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Relationships

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Original poster

falling in love with a man who leaves his kids??

57 replies

SueFley · 12/12/2009 11:27

was thinking about htis in teh car. How do you reconcile the man you love to someone who would do this - because let's face it contact just aint the same.
Presuming infidelity all on the side of the man.

OP posts:

SolidGoldpiginablanket · 12/12/2009 11:31

It would depend on all the circumstances surrounding the end of the relationship with the DC's other parent. WHile using another person as your route out of a bad relationship isn't the nicest thing to do, it's not the worst thing to do, either. ANd being a cheated-on partner doesn;t automatically make you a saint: some people whose partners cheat deserve it. Ultimately, when parents' couple-relationship ends, someone has to move out, and it's often better, or seen as better, if the DC stay with their mum and the dad moves elsewhere.

biglips · 12/12/2009 11:31

there is no way i would get involved with a man that would leave his kids for me....i would sooo guilty and i would have to be a cold hearted bitch to be with him.

biglips · 12/12/2009 11:34

BUT its all depends on his relationship with the mother as if its dead their relationship then its not fair for him to stay but if he had cheated on her to be with me then i wouldnt get involved or finished the relationship with him if i find out that hes still with the mother of his children.

Original poster

SueFley · 12/12/2009 11:34

Its tricky isnt it. I know splits are very rarely all one sided.

OP posts:

agingoth · 12/12/2009 11:37

I have been in this position i.e. the guy was 'separating' (supposedly....) and said his marriage was over. I assumed that that meant arrangements for care of the kids were going to be made regardless of me. I was very, very uncomfortable with it but I thought if it was happening anyway it was his business to sort out and mine to support him.

As it turned out he returned to his family which I think was the right decision for him, I could not have been with him knowing he was missing his dcs and they him if he could face going back.

serenity · 12/12/2009 11:43

My Dad (abusive twunt) got remarried to a woman with children (younger than us). She didn't seem concerned that he had a family that refused to have anything to do with him, so god knows what he said to her to explain it (particularly as she was living in a DV refuge when they met!)

We have limited contact with him now (not my choice, I'm polite because it keeps everyone else happy) and that's one of the main barriers I have with her tbh. If he's made himself out to be the victim, who knows what she secretly thinks of us, and if not I just can't understand why she would get involved.

2kidzandi · 12/12/2009 11:48

I would wonder if he has enough integrity to stay with me and our potential future children when things got rough. But then I don't view a man who abandons his children, and doesn't step up and take responsibility as a man, no matter how much he looks and speaks like one. I would struggle to respect him.

I also wouldn't respect a man who feels the need to cheat in order to 'get out' of a bad marriage especially when they have kids in that marriage. It's a sign of weakness and a definate sign of selfishness, and lack of ability to take and manage the responsibility of a husband and father. So I'm supposed to believe that you left your own children and wife, and jeopardized all that, but you wouldn't do the same to me? I don't think so.

Bonsoir · 12/12/2009 11:50

Well, my DP "left his kids" stricto senso in that his sons still live in the home that he used to share with his exW. Except that, over the year, the boys spend more time with DP that they do with their mother and the time they spend with us is much higher parental input time (all homework, educational stuff, life strategising, healthcare etc happens chez nous^). And DP is quite clear that he is a better parent for having separated from a very ineffectual parenting partner who hindered him in implementing the kind of upbringing he wanted to give his children!

Original poster

SueFley · 12/12/2009 11:50

but he was living with them when you met?

OP posts:

Bonsoir · 12/12/2009 11:53

No, five minutes away. We still do live five minutes away (different apartment though) which is absolutely key, IMO, in having a "good divorce" from a children's perspective.

Original poster

SueFley · 12/12/2009 11:55

I think the moeny seems to be the tricky bit in most divorces however god the initial intentions are

OP posts:

Bonsoir · 12/12/2009 11:56

What's with the 1970s French food theme nicknames?

Bonsoir · 12/12/2009 11:57

I agree.

Fortunately both DP and his exW have jobs that pay twice as much as they did when they separated. It obviously does them good to live apart!

SausageRocket · 12/12/2009 12:13

same as bonsoir (never thought I'd say that!).

I had nothing to do with the end of the marriage though, I came along 2yrs post split.

Oh, and the money thing. DH is earning about 4x more but she is still a bone idle work avoiding whatnot .

