painful relationship breakdown (affairs)

[ike1]

I have posted before but changed my name. I discovered a month ago that my husband has been having affairs for over 4 years during our 15 year realtionship. I am still in shock a month later.

He is staying until after Christmas (we have 2 children) but is adamant that he wants to leave. He is renting a house a couple of miles away and will continue to see the children regularly but also wants to continue seeing his current OW. He is a very doting father and loves the kids but says that he will be there for me practically but no longer emotionally (in truth this has probably been the case for years).

I still love him (stupid I know) and cling pathetically to the hope of him returning and the continuation of our old comfortable life. I know deep down that this is ridiculous. I have sought out free counselling and hope to keep the house and live on a small budget. I am a SAHM (he wants the kids to stay in the family home - I can proabably buy it with a small inheritance).

My question is how do you deal with the loneliness and long nights on your own when you have been used to company? (He is a very easy going person whereas I am prone to anxiety and over analysis).

I have a small group of friends but feel isolated and have no family. I need to get tough and find a warrior spirit somewhere but I feel cold, tired and very alone and scared. If there is anyone who has been through this and is at peace now can you come and chat? Also anyone who is going throught he same. Thanks.

Oh God it just feels live severing off a limb - apart from the kids he is the only family I have.

I don't want to offend anyone, but I would liken it to this;

If a doctor said: Your leg needs to come off to save your life... You'd probably agree, yes?

Well, that's what is happening here.

If he's adament he's going... then he's going.

The best thing you can do is get to know the OW and make sure she will be the influence you want her to be in your kids lives (or stop her being a part of their lives)

How old are your kids?

You need to think about meeting with her, unless the kids are teenagers.

they are 2 and 5 she doesnt want kids apparently and he is going to live alone and not introduce her to them unless the relation
ship becomes more significant.

ike, I am so so sorry but it has to be said that you cannot make him love you enough to stay

unless you would let him stay and continue his extra-marital affairs, because there is no way he will ever stop

your phrase "current OW" says it all really

please stop clinging on, it does your self-esteem no good at all

you also said your previous relationship with him was "good enough". Listen to yourself. Would you tell one of your kids this when they grow up? That it is Ok to be shat on and humiliated (repeatedly) for something that is only "good enough".

Set yourself free from him, he doesn't want you. You will find someone else who is more than good enough. Even if you never do, that is better than hanging on for something that no longer exists.

Personally, I would ask him to leave immediately, fuck Xmas. How dare he still hang onto his home comforts, still shag the OW whenever he feels like it and get to look like Big Lovely Family Man at the festive season.

The kids will be OK, and you won't feel like some sort of sad muppet for putting up with his appalling treatment and asking for more!

Perhaps he needs to sleep on somebody's floor at Xmas...after all, he doesn't want his family any more, does he ?

Speak to your solicitor and say that having him still resident is affecting your emotional health, because I can categorically tell you, the longer it goes on the worse you will feel.

ok, that's something, I suppose.

You need to have a clear plan when she is introduced to them.

How / when etc., I went throguh a real thing of meeting DSDs with their mum. It's hard on the adults but definitely benefits the kids.

I am, if you hadn't guessed, on the 'other side' of the story - I mostly closely resemble the OW (in that I'm step mum), but I hope I can give you some advice having been in this situation for over 10 years.

I know I know I appear like a sap and I do feel like I am drowning in the emotions of seeing him plan his budgets and preparing to move on. He is such an involved father that to cut him out dramatically would be terrible for the kids. However I know that I feel weaker when he is around.

When he moves out the idea is that all the care will be done in in the family home for now, I will practicaly see him every morning and most evenings. apart from eating and sleeping alone he will still be around alot. I know everyone will say CAKE and EATING but I dont know how else to play it.

ike1, you need to get angry now I am afraid, very angry. He is calling all the shots atm. Listen to Tired, she is going through this atm and speaks some wise words now.

My H had an affair 7/8 months ago, only lasted 3 months but when I found out (he was actually staying with OW - told me he was with mates to get his space ) all his stuff was packed in bin bags and he was made to collect them. I loved and still love my H but he wasn't going to treat me like that. Within a week he had left OW and we were in counselling.

