painful relationship breakdown (affairs)

[ike1]

I have posted before but changed my name. I discovered a month ago that my husband has been having affairs for over 4 years during our 15 year realtionship. I am still in shock a month later.

He is staying until after Christmas (we have 2 children) but is adamant that he wants to leave. He is renting a house a couple of miles away and will continue to see the children regularly but also wants to continue seeing his current OW. He is a very doting father and loves the kids but says that he will be there for me practically but no longer emotionally (in truth this has probably been the case for years).

I still love him (stupid I know) and cling pathetically to the hope of him returning and the continuation of our old comfortable life. I know deep down that this is ridiculous. I have sought out free counselling and hope to keep the house and live on a small budget. I am a SAHM (he wants the kids to stay in the family home - I can proabably buy it with a small inheritance).

My question is how do you deal with the loneliness and long nights on your own when you have been used to company? (He is a very easy going person whereas I am prone to anxiety and over analysis).

I have a small group of friends but feel isolated and have no family. I need to get tough and find a warrior spirit somewhere but I feel cold, tired and very alone and scared. If there is anyone who has been through this and is at peace now can you come and chat? Also anyone who is going throught he same. Thanks.

Yes I think he will feel it and I think it is the only reason he has stayed for the last 5 years.However this is why he is going to be back and forth so much.

Look, don't expect too much of yourself.

What matters most, right now, is your sanity.

You need to get financial stuff in order / and a court order in place so you know where you stand / what you can expect going forward.

It also sets in stone an agreement on what you want to happen with your DC - private education? etc.,

PLEASE get that sorted while you are still civil with each other.

Honestly, I think a judicial separation would work very well for you, but it does slow down the emotional separation - do consider whether it's better to sever ties completely.

After that, you need to consider your own emotional wellbeing, You are a mum, and youyr DC need you, but you are also a person in your own right and deserve some 'me' time.

Try to find a babysitter / nanny / childminder who can look after your kids in the evening now and again - it gives you your life back and (even if you don't use them that often) I can't stress enough how it makes you feel knowing you COULD go out.

Most of all, know that you will be OK. things will be OK. These situations are, perhaps, not what we would choose, but they can work out well. Honestly.

HM x

oh please, send him on his way

you don't feel it becaue you don't want it and hadn't planned on it

but he has

she is 29 ? christ, it's really laughable isn't it? Has he started wearing leather trousers and bought a motorbike?

you do realise she will have told him all sorts of shit about how wonderful he is, don't you? And how she doesn't want kids, she is a free spirit, she just wants him and will be bolstering his stupid midlife crisis?

Then one of two things will happen

1. she will realise he is really just a boring middle-aged man after all and fuck off

2. she will get pg, he will cheat on her as he did you

However, by then ,you will have moved on, found a fab new man who treats you well and he will be a weekend dad

Fucking diddums !

Totally agree with all the advice on here. Absolutely the best thing to do is to let him go, and see if he comes back (hopefully you won't want him to) It sounds like a classic midlife crisis. H went round telling people that he and OW were just friends but something "might" happen in the future. Bollocks, it's been happening all along and catching them out at the weekend was incredibly satisfying, even though it's horrible to have absolute proof of what's been going on.. the thought makes me queasy.

H works away and rarely sees the dc's so I thought I was doing the best thing by letting him stay here for a while. After one afternoon when he was so callous and horrid towards me that I had the overwhelming urge to fling my hot cup of tea in his face (I didn't!) I realised he had to go or I'd lose my dignity and sanity. And it is so much easier that way. Now when he phones I pass him straight to the dc's, and hang up once they're done. Far far easier to deal with atm given how he's behaved. Hopefully things will improve once the dust settles but right now I'm too livid to be amicable.

totr, all the best to you x

Ike, really feel for you, it's a difficult situation and similar to the one that I was in.

Took me quite a few months and finding out about many lies he had told re: OW to realise that actually, love him though I had in the past, it was time to stop now. Why? Because he was not the man I married but someone who was behaving poorly and did not deserve to be with me or the DC's. Like you I was very anxious (and have been for years) and I was very very frightened by his behaviour for many months. I even went to the doctor on a number of occasions and felt that I was collapsing with the stress of it all. As I also had a number of issues with the DC's I was hugely concerned about the impact of this on them.

Where are we now? Well after I finally toughened up and asked him to shape up or ship out, I'm on my own with the kids. The kids aren't great, but actually are no worse than they were living with the tension that existed. At last, our household is a fun place and we can start to enjoy ourselves. Amazingly my anxiety disappeared overnight and I am much happier than I have been for years.

