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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

painful relationship breakdown (affairs)

64 replies

ike1 · 02/12/2009 13:54

I have posted before but changed my name. I discovered a month ago that my husband has been having affairs for over 4 years during our 15 year realtionship. I am still in shock a month later.

He is staying until after Christmas (we have 2 children) but is adamant that he wants to leave. He is renting a house a couple of miles away and will continue to see the children regularly but also wants to continue seeing his current OW. He is a very doting father and loves the kids but says that he will be there for me practically but no longer emotionally (in truth this has probably been the case for years).

I still love him (stupid I know) and cling pathetically to the hope of him returning and the continuation of our old comfortable life. I know deep down that this is ridiculous. I have sought out free counselling and hope to keep the house and live on a small budget. I am a SAHM (he wants the kids to stay in the family home - I can proabably buy it with a small inheritance).

My question is how do you deal with the loneliness and long nights on your own when you have been used to company? (He is a very easy going person whereas I am prone to anxiety and over analysis).

I have a small group of friends but feel isolated and have no family. I need to get tough and find a warrior spirit somewhere but I feel cold, tired and very alone and scared. If there is anyone who has been through this and is at peace now can you come and chat? Also anyone who is going throught he same. Thanks.

OP posts:
elastamum · 02/12/2009 13:59

hiya,

Just wanted to reply that you are not alone as I know how you feel.
My ex left us about 18 months ago. Also had lots of affairs. All the emotions you describe are totally normal, it can be overwhelming particularly at first. If you can, get yourself a counsellor and lean on them for a bit, it really helped me. Also try to see if you can get a babysitter every now and agin to get out and see trusted friends so you dont sit in every night - this has been a challenge for me as I work full time. And keep posting - will reply more later

harimosmummy · 02/12/2009 14:01

Hi,

I'm not going through the same thing, but just wanted to say hi.

You do need to get practical - in the short term at least.

This will sound cold, but right now, your H is probably feeling guilty. So, getting what you want now will be easier than getting what you want in the future (when he has 'moved on')

Make a list of what you want:
You want to stay in the house you are in
You want to be the custodial parent
You want to send the kids to XXXX school

Add to this list as much as you want.

Then (sorry this is going to sound harsh) get a divorce and ask him to leave.

Be as dignified as you can. Do all you can to make it easier for the kids.

The long and lonely nights, well... I'm not sure. I'm on my own with 2 kids 5 days a week and, even when my husband is at home, he rarely wants to do anything with us, but it does get easier. I have a network here now, and a good nanny share which is amazing.

Not sure that's of any help. I can't really help with the emotions of dealing with the last 4 years etc.,

HM x

ajandjjmum · 02/12/2009 14:06

Sorry you're going through this.
I do remember my SIL being advised that it was best her ex left before Christmas, as the strain of living together over the extended holiday would be harder on her ds and dd who were very young at the time.
I would imagine that it's a really painful time for you at the moment - hope things work out for the best for you in time.

Original poster
ike1 · 02/12/2009 14:12

Thanks for the replies, I must admit I feel like I have been asleep for the last 15 years and now the bubble has literally burst. I have seen a solicitor and she says I need to divorce asap to insure my security. It just seems so final. I dont think he would jeopardise the kids financial security and would want them to remain in as much of a routine as poss. So I am going to do this after Xmas.

If it was just me and him well I am sure it would be a case of 50:50. I feel in limbo, life is continuing seemingly as normal but with him sleeping downstairs and refusing to give me a kiss etc. It is bloody agonising.

OP posts:
tiredoftherain · 02/12/2009 14:13

Your poor thing, a month isn't long enough to have absorbed the shock so don't put too much pressure on yourself to feel any particular way now.

I found out about H's affair in July, and it's only 2 weeks since he moved out. He was carrying it on all along despite us going to Relate together. The pain is excruciating, whether you still love them or not (and tbh, I don't think I'd been in love with him for some time.) Every day brings a new realisation at the moment, and the arrival of the credit card bill today told a story about what he's been up to.

I'm used to the evenings as he worked away for ages. I actually enjoy having evenings to myself and either get people round, or have a babysitter so I can go out at least a couple of times a week. Otherwise, I cook a nice dinner, chat to friends on the phone, have a bath and read, or come on here. By the time the dc's are in bed, there are only 2 or 3 hours to kill and I actually relish that precious free time to myself.

Weekends are a different story though, and I'm trying to plan things as much as possible. My family are a very long way away and my oldest friends aren't local either.

I think you really need to try and accept that he isn't coming back (although if things don't work with OW, he might change his tune. By then hopefully you'll have moved on.) I know how tough this is, but the sooner you can reach that mindset, the easier you'll find it to move on. 4 years is a very long time to be deceiving someone, and I couldn't take H back after 6 months of it, let alone years. Go and get a good solicitor and get the process underway.

harimosmummy · 02/12/2009 14:14

I agree, if he's adament he's leaving, then start your new life with your kids NOW.

You will have a better christmas (honestly, you will - even if you can't see it right now) if he's not there, than if he's there and you are constantly thinking 'he's thinking of her'.