This affair says more about him than it does about you and don't let him tell you otherwise.

Good luck.

Apparently he is no longer seeing this woman but she is waiting in the wings until after Xmas.

FFS!! As Countingto10 said, you need to get angry.

Not to be angry, but to get things sorted for you

He is sorting himself. You need to concentrate on the practicalities of you and the kids.

That you are concerned about the kids means you are a good mum but whatever effect his decision has on the kids is his alone - as long as you ensure access etc.,

Got to go... DS has just slapped DD!!!

ike, he is lying to you

he will be still seeing her

I also think she is lying to him wrt not wanting kids and he will end up with egg on his face, but that isn't your problem.

Btw, if he moves out he can still be involved in the kids lives.

He is getting all his own way, on his terms

What do you want ? (Apart from wishing all this was just a bad dream)

Ike, you really, really need to take care of yourself and your kids. I promise you he is looking out for himself!

Go and get a shit hot solicitor, state what you want out of the divorce and more importantly start taking care of yourself.

Get dressed nicely, do you hair and make-up, I can assure you your H will have more respect for you if you do this.

I guess I feel I need to tread carefully if I want to keep the house on my terms. I dont want to chuck him out and have him moving in with her straight away and be under her influence. I also feel I need to let him see the kids as much as possible, then when the finances are sorted perhaps I will be able to call the shots more. At the moment I am trying to do my UCAS form to retrain as an OT.

Next I think I will try for a judicial separation if that gets the legals done without feeling like I have emotionally crippled myself.

Don't you have the right to stay in the house until the DC are 18 (providing the house isn't too big). I was legally separated from my 1st H for 5 years and there was a clause in the agreement whereby the house would be sold or I would pay him whatever he was due when DS1 reached 18. Only a 2 bedroom house so would have been unreasonable for him to expect me to move and I couldn't afford to pay him off at the time.

I have a friend who divorced her H after his affair - she is staying in the house with the 3DC but on interest only mortgage.

Ike - just read all this and I'm so sorry. This must have been a terrible shock and I suspect the pain is now kicking in.

I do understand your dilemma about Christmas. I wonder whether a part of you feels that if he is with you all at what is normally a very "warm inside" time of year, he will think: "I can't give this up"?
I also understand your worries about the children and I am torn.

When my children were little, it was terribly important to me to give them lovely Christmas memories, so we had family rituals and I even created "smells" from cooking, candles etc. that in years to come, would always remind them of this time of year.

While I agree wholeheartedly with the others, that asking him to leave before Christmas might be the best for you, I'm conflicted about the children and the memories this might give them of Christmas.

I read from what you say (and between the lines) that you are still hoping he will come to his senses. If this is what you want - don't be afraid to say that to us.

If it is, I'd suggest you go into battle mode now then and the very best way to help him change his mind is to make him believe you want out too. Do make yourself feel good with your appearance and stop telling him everything. Be cheerful but secretive in his company. Ask him now to start getting his stuff together so that moving day is easier. Tell him you're thinking of advertising for a student lodger (hunky young males only of course!

You may have seen my advice on numerous other threads like this, but I often suggest that at some point you very calmly say to him: "Actually, I realise you haven't been meeting my sexual needs for some time now. I'm really quite excited about giving someone else the opportunity to do that..."
He probably thinks he's some sort of stud muffin, having all these affairs. I'd love him to have a niggling doubt that actually, he's a bit crap in bed, but that no-one has ever had the honesty to tell him, because they've wanted other things from him.

If you want him back, he needs to see you in a different light, I'm afraid. The OW thinks she's got all the cards stacked in her favour at the moment, being understanding and waiting in the wings. You need to play a better game. Before anyone comes on here about women fighting over a prize prick - I agree, but if this is what Ike wants - and it will help her esteem at this awful time, that's fine.

Has he said why all this has happened Ike? By the ages of your children, it sounds like he wasn't prepared for the demands of parenthood, but there may be other reasons.

Be kind to yourself through all this and try to make sure you get some TLC from the people who love you most. I understand how frightening this all is and that you feel like a little girl again. Listen to that voice Ike and get some nurturing from someone who cares. If you go into battle like I suggest, you will need someone to weep and wail with out of sight of him.

