I have just told DH to move out after the New Year,

[Awassailinglookingforanswers]

I was very calm, I haven't shouted. His response - nothing really.

It's transpiring that the "changed man" that I got back together with was "changed" because of the drug use (going on behind my back). He's not taken any since before the "incident" in September and it would appear that most of the "changes" (particularly considering my feelings, listening to my point of view and taking it on board) were drug induced.

I won't lie - I@m upset, especially as I spent so many months this year seemingly living with the man I first married, not the one I split up with. But there's too many things that are reminiscent of pre-split that I'm not going to put up with it.

We're not really arguing like we did then, and some of the issues (like housework - or my lack of it ) or the food I cook/buy aren't there, but I'm not going to sit here like a numpty.

It's going to be a tight year for me. I've done the maths, CTC will cover the (thankfullyr recently reduced) mortgage payments, IS, the £20 a month I get to keep of my organ pay and Child benefit will cover the bills and food (just).

I was planning on looking for work when DS3 starts nursery (next September) anyhow, so if I can scrape through until then and then find something I'll get there.

I don't mind him coming here for contact. I haven't kicked him straight out, just told him to make plans to leave in the new year - so it's not like I can't face him being here at all.

It's more the overnight/staying with daddy stuff that's going to be hard on them.

how likey is it that he will get himself in a place where overnight stays will be able to happen.. I think this is going to have to come from him ( ie him sorting himself out).

you won't steer them wrong. both tell them that it will ( overnights) happen as soon as it can, and that your both working on it to make it happen as soon as possible, as you know how important it is for them.

it will be okay.

I think you need to keep it simple. Something along the lines of "daddy hasnt been well and isnt able to look after you atm but he loves you and soon as he is better we will make arrangements".

It will be hard for them but in the long run you are doing the right thing. They need happy parents to be happy themselves and if your marriage wasnt working then that would be difficult to achieve.

Sorry Alfa, I don't know how old your ds's are. I think you just have to 'wing' it and answer their questions as honestly as you can. it's the same as when we can't buy something they want. just be matter-of-fact (with feeling of course) but keep it as simple as you can-'this is what is going to happen, you will see daddy on xday' rather than leave it hanging like an unanswered question.

how did you get on with that text to your old friend? maybe you should keep in touch, as she may prove to be some useful weekend company for the future when overnights/weekends come into play.

i will try to link another thread, where there are a few of us who have v recently split. http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/821445-Those-of-you-who-have-LEFT-an-EMOTIONAL-ABUSIVE-rel ationship here It has some great support for these early days when so much is unsettled.

hugs hun xox

I don't know - don't really know where he's going to go or pay for it. Last year he was mostly in shared houses (until end of November last year) and did manage at least one night a fortnight overnight stay with him almost from the start.

The weekends they couldn't stay overnight - they did at least go to him for the entire day (he picked them up first thing and brought them back just before bed) - won't even be able to do that either.

They don't know that he's not allowed to look after them on his own overnight/full days. They knew about it when it was "not at all" on his own (they figured out within a day that something was different so I explained it simply to them that he wasn't well enough to).

makkapakka - they're 9, 6 and 2 1/2 (but although "only" 2 1/2 he's rather too smart for his own good at times - most people talking to him think he's 3 - not helped by the fact that he's so tall).

Wouldn't be so bad - but they're all daddy's boys (come to me when he's out - but given the choice - ie most of the time as he's not been working so is at all home most days - go straight to him).

oops didn't mean to submit post.

Which old friend was that I was going to text??

Sorry that wasn't very clear. I really meant that the more confident you sound to dc, the more sercure they will feel about what you are telling them iyswim? i explain my depression to ds (3) as being a bad head. he asks why i take tablets and i say to make my head better.

if he has certified medical problems he should be able to apply to the Local Authority for help with Housing, and private rent/Council Tax would also be paid if he is on benefits. does he have a support worker or health worker? they can help him with the practicalities and form filling etc.

As you saw from last time you split, left to his own devices, he can find his own accommodation and survive when he needs to. I have started repeating a mantra when I fell guilty about my ex and how he is coping. He has ADHD but I keep telling myself that he is a grown man, and dc deserve my concern much more than he does. Then i usually go and have cuddles with dc.

xox

Texting was a different thread of yours about aa night out on fri 18th? You weren't sure if she intended to invite you or not.

my dc are daddy's too I have tried to make sure they can phone whenever they want (x not playing ball tho) and given even more cuddles after contact or visits. reassuring whispers of 'i know you're sad and you miss dad' when they are upset help too. something to do with simply acknowledging to them directly that you understand how they are feeling even though they are not able to articulate or identify their emotions themselves iirc.

for the older ones as well, i would look at mind.org and similar sites for advice on explaining depression/dh's problems to children. one of the sites is bound to have some information. maybe a site for young carers would have some?

He won't get help with his housing, we looked into it just before he came out of hospital (with all the relevant people) because he has a mortgage (it's all in his name) he can't get his rent paid.

He got it sorted last time as he had a job. He has no job, only income will be his £64.30 a week ESA. And he didn't survive - he totally fell to pieces and that's how we ended up where we were in September.

Thing is - he's not really an EA . Before we split he was quite often, but this, this is different, we just don't get on, he doesn't understand me (not sure I always understand him). I've changed a LOT since the start of last year (just before the initial split), I got myself out of another relationship that was on the way to being EA (that bloke I dated over the summer) as the signs were all there.

