'm sure!) join me?

OP posts:
missingtheaction · 23/12/2009 08:37

My XDH and I agreed our own financial split and didn't have to do a Form E. I think you only have to do a Form E if the financial split is going to be scruitinised by solicitors, the court etc. However, it's a very useful document for pulling together the financial situation so you can see what you actually have to share.

I've been separated for 3 1/2 years now but still not divorced: ran out of money when the recession hit, but as we had sold the house by then and split the finances as far as I was concerned separation was enough.

I would now like to push things forwards again but we still have to split the pensions; which means he has to tell me about his pensions; which means delay and obfustication and unplesantnes yet again. Sigh.

norksinmychristmasstocking · 23/12/2009 09:22

Feel really again actually, want to give him a slap and let him know how much he has fucked up tbh.
Although it is a year and we have been separated on and off since the end of Feb I only found out about the affair in 4th of Nov. so still really fresh for me.

I have spoken to my soliciters sec. this morning, apparantly the documents are all with the courts and should have been back by now, but they haven't heard anything yet.
Guess it will be just after christmas now.

We still haven't discussed finances yet except that I will be staying in the house, so either, try and scrape some money together from my family and go for a clean break( which I would prefer, but does not look hopeful) or put a charge on the property( don't like this option as there is the likelyhood I would have to sell later on to pay him off)

whitetulips · 23/12/2009 10:50

have not got much to offer really, just wishing everyone who is in this horrible situation a peaceful christmas period x

whitetulips · 23/12/2009 10:55

does anyone know if we can sell the house, then do the financial thing? My H is absolutely not budging on the 50% of equity, despite me earning half of his wage, and the children being with me.
This is partly my fault, I said that seemed fair, then after we both went to a solicitor, separately, where I suspect we were both told I should get 65-70%, he has really dug his heels in and won't budge, threatening to give up his job etc etc.
So I was planning to go through with the house sale (if only we could get a buyer)then file divorce papers and ask for a lump sum to make up for the equity I did not get. Any ideas?

leftorright · 23/12/2009 12:47

whitetulips, my position is quite similar and we are at a stand off. I have been told I could almost certainly get 60% and probably more. H won't accept that I 'need' more than 50% despite me having no career, 3 kids (2 preschool) and no family locally.

I would be very careful about selling the house - where would you go and where would the proceeds be transferred. If he is that stubborn then getting money back at a later date will be very hard, court order or not. You must talk to a solicitor about this - if you are not happy with your current one then go for a free advice session with another one, you really need to feel they are being proactive and realistic on your behalf. It's also worth contacting the CAB. It's hard this time of year because the wealthy solicitors take the whole holiday off and there is no action - I hate sitting around waiting for someone else to act, but I've been advised to take my time and think it all carefully - not something that comes naturally to me!!

agingoth · 23/12/2009 13:36

Ah that is interesting about the 60-75. I am giving up my career to look after the kids and have no local family either. I had always presumed the split of the house would be 50:50 and am sure he will insist on that.

I have also heard I am entitled to 20 per cent of his income and he is a high earner so I'm definitely going to push that given that I've had to give up work. I am actually going to ask for compensation for my entire salary, tax credits the lot as I've been unable to find equivalent work inthe SE and the 50:50 childcare arrangement he insists on means I cannot continue with my current job.

I agree with other posters- form E is for when court has to decide finances (or for information for the mediator).

I actually was in such a state last time I had a solicitor's appointment that I missed it Was actually not at all happy with her and thinking of going elsewhere.

Merry xmas all divorcees! In the end it's got to be a GOOD THING we're rid of the drinkers, lazy arses and control freaks!!

whitetulips · 23/12/2009 14:08

Leftoright,
I have my eye on a new build house, and due to my low salary and occupation, would qualify for a government shared ownership scheme. I know I can borrow enough, with this scheme, as long as I get 45% of the equity, but obviously I will need to furnish it etc.
I was going to take my 50%, as we are 'agreed' on that, then pursue him later, but knowing that if I can't have any extra, at least I can afford my house.
Agingoth, i was told with a long marriage, the start point is 50:50 then circumstances like earnigs of both, pensions of both, and where the children will be are taken into account.
I have a better pension than him, so that was taken into account with the 65%, I was told without that it could be 70 % due to his earning power compared with mine. This is without 20% earnings that I should be entitled to as maintenance for the children. I would rather have more equity and not need anything from him monthly actually.
Hope this helps, and like you say, here's to a Christmas where we won't be on edge waiting for a tantrum or drunkeness or sulking!!!!!

violet101 · 23/12/2009 15:18

I am starting divorce proceedings against my H and will sign the petition on Jan 4 on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour. It would take forever to write my story but it is on another thread somehwere!

His opinion when I told him was that I was incredibly selfish, would destroy the kids and running 2 homes would be very expensive. So you can see how much he cared about me/us!!! Actually I doubt he ever loved me but when we met I had a good job, a car, a lovely flat, a horse, friends a good life - he was recently divorced and I think I was a meal ticket..

