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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Divorce support thread, anyone interested?

99 replies

tiredoftherain · 20/12/2009 19:47

For me it was a very short time indeed between me posting about H being an arse and finding myself actually navigating a divorce situation. I often hit dilemmas where I'm clueless about what to do ,or how to behave and would love to chat with anyone going through similar.

This can be for anyone contemplating divorce, going through it, or on the other side of it. Anyone want to (reluctantly I'm sure!) join me?

OP posts:
norksinmychristmasstocking · 21/12/2009 18:33

Does anyone know what happens when I get the petition - Does it just come through the post or will it go through my solicitor first. Do I have to do anything, or as I am the petitioner, do I have to wait for H to act?

Original poster
tiredoftherain · 21/12/2009 18:51

You petition via your solicitor, and then your H will have to respond to the official petition within 7 days. Normally a letter is sent first advising that the petition will be sent, and then a draft petition is sent to enable your H to contest it if he wants to.

And then I don't know.. that's where I am at the moment!

And leftorright, funnily enough H's petition didn't mention the dc's either.. he was always a lazy father too.

OP posts:
simpson · 21/12/2009 19:00

Can i join??

I asked H to leave in May as he was mentally unstable and DD (now 22mths) was scared of him Although he was never violent, just agressive or the opposite totally passive so I felt I had another child iyswim.

I got a letter today saying my petition is ready to be issued at court so need to go and see solicitor at some point.

But have had massive flood in house and its taking all my energy dealing with insurance arguements claims..

H has now moved back to Ireland (where his family is) and rarely sees kids which is hard to explain to 4yr old DS

norksinmychristmasstocking · 21/12/2009 19:08

Se this is where I am confused. I saw solicitor in Nov, directed her to petition. H recieved letter that I was going to petition, he returned his admission statement and we completed and returned the agreement for children form.

I was told by my solicitor that he should recieve petition the week before xmas, but I have heard nothing from her since.
I am assuming all is in order as she has not written to me asking for any more details. It is just the waiting bit I am finding hard, I feel quite passive in the proceedings IYSWIM.

Guess I will try and ring her tomorrow to find out where we are

leftorright · 21/12/2009 19:10

I know what you mean about the waiting, it's hellish but unfortunately seems to go with the territory. My H claims that documents aren't sent out this close to xmas to avoid the Den and Angie effect!!

simpson · 21/12/2009 19:13

norks - I know what you mean...

My letter from solicitor said that she had not spoken to me since Sept but I had several conersations with her in Oct!!

Also need to speak to her about house being in my name only (If H agrees )

norksinmychristmasstocking · 21/12/2009 19:27

See I specifically wanted mine out next week, as he bagan his affair on 23rd dec last year( well thats what he said) so felt it would be ironic justice for me to petition him the same week a year on

leftorright · 21/12/2009 21:54

My children are very small and we haven't officially told them that we're splitting up. H stays away for work a few nights a week anyway and has always worked antisocial hours, so not a regulary 9 to 5 guy. But I cannot form the words that I have to say to them... Do I really tell them that our love has died, that it's possible for love to just disappear. I tell them that Mummy and Daddy are very cross with each other and that we're making each other sad, but I guess they must be used t0, that to some extent.

I am so sad for having to tell them about the end of love and how to not screw them totally in doing so. My own father died when I was 7 and it has sadly been the defining event of my life. My kids are 6, 3 and 1.

Anyone have any great advice/experience?

lilac21 · 21/12/2009 22:50

leftorright, they are too young to understand that the love between a married couple is so different to the love a parent feels for a child. Mine are 10 and 12, so we had quite a different conversation, but I said to them that we didn't make each other happy any more and they accepted that. We had been sleeping separately for six months by then and didn't do anything together except eat out for DD's birthday, so it wasn't a big surprise.

