Help me understand WHY DH won't let things go

[QueenOfHearts22]

Every time DH and I have an argument (yesterday for e.g.) he will bear a grudge for days on end. This involves ignoring me, flouncing around like a 2 year old and generally sulking. If I push him to talk about it he will get even worse. Sometimes the smallest argument will cause him to say he's leaving, which of he isn't, but it hurts me that it is so easy for him to say that.

Is the majority of men like this, or is it just mine? I'm happy to move on after a row, discuss it calmly and then make up, but he isn't built that way.

I'm so sick of this going on for days and days. Usually after a while I can't even remember what we were fighting about!!

I have tried giving him the cold shoulder but I can't keep it up. I have tried being nice and making the effort to sort it out, but I feel this makes me seem like a pushover.

Yesterday he was absolutely in the wrong, yet in his mind he is perfectly justified in not speaking to me. It drives me nuts!

Help me understand this please...or just give me advice...I don't like to talk to RL folks about things like this as I live in a gossip mill and next thing you know everyone would think we're getting a divorce!

You haven't offended me in the slightest.

Of course people can change but only if they want to. I can't see anything in any of your posts that indicate that he's interested in changing. You want him to but that isn't the same thing. How are you going to 'ensure he gets help'? You said earlier that he has refused counselling.

I'm not entirely sure how you expect this transformation to come about unless, as I said earlier, you are hoping someone has a magic key that will mean you can disable the mean sulky child part of him.

I know this isn't what you want to hear but I'm old and have been in too many relationships where I've tried to 'fix' people and I know from bitter experience what a fruitless battle it is. But I guess that's something you need to experience for yourself.

I think he will change. I think he'll get worse. I honestly think he'll step it up and you'll end up doing EVERYTHING around the house and attending to his every whim.

His 'punishment' system when you step out of line is proving very effective.

I honestly thought you had children because you said you were in charge of everything. That situation often arises after children partly because of practicalities. Not always a sign of a massive relationship imbalance in that instance imo.

But in your case it makes me feel really worried. I think issues like this usually appear or, if already present, get exponentially worse when children come.

I think people mentioning your age here and the fact you don't have children yet, are trying to give you a bit of a warning tbh.

I do think it's fixable - my dh doesn't do it anymore, well not very often, but the problem is you both have to accept that it needs to be changed. And people can be scared of change.

Counsellors see this sort of thing all the time - it's a very common communication problem. He is being difficult, but you are colluding in it as well - giving him the cold shoulder just means you are both playing games and as someone said following a script.

Ultimatums are a bit dramatic unless you really have reached the end of your tether and are prepared to carry them out. Otherwise it's just an empty threat.

When he has calmed down - are you able to talk to him about why he reacts like that?
I think you need to persuade him to go to counselling, preferably together. But if not, go on your own! It will help you understand the dynamics going on.

I think my post has been entirely taken out of context (or parts of it ignored). I did not post to hear opinions on what age people 'should' experience relationship issues or what age is deemed acceptable to get married.

I'm not trying to be flippant, or defensive, however my issue is that on rare occasions my DH is irritatingly sulky. I wanted to know if anyone else experiences this, and it seems they do. I want to know how you deal with this type of personality, which some have shared, so thank you.

I think it is ridiculous to write off a person because of something like this - age has absolutely nothing to do with it. Should he, or any sulky person, stay single forever? Of course not.

I will explain to him why I need him to go to the GP. I hope he will do it, and actually, I think he will as he knows he has issues, and he is not happy with them. I do not know if he will go to a counsellor, as he really is not one to discuss personal things with strangers. I think though that if I really push it he will, as he does love me and goes out of his way to make me happy (except when he's sulking!).

I'm honestly shocked that people would write off an entire relationship because, perhaps a few times a year, their partner gets into a sulk.

I wonder, if I had said that I was 40 would the answers be different? I'm sure they would. And for what it's worth, he would attend counselling for himself, to cope with what happened to him when he was young, so it's not really that astounding is it.

If I tell you where he originates it'll be a real field day!

Thank you to those who offered advice (other than 'leave now and get a divorce'), I genuinely appreciate it

Queenof hearts

I'm nearly 40. My relationship with dh started when I was young and after a long separation we got back together married and had children.

My husband has gone through a long period where he was being verbally/emotionally abusive to me and then to our children. On top of this he was also fairly physically threatening by breaking things etc.

Our relationship has always been fairly stormy. Not on an everyday basis - but at least a couple of times a year. It started off as you have described. He would throw tantrums at small things. The way I did things wouldn't be right and he would go into a sulk. Because he had told me how to do it, if I didn't do things his way it was a sign that I had no respect for him and that I was treating him like shit. These things varied from the way I made his coffee (adding the sugar before the hot water etc), the way I cooked the pasta, the way I talked to my mum about things etc.
Eventually I just tried to do things his way for an easier life. Of course once children arrived this became impossible and the amount of times we argued increased.
It's very confusing to live in a relationship like this. You start to doubt everything and end up believing lots of the things you are told about yourself.
I confronted dh this summer and after much heartache both he and I are going to separate counselling to see if things can improve. He has loads of issues but they cannot be excuses anymore.

