Our first Relate appointment is tomorrow, I'm scared.

[Scorps]

DH & I are at 'shit or bust' point in our marriage. He came back to the family home on Friday night after 12 days away; He says he doesn't love me anymore. We want to go to counselling and try, because at least if we do split we can say we did everything possible. It has all stemmed from when i mc in Feb i think. I got pg v quickly after, but totally withdrew into myself. Another woman paid him attention and when i was 15 weeks pg he kissed her. Since then i have been terrified and not let him out of my sight, have withdrawn love from him and affection, etc. He would say he loved me and i wouldnt even say anything back.

He is behaving oddly now - saying he doesn't love me, then when i had a 'revelation' this morning saying to him that maybe because of my self worth i should just quit now, i have alot to offer a man etc, he gets upset. We have had sex this weekend too but I'm not allowing that anymore - he can't reach out to me on the sofa, but tries to have sex. I told him today no more of that and he agreed. He said he wants his affection to be true when he does it, and i think thats best too.

He is not nasty; I'm 38+3 weeks with dc4 and he is caring for me and the dc. I have enough money, etc. He is a fantastic father and really wants to go to Relate, but isnt commiting himself to saying he wants our marriage to work.

I'm scared about the appointment, what we will have to talk about, what he will say that will just hurt me more, Relate isn't superglue .

What will happen, any advice, nice things to say to me? Feel like im living life blindfolded. Please dont think he's nasty hes not, its been such a hard year, 2009 has.

I can't stop thinking about what a mess this is and all the childrens lives that are being affected right now.

I would have had Z as one of mine; we always talke about it, that it would be fine. We always expected this.

Dad wants to help Z you see - if they don't, no one will.

Worried about my children in this too.

In a weird way it's like karma isn't it. No single life now for him. But poor poor child I can't get my brain round it.

What a frigging mess. If k wasn't a liar cheater etc Z would have a family right now. Now we have my 4 with a broken home, and zs mum doesn't want him so now k is single dad. Go if you showed me this post 2 moths ago I would have died.

It feels all wrong, like we should all have been a family

he said to dad this morning that we always expected it. He's going to get a flat now, soon. Even hearing that reinforced he doesn't want me and it's all hit home again. I'm starting to worry about my future again

what a frigging mess.

Poor child indeed. What exactly does K expect your dad to do?? Fund them? I can understand your dad being willing to help, of course, it's not Z's fault that both his mom and dad are messed up individuals.

Re how this affects your future... Well, realistically, you would never have been able to rely on him anyway. Even if Z wasn't to live with him, he'd have gotten some other woman pregnant, so would have had to spend time and money there anyway.

I know he's said he'll be so devoted etc etc, but to be honest, I'd go on the basis of you being a single parent for now, and then perhaps in later years you with a new partner or husband - I don't think K could be relied on anyway.

And you know you'll be ok on your own - you're fine even now with a newborn, you've got your family and friends around as support. I mean, even now, whilst you've all stood together to make this work, K still comes running to your parents to sort out his mess. I think your life without him can only be easier anyway.

Karma indeed. Feel very sorry for Z - rejected by his mum and now has missed out on being part of a loving family (with your dc).
I do kind of wonder if this had happened when you were still together, whether he would have tried to leave Z with you.

Did your dad speak to K's ex or did K speak to her directly? I'm going out on a limb here but do you think K might be making it up to try and get a sympathy vote? It might just be another messing with your head tactic....from all the other stuff he has done I wouldn't put it past him.

If it is true then poor Z - just terrible.

No it's true. At least K is willing to do it. I don't know how logistics will work bit that's not my issue- dad will ensure my dc aren't forgotten.

Feels kind of karmic. But poor child

he will be having 5 dc all weekend every weekend. Must limit pulling ability somewhat, non???!

I worry about my future still, but a bit less. It's just a case of being ready, getting out there, meeting people. Feels very scary right now, especially as there is more potential to be hurt. Dating doesn't seem like fun at all. Plus issue of kids, and someone taking them on.

I just want a pain free future life, that's all. Fun, happy, love. To click.

God knows what his future will hold; not my problem. He will do it again.

Scorps Will you please forget the dating bit for now? That will come much later. You're overloading your head with stuff that in the scheme of things at the moment, really DOES NOT MATTER.

