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Original poster

Young DSD, pregnant and father doesn't know

60 replies

MunsterMonster · 18/12/2009 20:01

DSD (14) has been acting a little odd recently. Very quiet and as if something was on her mind.

Me and DP put it down to school pressures.

Last Monday however, she told me she was pregnant in confidence. She had told nobody else.

She was terrified of her dad finding out (with good reason as he does fly off the handle without listening).

I told her we would make sure first, before taking it any further. I bought a home pregnancy kit, it was positive. I took her to the doctor, result was positive.

Its been a week since I've known and I've still not told DP. I don't know what to do, I'm torn between loyalty to him and my promise to her that I wouldn't tell anyone.

Obviously he has a right to know but I'm so scared and confused by it all. God knows how she must be feeling and god knows how he will react when he finds out I knew.

OP posts:

HinnyPet · 18/12/2009 20:02

Don't you need to find out what DSD wants to do ?

Original poster

MunsterMonster · 18/12/2009 20:04

Yes she wants to keep the baby and says she will tell her dad "soon"

OP posts:

ginnny · 18/12/2009 20:07

Has she told her Mum?
I think you need to speak to her again and ask what she wants to do and at least go through the options with her.
I think your DH should be told asap. He'll be really upset that you knew and didn't tell him.

FabIsGettingReadyForXmas · 18/12/2009 20:09

I think you should tell her that you will support her but she will have to tell someone soon and not let on you knew.

JeMeSouviens · 18/12/2009 20:09

I think you and your DSD should sit down with her dad tonight and tell him. You'll be there as a mediator to hopefully keep everything calm.

dinoroar · 18/12/2009 20:10

Could you offer to tell her dad for her (when she is not there) so that if he flies off the handle, which presumably he will, you can take the brunt of it? And try and get him calmed down in order that he can be supportive to her when he actually faces her. She is in a very difficult position and he must support her or she may harbour resentment for the rest of her life - if you prepare him, he may be able to be kind to her rather than throwing a fit.

Wattinger · 18/12/2009 20:22

Does DSD have a relationship with her Mum? Can she be encouraged to talk to her Mum about the pregnancy?

I agree with Dino that if your DP is going to go nuts it may be worth you telling him and giving him time to calm down and reflect before he speaks to his DD.

boyraiser · 18/12/2009 20:33

That's an invidious position to be in, for both you and her. How many weeks pregnant is she?

The suggestion of telling her dad for her (with her permission) and giving him a chance to come to terms with the information, sounds good to me. Clearly her dad will need to know - even if he goes ape initially. The longer you leave it before telling him, the complicated it becomes, and the more compromised your own relationship with him is.

Thank goodness your DSD has a caring adult to help her through a very scarey time. You sound like a lovely stepmum.

verytellytubby · 18/12/2009 20:39

Her parents need to know. Your DP needs to know ASAP as you don't want him to resent you for knowing longer.

She's a baby herself and needs to be guided. She's going to be scared of telling her parents but they need to be involved. To be honest if she won't tell him I would break your promise to her.

bentneckwine1 · 18/12/2009 20:41

When my mum found out that my teenage sister was pregnant she called my dad's work and told him to come home as there was an emergency. (He actually thought that something had happened to me as I was away at university in another part of the country).

Mum watched for his car arriving and met him at the front gate..she then made him get in the car and drive to a local beach where they often walked the dog. Mum told him what was wrong to which he replied matter of factly 'well what's done is done and we just have to get on with it'!! Sooooo not what my mum was expecting and she was really surprised and impressed with how he handled the situation. On return to the house he just said to my sister that him and mum would do what they could to support her but that she had to realise that the baby was my sisters and that mum wouldn't be giving up work to look after the baby.

Dad assumed from the start that my sister would be having the baby...whereas my mum surprisingly was the one who suggested other alternatives to my sister.

I hope you and your dsd can sit down with her dad and talk it through. Take Care.

ChippingIn · 19/12/2009 06:52

You must be a lovely stepmum for her to feel safe confiding in you However, I think you need to talk to her and explain that one of you needs to tell her Dad, otherwise the trust that you and he have will be broken and that is not going to help any of you. Good Luck.

TishTosh21 · 19/12/2009 10:33

I think I know how your DSD is feeling, i got pregnant at 14 too, my parents flew off the handle, grounded me, stopped me seeing my closest friend, I had no one to talk to. So my parents flying off the handle and not being at all supportive really didnt help, so in my opinion please be as supportive as you can towards her. Tell her your there if she wants to talk, respect any decision she makes, you cant force someone to do anything they dont want to and shouting at them only makes them more determined.

Tortington · 19/12/2009 10:37

you have to tell your dp. You have to tell her that you have to tell your dp - she's had her chances to tell him, give her one more - then tell him.

but please as the poster before said - take him out of the house away from dsd to a quiet place and tell him

ErikaMaye · 19/12/2009 10:44

I'm 18, and my little boy is five and a half weeks old. Was seventeen when I fell pregnant, and had only been with my (still) DP a week I was terrified of telling my parents; we don't have the best of relationships. I said DP was ill so had to stay at his to look after him for a few days whilst we worked out what we were going to say. I turned up at my mums work and told her in front of everyone so she couldn't fly off the handle. Told dad when he came home from work - thankfully he'd had a good day. They were both shocked (but then so were we!!) but actually a hell of a lot more supportive than I thought they would be.

