Help me understand WHY DH won't let things go

[QueenOfHearts22]

Every time DH and I have an argument (yesterday for e.g.) he will bear a grudge for days on end. This involves ignoring me, flouncing around like a 2 year old and generally sulking. If I push him to talk about it he will get even worse. Sometimes the smallest argument will cause him to say he's leaving, which of he isn't, but it hurts me that it is so easy for him to say that.

Is the majority of men like this, or is it just mine? I'm happy to move on after a row, discuss it calmly and then make up, but he isn't built that way.

I'm so sick of this going on for days and days. Usually after a while I can't even remember what we were fighting about!!

I have tried giving him the cold shoulder but I can't keep it up. I have tried being nice and making the effort to sort it out, but I feel this makes me seem like a pushover.

Yesterday he was absolutely in the wrong, yet in his mind he is perfectly justified in not speaking to me. It drives me nuts!

Help me understand this please...or just give me advice...I don't like to talk to RL folks about things like this as I live in a gossip mill and next thing you know everyone would think we're getting a divorce!

I should add, he is actually a very hard worker, not lazy, but when it comes to things where he feels unconfident he will EXPECT me to step in and do it for him (like job hunting or paperwork e.t.c.) It just gets very tiring always being the one giving support and not really getting much.

Oh and he also thinks I'm obsessed with material things, and accuses me of wanting to get rid of him whenever we have saved any money so that I can have it

People in RL will gloat? Why should they?

#confused#

Queen - it needs dealing with, for sure. But when couples keep having what I call "groundhog day" conversations - and nothing changes, it follows that they need to change their approach. I bet you could write a script for your conversations.

Here's my take on this. Telling you to fuck off tells me that he doesn't respect you. You (understandably) lose respect for him when he sulks like a child. I think you are perpetuating a mother-child relationship here. He rebels by not washing the dishes and sulks when you point it out. You seethe with anger and resentment - and so it goes on.

The reason I asked whether this has got worse lately is because this sort of behaviour is very common when someone is having (or thinking of having) an affair. They create arguments out of nothing and disproportionately over-react to perfectly
reasonable dissent. Depressed people who are unhappy at work are also more vulnerable to affairs.

I'm puzzled why anyone in RL would "gloat" at your problems, unless they have been telling you for years that you're H is an arse and you've been defending him - even then I'd hope they would react with sympathy and would want to help.

If he wouldn't go to anger management, I guess he wouldn't go to counselling either, in which case the only person that can change is you and your reaction to it.

I wouldn't ignore the situation and I would stop treating him like a child and perpetuating the parental dynamic here. I would confront, explain my boundaries, insist on respectful interactions and a fair division of labour.

Sometimes shock tactics are needed to halt the scripts we are playing out in life - at least consider more radical surgery if you want to resolve this issue for good.

The book "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft will be able to help you understand the dynamics of his behavior.

I would present him with an overnight bag and tell him you've called his mother and informed her of his plans to leave his family over whose turn it was to do the washing -up, or whatever the stupid argument was about, and say that she is expecting him for the night. After that he may need to organise himself a B&B, unless he wants you to book that too?

Make him see how stupid he is being and call his bluff.

This sounds like far far more than sulking to me, but then maybe I am just over reacting, but after finaly realising how truly awfully my XH treated me for 10 years, there is no way in high heaven I would take this kind of shit from anyone!

Your posting breaks my heart Queen. It sound like you are really suffering and this is NOT normal healthy behaviour from him.

I hope he doesn't do this to your DCs as well, Queen, when they do wrong.
My hideous stepfather used to spend days/weeks on end with one of us (including mum) in the doghouse where he would barely acknowledge our presence and it was so damaging.

Please try and get some help. It is not a good thing for your DCs to see.

Telling you to fuck off, and that he is leaving over a minor manner such as who did the dishes is absolutely unacceptable.

My parents used to have arguments and I can remember sitting on the stairs listening to my mother say she was leaving. She even had her suitcase on the bed. I think I was about 13 or 14yo.

I worried for weeks about it. She had no intention of leaving, it was just words that she threw at him.

When I was an adult I talked to her about it and she was amazed that I still remembered that and that I was so worried. She asked me if I did not know that she and Dad loved each other to bits. She could not believe that it still upset me even as an adult.

