MONEY AND COMMUNICATION IN COUPLE

[maeggee]

HI There
I just join and thought it would be a good idea to share my worries and suicidal thoughts with some of you who might have had similar issues ;I am thinking of divorce with 2 girls just because I have been for the last 10 years just a doormat for my husband even though he claims he loves me , he drives a very expensive car , I have to do school runs on the bus , am not working at the moment but he expects me to pay the bills feed him and the girls like I used to do when there are problems he does not want to be confrontational and avoid coming to bed until midnight he htinks time solves problems and dont care what I think if he wants something he goes and get it his money is so tight that on the 2nd of the month I cannot even ask him to buy a bulb he got no ,money left I have to feed us all month without a penny from him I have been wanting to go back to uni he makes me beleive that my 2 degrees are too old to use

I'm bumping this for you - worried about your suicidal thoughts- you do sound lonely - I hope there is someone with good advice who will post soon.

leave him he's obviously a twat.

if ou have suicidal thoughts please ring samaritans http://www.samaritans.org here

here

custardo is right the samaritans are an excellent source of telephone help - they let you talk - you offload.

You should make an appointment with your gp re depression - they can make a referral if necessary.

Is part of the situation about your lack of work - it sounds like you may want t obe working? Are you looking for work? I'm sure that two degrees are not useless. You are not useless.

What would make you happy?

I talk to my gp but all he gave me was antidepressant that made me go loopy while I have a 3 year old to look after I DO NOT NEED TO BE HOOKED UP ON PILLS, I know that I need help with him to be able to recognise what is wrong and communicate effectively,I realised as well that if I KILL myself nobody would look after my girls better than I am doing ;Even though my story was that my mum and dad did not want me my auntie raised me and I was blessed , am still blessed,she and her kids are everything I have;So I need to be there for my girls no matter what; I do not know what happened to me I used to be such resourcefull ,outgoing and bright gal,

I am glad that giveitago is asking me what makes makes me happy , it has been such a long time noone has asked me this very question it is making me weep , give me a second to get myself toguether

I think that many women give themselves so much to others that they lose themselves. If someone were to ask me what I want I don't think I could be specific and it would be something along the lines of peace and being in control as far as possible of my time.

What about you - are there things that you can do improve your life within current contraints? Is your aunt around to talk to?

I would be happy if he could understand that keeping his account and the two houses under his sole name make me feel like a maid in the house , I would be happy if I did not depend so much on him , I would be happy if I could drive with my two girls to the swimming pool on saturday and go to pizza hut , I would be happy if he could come back to me before he sleeps and say" honey let us talk about what you said had upset you all day:TO START WITH
AM ASKING TOO MUCH?

YOU are so right I beleive I lost myself in this marriage , my aunt and his kids are still around they love him so much all they are telling me is to calm down and find the right time to talk to him , when is the right time?

I wanted to go back to uni for a postgrad but how to deal with all these financial ties? I started 3 years ago he refused to remortgage the house because of all the money prob and I had to go back to work when I work 900 pounds of my salary goes towards childcare and the rest bills food ;what do I work for then?

Aah, just met you on the thread about the dh who left the iron on and thought you sounded awfully angry about your own dh.

I'll tell you what I'd be doing in your shoes and that's getting some legal advice about your financial situ.

Have only skimmed the thread but if there's plenty of money around you'll end up getting your fair share, irrespective of whose names the assets are in.

Go to www.resolution.org.uk to find a local family solicitor. Ask if they'll give you a free half hour interview.

You will probably be entitiled to public funding if there's nothing in your name.

Go to the legal services commission website, then eligibility calculator. It only takes a few minutes and will tell you whether you qualify.

Thanks mumblechum but I tried that he says he has no problem putting my name on the assets but it costs money so I HAVE TO COME UP WITH IT.The lawyer told me it does not matter as we are legally married and it is just an administrative issue , I insist on the principle , I cant get any public funding after checking his earnings he earns too much ;can you beleive that? I am not angry I am frustrated to the core of my soul

Advice is good even if you don't act on it (I once sought legal advice and althouh I didn't act it made me feel more secure).

