I have just told DH to move out after the New Year,

[Awassailinglookingforanswers]

I was very calm, I haven't shouted. His response - nothing really.

It's transpiring that the "changed man" that I got back together with was "changed" because of the drug use (going on behind my back). He's not taken any since before the "incident" in September and it would appear that most of the "changes" (particularly considering my feelings, listening to my point of view and taking it on board) were drug induced.

I won't lie - I@m upset, especially as I spent so many months this year seemingly living with the man I first married, not the one I split up with. But there's too many things that are reminiscent of pre-split that I'm not going to put up with it.

We're not really arguing like we did then, and some of the issues (like housework - or my lack of it ) or the food I cook/buy aren't there, but I'm not going to sit here like a numpty.

It's going to be a tight year for me. I've done the maths, CTC will cover the (thankfullyr recently reduced) mortgage payments, IS, the £20 a month I get to keep of my organ pay and Child benefit will cover the bills and food (just).

I was planning on looking for work when DS3 starts nursery (next September) anyhow, so if I can scrape through until then and then find something I'll get there.

oh goodness - which is worse - getting amnesia or being down and really upset??

So far since 1pm I have

Walked straight past the milk aisle in the supermarket, ended up down the meats and wondering HTF I missed the aisle (I know the supermarket like the back of my hand)

Got half way home and realised that I had forgotten to buy the potatoes for the leek and potato soup.

So - brought other shopping home - went straight out to the local shop, got there, picked up the potatoes and realised I'd taken my wallet out of my pocket and left it at home (I was only in the house 30 seconds) so had to come home and get it

Put ingredients in the bread maker before I jumped in the shower 20 minutes ago - all taken from the recipe not from memory. Just got out the shower and realised I'd forgotten to but the butter in - have since chucked some in and hope it's ok

you've got a lot on your mind alfa, it's not surprising that you're not 100% with it today!!

I guess.

Stupidly said to DH that he seem "relieved" - he said I shouldn't try and read his mind and that if I said it for the reaction (huh - I could think of MUCH worse things to say for a "reaction" actually given what's happened in the last few months) I wasn't going to get one.

oh - well soup is on the stove, heading out of here at 5pm for 2 hours or so. Actually I'll probably send the DS's straight back over after the service and stay and drink lots of coffee and mince pies after.

sorry,just come back to this

if there is a chance that the drugs triggered his attack on you and he was doing it behind your back after you got back together, then it is a total and utter deal breaker, far more of an issue than housework or cooking, an untidy room won;t put any of you in physical danger

Lulu - don't really want to drag all that back up - but in short, the drugs behind my back was a complicated cycle, he wanted to tell someone (turns out he tried to tell his sister some months back, but she understood it that he'd been taking them before we got back together) but unfortunately he was so incredibly paranoid that he's admitted (both on his own to the team that's looking after him now - and to me to my face) that he was too scared to tell me. The drugs were (probably) triggering the psychosis or at the very least making it worse. There were a horrible set of circumstances that surrounded the whole weekend before the incident - which I'd really rather not re-hash over now. I don't want that becoming the reason that I've told him to leave, because it's not (although I suppose in some respects it's linked)

Anyhow, it's not the drug use (which has now stopped) that's the issue.

Ironically the things that are an issue now weren't an issue when he was at his most ill .

Heading off to church in a minute, but will be back later, probably needing a gentle kick up the backside to lift my mood.

and actually the issues now are much more simple that the whole mental health/drugs ones - which in some ways is a relief

I haven't ever posted on your threads but have followed them, and I hope this doesn't come out wrong, but I am relieved for you because you really have given the marriage every chance and now it has to be right that you admit it isn't going to work. He won't let it.

You should be prepared now though, as you have given him his marching orders he will probably think he has carte blanche to do whatever he wants over Christmas - since there is no threat hanging over him.

You know that you deserve better - I hope 2010 is the year that you allow yourself to have it.

fair enough, as i said i had only sort of skimmed what has been going on, you don;t need to rehash anything. hope all works out for you and the boys xx

mrsboogie....my thoughts too.

just take care of yourselves. have you given any thought to where he will go?

oh I've told him he has carte blanche to do what he likes - and I fully expect him to do so.

Means I might actually get some stuff done.

I'm still more comfortable doing my housework/sorting in the evenings.......and that's quite tricky when he's sat watching TV .

He did suggest curtly (just before I left for church - which was a lovely service btw - my boys did me proud, DS1 with his duet for the first verse of Once in Royal, and DS1 and 2 both in their respective school choirs ) that he could go before Christmas if he wanted.

I told him he could - but I suggested after Christmas for the boys sake.

Then he added "well is there an actual deadline for me going as I'd rather sort something out properly than just put other people out for a while"

yeah whatever.

I think I need a glass of wine and lots of smokes (don't worry those of you that remember start of last year - it will be just the one ).

But coffee first.

