Young DSD, pregnant and father doesn't know

[MunsterMonster]

DSD (14) has been acting a little odd recently. Very quiet and as if something was on her mind.

Me and DP put it down to school pressures.

Last Monday however, she told me she was pregnant in confidence. She had told nobody else.

She was terrified of her dad finding out (with good reason as he does fly off the handle without listening).

I told her we would make sure first, before taking it any further. I bought a home pregnancy kit, it was positive. I took her to the doctor, result was positive.

Its been a week since I've known and I've still not told DP. I don't know what to do, I'm torn between loyalty to him and my promise to her that I wouldn't tell anyone.

Obviously he has a right to know but I'm so scared and confused by it all. God knows how she must be feeling and god knows how he will react when he finds out I knew.

gappy, for the record, I did not even hint that anyone should be "written of" for being in this situation

yes, you can find a different path, of course you can

but you never get those innocent, carefree teenage years back and it is that loss of childhood and having to grow up too quickly that I would mourn for my dd

"skidoddle - is it really childish? would you feel upset and cross if your dc kept this from you? or would it be fine that they didn't feel they could come and seek your support and help?"

Yes, it is really childish.

If my 14 year old daughter was pregnant, I hope to God I'd be able to put any feelings of being hurt or upset to one side and help her deal with her situation.

If she chose not to seek my support and help, then that would be her choice and I would respect that.

Getting cross because someone doesn't want to confide in you or doesn't feel (for whatever reason) that they want your help is extremely selfish. I also think it makes a bit of a joke of the "support" you are offering if it is compulsory.

I do not think the awkward situation the OP has been put in comes even close to the awkward situation this young girl is in. She's the priority now, not the adults.

Yes Skidoodle, I would agree with you one hundred percent. This is her body, her baby, her choice.

I am horrified that there are actually people who think that parents don't have a right to know if their child is pregnant under age.

At fourteen she cannot vote, cannot drive a car, cannot drink, cannot take out a loan or a credit card, and yet she can have a baby, possibly one of the biggest things that any woman has to do in their life, and no-one has a right to know? Bloody ridiculous.

And this has nothing to do with the thoughts and feelings of the parents IMO - it has everything to do with the fact at as a parent I would be legally responsible for my child and her welfare.

And this is also not just about her feelings. It is about bringing another person into the world which will affect her entire family. And having a baby at fourteen will affect her entire family, whether she wants that or not. If she is old enough to have and keep a baby at fourteen, then she is old enough to have to face the consequences of that, ie to tell her parents. Because they will after all most likely have to play a huge part in that baby's life if the girl is to make anything of her's after this.

But if she had gone to the school counsellor and disclosed her pregnancy, they would have had a professional and ethical duty to keep that disclosure confidential. Same as if she had gone to the doctor to ask for emergency contraception. So her parents DON'T automatically have a 'right' to know do they?

OP, my fifteen (just!) year old sister put me in a very similar position a couple of years ago. There's a thirteen year age gap between us, btw.

I can recall my feelings quite well:

I was - fuming that the silly mare had gotten herself pregnant

-Impressed that she'd realised, tested and thought about what she wanted to do.

• Honoured (and even more impressed) that she'd thought to trust me with the information and ask for help.

• Worried sick about how the rest of the family was going to react, and how on Earth I was going to explain that I'd known and not said anything.

In the end, I took the course of deciding that I should respect the honesty and trust she'd shown me (and the sense - can you imagine what it must take at fourteen to even admit to yourself that you're pregnant, much less face anyone else?) whilst strongly encouraging her to be honest with our mum.

In the end, I sat next to her whilst she 'confessed', then let her escape to her friends whilst I sat and took the flak. And, yes, I did get demands of 'You knew, and didn't say anything?' but my response was that, in the short term at least, it wasn't my secret to tell and that I had to give my sister the chance.

I think (I don't know, because it never came to it) that I would have told my mother eventually anyway. But not to start with.

Have another chat with your DSD, tell her you're impressed with her behaviour so far, and explain that you think she needs to tell her dad.

Say that you'll be with her, say that you'll even say the words if you have to, but that she needs to carry on being as grown up and as sensible as she has been so far.

If your DH really is likely to fly off the handle, arrange a bolt hole for the kid over night, so that she can run and you deal with the immediate fall out.

It's tough, but at the end of the day, the worst he can throw at you is 'Why didn't you tell me?' and your answer is clear enough - 'Because I wanted to give your daughter chance to tell her yourself, as the adult she's very rapidly going to have to be, and I thought she needed a few days to get her head around doing that. It's a hard thing she had to do.'

Good luck.

very good advice ginny

super advice ginny your sister is lucky to have you

wannabe the parents of a pregnant 14 year old do not have the right to know. that can make you as angry as you feel like getting, but it is a fact.

there are women in this country whose families would kill them, not figuratively but actually, if they found out they were pregnant. do you think that they have a right to know that their daughter is pregnant so that they can arrange to have her murdered?

just because parents want to be able to control everything about their teenage children doesn't mean that should be facilitated.

Please be careful not to force her into anything she doesn't want to do without at least talking through it with her first. My mum did nearly two years ago now and I doubt very much our relationship will ever be the same again.

at the nice comments...

Not convinced my sister agrees, 'specially not when I'm bollocking her for being a stroppy little madam!

OP, how's it going?