If you want to leave, you should first get advice it may not mean that you can start your postgrad - but it could mean that you don't feel like a skivvy and not appreciated.

It sounds like you need some headspace to see what you've achieved (and I'm sure it's lots), where you are now and where you'd like to be. How you feel about your dh, how your kids are doing and your wishes for them.

How does your dh respond if you just turn off telly and start talking.

btw - do you drive but he won't let you use the car? if you drive can you argue the toss and insist you are insured on it. If you don't drive then perhaps you need to plan this for next year?

switch of the tv and talk? manchester united needs his audience everyday, dont I dare rob them off

his car needs to be driven such and such way he has bullied me so badly once I left him to drive home and walk the 5 miles home and swore I will ,never be caught in it if I can help it

Maeggee, that's very likely the root of your suicidal feelings - feeling trapped, desperate to do something but not knowing what. Your anger and frustration have nowhere to turn but inwards. But you are right that you are your girls' best carer, and you are also right that you have more intelligence and strength than your H will let you believe. Once you see the way clear you can put all that energy into driving your life forward to where it should be.

I second Mumblechum's recommendation of getting a free consultation with a solicitor to find out what your rights would be if you were to divorce. Strangely, you could well be better off financially. You're unlikely to be that much worse off, at least. (As you have already heard, it doesn't matter whose name is on the assets, you have a right to half their value. I do realise that isn't why you want your name on them. It gives him control over everything instead of it being a partnership.) Mind you, at this point I'm not saying you need to divorce him, I'm saying you need to research into it. Who knows, when he sees what he stands to lose H might suddenly start listening to reason...

Hmph, if your aunt and cousins love him so much maybe one of them could marry him, eh?

I do know that I want the best for my kids I do know its not my love for him that is failing me it is my ability to swallow much more than I have,you know when you explain what pains you to the closest person you have and he is reminding you that he gets hurt sometimes too and you should stop focusing on you and learn to respect him and treat him like a man n that is what I get

NO MAEGGEE when you do the eligibility calculator it's just on your circs, not your dh's. I'm talking divorce proceedings here, obviously, in which case he's the opposition so his income etc doesn't come into it.

annie am gotta get my guns as you said he needs to see what he is gonna lose once I show him,my family love him for what they see but I talk to my sister and she has seen him in action she knows the deal at least , for him to get the houses on his name I was lying in hospital for 9months ill with a baby and the second he was working elsewhere when I stayed back to look after the kids and work but beleive me ,I used to work nights and spend the day looking after my daughter for us to put the money towards the house that put us on the ladder ,and it was not easy

This sounds so like my situation (from leaving me to pay for everything for the children while he spent a fortune on himself, to the non-confrontation and coming-to-bed-late, despite protestations that he loved me) that all I can say is go and see a solicitor, at least to set your mind at rest as to what the outcome of a possible divorce would be.

I kept thinking that things would come good again, when he sorted out whatever problem he was having (turned out he was having several affairs). But in actual fact what he was doing was rather than taking the initiative and leaving, he was biding his time until I couldn't stand the atmosphere any more and kicked him out.

I stayed in my marriage for too long and in the process my ex drove me to suicidal thoughts, too. I ended up in counselling, and have blubbed on the phone to the samaritans more times than I can recall.

In staying too long, I allowed my self-esteem to be eroded to such an extent that I am still having problems more than 3 years on from the divorce, despite being with a wonderful new partner.

It's so hard being where you are. I kept thinking "I can do this, I can stand it for one more day" until eventually something inside me snapped. I recall conversations with a divorced friend in the run-up to my decision, during the time when I knew I was desperately unhappy, and had already been to see a solicitor, but still wasn't sure if I was ready to chuck in the towel yet and she just said "then no, you're not ready. You'll know when you are." And she was so right.

