I have just told DH to move out after the New Year,

[Awassailinglookingforanswers]

I was very calm, I haven't shouted. His response - nothing really.

It's transpiring that the "changed man" that I got back together with was "changed" because of the drug use (going on behind my back). He's not taken any since before the "incident" in September and it would appear that most of the "changes" (particularly considering my feelings, listening to my point of view and taking it on board) were drug induced.

I won't lie - I@m upset, especially as I spent so many months this year seemingly living with the man I first married, not the one I split up with. But there's too many things that are reminiscent of pre-split that I'm not going to put up with it.

We're not really arguing like we did then, and some of the issues (like housework - or my lack of it ) or the food I cook/buy aren't there, but I'm not going to sit here like a numpty.

It's going to be a tight year for me. I've done the maths, CTC will cover the (thankfullyr recently reduced) mortgage payments, IS, the £20 a month I get to keep of my organ pay and Child benefit will cover the bills and food (just).

I was planning on looking for work when DS3 starts nursery (next September) anyhow, so if I can scrape through until then and then find something I'll get there.

so sorry to hear its not working....you tried sooo hard too

oh dear. when you say drugs, do you mean proper pharmeceuticals or the other kind?

you deserve to feel safe and secure as do teh boys and you can do that on your own.

have not really followed your story the last few months in great detail as you've had loads of support but i know you've had it tough with little RL support . you don't need to make it harder by being the only one trying in the marraige

Sorry you are looking like your back to square one Always.

I am sure you are more than upset, all that you have been though with/because of him

Remember how well you were coping before you got back together with him, after feeling so crap for so long after the first split. You can and will do this, and personally I think you are very brave for making this decision for you and your DC

well I had briefly considered telling him last week, and then we had a couple of days where he seemed to have taken some of it on board.

Then this afternoon (just after lunch) he asked if I'd mind if he went out on Christmas eve (after I've played for midnight mass - so gone midnight) - want to "go and have a drink and keep his friend (who'll be working on the door) "company".

I said (again miraculously calmly!) that I'd prefer if he didn't go, but he could if he wanted. Then a whole load of non-sense followed (no shouting

Sorry to read this Alfa. I have not followed your story closely, but have been aware of the fact that you have done so much to try and save your marriage. I am sorry that it has not worked out.

When you say drugs do you mean illegals?

That sucks, Awwasailing!

answers, i'm so sorry

i'm proud of you though (in a weirdy 'haven't met you but feel i know you' sort of way) for having the courage and wisdom to do what is right for you and the boys.

you must be so angry to discover that what he did to you which you forgave as you thought it was due to mental health issues was drug induced

I'm so sorry. I haven't really followed your threads but I have looked in on them every once in a while iykwim and it does sound like you tried your best to make it work.

I hope things work out for you. Good luck with the future job hunt. Are you still doing OU? Were you doing OU? Hopefully in the future you will get a great job with that. You just need to manage untill then and try not to get too down about it.

oh ALFA I'm sure you've got lots of closer friends to support you, but feel free to message me on FB if you like.

Stay strong.

What was his reaction?

I'm really sorry to hear this, but it does sound that you are doing the right thing.

Lulu - no not pharmecutical drugs, "recreational" ones - he'd been taking them on a "casual" basis last year apparently (while we were split) but unbeknowns to me it had continued when we were back together.

Mostly skunk, I know he took "other" stuff as well, but not sure whether that was before we were back together or since (and he's not sure either, as he was suffering from depression and out on the drugs). The psychotic episode in September (when he attacked me) was almost certainly triggered by the skunk he'd smoked a day or two before (quite possibly a "bad batch").

I could do with a good cry - definitely - but not right now, I need to shower, get dinner sorted and play for the Carol Service at church tonight - it's the "big one" - so will no doubt hold it together until later tonight - then have a good sob.

As you say - I got through last year, I'll get through this.

Tulips - there were 2 seperate diagnosis.

There was the depression and then (separately) the psychosis. The meetings with his CMHT have revealed that they were both quite linked, but at the same time separate.

I suspected he was depressed long before any of the negative side effects of the drugs really started taking hold (the paranoia, delusions, pschosis etc).

Oh ALFA

That is such a shame, you have tried so hard. I really hope things work out for you and that 2010 is a happier year.

You should get to keep £20 a WEEK of your organ pay, love

Shiney - yes I've just finished (and passed ) my first OU course, start another in February.

At least this time I've worked out I can keep the house, and know the mortgage is paid. Last time it was just too much to scrape out of the CTC/IS/CB etc etc, but it recently halved so that's "doable" (just). They (bank) won't let me take it over yet - so it'll just be a case of when his mortgage interest relief stops setting up the direct debit from my account. Once I'm working (fingers crossed by this time next year) I should be able to talk to the bank about taking it on. And good thing is that I only have 3 small(ish) debts which I'm paying off, which will only take 12-24 months to finish paying off so once they're out of the way that money would then be available to go towards the mortgage if (when) interest rate goes up again.

I thought that too coldtits

Sorry that was coldly logical.

The only way is up

duh - coldtits - that's what I meant - £20 a week .

Right off for a shower - may have a good ol' sob in there out of earshot of the boys.

Will no doubt be back later plied with lots of coffee (and then once DS's are in bed later - fags).

you'll get apayment from dh too,,,,£5 a week! not much,but helps

keeping £20 a week i mean, not being coldly logical!

So sorry You have tried so hard to make this work and it sounds as though because of that you are really clear and know that you have made the right decision.
Hope 2010 is much much better for you.