Partner will not dicipline or have a routine or remember anything

[Louise1970]

My parnter does shifts and works most days. He is away from home 14 hours a day. He works nights and days. With only a few off. When he is rarely able ti have the kids, he wount do anything with them apart from sit on the sofa with them. He forgets how to take care with them. And does not want to dicipline as he does not want them to be unhappy for the short time he has with them etc. Most of my friends partners are realy hands on when they are around their children and take them out all the time too. They are even very catring etc. Does anyone know what i am talking about....

I amy have written this under the wrong discussion heading, sorry...

I can understand your frustration, but I can also understand your partner's POV I think. He must be shattered if he is working nights and days and hardly has any time off. Does he absolutely need to work this much?
As for not wanting to upset them when he hardly sees them, I can understand that too. I would probably be exactly the same in his shoes. My husband is very hands on with our children and takes them out and baths them every night....but....he doesn't work long hours and never nights or anything like that. Can you think of any way to change the amount of time your partner works so he can share the parenting with you?
As for not being caring, do you think he is uncaring to the children or you?

aloha, thanks. We decided that i would give up work as we have no family to help and that he thought i would do a better job. But i did bring in more money. So he is having to do so much overtime to make up for it. i suppose maybe i am thinking too harsh. Its just we have had two children in 15 months and one is very difficult and i suppose when you put it like that maybe he is being uncaring to me and not the kids. Some times it takes somone else to point it out.

Two children in 15months must be INCREDIBLY hard work. You must both be utterly exhausted - you are both heroic in my book!
I think most relationships suffer when children are young and especially in a situation like yours - very young children, working too hard etc etc.
Is there anyway you could share out the work so you both earn a bit and can share things?
Or even make a pact to recognise each other's hard work?

Hi Louise - might not be helpful but is there anything you can do to plan your days so that when your partner has time with them you can give him a very specific - but enjoyable - task. eg quiet time reading to them; bath; helping with homework (not sure how old they are). I do see his pov a bit but I see yours too. I also think that the idea of "quality" time as something different from ordinary time is a bit over-rated - if he's going to get the best from them, and be part of their real life, then he does kind of need to get stuck in.

And I've just seen one of your children is still waking at night! It's not fair is it? I do really feel for you.

I think men often like to do the bath, and it is a very bonding activity.

he could get in with them and chill a bit himself (while you get a few minutes to yourself).

With his different weekly shift not possible. We will have to go on the recognising eash others hard work line... We are thinking about converting the garage into a one bed studio to let. Maybe we should definately do it. Another loan. But i soppose it would benefit us after 2 years...

aloha, thanks for messages. Partner doesn't get in till late and the kids are in bed. Well trying to put one of them in bed as my other message board indicates.