Help me understand WHY DH won't let things go

[QueenOfHearts22]

Every time DH and I have an argument (yesterday for e.g.) he will bear a grudge for days on end. This involves ignoring me, flouncing around like a 2 year old and generally sulking. If I push him to talk about it he will get even worse. Sometimes the smallest argument will cause him to say he's leaving, which of he isn't, but it hurts me that it is so easy for him to say that.

Is the majority of men like this, or is it just mine? I'm happy to move on after a row, discuss it calmly and then make up, but he isn't built that way.

I'm so sick of this going on for days and days. Usually after a while I can't even remember what we were fighting about!!

I have tried giving him the cold shoulder but I can't keep it up. I have tried being nice and making the effort to sort it out, but I feel this makes me seem like a pushover.

Yesterday he was absolutely in the wrong, yet in his mind he is perfectly justified in not speaking to me. It drives me nuts!

Help me understand this please...or just give me advice...I don't like to talk to RL folks about things like this as I live in a gossip mill and next thing you know everyone would think we're getting a divorce!

What are you arguing about? How important is it? Please give an example.

Oh, he sounds like an arse anyway, but do tell.

Ah yes sorry forgot to mention. It's just normal bickering, about silly things. Such as yesterday it was because he was off work but didn't wash the dishes - sounds so ridiculous! This is what I mean, it is only something small which I myself would just not linger on, but he will dwell on it and sulk for ages.

I'm just sick of living with a sulky person. It's depressing. Normally we're very happy!

On the rare occassions I have a well justified sulk DW normally says something like 'Oh I can't stand sulky men and it is very unattractive and unsexy' in a very pointed fashion. That soon snaps me out of it.

I normally can't stand dragging an arguement on for hours myself though and absolutely will not allow us to go to bed on an arguement. I insist on staying up until it is talked trough and sorted out. Allowing it to carry over until the next day is always very bad. We hardly argue though.

Maybe both of you can agree a rule bedtime is a deadline that arguements have to be sorted out by.

Wow ABetaDad I wish! We have discussed this issue after the fact, and usually agree on some form of 'plan' of how to deal with it, but that always goes out the window.

Now he just won't speak to me, which I find rude, childish, hurtful and unnessecary. Inevitably it will go on until tomorrow at least, which annoys me so much. I know I'm going to get home from work to a tense atmosphere, which really upsets me.

I just don't understand why I am always to blame. I am responsible for 'organisation' in our lives which is incredibly tiring. Anything which needs to be arranged, even for him, I take care of. I never get any thanks, and when I mention that I am told I'm being overdramatic.

I know I sound awful and a total moaner, and usually we are happy and content, but I find myself letting him get away with things (nasty comments e.t.c.) just because I don't want to be living in that tense situation for days afterwards.

What should I do? Ignore him? I know I should try and discuss it, but trust me when I say that if I try and do that now all I will get will be a 'f off'.

Nope, you need to ignore him entirely and get on with your day.

I am a bit of a sulker - in truth its not sulkiness so much for me as it takes me a long time for my feelings to go down when I've been annoyed. Even though I've entirely forgiven the argument I like to be left alone to lick my wounds. It definitely looks like sulking to the other party though.

Just ignore, don't tackle and wait.

One other thing - I too always used to feel we were 'over' during an argument, threaten to leave etc - I grew up in a very volatile house. It took years of therapy for me to be able to talk myself down in my head and tell myself to go to bed and the emotion would be gone in the morning.

At the time it genuinely feels that it is all over - at least it did to me.

Thanks LaurieFairy, good to get another perspective.

Well I SMSd him and as predicted got a 'f off' although a bit more wordy. Just drives me mad that everything has to be such a DRAMA if that makes sense. Every little thing becomes a huge event, I get horrendous addcusations flung at me for no valid reason. This doesn't happen too often but when it does I just feel....tired.

Sorry for whinging. Just not looking forward to going home

ACCUsations sorry!

DH used to be a bit like this. Over the years I found I had to get a lot more assertive and keep on telling him it just wasn't acceptable behaviour. What really brought this to a head was that he was behaving like this with the dcs, who were far too young to understand.

It just isn't the behaviour of an adult IMO.

I do feel for you - you must feel like you are the only grown up person in the relationship. It is very wearing.

Yes it is...I just want to sream but it won't achieve anything. And I refuse to keep papering over it by being nice until he relents - if people are rude, they shouldn't be coddled for doing it!

Guess there isn't much I can do right now except ride it out and stick to my guns.

He does sound like a dreadful drama queen - don't put up with him texting f' off to you though. Either don't text at all or text back "No, you fuck off. This insult throwing is fun isn't it. No? then lets not, it demeans us".

I wouldn't put up with someone telling me to fuck off (unless in jest) so I would tell him his behaviour is unacceptable. Calmly.

So, kind of a combination of ignoring him and telling him to grow up

whinge away, he's being a right twat.

Queen, has it always been like this or has it been getting worse recently? I think this sounds more serious than sulking.

Oh god, don't be nice to him - don't pander to his mood swings.