And, if he ever is going to change his mind, the best way to facilitate that is to make him realise what he's missing.

Allowing him to have his cake and eat it isn't going to help anyone.

Original poster
ike1 · 02/12/2009 14:15

I realise that 'kiss' bit sounds silly but what I am saying is that the complete withdrawal of physical contact is hard. I know Xmas will be a strain but I just cant do it to the kids at this stage.

OP posts:
tiredoftherain · 02/12/2009 14:18

Don't assume anything about how he'll behave. He's being influenced by someone else now and they'll want the best financial situation for themselves I'm afraid. You really have to look after yourself and the dc's here.

I know it's tough and the timing isn't great but get it moving now and file against him. I waited a few weeks only for H to hit me with a petition against me for my unreasonable behaviour.

Original poster
ike1 · 02/12/2009 14:20

The kids really have no clue and are olny used to a harmonious family life. My other half has incredible mind control, he is essentially a contented person with himself, it is me that has made him unhappy. He has buried this unhappiness deeply. Although the cracks have been showing over the summer.

I will have to just get on with Xmas his tenancy is due to start in Jan. You may find this hard to belive, but in 15 years we have spent 5 nights away from each other and have always slept in the same bed.

OP posts:
tiredoftherain · 02/12/2009 14:21

ike, can't you get the legal process going without the dc's knowing? If he's sleeping downstairs they must know something's up. They'll sense it from the atmosphere even if you don't tell them.

If you do want him back, absolutely the best strategy is to pretend you don't. Show him how strong you are and what he's missing. By the time he does possibly want to come back, you may well find you've moved on so much you don't want him any more..

harimosmummy · 02/12/2009 14:21

I really agree with tiredoftherain - Get financial sorted sooner rather than later.

there is no way of knowing how he'll act.

Original poster
ike1 · 02/12/2009 14:22

I know what you mean tired and this is of course a concern. The paperwork is immense and I know it is going to take a while to sort out.

OP posts:
tiredoftherain · 02/12/2009 14:23

And no you haven't made him unhappy, don't fall into that trap! People really are responsible for their own happiness. I really think it's wrong to take your happiness at the expense of others too. He should have dealt with this properly 4 years ago rather than allowing it go on for so long.

Can I ask how you discovered the affair?

Original poster
ike1 · 02/12/2009 14:23

If I say I feel like a child inside does this make sense to you?

OP posts:
harimosmummy · 02/12/2009 14:24

There is one alternative you could look at.

It's called a judicial separation.

I can tell you more about it if you want.

What does your Husband want / say? Does he want to stay until January?

Original poster
ike1 · 02/12/2009 14:25

text messages

OP posts:
Original poster
ike1 · 02/12/2009 14:27

What is a judicial separation? does this shore up the finances? I can buy the house and give him a small pay off much less than his entitlement. I need to make sure he does not come back for more - but I dont think he would do this for the sake of the kids whomw he absolutely adores.

OP posts:
tiredoftherain · 02/12/2009 14:28

ike, I am in exactly the same position, I promise you! And I do understand what you mean, it makes you as vulnerable and exposed as can be, but you need to find the strength from somewhere to get through this. The solicitor will handle the paperwork for you, or talk you through everything.

I saw 4 solicitors before I found the right one for me, every time I went to an appointment I got stronger and more knowledgeable. Get yourself a copy of Divorce for Dummies, my mum got it for me (made my dad go to the till with it, bless him!) and it's great. Find out your basic entitlements, and then work out what you need. Go and find copies of any bank statements, payslips, utility bills etc and photocopy the lot.

tiredoftherain · 02/12/2009 14:31

Snap. Text messages sent from H's phone and then forwarded from OW to others was what got them caught. Plus this weekend she was actually stupid enough to update her FB status while out on a date with H.. so I had the displeasure of catching them red handed.

Original poster
ike1 · 02/12/2009 14:40

Yeah I have seen a real hard nosed solicitor who basically said that he was being extemely generous. I cant bear the thought of sharing the kids at some point, let alone that he is with someone else even if part time. He says she will only stay 2 nights a week. As I type this I cant believe my kind husband has shat on me so much. How will I ever trust another man again?

OP posts:
harimosmummy · 02/12/2009 14:48

Exactly,

Judicial separation gets the money side of things sorted, without calling (absolute) time on the relationship.

Original poster
ike1 · 02/12/2009 14:50

Sounds like the thing to do then. He says he is 95percent certain he wants out but I need the stability while not calling time on our life together which was not perfect but good enough.

OP posts:
harimosmummy · 02/12/2009 14:55

def. worth looking into it.

It sends him a clear signal that, while you raen't saying there is no hope of a reconciliation, you need the stability incase he does decide to walk .

Original poster
ike1 · 02/12/2009 14:56

He is walking but I am clinging if you see what I mean

OP posts:
harimosmummy · 02/12/2009 15:00

If he is not giving you even the slightest incling of a reconciliation, then my advice would be go for a divorce.

Even if it's not what you want. It's what you need.