He will fight me for the house and the kids - has already told a neighbour he sees me in a grotty bedsit on my own...so the gloves will be on in the new year!!

This thread could just be my salvation! Thanks for starting.

One question? I've qualified for legal aid but to sign the petition I ahve to pay £300 up front. Is that normal? It takes into account joint income which we would be over the threshold for, but finding it myself when I work part time for social services is hard. Anyone know about this?

norksinmychristmasstocking · 23/12/2009 15:21

The £300 is for court costs which are not covered by legal aid

violet101 · 23/12/2009 15:33

Thanks norks! Difficult tho it is it'll be worth every penny!!

norksinmychristmasstocking · 23/12/2009 15:39

Thats OK you just gave me a fright, My petition is meant to be with the courts ATM but I haven't signed anything, so ran off to ring my solicitor again.
Apparantly if you are privately funding(I have some savings from an inheritance) Your solicitor signs the petition on your behalf, but if you are legal aid you have to sign it yourself

Oh well at least it is all ok

whatdoyouallthink · 23/12/2009 16:45

Wow, so I am going to have to pay £300 in the new year?! It just gets better!!

Have already learnt so much more from this thread then my non existant solicitors.

simpson · 23/12/2009 17:34

whatdoyouallthink - was thinking the same thing.

I have not been told I will have to cough up £300 either

Very bad timing, just after Xmas and paying out some of flood damage

Still worth every penny though

whatdoyouallthink · 23/12/2009 17:40

Yeah really bad timing! My 3 dc all had their birthdays last month and now xmas..but have to agree Simpson worth every penny and then some! .

simpson · 23/12/2009 17:44

LOL

Well DD has got her 2nd birthday end of Jan so it looks like she weon't be getting much either.

However think she is too young to notice anyway

leftorright · 23/12/2009 19:02

Agingoth - it is a real open ended question about the % split. Wikivorce.com is a very useful website but their calculator brings me out on the right side of an 80/20 split! Much as I would love to believe it, I know that wouldn't be the case. Apparently the courts (if it comes to that) look at need first, and other than that go quite close to 50/50. So you, like me would consider your needs met if you were housed and had an 'acceptable' income to live off. But I can't believe that that would mean H witing with his fat salary and me just covering costs just because the needs are met?? It's very unnerving having to sit and wonder... Also it's a bit of a bluffing came as H says his sol is 'very confident' that I wouldn't get that... Should I twist or stick... Maybe whatever is quickest would be best?

I am funding my sol out of the last of my ISA that my late step dad bought, so cant' afford for it to get too messy, which may be what he's banking on. Am turning into a deranged Miss Marple-alike smooping around for information about his true position and what his best offer could be... not healthy really but worth it for the adrenalin!!!

ChasingSquirrels · 23/12/2009 19:06

if he has a bit fat salary you would presumably get a significant amount of child maint though.

leftorright · 23/12/2009 19:13

yes, in theory, but as he is a pisshead he is unreliable so I would rather get money and clean break where possible!

ChasingSquirrels · 23/12/2009 19:14

but you can't really "clean break" child maint can you? Spousal maint yes, but if so you can get that aswell as child maint. Have you gone to CSA?

leftorright · 23/12/2009 19:15

no true, he would have to pay child maint at whatever level. But if he loses his job he will have no salary to give us 25% of, if you see what I mean.

ChasingSquirrels · 23/12/2009 19:19

yes, I do understand that.
and that there are some people who give up their jobs so as not to have to support their children - fuckwits is the word that caomes to mind.

leftorright · 23/12/2009 20:53

zackly! my H at the moment doesn't comprehend how I'm spending money even though he's only here 3 nights a week - I know the world revolves around him, but I still have to feed the kids, pay gas, childcare, insurance etc... but if he can't see it, it doesn't exist... Will be glad to be rid of the big baby in a lot of ways!

norksinmychristmasstocking · 24/12/2009 21:18

Wishing everyone here a happy, peaceful christmas

simpson · 25/12/2009 09:45

Hope everyone has a fab day

keepingsmiling · 26/12/2009 18:04

Well, I think I could be needing this thread to!

Just separated in rather surprising circumstances, but tbh it is a huge relief and I think/hope that this is it now. I seem to be over that initial shock and devastation (been a month) and ready to move onto the next stage, I think. Scary!

He's not accepting it at all, and making me feel reckless and as though I should be feeling guilty, but then he's denying/conveniently forgetting how awful he made our marraige and how hard I worked at it - mainly at forgiving.

I've just signed the legal aid form for a solicitor and can foresee starting divorce proceedings in spring, just trying to hold onto our home, kids and our safety/sanity in the mean time. I'm trying to balance this with appearing amicable and handle this in a grown-up responsible manner, but suspect I am failing - he gives me the willies! (lol)

I think this is going to get messy!

But I will keep smiling! When it really matters anyway lol

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