Just tell them that you, and Daddy, will always love them, no matter what. That is what they need to know.

almostabutterfly · 22/12/2009 11:46

If it's any help, my divorce process has been as follows:

21 September - Contacted solicitor and started the paperwork in terms of statement of arrangements for the children and grounds for the divorce etc. Submitted these to my solicitor on the 24th September
2 October - Papers sent to Court by solicitor
14 October - Divorce petition sent to my exH (he had 14 days to return it).
26 November - Confirmation from my solicitor that exH had returned the forms and wasn't contesting the divorce and agreed with the arrangements for the children
6 December - Forms through to apply for Decree Nisi. Sent back to solicitor on the 7th.
10 December - Confirmation from solicitor that my decree nisi application was being sent to court that day for the Judge to review. Once the Judge has agreed the application the Court will set a date for the Decree Nisi to be pronounced - just found out that mine has been slated for the first week in January. 6 weeks and 1 day after the pronouncement of the Decree Nisi I can apply for the Decree Absolute and the divorce is finalised.

I should point out that my exH and I are fairly amicable now and have been able to sign forms together in some instances which has saved a lot of time. He is buying me out of our house and that will be finalised by the end of this year too. I've handled the financial side of things as a separate issue to the divorce.

Norks - I know what you mean about feeling passive. Initially I just sat and waited for emails or calls, but I now call my solicitor for updates which has helped me.

passmyglassplease · 22/12/2009 12:17

I think I need to join this thread!

The petition has just been sent out, I am filing on the grounds of unreasonable behavior as he wouldn't admit to adultery.

All was well until I received a letter last week saying that he is filing for 50% residency!

He hasn't got a hope in hell of getting it, but it could get very nasty and expensive.

Why can't life just be simple? I wish he would just get lost and leave me and the kids alone

Marinamerlot · 22/12/2009 12:42

Hello I think I am headed that way but it is early days. We have been married for six years but my DH has a temper and can be very abusive (not physically) and aggressive - v critical and swearing etc etc. All in front of the children (9 and 5). I feel such a failure though (the 9 year old is mine from a previous relationship) and I appreciate that the blame isn't on both sides. Anyway he HATES me - hasn't spoken to me for over a week and bites my head off when he does. I have decided that I can't live like this and although I don't want to disrupt the children's lives I don't think this is a good example for them. Sadly he will get v nasty and bullying. He is so close to his DS and I know will go for 50/50 at best, which is a horrible thought. I really wish he would decide to divorce me because life would be easier then. But bullies are cowards aren't they? So good on you ladies who have got further down the line than me. XX

whitetulips · 22/12/2009 15:08

Hi, can I join too?
Our house has been on the market for 4 long months, we have agreed to divorce as soon as it has sold but we are still both living here in misery for now.
I asked for a separation, saying we had just grown apart, I know he had been unfaithful a couple of years back (I caught Chlamydia!). He did not argue, which was a bit strange, however I have since found out he has a 4 year long relationship, which is still ongoing, with a girl he met while we were living abroad.
He was even living with her for a year, while I was in UK with dc.
He has no idea that I know, I have copies of texts he is sending, emails where he boasts of living with her, and a form showing a money transfer to her.He has promised her he will come and get her when the house is sold.
I cannot sit in the same room as him, but because he does not know I know, I have to pretend to be 'normal'.
I can't afford to buy him out, and he won't buy me out, which is why we are selling the house, I am desperate to move on with my life, and can't.
I am going to cite everything in my petition.
I need advice. if I do this, is he more likely to refuse to sign it. I know it won't get me any more money, but it will make me feel a hell of a lot better.
Thank god for places like this.
Happy christmas, if that is possible, to anyone else in the same situation, what a bloody mess!

leftorright · 22/12/2009 19:38

Hi Whitetulips - god that sounds awful. Why can't you let on that you know? Have you had any legal advice? If you are in the Uk, most solicitors will give a first session for free. Also Women's Aid sometimes have pro bono solicitors who can advise you. Maybe if he knows what's coming he will be more compliant, but it seems unlikely he will contest it either way.