What I am saying is that your DC will hear him talk to you like that. Hear him threaten to leave.

If I were you I would lay down some ground rules. Sulking over minor arguments is not allowed. Abusive language, emotional abuse (threatening to leave) is not acceptable.

If he threatens to leave then say, 'Yes, it might be a good idea for us both to have some space to think about what we want from our relationship.'

I would point out to him that his behaviour is poisoning your relationship, that you are getting tired, that is he doesn't grow up and take responsibility for himself than you can see that your relationship will end, though that isn't what you want now. He can either pull up his socks now or watch it drift into the dustbin.

I would suggest couple counselling or some such. If he refuses, then you can tell him that you can't think of any other way of saving it before it's too late. Better to start now when things are not too bad, than in a few years down the line, when you're so fed up with it you don't care any more.

Queen - Have you looked into Passive-Aggressive behaviour? Have a search and see if your DH fits the profile.

certainly the lundy bancroft book might help you see if other patterns of behaviour are there too - it includes many anecdotes of different behviours and explains why they are abusive...i recognized so many it was unreal...

even if depressed it doesnt justify such behaviour -however if he is prepared to go to GP and spill his soul and thoughts then that would be good...

"He expects (yes, expects) me to look for jobs for him, because he claims I have more knowledge than him"

my exP was the same, still is...he claims he is now incapable of having his children in his own flat ..."i am not strong like you" "i cannto cope like you can" ... so keeps trying to come to mine. (the answer is no but that is another story anyway).

it is a kind of flattery we can get sucked in by "you are so clever, you can help me!"

you are not his mother and he is not your child/teenager.

i also had the threats to leave and certianly looking back now wish i had taken him up on this and not gone thru six more years of it....I agree with "If he threatens to leave then say, 'Yes, it might be a good idea for us both to have some space to think about what we want from our relationship.'" .

it just might save you both.

Oh god - I had a relationship with someone who did this years ago. It still gives me chills now. He'd go days without speaking to me, and I'd be so upset, wanting to know what it was I'd done. I'd get the stock answer 'if you don't know, I'm not going to tell you'. It was usually something completely innocuous like not laughing at one of his jokes in the pub or saying something he deemed derogatory to him.

When I eventually had enough and left, he was utterly bewildered - kept saying 'but I thought if you loved someone you could behave how you like - they'll forgive you'. I had to explain to him that it didn't work that way, and emotional blackmail and manipulation erodes respect, love and eventually any good feeling whatsoever.

I don't know what to suggest, but it's not bloody healthy for anyone in that situation, least of all you. I agree with cestlavie - take him up on his threats to leave. Present him with an overnight bag, and the knowledge that he's brought it on himself.

Echo the others, especially WhenwillI, this doesn't sound like a pleasant or healthy way to carry on and I'm not surprised it's wearing you down.

I'd get that Lundy Bancroft book for definite. Threatening to leave you every 5 minutes is definitely a behavioural trait which is mentioned in there, as is stonewalling you (refusing to discuss issues rationally) and overreacting to simple things.

If your friends are likely to gloat over this, then I strongly suggest you get new ones.

Echo many others, next time he threatens to leave call his bluff, tell him to go and that he can call you when he has a)grown up and b)when he is ready to discuss the state of your marriage and whether there is anything worth saving.

Why are you going home to him tonight ?
Why don't you stop out one night to think about things and see how you both feel tomorrow?

My DH used to do this as well - it's infuriating and draining at the same time.

The first time he said he was leaving, I was devastated, as it is not the sort of threat that I would throw about unless I meant it.

The twentieth time he said it, I told him his suitcase was on top of the wardrobe!

He's behaving like a moody teenager, and you're behaving like the parent (understandably), but you both need to meet somewhere in the middle.

What's he getting out of behaving like this? Lots of power, unfortunately. He's calling the shots, getting you to appease him, trying to smooth things over. If there was an upper hand, then he's holding it.

Not engaging with the behaviour, but pointing it out so that everyone knows where they are is one tactic. Explain your point-of-view, and if they still persist in sulking, just ignore it.