We have fallen out since, and admittedly things have been tense at times with two of us trying to mother in the same house, but really - get it over and done with!!! Its so much worse the longer you leave it, for both of you.

If your DSD wants someone to talk to who's been in a similar position, I'm more than happy to give you my email address to pass on to her. Obviously no obligation on your part, but so the offer is there for you both.

Is the baby's father involved at all?

Try to be there with her when she tells him so she's not doing it alone, and so you can defuse the situation if nessicary.

She's luck to have such a caring stepmother, and you're lucky to have a stepdaughter who trusts you so much.

Best of luck.,x

skidoodle · 19/12/2009 10:45

Her Dad doesn't have a right to know, neither does her Mum. This is her pregnancy and it's going to have to be up to her when she wants to tell her parents.

It is great that your SD has confided in you - at least one responsible adult that loves her knows what she is going through.

Obviously keeping her confidence puts you in an awkward position with regard to your husband, but the position she's in should be the priority right now.

Please don't break her confidence - the trust of a 14 year old is a very precious gift, if you break it you will do untold harm to her relationship with you and her father.

If she wants to keep the baby obviously she is going to have to tell her father at some point, but this is a massive thing that is happening to her and there is no need to rush her into any decisions.

Going "public" about being pregnant is a really big deal for adult women who are happy to be pregnant. Telling your irascible father that you are 14 and knocked up is not going to be easy. You can help her to tell him and to start facing up to the new and very scary reality she is facing.

Your DH will be glad his daughter had an adult she trusted to hold her hand through this. Unless he is a very unreasonable man he is not going to have a sulk about not being the first to know. This isn't about him. Or you. It's about her. She's so young and this is huge.

mrsjammi · 19/12/2009 10:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

spicemonster · 19/12/2009 10:58

I think her parents do have a right to know - she's under the age of consent for a start.

But I think you need to explain to her that her parents need to know and ask her if she would like her to tell her dad rather than her tell him.

That way you can manage the fall out and she can still retain a sense of being in control.

Poor you, poor her. 14 is too young to be a mother IMO

Original poster

MunsterMonster · 19/12/2009 10:58

dsd lives with us. So DP will find out very soon anyway, then he'll wonder why I never told him. She's not exactly close to her mum either. I'm at a loss of what to do.

OP posts:

EcoMouse · 19/12/2009 10:59

Encourage her to give her permission for you to tell him. As dino said, if he has an excessively reactive nature you could protect her from the brunt of it.

I agree with skidoodle that no pregnant woman should be forced or coerced into sharing their pregnancy, however, she is a child and you are the responsible adult she has turned to. The stress and anxiety this must be causing her is best addressed.

Does her GP surgery offer any counselling for teen pregnancy? There are support groups and specialist advisers for pregnant youngsters, have you checked what is available locally to you? Are you in Ireland?

mrsjammi · 19/12/2009 11:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

ErikaMaye · 19/12/2009 11:08

By the way - there are specialist teenage midwives and antenatal classes. I found it much easier to be in a group of people around my age at first when I was rather concious of my decision.

skidoodle · 19/12/2009 11:10

Don't keep putting pressure on her to tell. She needs to get her own head straight before she can do that.

Help her with that - take her out shopping as mrsjammi suggested but talk about the pregnancy and the baby in a normal, matter of fact way. If you can normalise this for her then it will seem less terrifying to tell her Dad.

If you make this all about telling her Dad rather than all about how she's feeling you will alienate her and make her think that your concern is for him an for yourself, rather than for her.

spicemonster - the age of consent is a complete irrelevance to the fact that no pregnant woman is obliged to tell anyone about their pregnancy. The only rights here are those of the pregnant 14 year old. Everyone else is just playing a supporting role (and hopefully also a supportive one).

Ivykaty44 · 19/12/2009 11:14

I would not be happy at being iput in this position, It make for family problems with secrets and people being kept in the dark

if I was your dp I would feel cross that such an important thing happenig had been "kept" from me and be cross at you as well as sad at my dd for not telling me.

I would tell your dd thatas you are married/together she has placed you in a v difficult position, please can she tell her dad - as she is keeping the baby she does need to.

I would not lie to your dp and make out that you didn't know - these things always hav a way of coming out later and causing troble between you and dp. Please dont ask you dsd to tell her dad and make out you didn't know.

Please sit down togethe rwith him and explain that she told you as you are a woman she could come to as another female.

Sorry but she has been adult enough to hav sex - she is going tohave to be adult enough to stand up and tell her dad.

also how did this happen - unprotected sex neeeds checking at gum clinic

jands · 19/12/2009 11:24

MM
Clearly a difficult situation all round and I feel for you. Without wanting to add to your already unbearable pressure, DSD needs both of her parents to know before her school finds out. I hate to say this but the school will raise a child protection issue if her parents aren't already involved.
I wish you all the best of luck. x

SolidGoldpiginablanket · 19/12/2009 11:24

Definitely the best thing to do is get her permission for you to tell her dad first and take the edge off it if he is going to flip his lid. He may well behave himself, of course, let's hope so.
If she is continuing the pregnancy, obviously her dad will have to know, it's not something that can be hidden, however he doesn't have any rights over her. She's a person, not a piece of his property, and if his 'flying off the handle' means that he is likely to beat her up or throw her out of the house (not saying he will, just wondering if your phrase implied previous DV) then you need to sort her out a safe place to stay (or indeed get your H removed from the house if he's violent, violent men forfeit all rights over other people).

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