Oh God, from one desperate clinger on to another: Get rid before Xmas, it will be the best thing you can possibly do for yourself the children, and any smidgen of possible hope for a reconciliation.

All of us convince ourselves that keeping up appearances for the children is a good thing for them but it so ISN'T! It's a nice cushion for our bruised ego on the surface, but it does children no favours and sends plenty of dreadful messages about self worth and relationships.

You aren't going to avoid the hurt and small amount of devastation. You will never be a cosy family unit as you once were ,but you will be a happy family with a mum and dad who live apart if you can demonstrate bravery and respect for each other and yourselves now by separating ASAP as you know you must. It hurts, it does but this won't make it hurt any more, honestly.

I really think a judicial separation is what you need. It gives him the 'legal' separation he appears to want, it gives you to the financial support you need and neither of you, at this time, has totally ended the marriage.

One thing you (OP) need to understand is that a judicial separation puts you in control. I think this is what you need right now. You can divorce him at any time, but he would have to wait 5 years (unless you agree).

It's a small thing, really, but it gives you a window of control. which you might feel you need.

Anyway, look into it.

do be truthful about what you want. It's the only way you will find closure over everything that has happened / is happening.

oh dear

I know you expected someone to come along and say this wwifn, but but but but...

I don't think this man is worth fighting for

he started dipping his wick when the eldest dc was only a tiny baby, then carried on right through OP's 2nd pg

this "current" OW is only the latest one, and I would suspect, not the last

let her have him OP, he will do the same to her as he did to you

wwifn, this is not a "one-off", a single terrible mistake

this is a sustained, calculated period of unfaithfulness

I woud not "fight" any woman for this, how would you ever trust him again, what a fucking miserable existence that would be. This man at any cost ? No.

I would rather walk away with my dignity intact

And I would do it right now, the dc are young enough to still have a magical Xmas if their parents are not living in the same house

I just don't get this false, brave, lying front that people feel they must put up for the children. Christmas is just another day when you are being royally fucked over like this

he has made it clear he has no regrets about his actions and wants to go...how low would you have to go to make him stay ? You just can't do that, unless you are happy to settle for a one-sided open marriage

How will it be any better for them when he fucks off to his fancy woman in the New Year ?

Also, (OP), DO feel you have absolute power about introducing your DCs to OW.

You have every right to meet OW first to discuss how you raise your DCs.

I have been here, and it's the best for the kids if the parents meet beforehand and then go through a series of meetings where you would come and go with the DCs and the OW would be with your Ex.

It's hard for the adults / parents, but best for the kids.

I still have a (very) strained relationship with DH's ex (ack... who am I kidding, we have no relationship at all!!!), but we stuck to the whole 'meeting up' schedule and it really worked for the kids. (they were younger than yours)... slightly different circumstances, but still.... It's definitly worth the hassle / pain and, if they refuse, you have good grounds to deny them contact when you are not present.

How will it be any better for them when he fucks off to his fancy woman in the New Year ?

Couldn't agree more, I really couldn't

I know and I am so very torn. He will be living alone in the New Year with the 29 year old (he is 42) year old OW visiting. He is unlikely to live with her in the immediate future because she lives an hour or so drive away and he will want to see the DC very regular and do pick ups in the morning. A judicial separation sounds good. It all seems like such a huge mountain to struggle up. He has just come in from work now, so loving towards the kids and civil with me. I feel like I am in a surreal dream.

If I am not around at points this evening it is because I need to do this app form. Feel knackered already.

You know I even know she has a coil fitted!!

Then you know too much. Stop talking to him about OW. Get yourself a lawyer and ask him to move out ASAP. He and his happiness/needs are no longer your concern. Your kids are.

Yeah I know I am doing it to myself, I hear the words I just dont feel it.

Feel so sorry for you. However, if he is such a loving a devoted father, he is going to really feel that separation from family life when he moves out.

You don't need to feel it you need to do it. How you feel at this point isn't as important as safeguarding your kid's future. He has already checked out in most ways. I wouldn't trust him to put them first financially since it would appear he has been able to put them first emotionally.