falling in love with a man who leaves his kids??

[SueFley]

was thinking about htis in teh car. How do you reconcile the man you love to someone who would do this - because let's face it contact just aint the same.
Presuming infidelity all on the side of the man.

Interesting thread. My ex is marrying a woman with 3 kids having left us for an affair wiht someone else and then moved 2 hours away from the kids to move in with new woman. apparently this is 'best for everyone' He sees our kids one night a fortnight and comes up occasionally to take them out for tea after school. I just cant get my heaad around how easily he moved away from his kids after making such a big deal about wanting to be nearby after we split. He never comes to support them at school stuff or turns up at parents evenings even though i e mail him calender invites months in advance. I feel for my kids, they have never commented but I'm sure they notice

When I met my H he was married with 2 DC but just about to separate (not due to infidelity on his part) and he left the marital home to move in with me. His children stayed with us 2 nights a week plus holidays until they were in their late teens. We now have 1 DC of our own but sadly are in the process of separating ourselves.

I am currently seeing someone else who is also married with DC, this time obviously the infidelity is his.

Having become a step-mother at a young age I am very wary of stepping into that role again and am more inclined at this stage to encourage him to stay together with his W (who does know about our relationship but doesn;t know me) for the immediate future. I don;t want to be the reason that he leaves, if he chooses to, and becoming a step-parent and stepping into someone elses' shoes is an incredibly difficult role to take on, and certainly needs a lot more consideration than I gave it first time round

Just because the relationship breaks down with your partner doesn't mean you stop being a parent in any capacity and the couple need to decide the best way of maintaining that parenting role.

In some cases I think this might mean staying living in the marital home, even if only for a finite period. In most cases at some stage obviously one parent has got to move out, so that both can move on.

As for falling in love, well, I did love someone who had children already, and now I have strong feelings for someone else who has too, and I think the infidelity bit is irrelevant in respect of the children, really, if it happens at the point where the original relationship has broken down to the extent of being on the point of separation.

CommeMoi, I respect your honesty and am genuinely trying not to be judgey but really curious as to how you end up in these situations. Do you not consider anyone off limits and if their relationship is in trouble does it make them fair game? Is this actually how most people work and I'm a bit naive? Just wondering!

Imo it makes the situation so much more complicated and painful for everyone concerned (dc's included) if there is someone else involved at the point of separation, whether there were other issues and reasons for the relationship breakdown or not. It inevitably creates so much hurt and bitterness for the husband/wife that some of this is bound to transfer to the dc's and this can't possibly be in anyone's best interests.

I think that sometimes people have a mental set up that enables them to go for (or indeed makes it more likely) someone already attached.

In my case, I suspect I was both naive and rather damaged - naive in that I thought the man really loved me and would do anything to be with me - as I would have for him - and that was obviously crap.

and damaged in the sense that I resented my own mother, as she resented me for having a good relationship with my own father. From very early on I was taught by her behaviour and moods that if I 'took' my father's attention in any way, she would be angry and jealous. I felt I was being denied a relationship with him. And in hindsight it was incredibly easy to transpose this dynamic into the affair situation...I took no responsibility, I used the scenario to be angry with him for not choosing me over her, yet secretly clinging to the belief that he would, one day...thus the four year affair...I could never let that go. Not that he would have done either - it was often he who would chase me up after weeks apart. But I digress.
I justified my behaviour subconsciously by thinking of her as my mother - stopping me from having him, I suppose - though consciously I never blamed her at all, and rationally know it had nothing to do with her. It just made it easier not to care about her feelings.

Needless to say this was very, very wrong and I am living with the awful guilt on a daily basis, not that it's as bad as having your family break up or losing your dad to some arrogant bird with parental issues.

just some perspective I suppose if anyone finds it helpful.

My step mum made sure that my dad put her before any of his children and sought to make us feel as unwelcome as possible. She didn't want the inconvenience of his children. She just wanted him. She's got him now and we barely see him.

I can;t believe he would let this happen especially as we all tried to befriend his new wife repeatedly.

I wouldn't be with a man who cheated, no excuses, no reason is good enough for me to be able to ever trust him.

Nor would I want anything to do with a man who wasn't doing everything possible to be involved with his kids, both emotionally and financially.

However a divorced dad who is involved (or at the very least trying to be) with his kids would be OK.