Your DC's are the most important thing at the moment, so please stop making things even harder for youself. Stop. Take deep breaths. Stop giving him headspace. xx

It's just a future worry not something for now but a future worry, because I don't know how it all works and also because my self esteem is so low I can't ever see a man liking me right now. I want to get ME back first, don't worry. Like I said before, family friends kids.

He is getting less of my headspace each day - he can do whatever he wants. He will be a FT Parent soon and that will give him a wake up call. I will het spare time in the summer when lacey is old enough to stay out andthen life will be more mine. I guess it will all slot in at some point.

Had cpn today, she says i have made alot of progress from last week, and to keep working through it. She says I've been so worn down over time, I need to top up my bank first, which is how I feel too.

Scorps I probably came over quite harsh in my post. I didn't mean to, I apologise.

I'm a 46 year old widow with a 12 yo DS and a 2 yo DD. I have no social life and probably won't until DD is older. What hope for me then?

Lots! My nan was widowed whilst pregnant with her third and she remarried.

it has popped in my brain that he left me... There doesn't seem a reason why exactly, other than he is possibly just one of those men that run when their work is done. I know he felt kept in a box, but that's because he cheated and is normal reaction of mine to that. It's not my fault; he would carry on hurting me surely. I already feel free of that weight, that worry. I think alot of the reason was my feelings lessened for him and he was just stronger than me to say enough iyswim. I must b better off without all that.

There you are then............your nan met a bloke when pg with her third. So you see, there are men out there who will take on a woman with kids

Scorps you've just shot the argument about you down in flames

You're right in your thinking about him, though.... You WILL get through this, you know you will.

I think I must be right about my thinkingnof him - cpn said he sounds like someone searching for something he will never find

sometimes I get really anxious about future prospects, but it'll all fall in won't it? When I go out and meet people. I want to grow old with someone proper.

ATM it feels like I'm just getting through the days but i guess that's babyhood for you! In a few months she can stay overnight with K and I'll Start a bit of a life then.

I'm going to go to my playgroup tomorrow for the first time in 8 weeks progress surely??!?

I really hope all thus progress I'm making isn't fake, that it won't crash down round my ears. I still haven't seen him or spoken to him - 3 weeks now. I don't even miss him. I miss the idea of someone being there.

I rembered today once on the home phone he had rung a dating line.

hi scorps been thinking about you and how you were doing. Trying to catch up on your thread but there's a lot.

You seem a lot more positive now and little Lacey is just gorgeous but you know that already.

One day at a time, one day at a time, get to the end of each day and the next one will seem easier.

I am so proud of you you are a testament to the strength of women everywhere.

Hi Scorps,
Have left a message for you on fb, it might be a bit garbled but the more we speak the better and clearer it will become. Ask whatever questions you want you will always get answer!
Lumps

Just catching up on this Steph.

"VS, remember T? I was right" Ugh. Sadly, I'm not surprised. I still think he's already got his sights set on someone now tbh. He is a serial adulterer and will always be so.

Just keep reading the text I sent you 50x last ngiht

xxx

How's it going today? Do you have sun? We have some here for the first time in ages (although am the other side of the country!)

Went to toddler group today saw some friends and got a new dress to wear on Saturday to make myself feel pretty.

He is seeing lacey today for first time in 3 weeks. Hope he realises how much work a nb is.

How long is he having Lacey for?

What's the new dress like? I'm on the wagon when it comes to shopping at the moment so living vicariously through others' purchases

He came half an hour early and I was here alone. I put him in millies room with lacey. But I saw him and spoke to him briefly and it feels fine. I definitely don't feel anything about him like I did last time I saw him 3 weeks ago. He has lost alot of weight and has black circles round his eyes. He saw lacey for ten mins and then took ds2 and dd1 out. I wonder what he felt seeing lacey.

Lacey took ebm bottle with no problems yay!

Oh and now his fb status is -

oh fuck off u total twat. (obv it prob isn't about anything to with me/us but still lol)

my dress is blush colour, ruched and you can see my arse it's short. Deep v front and back. Wearing with suede black over the knee boots and tights. It was a bit £ but I will wear lots I should think over time.

I sang along to MTV today.

I hope to bloody god that this progress isn't fake.

Just got the message from fb but it's messing around alot today. Like the sound of the dress and I like the sound of the progress, don't worry about whether it's fake or not, it's progress and you are on an up at the moment, enjoy it!

Feeling good today

Yay! Have wondered how you are!

Are you going out more (as much as a newborn would allow!) now?

Good news!

Dress sounds fab - I love all these nude colours for spring but I am pasty and can't wear them!