falling in love with a man who leaves his kids??

[SueFley]

was thinking about htis in teh car. How do you reconcile the man you love to someone who would do this - because let's face it contact just aint the same.
Presuming infidelity all on the side of the man.

I definitely disagree with 'staying together for the children'. And I can't imagine many of you would expect the woman to leave. So the man has to.

The thought of becoming a step mother would really put me off a man.

I just think its an incredibly hard role with little thanks. I say this as a step child.

I am full of admiration for those who are step parents - they don't get enough recognition.

My Mom and Dad divorced, both as much to blame. He left the marital home so my brother and I could stay there with my Mom.
It really does depend on the circumstances.

I don't think I could love a man who didn't want anything to do with his DC. I know of a man who left his (heavily pregnant) wife for a young work colleague, who had a little boy. He is now saying that the baby (his son) is nothing to him because the bitter (understandably so!) ex-wife has made life very difficult for him since he left her. He lives with new woman and her son and says that is his family unit now.
Nice.
Oh, and this just supported my idea that he was a total dickhead of the highest order.

Traceybath- I was a stepchild too and had the most horrific stepmother imaginable. She was truly the pits. My father is/was a violent alcoholic and so she used to take her frustrations out on me. I was 6, she was 42. He dragged her up the stairs by her hair, so the next day she pinned me against the wall by the throat (my feet were off the floor). She taught me how not to do it. Harsh lesson, but lesson learned. I think I am a good step-parent. I am not perfect (who is?) but I love them and I have done my very best for them over the years. I don't think anyone (biological parent or step-parent) could ask for much more.

My parents divorced when I was 4 and my father walked away and had little/no contact with me since then.

He did re-marry and have more children. Afraid a man who had nothing to do with existing children would not be at all attractive to me.

However if he was still involved with them thats different. Although as I previously posted would find it hard to be a step mother myself.

I have had no contact with either my father or my stepmother (she is not fit for the title really) since I was around 11 years old and I moved to live with my mother.

Just to play Devil's Advocate with you Lizzy:

If a relationship is over and the woman is pregnant when is the right time for them to split up?

Does a genetic contribution without any contact mean you are truly connected to a person?

If the mother really never wants to see the father again, and the child has never met his father, isn't it better (or the 'least worst' option) for him to respect that, at least until the child is old enough to have his/her own thoughts on the matter?

(not saying I actually believe all this you understand)

Agree with 2kidz first post entirely.

H has just left me with 2 dc's under 5. I can't think how the OW, who's supposed to be a devoted mother to her own dc, can fail to notice that while he's been spending time with her, his own dc's have been neglected by him. How can she see him as a good person to build a life with?

I would need to be fully comfortable with the background if I now meet a man who's left his dc's. Not saying it's always wrong, just that I'd need to be happy that there was no alternative.

Trills, hmm, I don't know.
I know in this instance:
He was having an affair with young colleague and left his fairly new wife whilst she was pregnant for a glamorous younger model (who he now lives with, along with her young son).
The only reason that he doesn't want to see his baby son is because his hurt and angry (now ex) wife hasn't made his divorce easy for him. She has made it hard for him financially but she has wanted him to see their child, his son.

In this case, the man has just decided that his life will be easier if he has nothing to do with his son. How this little boy will feel when he grows up knowing that his Dad chose that and also chose to bring up another little boy, I don't know.

He chose to end the marriage, fair enough. But he did also choose to marry and conceive a baby with his wife prior to that. She can't just change her mind about being a Mother (well, she could, I know, in theory).

Obviously you know in the case, and the individual circumstances vary, but I think it's possible (in another instance) for it to not be the most terrible thing in the world.

Trills, yes if it was a more mutual decision, I could see that. The Father has never been involved in the baby's life, if the marriage was over in any case......and if the Mother was happy to raise the child totally alone.
When it's more the case of one party just not wanting the hassle and punishing the other party, not so much.

SueFley - "i dont htink i coudl take on someone elses kids tbh"

That's a crucial admission that you needed to post with the rest of the opinion stated in the OP, if I am to be blunt.

If you cannot take on someone else's children you are somewhat forcing him to leave his kids. If you are willing to share in the upbringing of his children, you don't force him to leave his kids.

Good stepmothers make for good divorces for the children, IMO .

It depends on the circumstances.

What would happen if a bloke was in a marriage to someone a bit odd, and he did all the stay-at-home stuff, childcare etc etc while she earned the money?

I suppose he might be granted greater residency than their mother. Which seems odd to me, because something in me has always believed that a mother's bond is stronger...have known a lot of fathers quite willing and able to walk away from their children, but very few mothers who could contemplate it.

fwiw yes I could happily take on someone else's children if I felt a connection with them. If I didn't, I couldn't...not in a fair kind of way, at least.

but any bloke who would be unfaithful, certainly over a prolonged period of time, to a wife with whom he had kids, would lose all my respect. That's the critical thing for me I think. You can't love and be with someone you don't respect.

(can I clarify that unfaithfulness on either side was not what split up DH's first marriage. DH was 100% faithful and as far as we know, she was 100% faithful to him)

oh sorry anna! i am not having an affair!!!
this is not me planning to run orf {grin]

did I give that impression?, No i was just thinking

Gosh just read that pile of rambling back to myself. Sorry, I didn't mean she was odd because she went to work etc etc. Just odd in a general sense, as in slightly mad. That being the reason he would want to leave iyswim.

Well I think it's rubbish. People probably blank that part when they do it, or make excuses for it. "Oh the children are happier now that I'm happier and more patient as a result" etc etc. Yeah yeah. You wanted to leave her so you left your children as well because your new girlfriend meant more than them.

I think that in one part but also know of the damage caused by wanting to stay tog " for kids"

the problem is that people RARELY leave without anyone else being involved - if they did that woudl be a good hting imo

If the marriage has ended because of the h's infidelity then I do imagine that it would be very hard to find that man properly lovable. Not just sexually attractive. But attractive as an honest and decent human being. We don't all fall for bad boys, thank God.

Disclaimer: am fully aware that marriages fail for many other reasons.

A lot of men abandon their children and then churn out the 'she makes it so difficult for me to have a relationship with them' story. 9 times out of 10 that's what it is. A lame attempt to excuse the fact that they cannot be asked to make the effort. My father is one of those, though I love him to bits.

The truth is, that often they have left behind a trail of hurt feelings, and going round to their (often justifiably) emotionally hurt ex/hurt children looking her/them in the eyes, getting past her anger in order to speak to little johnny and sarah requires too much. They are not up to it. It's too much agro. Especially when someone new has taken their place, then they feel guilty too. If the woman doesn't bend over backwards they don't put in the effort.

One man i know bleated on about depressed he felt about not having spoken or seen his kids for 2 years.

Asked: do you have number?

Yes but I have to speak to her first so too hard

Can you visit?

Yes but mother doesn't allow me in the house.

Whats wrong with going there, standing at the door?

mum might cause problems.

O.K. so don't they walk home from school on their own (teens) can't you meet them outside the school one day? they might be rude but at least they will know you're there?

No, they might not want to speak to me.

O.K., so how about sending a letter every month?

Hadn't thought of that

Don't they have their own phones?

Called them twice phone was off.

This is the general sort of inane response I have had from my own father and other men who insist that they don't see their kids because it's all down to their deranged ex wife.