SausageRocket · 12/12/2009 12:15

Oh and before I get the SAHM basher label, I'm not bashing SAHM's in general. Just this one. She is a lazy moo.

mrsjammi · 12/12/2009 12:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

SueFley · 12/12/2009 12:36

i dont htink i coudl take on someone elses kids tbh - spec if they had half ot eh Ex in their genetic make up

OP posts:

mrsboogiefairylights · 12/12/2009 12:45

I know someone who's fiance "left" his kids to be with her.

However, the exwife had tricked him into marrying her when she was carrying another man's baby, which he forgave and treated the child as his own, then she carried on the affair with the OM (who had refused to marry her) throughout the marriage, getting pregnant to OM again and terminating that pregnancy and had a number of other flings. He stayed, I think, because he didn't want to leave his kids but the marriage was beyond repair and he finally decided he deserved a bit of happiness when he met my friend. He had only ever been a meal ticket as far as his ex was concerned.

you can't really blame him for leaving.

sparkybint · 12/12/2009 12:45

Depends on what you mean by "leave the kids". My DP left his wife but he and his ex have shared custody of their DD as he wants to remain a big part of her life. A man who leaves his family and makes no effort to see the children is another thing altogether and I probably wouldn't get into a relationship with someone who placed such a low priority on his kids - it would imply he's totally selfish.

Agree with what Bonsoir posted.

2kidzandi · 12/12/2009 12:45

I understand what you're saying mrsjammi. I get your point about 'mile in your shoes' completely, I myself as a single parent, am often judged by those clueless to my situation etc. Still, as a product myself of a very bitter parental divorce which involved another woman, I question the logic of someone choosing to have an affair to bring about the end of a relationship. Choosing to be deceitful etc. If they're staying in a bad marriage because of loyalty, kids etc hat's still a valid choice. Painful but valid. If it's so bad, then it is equally a valid choice to tell the other person that you can no longer tolerate a,b,c and walk. But the moment you start needing someone else to 'get you out' of it - I don't know. I just don't believe in infidelity.

But I'm sorry if anyone feels I'm judging them. Not meaning to. Just have this boundary in my mind, and if it's any consolation, i apply it to myself. From the moment I know a man is married I mentally resolve not to go there. I respect other peoples marriages and even if they're dreadful I really don't believe that a third party has the right to get between it.

SausageRocket · 12/12/2009 12:50

DH is the same, he has said that if I'd have been the one with the kids and the ex he wouldn't have gone the distance (!), he just wouldn't have got involved in the first place. A bit rich considering he was expecting to find a partner who was prepared to take him, his mad ex and their (admittedly fab) 6 & 8yr olds. Lucky I'm not as shallow as him then, eh ?! LOL.

I took them on. The boys are 16 and 18 now, it hasn't been a bed of roses but I don't regret the last 10 years. I wouldn't change them. It helps that the boys made it easy for me, they were very accepting and welcoming pretty much from the get-go (unfortunately their mother has not been quite so contented but that's a whole other thread that will never get written).

Weirdly, it also helped that DH was always very much a father first. Even though I was young and had no children of my own I still appreciated his devotionto his kids and would have not have respected him anywhere near as much had he been a McDad who grudgingly saw his kids for a couple of hours on saturday afternoon once a month.

SausageRocket · 12/12/2009 12:51

sorry my post was in response to Sue saying she couldn't/wouldn't do it. It took me so long to type it that people posted between us

hatesponge · 12/12/2009 13:06

I agree with sparky - anyone who walks out on their children literally without a backward glance would make me run a mile.

I have been involved with someone who was (and still is) unhappily married. Ultimately, he decided his own unhappiness was the price to pay for being with his DC & to avoid an acrimonious split/custody battle (which would definitely have ensued as his wife is a divorce lawyer)

Whilst my view is that life's too short to be unhappy, and that we were happy together, and would have continued to be, would I have wanted him to leave his children (& have little or no contact) to be with me - definitely not.

agingoth · 12/12/2009 13:08

ditto for me hatesponge, though it was incredibly painful for everyone I think in the end it was the right thing to do.

I think I would only get involved with someone with kids again if a. he had already completely and properly left his wife (of course! I was an idiot to believe the last guy when he said the marriage was 'over') b. he was at least trying his best to keep regular contact with them.

MeringueUtan · 12/12/2009 14:11

but i dont think many men do walk out without a backward look - even if they see their kids 2 weekends a month - is that enough?

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