We rarely row, I have to say (mainly because we both hate confrontation!), but I can sort of see where your DH is coming from.

If I'm angry about something I find it impossible to switch off the feeling, even if, rationally, I know it's being silly.

It has to disperse of its own accord.

But I would just say to you to ignore your husband. The more you question him about it the more you're making him the focus of attention. And in this regard I think you have to treat him as if he is a toddler - toddlers love attention, even if it's negative attention - and just ignore, ignore, ignore.

He is behaving like a toddler. But overgrown toddlers do not make good parents, and this is something that has to be addressed, I think.

Grown ups do not have the right to the luxury of self indulgence of immature behaviour IMO. It is the cause of so many problems.

Well he has said our relationship is over. SERIOUS drama! I just find it really nasty. Yes he has always been like this, but it tends to get swept under the carpet as we dont argue very often.

It is serious as it is affecting me mentally, but I just don't know what to do about it. I have pointed out that it doesn't make sense to be happy and loving one day, then the next claim that you don't care and are leaving. I have also pointed out that this is very immature, and does nothing except lessen my respect for him. All rational points...which get completely ignored as he is 100% convinced that I am the worst person on Earth for some reason.

I don't want to leave him, that's not even on my radar, but I do want this nastiness to stop, no matter how rare it is. He wouldn't go to anger management though, as he sees it as airing dirty laundry

Pack him a bag then and call his bluff. I loathe sulkers, and ignoring them doesn't work because by the time they have thawed out, they have usually irritated you so much that now you're ready for a PROPER fight and feel like a coiled spring.

Hi QueenOfHearts - no advice, but am in the same boat. DH is very similar - and as you said, it is sooo wearing and I totally agree about not pandering to it. He's the eldest boy and I think when he was young his family always pandered to his mood swings, so he's not remotely able to cope with me not pandering to it.

I could have written your last post about pointing out rationally that every time he does it it lessens my respect for him. But it doesn't help. Not sure if anything would.

Only think to say is that he has been depressed this year - and he's definitely worse then. Almost as though the whole world is against him and the only person he can take it out on is me - about ridiculous things.

"I am responsible for 'organisation' in our lives which is incredibly tiring. Anything which needs to be arranged, even for him, I take care of"

focus on this - it needs to change. you getting resentful... he behaves like a toddler because you mother him.

i've been there done that. is easier because if you dont organize - nothing happens.

but downside is - he doesnt wash up dishes when at home all day, then you argue...

but there is a bigger picture here.

is very hard to start to change that, let him take responsibility....and let him face consequences. eg no clean dishes = no dinner....

Sorry you're going through it too Fufulina (love your name!). Yes - they do tend to take things out on us. Mine is not remotely happy at work and I have been wondering if he may be depressed. I might follow that up, because if there is a medical explanation it would make things sooo much easier to understand!

BOF I think I might - I fully expect him to still be home when I get off the train, he will probably make a point that he is only staying to annoy me and not go anywhere.

I won't force him out because I don't want to push things to another level...

x-posted C'estLaVie - I did that the other day, and he grudgingly washed up.

It is about the bigger picture. He expects (yes, expects) me to look for jobs for him, because he claims I have more knowledge than him. This is an example. I do not need this, I have a lot going on anyway. I am happy to support him of course, but not to do everything for him! Yes indeed I am becoming resentful.

I did talk to him about it and we drew up a plan of what we both needed to do, but it seems to have been forgotten.

I am in despair now. I hate feeling helpless. I can't talk to anyone in RL because they will just gloat

this man sounds like a petulant child, sulking and flouncing

who tells you to fuck off when you try to be nice to him

how would you deal with that behaviour from one of your dc's ?

should you have to ?

out if interest, does he treat anyone else like this ? Or just you ?

DH is a sulker. I have learned to ignore him but unfortunately he hangs on for ages

I tend to flare up and rant and then it's done.

Just different ways of dealing with it.

However your DH sounds impossible - telling you to fuck off. Not OK. I think I'd have to challenge him on that - no matter how upset he was.

QH2 have you considered his pov is he too scared to do things in case he does not do it right for you. You say you are teh organiser in your family; and perhaps because of this role and the level of responsibility lack of time it gives you it becomes demoralising for both of you; ie nagging or being childish. Try not to micro manage family life just ensure key things get done and see how it goes (there will no doubt be some teething problems as there are with any changes ) good luck

Gothicmama I did think about that, but he asks me to do these things, so it's not like I march in all overbearing. In fact a lot of the time I want to say "no, do it yourself" but don't as it'll start a row.

AF, it's just me, but his parents are the same. They both sit and wait for everyone else to do things for them yet are very quick to complain if anything in their life is lacking. They sulk too.

He's flat out told me he's leaving (can't count the number of times he already said that), and I told him that hurts me as it isn't true and is a horrible tool to use. He doesn't care.

I think we'll paper over this one and when he's calm I'll speak to him about seeking help, either from a GP or a counsellor. Hope you ladies are sticking around, he might ACTUALLY leave and then I'll be on here sobbing and eating my words