The process is surreal enough without having to pretend you don't know - I'm impressed you can keep your cool! Me and H are sort of living together but I find that when he's here or on his way I get snappy, tense and am much jumpier with the kids. We too are trying to sort out the finances and I wish we could just skip through it. I want to get organised and know exactly where I stand re money and visits as I feel totally vulnerable with no plan in place.

whatdoyouallthink · 22/12/2009 20:45

Can I join in too? H left 30th Dec last year. Had been having affair for months. Left me with 3 dc youngest being 5 weeks at the time. Saw solicitor back in March who told me I would be divorced by xmas...but guess what, Im not!

Petition went out finally in August. Another H who wouldnt sign the paper to say he committed adultery so finally went out on unreasonable behaviour. Took him ages to get a solicitor and mine was too accomadating on him and his dithering ways. My solicitor left the practice now have another who also wont take my calls or return voicemail messages and who I have never met.

Have the joy of form e to fill in which is a bit of a head fuck in itself!! Have no idea if I am meant to fill it in with my solicitor or on my own. Have kinda left it now and will deal with it in new year and really hoping once this is filled in it wont take too much longer. Think I am probably dreaming though.

H is still with OW currently things are amicable(ish) we have ups and downs..normally when discussing money.

Seems there are a lot of us in the process of it. I just cant wait for it all to be over.

norksinmychristmasstocking · 22/12/2009 20:50

hi wdtt,
What is a form E?

norksinmychristmasstocking · 22/12/2009 20:51

sorry wdyat

whatdoyouallthink · 22/12/2009 21:30

Its a lovely 28 page document that requires all your financial details and your future financial out goings for dc. Months of bank statements, house valuations, life insurance details, savings, assets over £500 etc etc. A massive headache basically! You both fill one in and then they go to the others solicitor the other party sees it (from what I can work out!) and then the financial aspect of it all is worked out.

ChasingSquirrels · 22/12/2009 21:34

do you need that if you have already agreed between you how you are going to split the finances and are both happy with it?

whatdoyouallthink · 22/12/2009 21:45

Chasingsquirrels, I am really not sure. You may have to google it or ask your solicitor. I have just been sent it with a convering letter. From what I can gather from what I have read online it is standard practice and everyone needs to fill one in.

almostabutterfly · 22/12/2009 21:51

Whatdoyouallthink, I haven't completed one of these forms...In the original form that I filled out there was a "are you happy with the financial arrangements - yes or no" question (paraphrasing but it was no more than that).

My exH and I are separating after two years with no "blame" as it were (not on paper anyway ) so maybe it's different in cases of unreasonable behaviour?

kettlechip · 22/12/2009 22:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

whatdoyouallthink · 23/12/2009 07:21

Yes I am going to need solicitors help with mine its a mindfield and dont really know where to start. I am certainly going to try to get hold of mine in the new year to get it filled in and hope its one step closer.

Im really not sure of the circumstances that Form E has to be filled in. I have spoken to a couple of people who have already been down the divorce route and know they had to do it. But I have no idea the reasons they filled for divorce under so could very well be different.

norksinmychristmasstocking · 23/12/2009 07:47

Have been reading around about the ancillary relief thing and I think that if you can make an amicable decision then the solicitors are involved purely to legalise and document the arrangements.
From what I have now read I think form E is used only when it will go to court for them to decide how the finances will be split.

Mind you may be wrong again, this whole business flumoxes me.

Today is a year since Twat features decided to start turning my world upside down
Really hope the petition comes today.
Will ring and speak to my solicitor later

whatdoyouallthink · 23/12/2009 08:20

Have to agree Norks whole thing is so confusing! I have no idea what I am doing or what is going on.

Do you feel ok about it being a year on? I am coming upto the year mark - 30th December for me. These idiots all seem to have such great timing dont they!

Good luck with the solicitor I hope the petition comes out soon.