I wish you well with whatever you choose.

Clarajp how did you manage with the kids ?

I was lucky in that I did work (girls are of school age) but my ex earned about three times the amount I did. He paid the mortgage, I paid for everything else. I ended up in debt because he kept me short. He regarded any money left in his account after paying the mortgage as his money to do what he liked with, and it was my fault if I couldn't budget for everything else on my small salary.

It seems to be fear of financial hardship if you divorce that keeps you where you are, which is why so many of us have suggested you see a solicitor to find out exactly where you stand. Yes, it sucks being poor, but being poor hurts a helluva lot less than being downtrodden by someone who is supposed to love you. He sounds like he's doing exactly what my ex did, which was to squash me so small that I couldn't bounce back (belittling your qualifications etc.) I'm recovering, slowly, but it's not easy. Even now, my ex is the devil on my shoulder: "Listen to yourself, nobody wants to hear what you've got to say" (sorry, nearly in tears here). I find it incredibly difficult to make friends now, because I imagine new people won't want to know me.

Eating beans on toast and not putting the heating on was the easy bit...

Hi ClaraJo I am so bitter that you have to resolve to not having friends , those I had kept on telling me that it was my fault I spoilt him like a child and now I want him to change , but are we not supposed to support each other for better or worse , when I was working I found it normal to do the shopping ,clothes , bills without asking him a penny but I do realise now he had so much cash available he started doing whatever he wanted with the money instead of thinking ways to please me or even ask me what Iwanted in life , Ijust kept on going even paying myself for private school and childcare for the 2 ,so when I stop working and was in bed with back pain he said to me that I made the decision to send my children to private school so he applaudes the idea as I myself was in private school but it is still my responsibility , he went on and bought himself a car that costs him 500 pounds a month, I still have to get the bus to do my thing , can you beleive that?

I DO THINK THAT WE NEED FRIENDS CLARAJO but I do not want those friends who put down further I need to go forward find solutions that is why I though I will find people in this talk panel who have been in my shoes , other people experiences always teach you to know better , the only friend that I have left has just done what you did , she own her house but he did not want to spend a penny on salt , she asked him to leave , she does not want to tell me the same but just to ignore him and see how he would react , but he does not react to the silence treatment he finds his peace in it he is not confrontational so as long as you do not talk to him and he has got his food and clothes clean he is happy . I was asking him last month when was the last time he went to a shop and bought shaving cream or razor or underwear or a shirt or shoes or socks for himself and he said in the year 2000.

Clarajo tells it how it is. If you are entitled to any help you will probably be poor at least for a while but if it gives you peace in your life and control over your destiny then that's preferable to being eaten up with bitterness while you go on with the same old.

I have tosay that I am in your situation but differences are that we are having relationship problems that we cannot forward and I generally do not shop routinely for my husband.

I remember when I was a teenager I felt very sorry for my unlce's wife - she was so downtrodden and he's very hot headed and in many ways just barking - she's far more educated and she explained that she was in love and started to do everything but as time went on she found herself down a path that she couldnb't get off.

I also remember now thinking I'd never see myself in that situation - and now just look at me! Aagh.

I think that my husband has a sense of entitlement that is way over the top and that includes how he treats me, how he prioritises pretty much everyone else over me and ds, his views, his entitlement not to use and ashtray and instead drop ash on floor for me to sweep up - I think he likes to see me stooped etc. I don't like it - my sense of entitlement has been driven down to zero.

But only I can do something about it - I'm hanging on for ds to start school and I'll take a job, any job just to get my own money- I feel empowered having my own money and that will give me confidence to tell him to do one if necessary - at the moment I'm kind of scared of my future but I won't be for long.

Bitterness isn't good - it makes you ill and you don't need that on top of everything else.

I wish you both the very best - and maeggee right now you need to stop doing things for him - if he doesn't like confrontation he won't say anything anyhow. YOu need to free up some time for you right now.