I expect it will be a quiet evening here once he comes down from putting DS3 to bed

Alfa, I remember your threads from when you first split, to you getting back together, and then the stuff that happened in September.

I have seen that you have done more than most people would have the strength to do to save your marriage - nobody can say that you haven't tried your hardest and given him every chance possible.

You sound as though you have really made your mind up now and are happy with the decision. I dont doubt that you are cut up about the marriage ending, but I mean that you sound happy that you have made the right choice.

I hope this doesn't ruin Christmas for you and he can at least be civil until he moves out.

I really wish you and your gorgeous DS's a much better 2010. You are strong enough to do this.

Thanks you triffic. I'm hoping it won't ruin it too much, obviously not going to be the fabulous first Christmas back together-back in "the house" etc etc. But I shall do my damndest to make it a good one for the boys,

rather glad I bought that "proper" Christmas tree now as it adds (or will do once I take it out the netting and get it up with the tomorrow) that extra bit of magic.

In a dream world DH would have the attitude towards me/my feelings/my emotions now that he had earlier this year, but I'm sure that's not going to happen. I have told him that there'll be no coming back to me again when the shit hits the fan for him, as I don't intend to be the one he can run back to when his life is all over the place.

Tiffany - I don't know where he's going to go. Right now I'm not bothered - it's not my problem. He can't have the DS's overnight anyhow as SS agreement is still only for short periods during the day.

I stood back last year and watched him fall, I've stepped in again and have (I hope) helped him back up again. Obviously it's not done anything for me but I don't regret it at all. Even once I was "settled" as a single parent at the end of last year (before he asked to get back together) and was planning a future alone with the DS's I still hated seeing him falling like he was.

I don't hate him, I don't dislike him even, I still like him, but as a couple it's just not going to work and I'm not going to bail him out again. I told him that at the start of this year that I was putting a lot on the line getting back together with him (little did I know just how much at the time - I didn't bargain on him being so ill!) and now he knows I'm serious.

I am cut up about it ending, we had our 10th anniversary the other week and it looked like we could still have "made it". But now, well, I guess it's over and it does hurt.

I didn't put any of my own plans on hold this year, and so I can move forwards into next year and find out what next year holds.

Oh dear. I'm both sorry to hear this and very impressed by your strength and resolution. (And then you managed to go out and play the organ for a service - how impressive is that!)

Best wishes for Christmas and for 2010.

well - this is going to sound cold and shallow, but I know I can live without DH in my life (I did it last year), I can't live without my music, it's my release, I love doing it, and it's more "me" than being a wife is, I've been doing my music in one form another for much longer than I've even known DH, and (non-Christians may not quite "get" this bit) it's something I feel I should be doing as well.

I went and played for our after school service the day after the incident in September - although admittedly kept my head "low" while playing as I looked like I'd done 12 rounds with Mike Tyson.

oh blimey he's gone all "it's your house and you're now doing me a favour on me"

Some dance things on BBC3 and he asked if I wanted the 15p now as he wanted to vote. And then thanking me for (specificially)cooking him dinner. Well 15p on the phone bill is hardly going to break the bank and he knows I spent £1 voting for a local school in the People's Millions, and of course I cooked the dinner - I always do - and the DS's need feeding. I'm hardly going to starve him until he goes.

Arghh - he'll drive me nutty if he's going to be doing the over-the-top "I'm staying in your house" malarky.

an UN-MNly (((CUDDLE))) from me, too.

So sorry love. I mentioned I thought I'd missed a bit but this thread clarifies it.

Sounds like you have done all you can.

My words on the other thread still stand though - this New Year WILL be a better one. Even if the circmstances aren't what we hoped I hope it brings you comfort and peace.

thanks. Feeling a bit numb tonight - not really quite with it.

He's out tomorrow lunchtime - so think I'll rearrange the furniture and get the tree in it's stand, put the lights up etc. Hopefully decorate it too.

I didn't feel like eating, but managed some leek and potato soup and homemade bread that I made earlier.

Have been followingf your posts but never posted...didn't really know what to say without sounding like a twit!

But I wanted to say that you are incredibly strong! You are so strong to have realised what is right for you and your DC's.

I wish you all the love, luck and peace for the future...the brilliant future you and your lovely DC's will have xx

I just hope I'm doing the right thing for the DS's.

They were happy when I was single, they were really happy when we got back together and we (DS's and I) moved back here.

I think they're all going to be devastated by him moving out again

ALFA have followed your posts, you have done absolutly everything you could have done.

Your a strong woman, ( I wish I was as strong as you) you already know that you'll be okay.

Your allowed a quiet wallow .. as actually after everything you put into it.. it's just isn't fair love.

make the most you can of christmas.. and a big UNMN ((hug)) x

the worst thing is for the boys is that they won't get overnight stays with him wherever he goes for the foreseeable future, how on earth am I (we) going to break that to them.

thats what i thought earlier,and why i asked if you knew where he was going. options could be a contact centre,or third party supervision with friends/family if you can't face having him back in your home for contact.