Young DSD, pregnant and father doesn't know

[MunsterMonster]

DSD (14) has been acting a little odd recently. Very quiet and as if something was on her mind.

Me and DP put it down to school pressures.

Last Monday however, she told me she was pregnant in confidence. She had told nobody else.

She was terrified of her dad finding out (with good reason as he does fly off the handle without listening).

I told her we would make sure first, before taking it any further. I bought a home pregnancy kit, it was positive. I took her to the doctor, result was positive.

Its been a week since I've known and I've still not told DP. I don't know what to do, I'm torn between loyalty to him and my promise to her that I wouldn't tell anyone.

Obviously he has a right to know but I'm so scared and confused by it all. God knows how she must be feeling and god knows how he will react when he finds out I knew.

"if I was your dp I would feel cross that such an important thing happenig had been "kept" from me and be cross at you as well as sad at my dd for not telling"

how childish

If you're adult enough to be a parent, surely you're adult enough to recognise that not everything is about you?

Teenagers keep things from their parents all the time, it's part of growing up and learning to become an independent adult.

Putting the additional strain of how this is going to affect the adults in her life onto a pregnant 14 year old is really unfair IMO.

She will tell her Dad eventually, of course she will, and the OP can help her with that. But making this all about the rights and wrongs of when the parents found out and in what order seem to be to be completely missing that point that a very young teenager is going to have a baby.

"I hate to say this but the school will raise a child protection issue if her parents aren't already involved."

OMG that is evil!

How can that even be legal?

I'm sorry skidoodle, but if my 14 year old child was pregnant I would feel it was my right to know. She needs a lot of support and guidance to make some big decisions, that will affect her, her father & step mum, this is not just about her - she is not an independant adult. She is a child who had sex, this does not make her a grown up.

I also think (as I said before), the longer she keeps this from her father the worse she is making the situation for MunsterMonster & her Dad. In his postion I would be very happy/grateful that my daughter felt she could confide in her step mum like this, but hurt & angry that that my partner didn't tell me what was going on - this is his 14 year old child.

skidoodle - you can't have this both ways, on one hand you are saying she is an adult now she has had sex and on the other hand as she is only a child can't be expected to take into account how this will affect other people...

She is neither an adult, nor a child.

But she is a person, and as such her pregnancy is her business and nobody else has the right to know unless she tells them. Parents might want that right, but that doesn't mean they should have it.

I fail to see why respecting her privacy means it is reasonable to expect her to deal with the fall out of childish adult reactions to her news.

This girl has confided in an adult in a parental role. That is brilliant - she could have told no-one at all.

It's a hard one OP, & as much as here dad does & will need to know at some point DSD has confided in you, something that may have been very hard for her to do & it would be so sad if she lost her trust in you at such a difficult time in her life. She needs you right now, she needs to be able to come to you & so I don't think you should be the one to tell your DP.

She is a child. She may be pregnant but at 14, she is still a child.

I completely accept that her rights are paramount. But the OP in in a relationship with the child's father. And I would be furious with my partner if they knew my underage DD was pregnant for more than a week or so and withheld that information from me.

And if she decides to keep the baby (God forbid) it will affect the whole family, not just her

I became pregnant at 16, was obviously devastated and terrified about telling my dad, mum was with me when I found out.

My mum told him for me, I had gone to see my Bf and tell him. When I got home, he called me a silly girl and held me on his lap while I sobbed.

I think you should speak to Dsd and suggest you tell her dad for her, she may be surprised at his reaction.

I really feel for all of you, her especially.

My situation turned out ok, I had my baby, with lots of support from my parents and Bf's mum, we split when Ds was 2.
He is 17 next week and I don't regret a second.

I truly hope everything works out for the best.

I agree with everyone who has said you should encourage her to let you tell her Dad, so he has time to calm down before talking to her. OR if she prefers, tell him herself, but you could help by making sure he's in a good mood, relaxed, whatever.

He's going to find out at some point, after all... unless, I guess, she wants to have an abortion before he knows or without telling him? That'd be a hell of a secret for you and her to keep though.

Well I would be furious with any adult who betrayed my dd's confidence at such a sensitive time.

I'm surprised so many people think the important thing here is how the dad feels about it.

How can that be more important than how the 14 year old feels about it?

She obviously intends to tell him at some point, so why make the telling the issue rather than helping her come to terms with what's happened?