I now realise the importance of not accepting ANY bad behaviour from a partner. If you put a very firm foot down now there might be some hope (if he responds etc), but otherwise you will end up in the same cycle as many of us here have.

Do not get drawn into the nitty gritty of an argument. It is always irrelevant. Simply say I will not be treated like this. This is your problem etc. It's hard to do when you are not used to standing up to someone but it's worth it.
I am now good at saying. 'I'm not being unreasonable about this' moving on and not getting dragged into the old defending oneself routine.

I'm angry now at how I put up with this rubbish for so long. I assume many of us here just want to really warn you how your situation could (easily) end up.

But it's not just about the sulks is it? You said:

"I just don't understand why I am always to blame. I am responsible for 'organisation' in our lives which is incredibly tiring. Anything which needs to be arranged, even for him, I take care of. I never get any thanks, and when I mention that I am told I'm being overdramatic."

Sorry you're not getting the responses that you wanted though.

I agree, there are red flags and warning claxons all over this.

where does he originate from then ?

is it relevant ?

OP, Unless he originates from outer space (and even then..), I can't see any justification for him behaving like this. Regardless of any cultural differences, it's simply mean, bullying behaviour.

I think the concern over your age for me is how much more life you may have to live in this marriage. And could you honestly put up with this treatment for another sixty years or so? Please take heed of all of us who say this kind of behaviour really can escalate once children arrive too. H was fairly reasonable pre dc's.

I think you're brave for taking the first steps towards help now though. I truly hope he can change for you.

so sad he is controlling and emotionaly abusive, I spent 10 years defending my "lovely H" to people, saying he was a "good father", we "loved each other" (we did), we "had a laugh" (we did), and probably 90% of the time it WAS fine, but mainly because 90% of the time "I did as I was told", I tiptoed round trying not to piss him off
And to start with it was the cold shoulder, the sulking, the ignoring, the oh so subtle out downs, until suddenly 10 years later, I absolutely and honestly felt it was all my fault, that I just wasnt good enough, didnt try hard enough, didnt do it right, didnt love him enough, care enough And having children made it a million times worse, because I couldnt always pander to his "moods", I couldnt tip toe around (though I tried), and it became noticeable that he wasnt the father I so deperately hoped/expected/wanted him to be

It got worse and worse, the oh so subtle put down became less subtle ("you stupid useless fucking fat cunt") and of course because it had been gradual for 10 years, I was so so normalised to this behaviour, it took me a long time to realised how crap it was!

It took a lot lot more before I finally "gave up on him/on our marriage", but to save myself and my daughters thats exactly what I had to do

I am not saying this is what will happen to you, I AM saying that with the knowledge of hinsight there are big red flashing signs all over the show, and its only now I see them !

No one is putting you down or dismissing you because of your age (you sound a lovely mature young lady as was I when I met my XH), now I feel old and bitter and useless and worn out

I was 25 when I met him, I am 38 now, I have 2 wonderful DD's (the only positive really), and a mountain of emotional damage to me and them, and a mountain of debt!
If I could go back maybe I would run away, maybe not, who knows (would I give my DD's back if I could go back and undo it, I hoenstly dont know, I would choose a better father for them I think)!
But I often think of the person I was when I met him, and the person I am now, and he has damaged me very badly emotionally maybe for always, I will never be that person I think I could have been!

If I can prevent one person from going through it, then I will be happy, so I wil keep telling my story and shouting warnings and maybe over reacting, but one day someone will listen and their future will be different and better !! Good luck (I hate to say it but I think you will need it)

you "rarely argue"..."happy 95 % of the time"..."I'm so sick of this going on for days and days. Usually after a while I can't even remember what we were fighting about!!"

the maths dont seem to add up...why would you post otherwise?

giving him cold shoulder for hours/days means you also participating in this game, as was said.

it doesnt sound like a happy relationship but clearly there are times you think is worth it. but that is how it works in abusive relationship - they are nice and cahrming and lvoely - oh and especially in front of other people! they dont abuse 24/7. but when the "bad" times make you want to post to an internet group about them...then it has to be serious...

i would say yes go to counselling yourself... espec if he wont.

if he says "but my mother left when i was young"then you could try to persuade him to a ddress this background in counselling . but if he wont then is his problem not yours.

Hello,
The behavior you describe from your partner is called disrespect. You can not force him to respect you, by the way.

What to do about it? You need to decide how much disrespect , "disrespect" , and disrespect you are willing to accept in your life and in the lives of children you might have one day.

The more you accept, the more you will get.

You can pretend that disrespect is not emotional abuse, if that gives you comfort, but that won't change the fact that it is what it is: emotional abuse. Disrespect, public or private, "petty" or not, degrades you to enhance his superiority over you.

He: Master; You: servant. Or as you put it- a pushover. Please do not ignore that, your feeling, because that is a beacon of truth in the reality of your circumstances.

hi queen I am so much in your shoes that I do know where it is going , I am at a point where I am the one telling him I am leaving , what is the point , those who are telling you to ignore hil are used to shutting their hearts and suffering on silence in the name of?my mum always said , do not let the sun go down with your anger , I never go to bed without voicing my anger to him whatever it takes I refused to let time hardened me and bitter me if he threatens to leave next time you speak up pack his things up and give them to him ; you will see, unless you want to sink start learning how to swil