This - this is just him being an arse

Even once I was (very happily) single I was still worried about him. I like him (I think he does actually still like me as well) and I do have reasonably high hopes that, presuming his few friends pull round, and he uses the support from his CMHT to stay "on track" with his life that we can remain as friends.

Our outlook on how a relationship between a married couple in their 30's is......it transpires now very different, what is/isn't "normal" and within the bounds of acceptability. (There's things from both sides there - things that he thinks are normal and I think are nuts, and vice versa).

He feels I'm trying to "trap" him, and I feel he's not listening to me. The conversation we had today was similar to a couple of spats we've had in recent weeks. Him thinking one thing and me thinking another.........and as I personally know couples where both different ways of running the relationship happen (and all of them happy with how it is in their relationship I think we're both right. Just totally different way of coming from it - actually chatted to a friend after the service tonight who is in a marriage which is similar to what DH thinks is "normal", they're both very happy.

And one of my other close friends is in a relationship that works pretty much like how I think it should be......and she's happy.

Funny thing is that before we split I think our views were opposite to what they are now. So while separated I changed from what I was, to what I am now, and he changed from what I am now to what I was.

Oh I'm waffling now

www.amazon.co.uk/When-Parent-Depressed-William-Beardslee/dp/0316738891/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&s=books&qi d=1261352750&sr=1-3-spell may have some ideas??

oh - that friend (sorry x posts with you). No I saw her at the school and we finalised arrangements,,,,,,,,,,,,then it was bloody cold on Friday night and I cancelled (as did most of the other people apparently - group went from the initial 20, down to 10 when I spoke to her on the Thursday down to 3 of them on the night)

They do know about depression (I've had it several times over the years - my worst "bout" last year just after we split and I took and OD) so thankfully they do understand a bit about it, and I've explained his (DH's) to them in the same way.

I understand the role-reversal completely.

I still love and care for xp, and I don't think that will ever go away. All i know is that we cannot get on (he is EA!!). That makes me unhappy plus the arguing and subsequent 'snapping' at dc is not fair on them. It sounds like you have already distanced yourself somewhat, but now you have to be clinical and go that step further.

He still is a grown up ( ) and it is his choice to sink or swim. What you have at the moment is a parent/child relationship where you are looking after his wellbeing. He has the support behind him CMHT and they can help him with the things you can no longer do. How long has he been entitled to ESA? Iirc after a certain period he can apply for DLA as it becomes a long-term health condition. Then he can claim IS on top in his own right to cover the rent. Housing benefit have discretion to award rent rebate in certain circumstances. could cmht write a supporting letter? and anyone else you can think of (GPs, solicitors etc) to state that he is unable to reside at your address.

In the mean time, he needs to sort his own accomodation even if it is sleeping on someones sofa. These are the choices he is making by his behaviour, past and present.

oh I know it's still his choice to sink or swim, and I really does hope he swims. He's only got the one friend round here, and no family close by really either so he's going to be on his own.

At the moment the ESA is on appeal - they turned him down after he apparentl scored 0 in his medical assessment they did (they based in purely on that, and the form which he filled in himself 2 weeks after coming out of hospital - didn't contact his doctor or look at any other supporting evidence from the CMHT)

The housing benefit thing is a definite no - when he was still in hospital (so I still had the "marks" and wasn't sure about him coming striaght home) he was actually able to meet with the person from HB who goes in to advise, he had the meeting suported by a worker from the hospital. He was told that he wouldn't be entitled even under the discretionary rules.

He's at the awkward stage that benefits don't like - not well enough to work, but not really ill enough to get the other stuff.

I'm going to leave him to sort all that stuff out though, he's seeing his CPN on Tuesday anyhow (who is lovely) so I'm sure she'll point him in the right direction.

onwards and upwards - this will be a great Christmas for the DS's no matter what

DH has gone out - we've go a kids Christmas CD blasting full volume and are currently tidying up/rearranging furniture to get the tree and decorations up.

I battled through the spiderwebs (eeek) to get the Christmas decoration box out of the greenhouse so we're all set to go.

way to go hun! remember all these great times, write a journal entry so you can look at it when you are wobbly x

having a "break" to cook dinner - got the lounge half of the lounge diner totally blitzed (cleaned), tree up and decorations up.

Still need to do the "diner" side (ad the bit in the middle where I hang the cards) - but that should be quicker and easier as there's no tree, and no lights, plus less furniture to clean around/under/behind.

Save the rest for tomorrow, you've done enough for one day.

Then you can come and do mine

oh yes I am saving the rest for tomorrow.

DH is currently watching Family Guy (quite loudly) I'm sure he thinks it's pissing me orf...........but I LOVE Family Guy

alf, my love - so sorry, only just found this, had my own troubles in the last few days.

fwiw, it sounds to me like you've made the only decision you could under the circs. What a shame that the lovely DH was drug-inspired - am gutted for you. It sounds like he is resigned to the inevitable, when in reality HE should be fighting to make it work - sad, really. You will at least know exactly where you stand if you are on your own again, and will get all the support mechanisms in place all the time, rather than having to run around like a loon to set them up when your DH lets you down.

Have an unMNly (((hug))) or several - so it's come to this again but happy that you are being strong enough to do it. And your DSs will have a great Christmas - cos you will make it a great one - and I'm sure that they will cope with DH leaving again, it's not like they're never going to see him, is it?

sorry to hear this ALFA, you must do what is bets for you ant the boys

Hiya Alfa, just checking in, hope ur ok x