Don't keep asking what's wrong. That will just encourage him to continue. Instead, be neutral:
"I can tell that you're upset with me, and I have no idea why. I'd like to talk about it."

If he refuses to respond, then, and this is the critical bit, act as though nothing is wrong. Just go on about your business.

Eventually it'll get through to him that he is not getting anything from being a
tosser his behaviour. It's a long road though. Good luck!

Gosh thanks all for the replies. We don't actually have DCs yet (don't kill me for being a non-mum on Mumsnet, just needed some advice) so at least there's a positive.

We live abroad and tbh I don't have many friends, and no close ones. About the gloating...well I just mean that my family think I am too young to be settled down (23) and there would be a lot of 'I told you so'. I also know that they would just tell me to leave him, and if I didn't and we worked it out then we would have a lifetime of awkardness as my family wouldn't let it go. I suppose it's about saving face.

I know it isn't acceptable, but I don't know what I can do. It is a mother/child thing to some extent which irritates me, but I understand as his mother left when he was quite young. I'm sure there is some deep-lying issue there (well, not very deep it appears). He also has issues trusting women and I'm sure it comes from the same thing.

I feel like he's scared to make any changes, and just wants life made easy. But life isn't like that, and it's not fair to give me so much to juggle.

Don't know what to do now. BTW he was home when I went home yesterday afternoon and we just blanked each other. He stayed up really late watching a film so I was asleep before he came to bed.

you are only 23 and living like this ?

oh dear

As I said we rarely argue, but yes this is what it's like when we do.

AFforamincepie, that response is precisely why I won't tell anyone in RL (no offense, I'm not being rude and understand your comment!)

If you're only 23 and you don't have children and he treats you like this, why are you with him? Seriously, what do you get out of it?

OK guys, please don't just say I should leave, because as I say we are very happy 95% of the time and I refuse to just give up on our marriage because of this.

I may be 23 but I am happy I am married to him. I don't want to just start defending myself for being married. Why do people assume that just because of my age I should give up?

Thank you for the advice offered, I will try to follow it up.

How are you happy 95% of the time when he ignores you for a couple of days for being annoyed that he didn't do the washing up when he was off work?

And you don't want to hear that he's not going to change. So I guess you are looking for the key to make him behave like a nice person to you rather than behaving like a complete prick.

I think I'd better here

Sorry to have offended you, I am just asking for advice on behavioural issues and how to deal with them or improve the situation. I do not believe the only way to do that is by leaving.

I don't think anyone can say he isn't going to change, how can you know that? I am going to give him an ultimatum and ensure that he gets help, as these issues obviously come from something to do with his mum (not an excuse, but a cause which needs to be recognised).

As I have said previously, we rarely argue, so yes we are happy most of the time, and perhaps I have given the incorrect impression that he does nothing at all (he does - he cleans and cooks and works 10 hour days) but on occasion we argue about various little things and it is behaviour post-row that I wanted advice on. The washing up here is irrelevant, it is the fact that he sulks so much and becomes so hard to communicate with on occasion when we disagree.

Sorry if I come across as a doormat, I am not. I have told him I will not accept such language, and am currently giving him the cold shoulder. Once this is sorted out we will take action on dealing with the bigger picture. I expect he will be willing to speak to a GP about depression, and if he isn't then I will go from there.

I will check out the book recommended, thanks

I fins it admirable that you are so loyal to him and not just giving up in your marriage. This is a great thing.

It would be good if he would offer you the same loyalty.

Leaving him is a big step, perhaps too big a step for you but you have to get through to him that his behaviour is unacceptable.

When you have children, do you want him to treat your DC like this? His behaviour would be very damaging to the self esteem of a child (as it is to you).

At the moment you are sticking with him, as I said admirable. Your DC will not have a choice - they will be stuck with an emotionally abusive father.

From what you write about him apart from this issue, he seems to be a lovely bloke. But he just cannot hide from his issues. He needs to put it behind him and move on so you can enjoy your life together.

Is there any way you might manage yo persuade him to go for counselling? Or could you let him read this thread?

Your love for him shines through on this thread, and your hurt and confusion at his cruel treatment is also unmissable.

If he loves you as you deserve to be loves then he has to recognise that and deal with his demons.