When she feels more at ease with her situation telling him will be the obvious next step.

of course she should tell her dad sooner than later and should be encouraged to do so.

this pregnancy and child will affect the whole family for many years i should imagine - as she will be living at home. no income except CB - someones obviously going to have to have a look at the economics of the situation.

Izzy what a lovely story, I hope that I can be as a good a parent to my DD's as yours were to you

Mrsjammi: well sometimes ( and not saying at al that this is the caase with the OP) when a 14-year-old girl turns up at school PG it's becaue her father has raped her and been abusing her for years. So that's why schools have, or are supposed to have, a child protection policy which doesn't automatically involve telling the parents - because not all parents are good people who will go oh dear, you're a bit young but never mind we will work through it as a family. Some parents will bully and coerce a pregnant teen into having an abortion, or throw her out of the house, or beat her up or indeed kill her for bringing 'shame' on them. NOT ALL PARENTS ARE NICE. It's to be hoped that in the OP's case she means that her DP will rant and rave a bit but then calm down and support his daughter, but it's not impossible that what she means is he will assault her for being a 'slut' and kick her out.

Explain to DSD that her dad will have to be told sooner or later (he'll notice anyway) and volunteer to tell him, with her permission. Try to get her to understand that telling is better than trying to hide it and being found out. Don't tell without her permission, though, but work on her to get this permission. Then take her dad out and far away from the house so you can tell him and keep him away from home until he has got over himself. Have a bite to eat first. Practice a script so you say exactly what you want to say. Include in the script responses to his shock, anger, any other emotion he may express. Emphasise to him that it's not really about him or his manhood, etc., but about his child and her scary ordeal.

skidoddle - is it really childish? would you feel upset and cross if your dc kept this from you? or would it be fine that they didn't feel they could come and seek your support and help?

It isn't about teenagers not telling parents adults to adults.

the teenager has put the op in a difficult position, I have always found that having things out in the open as soon as possible is better for everyone concerned and then the support is easier.

Two young lives 'ruined? She's having a baby, not starting a life sentence.

I really feel that people can become very hysterical about teenage pregnancy. Why does it have to be such a disaster? Many very young women make perfectly lovely parents.

And it sounds as if she has a good role model in you OP. I think you should respect her wishes as far as you are able.

Lets mother the young mothers, so they can feel confident in their own mothering.

i think its perfectly ok to mourn the potential of a 14 yr old

whilst not insinuating that they would be a bad parent

the two aren't necessarily linked.

i am sure as the mother of a teenager, i would be very upset at the experiences my daughter would have to forfeit. the life she will make for herself with a baby - no qualifications ( at say 14) life experience or MONEY.

no - these things are not qualifications to being a good parent, but they damn well help.

i was pregnant at 16, dh and i sacrificed our youth through naivity and love.

i wasn't a bad mum - not at all. but its not what one wants for their child.

again to reiterate, i think it is allowed to point out the negative conswquences of having a child aged 14 - without saying that person is a bad parent.

as a parent it is natural to want your child to have a better life than babies in teenage years. babies can wait - babies in 20;s , 30;s, 40;s

you get one youth where you do stupid things, make mistakes, take drugs, shag the wrong people, go to concerts, stay out until its daylight.

i certainly would be upset if my dd was changing nappies aged 16, i would be upset for her.

Fair enough Custy. I wasn't claiming it was an ideal situation, just that the stigma of teenage pregnancy is unhelpful and unjustified.

Education can be returned to, travel can be put on hold for a while. She will still be a relatively young woman when her child is ready to fly the nest. She will still have opportunities to experience all life has to offer.

Perhaps it's not what one would actively wish for their daughter, but like I said before, does it have to be such a disaster?

mrsjammi, I utterly agree

if my 14 yo dd got pregnant we would all be devastated, such a loss of hopes and dreams

however, having said all that, we would support her in whatever way forward she wanted to take

such a difficult situation, I pray to God we never have to face it

Well I really strongly disagree.

You can't write these young women off! That's it love, you're pregnant, life's over! You will never now know happiness or achieve anything of merit!

Of course I would agree it's not ideal. I have a three year old daughter who is the light of my life, and I would not wish such young motherhood on her.

However, if it happened, we would just deal with it. And the last thing I would want her to see was everybody wringing their hands and mourning the irretrievable loss of hopes and dreams.

It doesn't have to be like that. Life has just taken a different path that's all. Hopes and dreams can still be realised.

Op, I wish you much happiness with your beautiful grandchild.