And XP? I really don't know. Whilst he's mostly been a good dad, I think he's more focused on OW and himself right now. Is he happy? Who knows.

So, I'd say to you, get your head straight and start to think about whether you'll just be better off without him (I think you will). Talk with a counsellor if you can - it can be a good way to help see things more objectively. And don't worry about your anxiety, strange though it may seem, perhaps most of it is being caused by him. With him gone you may feel strangely empowered.

thanks AF, must update my post/(blog!) at some point. It's like therapy, and there's been lots of developments this week. It's horrible to see others going through similar though, wouldn't wish it on anyone (apart from maybe H and OW!).

yes, you must update soon totr, I followed your posts

and yes, I wish a plague of pubic lice on them

ike, I don't think it would be normal if you didn't feel anxiety after 15 years together. The point is, it would only get worse if you stayed together. Imagine living in a situation where you never trusted him, were always waiting for the next OW to come along, and didn't feel any emotional connection. Surely being alone for a while can't be worse than this..

Be brave, try and get one tiny practical thing done each day and keep moving forwards. It will get easier, it is doing for me, and some days are better than others. Allow yourself time to grieve for the relationship and expect to feel angry, sad, positive and negative feelings all within the space of minutes, it's totally normal.

Hi Ike

I'm sat here reading your messages, and I am in a very similar situation. I found out that my H had been lying to me for most of this year (I still can't prove when his relationship started, as he refuses to give me any information) but I found out in October that he wasn't where he should have been(In a hotel with OW in Notts when he should have been in London), and confronted him only to be told that she was a work colleague and a "Good laugh" That nothing had happened and that I was always over-reacting as they were only friends.... nice.

I went to pieces to start off with, but also felt that it explained his odd and horrible/cold behaviour towards me for most of this year. I had been blaming myself and thinking it was all my fault.

I totally agree with the other posters how hard it is to try and live in the same house. We are currently still together, as he is refusing to move out at the moment, and wants us to try and have a "nice Christmas" together ...... yeah right - but is sleeping in the spare room (Which he has done for the last 3 years, as he likes to have a fan on him at all times and he snores) and we are basically ignoring each other - I'm sure my DS is picking up on it all, as he wrote on his bedroom wall the other day, which is so out of character for him (He;s 6 1/2) and has never ever done anything like this before.

I am soo unhappy and am dreading Christmas together. We have decided to go out with friends so that the atmosphere and pressure isn't too much for us (Well I decided and he wants to join !!!) maybe you could do something like that ???

I am so sorry that you are going through this at this time of year, I feel really dreadful, I can't get myself motivated to do any shopping/write cards etc, as it all seems to be such a farce !

Maybe try and keep it together for the sake of the DC's over Christmas and have a clean break in the New Year. As other posters have said, I think men (My H is 43) start to think that marriage/kids etc is all boring and stale and that the grass is certainly greener on the other side - I'm sure it isn't and if he is the doting Dad, then he will find life almost unbearable without them - maybe this will bring him to his senses. But then again maybe by that point you will be stronger..!

I am hoping my H will move out in the New Year and we can start a 6 month trial separation, and I am planning on lots of girlie nights with friends, and happy quiet nights in with the TV a G&T and my little boy to keep me Company. we will all be OK and maybe will look back on these parts of our lives in 2 years time, and think it was a different person - well that's what I'm hoping for anyhow.

Thank you lovely ladies so much. Just had a phonecall from a friend who has known us both for 15 years and we did manage to have a laugh. I know it is difficult for you all to see the full dynamics of a relationship from a few posts, but the breakdown of our relationship has been both our faults. The affairs are his fault. I dunno the future is so uncertain, keep giving me those positive vibes I need to know that I wont lose my marbles and that life will be different but ok.

At some point you are going to feel angry with him. It just hasn't come to that yet. But boy there will be a kickback when the wave of anger hits.

Please go and see a solicitor and get some proper advice.

It's lovely (and very insightful) that you can see fault on both sides for the failure of the relationship. But his affairs, especially as they are serial ones, are pretty shoddy. And cowardly.

Look after yourself and good luck. You will be absolutely fine. It will be quite an adventure.

Hi Ike, Just hang in there, the first few weeks / months are the hardest but it does get better. My life as a single mum is far from perfect but we are a happy little family now, and i am much happier and healthier as I have escaped from under the cloud of my ex's affairs and the toll it took on me. Be strong and try to keep smiling whenever you can, sending you a big hug